One forty p.m. Time to go. I closed the exercise book that I’d failed to mark for the past forty minutes, pulled on a pair of canvas shoes, then left the house to drive up to the hospital.
I’d completely forgotten it would be visiting time. I had to do four laps of the car park before finally giving up and abandoning Bertie on a grass verge. As I rushed towards the entrance, a thought struck me. What if they told me that something was wrong with baby bean? My legs instantly turned to jelly and I had to slow down to steady myself. I felt sick at the thought and suddenly regretted my decision not to tell Sarah, Gary, Jess, or Dad what I was going through in case I needed them to pick up the pieces.
I travelled in the lift to the second floor and followed the signs to the ultrasound department. My heart raced. I didn’t want to go through this alone. If there was a problem, I wasn’t sure that I was strong enough to cope on my own. Stupid, stupid decision. Stupid secret. Stupid lies.
I arrived outside the ultrasound department, pushed the door open, then burst into tears when I saw who was waiting for me.
‘I know someone who went through this alone.’ Clare hugged me. ‘It was hard for her. She could have used some moral support. I thought you might feel the same and, assuming I’m still the only one other than Michael who knows about the baby, I’m the only one who can give you that.’ She let me go and indicated that I should sit down.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I said when she sat next to me. ‘I’m having a panic. What if something’s wrong with the baby?’
‘Then something’s wrong with the baby and we’ll cross that bridge. You’ll know either way within about ten minutes and there’ll be nothing you can do about it. What will be will be.’
Normally I hated Clare’s tell-it-like-it-is approach, but her words were surprisingly comforting and just what I needed to make me wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and pull myself together.
‘Elise Morgan?’
It took me a moment to register that the young brunette holding a file and looking round the waiting room was calling for me. I hadn’t officially reverted to my maiden name, but I planned to. I’d decided it would save complications later if I started my pregnancy as Morgan. I stood up. ‘Sorry, that’s me.’
She smiled. ‘We’re in room two. My name’s Dawn and I’ll be your sonographer today.’
Clare followed me into the room and sat by the bed as Dawn explained the process. When I lay down, she took hold of my hand.
‘Is it your first baby?’ Dawn asked, looking from me to Clare then back to me.
Clare giggled. ‘We’re not together, you know.’
Dawn blushed. ‘Oh, sorry. You just looked very close.’
Clare and I looked at each other and grinned. ‘Would you believe it if I said we hated each other until recently?’ I asked.
‘They say love and hate are very close emotions,’ Dawn said, then blushed again. ‘Not that I’m suggesting you love each other. I think I’m going to stop talking now and focus on finding this baby of yours. This might feel a little cold.’
The sensation of the cold gel on my stomach made me squirm, but all feelings of discomfort soon went as the sound of a steady heartbeat filled the room and a grainy shape appeared on the screen.
‘Oh, this is good,’ Dawn said. ‘Baby’s laid in a really good position today.’ She pointed to various different parts of the image, telling me that we were looking at baby bean’s head or spine or legs. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she said. All I could think was that I was looking at a baby. My baby. The one thing I’d desperately wanted for so many years, but which my husband had refused to give me. Now I had the baby but no husband and I didn’t actually care. All I cared about was that tiny little blurred being with the rapid heartbeat. My family.
I turned to look at Clare, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was staring at the screen, mesmerised, a single tear running down her left cheek. I looked back at the screen, but I didn’t feel tearful. I felt elated.
Dawn answered a few questions and told me what would happen next, then suggested I take a quick visit to the ladies by which time the photo would be ready.
‘Are you going to visit Sarah while you’re here?’ I asked Clare as we wandered down the hospital corridor ten minutes later.
‘No. It would arouse suspicion and I’d rather not lie to her about why I’m here. I came here for you, not to see Sarah.’
‘Thank you.’ I was genuinely touched by her unexpected support. ‘You’ve been amazing, both today and at Sarah’s birthday. I really appreciate it.’
‘I’ll be sending you a bill,’ she said. ‘When will you be telling people? I won’t say anything, but it would be good to know.’
‘Not till after the wedding.’
Clare screwed up her nose. ‘That’s a long time to keep something like this a secret.’
‘I know. I don’t want to steal Jess’ thunder with the twins and I don’t want to steal Sarah’s about the wedding so, if I can, I’d rather wait.’
‘I hear you, but will you not be placing a heap of unnecessary pressure on yourself by keeping this a secret? I know most people stay quiet until the first scan, just in case, but you know the baby’s well now. This is the time people usually make the big announcement.’
‘I know, but Sarah got so stressed about Callie’s pregnancy that I really don’t want her to worry about mine too. And I mean it about not stealing Jess and Sarah’s thunder. I used to work with this teacher called Karen. If I had a cold, Karen had the flu. If I’d gained a pound, Karen had gained a stone. If I was going to London with Gary, she was going to New York with her husband. It was one-upmanship constantly and, whilst it annoyed me, it was thankfully always little things with me. I saw her do bigger things to some of our colleagues, though. One of them got engaged so she decided to announce her pregnancy at that very moment. Someone else fell pregnant after years of trying so Karen chose to burst into tears at that moment and announce that her baby was seriously ill. It turns out she was lying and she’s very lucky she didn’t jinx things for her baby. It was horrible to see how hurt they all were and I don’t want to do that to Sarah and Jess. There’s no need for me to take the attention off them when I can wait to announce my news after their big events. Does that make any sort of sense to you?’
Clare nodded. ‘You are way, way, way too nice to people. I still think you’d be better off just getting the news out there, but it’s your decision. I won’t say anything, but I’d strongly suggest you reconsider. People could get upset.’
‘Thank you.’
We arrived in the lobby and discovered we were parked in different directions. ‘I’ll be going, then,’ Clare said, ‘but keep me updated and let me know if you need to talk. Apparently it can be a pretty emotional thing this pregnancy bollocks.’
I laughed. ‘If I want to talk about my pregnancy bollocks, I’ll be sure to look you up!’
I didn’t feel like returning to an empty Smuggler’s View. Instead, I wanted some time to think about my pregnancy and telling people about it. Maybe Clare was right and I should make an announcement. Daniel had a right to hear first, though, and it wasn’t the sort of news to be delivered via text message or phone. It needed to be a face-to-face conversation. A difficult one. And I still didn’t feel ready to face it.
I drove to the caves and reversed into a space so I could look out to the calm sea and clear blue sky. I fished the scan photo out of my handbag. ‘Hi bean,’ I said. ‘I’m so relieved you’re okay.’ I ran my finger around the outline of his or her tiny body then propped up the image on the dashboard.
I leapt as someone knocked on the passenger window about ten minutes later, then relaxed when I saw it was Stevie… or as relaxed as I could be with my stomach doing somersaults at the sight of him. I hadn’t seen him since Sarah’s birthday meal and clearly my feelings hadn’t changed during that t
ime.
‘I thought it was you,’ he said, poking his head through the window that I’d wound down. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Just thinking. You?’
‘I’ve been for a run.’
I realised that was quite obvious given his outfit. Stupid question. ‘I thought you usually went with Sarah on an evening.’
‘She can’t come tonight so, rather than run in the dark on my own, I came out early. It’s a bit nippy, though.’ He shivered. ‘Don’t let that blue sky deceive you.’
‘Get in,’ I said, ‘before you catch a chill.’
‘Thanks.’ He settled into the passenger seat as I pressed the button to close the window. ‘You said you were thinking. About anything in particular?’
My eyes flicked to the scan photo on the dashboard. Damn! He was going to see it whether I reached for it or ignored it. What should I do? But Stevie saved me from the dilemma. He reached for the photo and studied it for a moment. I held my breath, waiting for his reaction, heart thumping.
‘I guess this answers my question,’ he said, still looking at the scan. ‘And it would explain why you turned down both Michael and me.’
I nodded. ‘It wouldn’t have been fair to get involved when I knew I was pregnant. I’m sorry.’
Stevie put the photo back on the dashboard. ‘What for?’
‘For not telling you the truth at the time.’
He smiled, but his dimples barely showed. ‘I know now. Do you want to talk about it?’
I bit my lip and shrugged. ‘There isn’t much to say. I’m twelve weeks pregnant with Daniel’s baby. He doesn’t know yet. I don’t want anything from him, but I think he has a right to know. The only other people who know about it are Clare, Michael, Jem, and my boss and I’d like to keep it that way for now.’
‘I understand your boss would need to know, and Jem’s your counsellor, right?’
I nodded.
‘So confiding in him makes sense, but Clare and Michael seem unlikely choices.’
‘Tell me about it. Clare guessed when we were out for Sarah’s birthday. Michael came to drop his dad’s camera off and overheard her. He kind of lost the plot with me.’
‘I knew you were upset that night,’ Stevie said. ‘That’s why, isn’t it? Clare said you’d exchanged words with Michael outside. It was about the baby, wasn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘It wasn’t pretty.’
Stevie glanced towards the scan again. ‘How come nobody else knows?’
‘Because my sister’s pregnant and my best friend’s getting married and I just want them to enjoy their moments without me stealing their thunder with yet another unexpected turn of events. I think the gay husband was enough of a surprise without me announcing my pregnancy by a five-timing, friend-thumping, rebound-relationship cretin.’
Stevie smiled and, this time, his dimples showed. ‘I take it there’s no chance of a reconciliation with Daniel, then?’
‘Gosh, no! Never in a million years. I always knew it wasn’t love but, after what he did to you, I wasn’t sure I even liked him. The… er… the deed was already done at that point.’
‘How do you think Daniel will react?’
‘Not well. I expect he’ll deny it, then he’ll want me to end it and, when I refuse to do that, he’ll want nothing to do with the baby, which is absolutely fine by me, but such a shame for the baby. I feel bad that baby bean won’t have a father figure in it’s life.’ I sighed. ‘But I’ll try to do my best to make sure they don’t miss out. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’
‘Of course not. How are you feeling?’
‘The nausea has subsided a bit so that’s a relief. I’m a bit scared, but I’m also really excited. I know I may not look it right now, but that’s because I’m still a little shell-shocked at seeing baby bean for the first time. It’s starting to feel more real.’
Stevie touched my hand and a shockwave passed through me, sending my pulse racing. ‘Congratulations,’ he said. ‘I know how much having a baby means to you.’
‘Thank you. It’s not exactly the way I’d have chosen to do it, but I don’t think anything that’s happened this year is the way I’d have chosen.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a tough year for you.’ We both stared out at the sea. ‘Unexpected events usually make us stronger, though. They test us and they help us know ourselves.’
‘Very profound, and very true.’
We sat in silence, still staring out at the waves.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ Stevie said after a while. ‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’
‘I’ll try to.’
He turned in his seat to face me. ‘If you hadn’t found out about the baby, would you have considered… I mean, would I have stood any… erm… would you…?’
My heart raced so fast, I felt like it might explode, as I held his gaze. ‘I would.’
We gazed into each other’s eyes. Was he going to ask me out anyway, despite the baby? What would I say? I wanted to say yes, but it was hardly fair on him, was it?
Stevie looked away and cleared his throat. ‘I think I’ve imposed on your thinking time for long enough, so I’ll head home and leave you to it. Your secret’s safe with me. Look after yourself.’ Then he exited Bertie and ran off down the Headland without a backwards glance.
I leaned back in my seat and sighed. Well, that went well. Two men want to go out with me, I tell them I just want to be friends, and somehow the only three people who know about my pregnancy, other than my boss, counsellor and medical professionals, are my former arch-enemy and those two men. One never wants to see me again and the other couldn’t get out of the car fast enough even though I admitted that I’d have chosen him. Nice one, Elise!
I watched Stevie disappear into the distance, my heart sinking. I picked up the scan. ‘If it hadn’t been for you, baby bean, Stevie and I might be together. I think we know that Michael was just a crush, don’t we, and Stevie was always something a bit more special?’ Oh well, it wasn’t going to happen now. He’d just proved that by running away. I suppose I had to give him credit for not running off immediately because he’d probably wanted to. ‘From now on, bean, it’s just you and me against the world.’
I gently placed the scan in my bag then drove back to Smuggler’s View where I should have done some marking. Instead, I searched online for prams, cots and Moses baskets. For the first time, I started to feel like a mum.
When I lay down to sleep that evening, though, all I could think about was Stevie and the hopeful look in his eyes when he’d asked me if he’d stood a chance. Before he fled, that is.
Chapter 33
An unexpected text came through the next morning shortly after breakfast.
* From Gary
Solicitor just called to confirm that all’s good for completion tomorrow. The house is nearly empty, but I found a couple more boxes of your stuff. I’ve left them in the kitchen for you to collect at some point today
* To Gary
Thought I’d got all my stuff. What’s in them? I gave you my key so I can’t get in! Don’t suppose you could meet me there tonight?
* From Gary
I can drop them off if you want. I’m not going to tell you what’s in them, but I think you’ll be excited :)
* To Gary
That’s mean! I’m going to be thinking about this all day now! Kay has a friend coming round tonight, so it would be easier to meet you at the house. Any time that suits you
* From Gary
See you there at 6.30pm. Happy thinking!
I put my Blackberry down on the dining table and tried to resume my marking, but Gary had me intrigued. I’d be excited? What could he possibly have found that would make me excited?
I picked up a Year Eleven English Literature assignment and tried hard to focus on that
instead of speculating on what Gary might have found. Unfortunately the assignment was a critique of Romeo and Juliet. A relationship that could never be, eh? Just like Stevie and me. I sat forwards in my chair with my head in my hands, and sighed. This was ridiculous. I’d make myself another cup of tea, then knuckle down. Half term would soon be over and I was way behind with my prep. I’d allowed myself the weekend to relax, but hadn’t expected to lose the whole of the day before, worried about the scan, then thinking about my encounter with Stevie.
I felt ridiculously nervous as I pulled onto the drive and parked Bertie next to Gary’s car. I glanced across at the big red ‘SOLD’ panel across the ‘For Sale’ board, which still seemed so out of place outside the house that had been our home for the past six years.
The front door opened before I had a chance to ring the bell. Gary must have been watching for my arrival. ‘I can’t wait to see your expression when you see what I’ve found.’ His grin was huge and his excitement was infectious.
‘I nearly didn’t get any work done today, thanks to your little teasers.’ My voice echoed in the hall; a clear indication of an empty property. I didn’t like the sensation.
‘Come through to the kitchen.’
‘You look tired,’ I said. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I haven’t had much sleep recently, but I’m fine. Come on. I’m desperate for you to see this.’
I followed Gary down the hall. He stopped outside the kitchen door. ‘Close your eyes.’
‘Gary!’
‘Humour me.’
I sighed, but smiled and did as I was told. He took my hands and led me into the kitchen.
‘No peeping.’
‘They’re closed.’
‘Before you open them, did you guess what I might have found?’
‘No. And I had to stop thinking about it because I wasn’t getting any work done.’
Getting over Gary (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 2) Page 26
