by Sydney Lane
I reach for my backpack and dig around in it, as if I’m looking for something. When I glance that way, ice blue eyes meet mine. But they aren’t Brody’s. With a wrinkled brow, Eric looks between Brody and me. His lips part as he draws in a quick breath. I see the exact moment when shock rolls across his face. He knows.
I quickly look away and avoid his eyes for the remainder of class. However, when we are dismissed, I can’t get away fast enough. Brody hesitates when Eric puts his arm around my shoulders and says, “Hey, guys. Why don’t you go on? I’ll catch up to you, but I need to talk to Quincy about a surprise for Jenna.” Declan gives me a quick hug before joining Brody. My stomach sinks as I watch the two men in my life walk away. Together.
When Brody and Declan get out of earshot, Eric removes his arm from my shoulder and says, “I hope I didn’t see what I think I just saw. Be honest, Quincy. What the hell is going on between you and Brody?” Like Jenna, he doesn’t waste time getting to the point.
My mind races as I try to think of a great answer, but I only manage to say, “Nothing.” I look him in the eyes but end up backing down under his stare.
“Whatever you say, but you two are crossing the line. Declan adores you. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and I don’t want to see him get hurt. Especially by a brother.” He doesn’t even wait for a reply before he walks away.
I don’t want to hurt him either, but I think I already have. Just as my body is forever changed, I will never be able to untell my lies.
When I round the corner to the university center, arms wrap around my waist and sweep me off my feet. Twirling me around and laughing, Declan asks, “So, what’s the big surprise for Jenna?”
I can’t help but giggle, “Declan, put me down!” He continues to swing me around, and I begin kicking my feet in hopes that he’ll release me before I get dizzy and throw up on him. When he finally lowers my feet to the ground, I brace myself on his arm until I regain my balance. Laughing and out of breath, we lean against the building.
“That was so not funny!” I love how he makes me laugh. “You are lucky I didn’t puke on you!”
His smile widens, and his dimples appear. “It would have been worth it to get my arms around you.” Simply adorable.
“Oh, yeah? Well, I….” I stop midsentence when I see Brody. He is standing in the courtyard with several guys, and they are all talking and laughing. Except him. He is watching us, his face drawn in anger and fists clenched by his sides. A breeze is blowing, and his hair is even messier than usual. I imagine I can see the blue of his eyes. Maybe I can even smell him in the wind.
“You what? You can’t come up with anything better than that?” Declan brings me back to reality. But I am no longer feeling it.
Forcing myself to look away, I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, you got me. So, Jenna’s birthday is coming up, and Eric just wanted some gift ideas. You know the drill.” The lies are piling up. What will one more hurt?
“That reminds me. I need to know when your birthday is.” He grins with mischief.
“Not a chance, buddy! A girl never tells such things.” The easy conversation now feels stilted and forced. Declan’s eyes follow mine, and he hesitates when he sees Brody.
“Quincy, there are a lot of things I’d like to know about you.” I notice his eyes are still on Brody, his voice no longer playful. His brow is wrinkled, like he knows something but can’t quite figure it out.
Needing to distract him, I yell, “Last one to the cafeteria has to buy lunch!” I run toward the building and just barely get there before he does. When he swings the door open and holds it for me, I am relieved to dart inside. And away from Brody’s glare.
Chapter 32
Jenna and I finally get together for lunch on Friday. She is just as busy as I am, but we are finding a nice balance. My boy issues aside, I am loving college life.
“Ok, so I need to know what Eric said. Did he tell you he talked to me about Brody?” The one thing I want most in my life is to be accepted, and Eric probably hates me now. Why wouldn’t he?
“Did he tell me? Girlfriend, let’s just say he wasn’t very happy about the whole thing. He says that you guys are being pretty obvious.” I’m truly shocked by that. I thought we were doing a good job avoiding each other. And if he sees it, it’s only a matter of time before Declan sees it, too.
“So, what does he think will happen? You know, if people find out?” I’m afraid of the answer, but I need to hear it.
“The guys seem to think Declan and you are an item. He really likes you, and he hasn’t made it a secret. He’s a good guy. Everyone respects him.” Her shoulders droop, and I know I’m not going to like what she says next. “He says that if you and Brody get caught, it will be a disaster. They take their fraternity bond very seriously.”
I didn’t expect any less, but it hurts to hear it. Brody tells me he wants to try something more. I just don’t know if I’m willing to hurt Declan and lose our friendship for a maybe. For someone who, by his own admission, doesn’t do relationships.
“Jenna, I want to do the right thing, and I will. I just need some time.” I don’t want to spend my whole time with her talking about this, so I change the subject. “So, girl, I need to know if you two have done the deed yet.” I giggle when her cheeks flush.
“No! Can you believe that? I want to so bad, but he keeps saying he wants to take it slow. When we finally do, I’m going to rip him apart!” She looks so beautiful when she talks about Eric. Her eyes are bright, and her skin is glowing. I think she looks like a girl who is in love. And I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.
When we are finished eating, Jenna gives me a quick hug. With her arms around me, she says, “Quince, don’t worry about everyone else, OK? Just take care of you.” Her eyes search my face, and I know she is concerned about me. I nod my head, for fear that I might cry if I speak. I watch as she walks away, throwing a smile and a wink over her shoulder.
Declan asked me to watch a movie with him tonight, so I plan to meet him at the fraternity house. Apparently, the rest of the guys are going to an off campus party, so I’m not worried about bumping into Brody. Avoiding him hasn’t been as hard as I would have thought. At times, though, I can’t even remember why I’m doing it.
Working at Player’s has become a new brand of torture. It’s as if my own body is waging a war against me. I have no control, and I don’t like it. Every time I look at him, something ignites inside of me. Who knew a Player’s uniform could be so sexy? His red shirt really emphasizes the glow of his tanned skin. His shorts sit low on his waist, enhancing his nice ass and trim waist. That boy is on fire. I hate him.
When I go to the bar, I refuse to look at Brody. I only ask Devin when I need something, and I purposely wait for Brody to get busy before I pick up drinks. It’s too easy. And I know he must be avoiding me as well.
Alex doesn’t miss a thing. “Quincy, when are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Brody?” I knew she wouldn’t let it go. She is like a dog with a bone.
“I told you. It’s nothing.” It’s hard to describe something when you have no idea what it is yourself.
She elbows me in the ribs as we watch Brody work. “That’s what you keep saying, but ‘nothing’ doesn’t act the way you two do. ‘Nothing’ doesn’t create sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. So give it up.” Her words shock me because they hit too close to home. They label our relationship, and I’m not sure I like it.
“Good grief, Alex! Can you keep it down?” I look around to make sure no one else hears her. “Being hot for someone does not make a relationship.” I watch as Brody runs a hand through his hair, one rebellious lock falling back to his forehead.
He’s talking to a group of girls who are sitting at the bar. They’ve been here all night, but I’ve been so busy I didn’t pay much attention to them. Brody has both hands on the bar, leaning toward a girl in the middle. He’s smiling and talking low. Definitely flirting. She loo
ks vaguely familiar, but I can’t really see her in the dim lights.
“I’m just sayin’. If you two ever get together, sparks will fly.” Alex is watching the show with me. I can’t stand another minute of it.
Turning away from the bar, I gather my tickets and close out my last tables. I rush to change my clothes, but I take a little more time when I do my hair and make-up. Leaving my hair down, I braid my bangs and pin them to the side. I am wearing black shorts and a loose, see-through shirt over a tank. The shorts are shorter than I would normally wear, but I want to get Brody’s attention. He may not be leaving with me, but I want to make him wish he was.
When I come out of the dressing room, someone bumps into me. I step back and steady myself. When I focus on her, I instantly recognize her. She’s the girl Brody was dancing with the first night I met him at the party. His mouth and hands have been on her body. And who knows what else. Disgusted, I step to the side and mumble an apology.
I take my time when I walk past the bar, stopping to talk to Alex. Just as I walk out the door, I risk one last glance over my shoulder. Brody is frozen in place, his eyes on me, no longer smiling at the girls. Take that.
I call Declan as soon as I get to my car. When he invited me over to watch a movie, I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to go back to the dorm alone. Jenna spends more nights at Eric’s than she does in the dorm these days. While I am happy for her, it does get a little too quiet for me at night.
“Hey! I’m on my way over. Will you meet me downstairs?” I am relieved that Brody has to work late. He might even go to the other party. The odds of me running into him are low since I’ll be gone by the time he gets home.
“I’m on my way down right now. See you in a few.” I’m relieved that I won’t have to walk through the house alone. I’m still not comfortable with all of the guys.
When I walk up the sidewalk, Declan steps out of the shadows on the porch. He looks great, and I feel lucky to be here with him. “I’ve been waiting to see you all night. You look amazing.” He smiles and pulls me into a long hug. Peace. Right here in his arms, I feel peace.
“Thanks. I was afraid I was going to have to work late, but Alex helped me get out early.” I really am stupid for not allowing myself to fall for this man.
“Eric and Jenna are in the living room if you want to join them or we can watch a different movie upstairs. It’s up to you.” He is giving me the choice of being with our friends or being alone with him. I don’t feel pressured to do either, but I do want to see Jenna.
He reaches for my hand and guides me to the living room. As soon as Jenna sees me, she jumps up to hug me. Squealing, she says, “I was so excited when Declan said you were coming! Come on, let’s watch a movie.” Looking at Declan, I shrug my shoulders. It looks like Jenna made my decision for me.
“Sure! What are you all watching?” I try to be prepared for anything. Jenna prefers sappy love stories, and I can barely tolerate them.
I am pleasantly surprised when she answers, “It’s Identity Theft! I know you’ll love this one. I heard it was hilarious.” Hell, yeah! Declan looks almost as relieved as I am.
I sit on the couch opposite from Eric, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Our conversation earlier still hangs over us like a cloud. He’s watching me as if he’s expecting something. I smile, trying to reassure him. I don’t want to hurt him either.
While Jenna puts the movie in, Declan excuses himself to go upstairs. He comes back with a blanket, and I can’t wait to cuddle up under it. Yawning, I think my late nights are catching up to me.
The movie is great, but I find it harder and harder to keep my eyes open. Declan guides my head onto his lap and wraps the blanket around me. Warm and comfy, I fall asleep.
Hushed voices wake me, and I am disoriented as I try to take in my surroundings. My head is still on Declan’s leg, and he is running his fingers through my hair. It feels heavenly, and I smile to myself. Opening my eyes, I am shocked to see Brody standing in the doorway. I sit up quickly, realizing how we must look.
“Whoa! Where are you going so fast?” Declan reaches out to steady me when I stand. Eric and Jenna are asleep on the other couch, and the only light in the room is from the television. I have no idea what time it is, but it’s late if Brody is home.
“I have to go. I have lots of studying to do tomorrow, and I need to get some sleep.” I’m talking to Declan, but my eyes are on Brody. I search his face but can’t read his expression. I turn to Declan. “Sorry I fell asleep on you.”
“It’s OK. I know you were tired. Jenna said she was spending the night here. Do you want me to take you home?” That would be a bad idea right now. I need to do damage control.
“I drove over here, so I’ll be fine.” My hands shake as I reach out to give him a quick hug. “Thanks for the movie.” He wraps his arms around me, and I pull away gently. I reassure him that I can drive safely and squeeze past Brody in the doorway. “Night, Brody.” He doesn’t move, forcing me to brush up against him. That brief touch sends chills through my body.
He mumbles, “Sweet dreams, Quince.” I can’t look at him. Instead, I rush out the door, grateful for my escape. My legs are unsteady, so I sit on the steps. With my elbows on my knees, I rest my head in my hands. Sometimes, I can convince myself that I don’t care what Brody thinks. Right now is not one of those times.
When I gain some control, I stand and walk down the steps. The door opens and closes behind me. But I keep walking. I don’t hear anything else, so I look over my shoulder when I turn onto the street. Brody is standing on the porch, against the wall. He runs a hand through his hair, and I am tempted, oh so tempted, to run back to him.
We only live five minutes from the house, but it feels like the longest five minutes of my life. My hands shake on the steering wheel and my mind races as I try to decipher the look on Brody’s face as I walked away.
Going to bed in the empty dorm room is especially hard tonight.
Chapter 33
On Saturday, my mom calls. I really haven’t been good about calling home, and I feel guilty for making her worry. It’s just that this last visit from Katie has me on guard. Every time I leave or come home, I expect her to be waiting for me. I haven’t heard from her again, but I’m used to it. Sometimes, she stays gone a day or two. Other times, she stays gone for months. I may be used to it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t worry.
“Hey, Dad and I were wondering when you plan to come home. It’s not the same around here without you.” I wonder if that means Katie is still gone, but I don’t ask.
“I work most Friday nights, so it’s been kind of hard to get away. I asked off for next weekend, so I’ll be there then.” I never realize how much I miss home until I talk to Mom.
“How are things going? Everything OK?” I feel like telling her everything. But I can’t. If she knew Jenna practically lived with her boy-friend and I was off having sex with someone I’m not even dating, she might try to drag me home. For the first time, I think maybe I really am like Katie. Slutty and batshit crazy.
“It’s going surprisingly well. My classes are so hard that I can’t get away without studying like I could back home. Jenna has a boyfriend, and I love my job. I’ve even been to some parties, and I love meeting new people.” When I’m trying to hide something, I tend to ramble on. It’s my camouflage, distracting enough to divert questions.
“I’m glad, Quince. You deserve it.” After we say our goodbyes, I realize I never did ask about Katie. And she never mentioned her.
Jenna and I have been studying all day. My English professor asked us to write a paragraph about the person who has influenced us the most and how they did so. Seriously? A paragraph? It seems impossible. My mom certainly has influenced me. She’s the strongest person I know, and I want more than anything to be just like her. My dad is the best. He is a war veteran, and he was shot in combat. He returned home damaged but alive. I admire him and everything he stands for.
I close off my mind
and just start writing. When I am done, I read: My sister has influenced me more than anyone else in my life. She fights an internal battle every single day. She is mentally ill, and she abuses drugs. But she still laughs at everything. She is the person who laughs even when she shouldn’t. She knows the importance of finding humor wherever she can. In a way, she is living that life so that I don’t have to. She makes me want to be a better person, and she is the reason I succeed.
Done. It’s nothing spectacular, but it says everything.
When I close my laptop, Jenna sits up in her bed. “Come on! Let’s get ready to par-tay!” I’m not very excited about the party tonight, but I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to talk to Brody. Something has to give here.
“Jenna, work your magic on me. I want to knock Brody on his ass when he sees me tonight.” I don’t know if my words shock me or her the most. God, I am such a girl.
“Hell, yeah! First, go take a shower. You still smell like Player’s. You gotta give me something to work with here, Quince!” She is too excited, and I begin to wonder if asking for her help was a good idea.
We blast music and dance around while we get ready. Jenna looks spectacular in a plaid shirt, jeans shorts, and cowboy boots. Her legs look a mile long, and I bet Eric will have a hard time keeping his hands off her tonight. She chose a strapless sundress and strappy, heeled sandals for me.
I wasn’t allowed to look while she did my hair and make-up. When I pass her test, she turns me around to face the mirror. Holy shit! I’m wearing more make-up than usual, but it still looks very natural. It’s my eyes. They are brown, and I think, very ordinary looking. With the smokey eye shadow and smudged liner she added, they are anything but ordinary. She twisted my hair up on top of my head, and a few strands are loose around my face. I almost don’t recognize myself.
