Choices

by Sydney Lane

  My mom always told me that once you slept with someone, a part of you would forever be with that person. And when Brody leaves, I watch my heart walk out the door.

  Chapter 35

  Jenna and I ride in silence on the way home. We are both lost in thought, and it doesn’t dawn on me that something might be wrong until we are walking into our room. “OK, Jenna, what’s going on?”

  “Oh, Quince! Is there something wrong with me?” She wails and flops down on her bed. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Jenna be so dramatic over a boy. If she weren’t so serious, it might be comical.

  “Of course not! I take it your plan didn’t go so well?” I had been sure that Eric would not be able to resist her last night. “What happened?”

  She sighs heavily and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. We were making out, and I thought it was great, you know? All of the signs were in my favor. Then, he stopped and said he wanted our first time to be special, not in a fraternity house. He wants to go away some weekend.” All of this worrying when I am pretty sure they are head over heels for each other.

  “Jenna! Don’t you think that’s romantic? It’s a sign that he thinks of you as more than a booty call. I think it’s awesome.” It reminds me of Brody taking me to the cabin. And he made it so special. For the rest of my life, I will never forget that night.

  “I know, Quince. I do. I’m just not used to waiting.” Her face suddenly brightens, “But I am going to have fun planning that trip!” Ah, there’s my girl. “By the way, I told Declan you weren’t feeling well last night. Eric was pissed because he knew I was lying, but we’ve discussed it. He promises he will stay out of it.”

  “Jenna, I don’t want to drag you guys into it, so I’ll do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen again.” The shadow over me is growing, and now, it includes my friends.

  “I will do whatever you need me to do. Even if I don’t like it, I’ll do it because I know you’d do it for me. Just don’t keep lying to Declan. If you don’t want a relationship with him, he deserves to know.” Her words, no matter how true, cause me to cringe. I do want Declan in my life. I need him.

  “I’m working on it. I really am.” I intend to talk to him as soon as I get the chance. It’s just that my head and my heart aren’t on the same page yet.

  We spend the most of the morning studying and watching TV. When I close my book, I realize how hungry I am. I am trying to decide what to do for lunch when my phone vibrates. I smile when I see Declan’s name.

  Declan: Hope you feel better today

  Me: I do :)

  Declan: Perfect. Lunch?

  Me: Sure

  Declan: Be there in 15

  I jump in the shower and hurry to get dressed. I don’t have time to dry my hair, but at least I don’t look like I just rolled out of bed anymore. When Declan texts to let me know he’s downstairs, I throw on some flip flops and tell Jenna I’ll see her later.

  I round the corner, and Declan is sitting on a sofa talking to some girls gathered around him. He has his own little audience, and I can see why. He has on shorts, a white polo, and flip flops. He is simply adorable. When he looks up and smiles, his dimples appearing, my heart skips a beat.

  The girls turn to see where his smile is directed, and I can’t help but gloat a little. I can only imagine what they see. My hair is wet, and I’m not wearing any make-up. I have on a sundress with flip flops, and I feel beautiful. For some reason, I don’t feel as if I have to do anything special when Declan is around. He seems to like me just the way I am.

  Standing, he dismisses the girls and comes to hug me. He leans down to kiss me, and I give him my cheek. “Hey, Quince. Glad you feel better.” Guilt, like an arrow, pierces my heart.

  “Yeah, me, too. So, where are we going?” Taking my hand, he leads me out into the sun. The weather is perfect, and it feels good to just relax and enjoy the moment.

  “I thought we could walk to the little bistro down by the park if you want to.” That sounds heavenly. Lately, I feel as if I’m in class, at work, or studying most of the daylight hours.

  “I know we haven’t had a chance to talk much lately, but I’ve been meaning to ask you how things are going with your sister. Did you all make up?” It feels so good to have someone besides Jenna who I can talk to. He always seems to be genuinely interested and concerned.

  “I don’t want to ruin our day, but let me just say that things will never be great with us. I haven’t talked to her since she showed up here that day. When she gets around to it, she’ll call me.” I try to keep the pain out of my voice, but I really do miss hearing from her. Declan squeezes my hand and allows me to change the conversation.

  We reach the bistro and order our food. Carrying it outside, we sit at a table facing campus. At times like these, I still can’t believe I am here, that I finally left home. Watching other students walk by, I try to guess where they are from or what, if anything, inspires them. Are they, like me, running from something?

  With Declan, there is never a lull in conversation. We talk as if we’ve known each other our whole lives, and I am so thankful I met him. Long after we finish eating, we sit and talk.

  “I know your dad is a minister. Is that what led you to be the chaplain?” Of all the things I know about him, this is the one that intrigues me most.

  “Yeah. It was part of it, but I’ve just always been good at listening to people. I like to offer support and help when I can.” I have seen how his brothers treat him. He is very well liked and respected, and I find it all very admirable.

  “So, I’ve seen you drink. Do you ever feel as if you are under scrutiny or that you shouldn’t do certain things?” I have two reasons for asking this question. First, I want to know if he feels censored like I did back home in Collier. And second, I’d just like to see where he stands with his faith.

  Smiling, he lowers his eyes to my lips, and asks, “Are you asking me how I feel about drinking?” Slowly, he raises his eyes to meet mine, “Or are you asking something else?”

  The sudden change in conversation surprises me. “You tell me.” I’m flirting, and I know it’s a fine line I’m walking.

  “If you’re asking about my drinking habits, then yes, I do drink. I try not to get wasted, and I am the designated driver more often than not. What else would you like to know?” He’s going to make me ask, and even though I know it’s not a good idea, I do it anyway.

  “Well, what about girls? Do you date much or…” Heat creeps up my neck and into my cheeks, and I can’t bring myself to finish the question.

  “Why, Quincy, are you asking me if I’m saving myself for marriage?” He is only teasing me, but I get more flustered when he smiles at me.

  “Maybe.” I cannot believe we are having this conversation.

  “It’s hard to explain. I’m not a virgin, if that’s what you’re asking. I have had sex with girls, but I have matured a lot since then. I try not to go there unless things are serious, you know, unless I have feelings for the other person.” His answer is so honest, so simple that it makes me question myself. “What about you?”

  And there it is. You should never ask a question you aren’t prepared to answer yourself. I look down at my hands on the table, and I am sure guilt is clearly written on my forehead. “Well, I don’t think you should give a piece of yourself to someone you don’t care about.” Or someone who doesn’t care about you. My mind strays, reflecting on the last few weeks.

  When I realize it’s been silent way too long, I look up to find him staring at me. “What?” I ask while playing with my hair.

  “You know what I like most about you, Quincy?” I shake my head. “Your innocence. You are beautiful, but you have no idea. Wherever you go, people are enchanted by you, and you don’t even see it. Your eyes tell me a story about a beautiful girl who just wants to be free. I just wish that you could see yourself like everybody else does.” Wow. That was beautiful. And I feel like such a fraud.

  Standing, he re
aches for my hand. We walk back to Baxter in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts. When we reach my steps, he pulls me to him for a hug. “Quincy, I don’t want to pressure you, but I need to know if this is going anywhere. If I have a chance. I know there is someone else, and I just want to know if that’s something I should be worried about.”

  I am not ready for this. I take a step back from him. “Declan, you are everything I could ever ask for. You make me feel special, and when I am with you, I believe the world is a better place. I can talk to you about anything, and I feel like you really know me.” Tears fill my eyes. I am afraid I will lose him.

  “But?” He sees it coming, and I almost back down. Almost.

  “I’m just not ready to commit. I don’t know where things stand with this other guy, and it’s not fair to leave you hanging. But I don’t want to lose you.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand as I struggle to hold myself together.

  “Quincy, I just don’t get it.” He reaches out and takes my hands in his. “I know how good we could be together. What are you so afraid of? There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here with you. I promise I’m not going anywhere.” Pulling me to him, he leans down to kiss me. His lips touch mine. Gentle. Soft. Reassuring. And so, so safe.

  He releases me and turns to walk away. Pressing my fingertips to my lips, a sob breaks free. I know I did the right thing, but I still haven’t been totally honest with him. I know that if he ever finds out the truth, I’m going to make him have to break his promise.

  Chapter 36

  When I wake up, the first thought I have is that Declan did not call or text me last night when he got home. It’s not a surprise that I didn’t hear from Brody.

  I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering how much things are going to change between Declan and me. My heart breaks a little when I imagine my life without him in it. But last night’s kiss is burned into my memory.

  When Declan’s lips touched mine, they whispered of safety and comfort. It was a kiss between two friends. And it felt wrong.

  Brody’s lips give and take, demanding that I step out of my comfort zone. Asking me to take a leap of faith. When he kisses me, I forget who I am. I forget where I came from, and I have to believe that I’m headed for something better. His lips give me hope.

  I am trying to convince myself to get up and do something productive when my phone rings. Thinking it is Jenna wanting to go get breakfast, I jump to answer it. I am stunned when I see Brody’s name. My nerves immediately come to life.

  “What’s up?” I force the words out, hoping my voice doesn’t give me away. This is only the second time Brody has called me, and my heart pauses when he speaks.

  “Mornin’, Quince. Did I wake you?” He sounds as if he’s been awake for a while. From the few times we’ve been together, I can totally tell he is a morning person. I, on the other hand, am not. And people like that usually annoy the crap out of me. Today, I make an exception.

  “I’m conscious and breathing, but I haven’t convinced myself to get out of bed yet. Why? What’s up?” I have the fleeting thought that I am dreaming.

  “Can you be ready in 30 minutes? I’ll pick you up.” I shoot up out of bed and run to my closet.

  “Um, sure.” I frantically search through my drawers and closet, discarding clothes on my bed. “Where are we going?” I hope he can’t hear the sudden panic in my voice.

  “To the cabin. I’ve got something to show you. Be prepared to swim.” His voice becomes more playful, and I wonder what he has up his sleeve.

  “Ok. Gotta go. See you in a minute.” I hang up on him this time. What the hell? Did he just say swim? The idea of Brody seeing me in a bathing suit appalls me, but seeing him all wet and sweaty might be worth it.

  I braid my hair and wrap it on top of my head. Jumping into the shower, I lather and rinse as fast as humanly possible. I grab my bathing suit and examine myself in the mirror. For the life of me, I just cannot imagine what a guy like Brody wants with a girl like me. I certainly don’t look like his usual hook-ups.

  When I run down the steps and out the door, he is already waiting for me. I open the door and hop into his Jeep. He throws me a smile and speeds away. For a minute, I examine his profile while he drives. He looks so relaxed, a lazy smile on his face. Again, he has on a baseball cap turned backward. Wayward curls sneak out around the edges of the cap. How can he look so adorable yet so hot at the same time?

  “So, what do you want to show me?” I’m too nervous to enjoy surprises.

  Smiling, he reaches out and pats my thigh. “I guess you’ll just have to see when we get there.” He absently rubs my leg with his thumb. “I think you’re going to like it.”

  Now, I really want to know what it is. “No fair. I don’t even like surprises!” I laugh because I can tell he’s enjoying this game. But I really am anxious. For the rest of the drive, I sit back and enjoy the view. The sun has already risen, and it is peeking through the mountains at us. I relax into my seat, wondering what the heck he’s up to. With the top down, the wind in our hair, the drive is over much too soon.

  When we arrive, Brody hops out of the Jeep. He comes around and opens my door. The moment my feet are on the ground, he pulls me into his arms. “We can’t do anything else until we get this out of the way.” He cups my cheek in his hand, his thumb running along my bottom lip. When he lowers his head, he pauses just before his lips meet mine. “I dreamed about these lips last night.” He steals my breath when his mouth covers mine. He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, and I open for him. His tongue meets mine, and my knees are suddenly weak. I want more. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he growls deep in his throat. When he finally pulls away, I take a steadying breath, and he chuckles at me. “If you keep that up, you won’t ever get to see my surprise. It’s supposed to rain later, so we better get going.” He reaches into the car and grabs some sunscreen and a few bottled waters.

  He leaves me breathless. I don’t know how he turns it off so quickly, but my body is still trying to recover. Will I ever be able to look at him without wanting him?

  We sit on the steps of the cabin while I apply sunscreen. Taking the bottle from my hand, he pours some into his own hand. Very gently, he begins to apply the sunscreen to my forehead and down my nose. He takes his time, making sure to cover my whole face. This, from the man who doesn’t do relationships. And he wonders why I’m confused.

  Once we are ready, we find the trail and walk into the woods. I inhale deeply, allowing myself to enjoy the fresh air. I begin to lag behind, and he slows his pace. When I am alone with Brody, it is easy to pretend I know what I’m doing. It’s just that when we get around other people, I can’t relax. It’s like I am trying to be someone I’m not. Here, like this, I don’t feel the need to pretend.

  “Brody, what do you like about me?” My conversation with Declan is still fresh on my mind.

  We take a few more steps, and just when I begin to think he didn’t hear me, he stops and turns to me. Looking into my eyes, he says, “Everything.” His blue eyes darken, and I am certain he can see right through me. Exhaling sharply, his arms drop to his sides and he continues walking. For a moment, I am frozen in place, and when I come to my senses, I have to rush to catch up.

  Instead of turning toward the lake, we stay on the trail, headed downhill. Ahead, I can see a break in the trees, and I wonder where we are going. At the edge of the woods, Brody turns to take my hand, and we step into the clearing together. It takes my breath away.

  The whole valley is alive with flowers. The mountains are covered with trees, changing colors for Fall. I walk into the flowers. Butterflies flutter over the valley. I’ve never seen so many in one place before. Standing with my arms spread around me, I turn in a circle and take in the view. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.

  “I know you said you would love to see the snow on the mountains, but I didn’t want you to miss this. It’s even prettier in the Spring, but this only lasts a
few weeks before the leaves fall.” He’s looking toward the mountains as he talks, and I can see the wonder on his face.

  “Oh, Brody, this is beautiful! I love it!” I close my eyes and breathe deeply. The flowers spread their perfume over the valley, and hope flares brightly inside me. I wish it could always be like this.

  “This is only part of your surprise. Come on, it’s just a little farther.” He takes my hand, and I can feel his excitement. “I found these years ago when I was exploring the farm.” We get closer to the trees, and my curiosity is piqued when I hear running water.

  Brody stops and I step around him. There is a shallow stream running into a large pool of water. With the trees surrounding it, we are very secluded from the rest of the world. Steam rises from the water, and I ask, “What is it?”

  “It’s a hot spring. The spring runs down from the mountains, and it pools here. The water is about waist deep. Come on.” He kicks off his shoes and pulls his shirt over his head. His swimming trunks hang low on his waist, and I am rewarded with a view of his stomach and chest. He looks at me expectantly, but I am suddenly self conscious. I’m wearing a bikini, and although it is very modest, I still don’t want to strip in front of him.

  A slow smile spreads across his face. “Here. Let me help you with that.” He reaches for my shirt and pulls it over my head. When his hand brushes the underside of my arm, I shiver despite the heat. He reaches for my shorts and slides them down my legs. “See? That wasn’t bad at all.” No, it wasn’t bad. It was tortuous.

  “It’s not fair when you distract me to get your way.” I smile and walk into the stream. It is freakin’ cold! I jump back, and Brody catches me. “I thought it was warm!”

  He has the nerve to laugh at me. “Not there. Down here.” He leads me to the edge of the pool and slowly wades in. It feels amazing. Following him in, I walk to the side and sit on a rock that juts out into the water. Brody comes to stand in front of me, pushing my legs apart so he can stand between them. I sigh with contentment. “I thought you didn’t like surprises?”