by Mingmei Yip
Abruptly Pearl stopped, then tears swelled in her eyes while she croaked a wailing "Ruby! "
Her eyes glued to the butterfly and her expression transfixed, Pearl now looked as if her soul were being snatched away by a dark, unfathomable force.
"Wah!" Red Jade sneered with her shrill, saccharine voice. "How sentimental! You even give a worthless insect such a precious name. You," her high-pitched voice suddenly dropped many notches, "are just an ugly old bitch who crawled out from the rotten gate of another dog-fucked bitch!"
Before we could respond to this, Red jade lifted her fan toward the butterfly. The insect immediately rested on it.
She snapped shut the fan. Then she opened it back up and let the crushed yellow mess drop onto the ground.
Pearl's gold filigreed butterfly fell from her hair, hitting the floor with a dull plop.
19
Last Journey in the
Red Dust
-t was Aunty Ah Ping who found Pearl's body hanging from a rafter in the temple of the haunted garden. Later it was said that a yellow butterfly hovered by the hem of her gown.
The moment Fang Rong and Wu Qiang heard of Pearl's death, they went to search her room. I offered to help. Not only was I eager to do something for my blood sister, I also wanted to find her qin. But to my alarm, after everything had been turned upside down, there was still no trace of the instrument.
I asked Fang Rong, "Mama, have you seen Sister Pearl's qin?"
She thought for a while. "Ah, you mean that rotten piece of wood that Pearl called an instrument? I haven't seen it for a long time. Maybe she'd finally grown tired of it and thrown it away. I heard her play it once or twice a long time ago. But you know what it sounded like? A cat's meowing!"
Mama kept babbling on while my mind went blank. Now that Pearl had boarded the immortal's journey, the qin would be the only thing that would link me to her. And now even this tie was severed. An overwhelming sadness rippled through my heart.
As soon as Pearl's room was empty, Wu Qiang set off several strings of firecrackers to scare away evil spirits. With the explosions ringing in my ears instead of Pearl's ghost wailing, I stared at the empty space and realized that my dearest sister was forever gone.
It didn't surprise me that Peach Blossom had decided not to carry out a full funeral for Pearl.
When I asked Mama whether she was going to hire any Buddhist or Taoist priests to recite sutras for their daughter's soul, she said, "You think Peach Blossom is a charitable organization that we have all this easy money to spend?" She stared at me, her eyes forlorn, even the mole between her brows looked distressed. "Xiang Xiang, haven't you realized that every coin we earn here, if you break it open, will bleed?"
Mama was saying that all the money was hard-earned with sweat, tears, and blood. She was right. Only it was us who bled and she who got the money.
Then, to my utter disbelief, she announced that she was not going to Pearl's burial. She sighed, "Hai, Xiang Xiang, it's not that I'm so cold-hearted that I won't even accompany my dear daughter on her last trip in the red dust. It's because I don't have time. Look at Peach Blossom, it's packed every night. If I don't keep an eye on the minutest detail for one second, things will go wrong just like that!" Her thumb and middle fingers collided to create a small explosion. "Do you think Pearl will forgive me for that? So, in order to appease her soul, I can't go to her burial."
"But Mama, the burial will be held in the morning, not the evening! "
She shot me a chiding glance. "Xiang Xiang, if I don't have enough sleep in the morning, how can I take good care of the business in the evening?" Her tone held a scolding edge. "And don't forget I do this entirely for you and your fellow sisters, otherwise," she paused, then blurted out, "remember years ago that little beggar who robbed your ice cream and was almost hit by a car? If anything goes wrong in Peach Blossom, all of you will end up like him, you understand?" She smiled. "But generous-hearted as I am, I'll pay for her coffin and costs for the burial."
If someone kills herself, her ghost will hover near the place of suicide, harassing anyone who lives there. I wanted to tell Fang Rong that if she and Wu Qiang didn't go to pay respect at Pearl's burial nor hire monks to appease her soul, she would emerge from the yin world to pester Peach Blossom. But I had an idea forming in my mind and did not want to do anything to draw attention to myself.
Pearl was buried on a windy morning two days after her suicide. Mama had ordered that the incident be kept a secret. "I don't want her former customers to come, because Peach Blossom doesn't want our rich guests to catch bad luck."
So only Aunty Ah Ping, Spring Moon, and I went to bid Pearl farewell.
Her emaciated body had been laid in an equally emaciated coffin, then carried by two guards to the haunted garden. The three of us followed silently behind. Spring Moon was secretly wiping away tears. Aunty Ah Ping, as usual, looked as if her mind were somewhere else, while I was still too stunned by the whole thing to know what I felt.
In the daytime, the garden didn't look haunted, but sad, like a deserted woman lamenting her ill Karma behind the long, deep gate. Though it was early spring, as we made our way along the muddy earth, there was not a single patch of green to dispel the dreariness. Our black robes, fluttering in the breeze, only added another shade of gloom.
More depressing sights were yet to come. The guards, now ready to lower the coffin into the pit which lay before us like a hungry ghost's wide-open mouth, eyed us directly as if to say, "Let's get this over with!"
Right then, Aunty Ah Ping waved them a halting hand, then tilted her bag and poured out its contents. She lit a match and began to burn the paper offerings-money, gold and silver ingots, clothes, and to my puzzlement, even a paper baby doll. She kept murmuring unintelligible prayers until the guards got so impatient that they tossed the coffin into the black hole. Then the two muscular men shoveled big spadefuls of earth onto the "four-and-a-half pieces of wood" until it gradually vanished from sight. It was then that my tears, like water flooding from a collapsed dam, poured down my cheeks.
After the guards had tossed the last spade of mud, each pulled out a filthy rag to wipe his face and hands, then, with neither words nor a trace of emotion, strode away. The three of us stood motionless in front of the small, unmarked piece of ground where underneath lay our beloved Pearl, whose body, I imagined, was still warm. Now I was totally alone in the world. Pearl hadn't even left a note of farewell for me. How could she have abandoned me like this?
I only let my tears flow during the daytime. In the evening, I willed my lips to lift into a dimpled smile and my eyes to dance like butterflies, while my heart silently bled.
Red jade's sudden rise to fame brought even more business and prestige to Peach Blossom. Huge signboards carved with her name and strewn with fresh flowers and colorful lanterns hung day and night above the pavilion's entrance. Every day she received piles of invitations to go out and was seen everywhere-exclusive restaurants, fashionable teahouses, night clubs, elegant gatherings, opera houses.
However, Red jade's popularity didn't seem to affect my business. Invitations also piled high on my table and poems praising me were passed around. My faithful regulars said that I possessed something Red jade fatally lacked-an artistic air. While I had the true manner of a refined musician and sensitive poet, Red jade only looked like a prostitute feigning to be an artist. My painting teacher Mr. Wu had once told me she couldn't even hold a brush straight, that was why her lines were always crooked. He said, "We painters say, Only if the heart is sincere will the brush be straight.' "
Curiously enough, Red jade never acted antagonistic to me. When we ran into each other in the pavilion or caught each other's glance in a restaurant or at the opera, she would even nod and smile sweetly toward me. At that moment, while my heart softened, Pearl's words would ring loudly in my ears:
Beware of this cunning fox. While she smiles, she'll stab you with a knife.
How wrong, Sister Pearl. She ha
dn't even had to stab you with a knife and you still died.
Whenever I saw Red Jade, I'd secretly swear to myself that I would be brutal and scheming like her, so that I would be able to escape from Peach Blossom, find my mother, and discover the unknown warlord who had killed my father.
On the seventh evening of Pearl's death, after I'd served my last customer, I sneaked away from Peach Blossom and headed straight to the haunted garden. There were two things I had to do: make offerings to Pearl and pray to Guan Yin.
The moon was hidden behind clouds, leaving the sky dark and empty, as if it, too, were mourning Pearl. I stepped across the temple's threshold with a heavy heart and an equally heavy basket filled with Pearl's favorite foods, together with incense, towel, plates, cups, and chopsticks. From the lantern in my hand, a spot of yellowish light bounced around the empty floor, reminding me of a mercury lamp highlighting performers on stage. Only tonight the stage was empty, for the performer had already gone.
"Pearl," I whispered, tears stinging my eyes.
I tilted the lantern and looked up, trying to locate the beam where Pearl had hanged herself. Had she chosen the same one that Ruby had picked seven years before? Staring at the numerous rafters, I wondered how many other sisters had willingly, or unwillingly, ended their lives dancing in midair. The image soon became so horrifying that I had to look away.
I hurried to the altar, arranged the food and tea that I'd brought, then stooped to reach for the Guan Yin statue. The Goddess looked compassionate, as usual, but also completely oblivious to the fate of Pearl, her faithful worshipper.
"Why didn't you stop Pearl from killing herself?" I asked out loud while my hands carefully wiped the goddess with a towel.
She stared back at me with inanimate eyes. I sighed, then took out Pearl's and Ruby's pictures and arranged them on the altar next to Guan Yin. Since I had no wish to stay long, I made the ritual simple. I offered incense, tea, and food to the Goddess of Mercy. Then I swore to her that I'd cultivate myself to be a woman with a thousand scheming hearts, so I could lure a thousand rich and powerful men into my arms. First, I would use their influence to get back at Red Jade, then I'd cajole enough money from them to leave Peach Blossom and find my mother. I also importuned Guan Yin to help me find the warlord, and when I did, grant me the nerve to put a bullet in his evil head.
I felt a little guilty that my prayers were full of anger, bitterness, and selfish desires. Would a Goddess of Compassion grant me all these bad-karmic, ill-intended wishes? Feeling culpable, I asked the Goddess to forgive my vengeful intentions. After that I said a short prayer to Ruby. Since I had never met her and didn't really know much about her, I could only say something like "How are you doing? I hope you're now having a happy life with Pearl in the yin world."
Finally it was Pearl's turn. I offered, with the greatest respect, her favorite Iron Bodhisattva tea, and the foods she had loved: roasted watermelon seeds, sugared ginger, steamed crab dumplings, spicy dandan noodles in soup.
Words poured from my lips like beans spilling from a can. "Dear Sister Pearl, tonight is the seventh night after you set out upon the immortal's journey. I am sure now you are residing happily in the Western Paradise filled with fragrant flowers, melodious birds, auspicious animals, youthful immortals, and all the seven treasures. How is Sister Ruby? I am also sure that now you two are happily reunited. Please don't worry about me; life in the yang world and in Peach Blossom are all right.
"Sister Pearl, I'll never forget you, our wonderful time together, nor all the precious things you taught me, especially the qin. However, I have to tell you that, sadly, the day after you boarded the immortal's journey when I was helping Mama and De clean up your room, the qin was nowhere to be found. You told me repeatedly that I should take very good care of this sacred instrument. I'm afraid that now, having no trace of its whereabouts, I have let you down.
"Sister Pearl, even if I fail to find it in the future, I'll forever cherish the qin and your teaching in a secret chamber of my heart. You gave me a pure land where no one can trespass. Now without you, I don't know how long I can survive in Peach Blossom. I must escape, although I have no idea how to live outside.
"I'll keep coming here to offer you your favorite food and tea. Sister Pearl, anything you want me to do for you, please tell me in my dreams. Or anything else you need-clothes, books, car, house, silver, gold-just tell me and I'll buy paper ones and burn them for you. I hope you've finally found your peace and joy in the beautiful paradise where you are residing now."
When I finished my prayer, my face was wet with tears and my heart bitter as a concoction brewed in an old medicine cauldron.
I began to pack. As I was about to put Guan Yin back underneath the altar, to my surprise, a small bundle slipped from the bottom of the statue. I picked it up, untied the red ribbon, and unrolled the paper.
I was stunned to see what lay in front of my eyes. It was Pearl's refined calligraphy on rice paper!
I tried very hard not to let my tears smear the ink.
Xiang Xiang:
I'm sure you'll be very upset when you know that I'll be joining Ruby and leaving you behind in the red dust. You must also be distressed that I didn't even bid you farewell. But I'm sure you'll find this letter someday, because I know you're a good, loyal sister and will come here to make offerings to Guan Yin for me. If you're not, then not only will you never see this letter, but you'll also never see the things I've left you.
Sorry that I'll leave you behind, but I have to go-without you.
My life, good or bad, happy or sad, it doesn't really matter now; the most important thing is that I've lived it, prestigiously. Although I'm thoroughly disgusted by the evil of human nature, at least I've had the chance to see through it to its very bottom. That's why I have no regret in leaving this world, for my heart is now free, and so is my vision.
After I've left, you'll not be alone in the world. You have another "relative" Aunty Ah Ping. Don't be upset when you've learnt the truth that I've been hiding from you.
Ah Ping is my mother
She didn't kill herself as I've told you, only attempted suicide. She tried to jump from our apartment window but Ruby and I clung tightly to each of her feet. I was eight and Ruby thirteen. We pleaded and pleaded, begging her not to turn us into orphans. Finally we said if she jumped, we'd fall, too, by clinging to her.
Although my mother had failed to kill herself, she succeeded in drinking poison to ruin her voice-she feared that in her unsteady state of mind she might reveal who our father was and thus put our lives in danger. But sadly, after she'd lost her voice, it seemed that she had also lost even more of her mind.
She'll be sad to learn about my death, but then she'll also forget about it very quickly. That is one of the reasons I feel free to go. If she could think like a normal person, then I'd never have the heart to break hers.
Please don't blame me for leaving you behind. I have to go, Xiang Xiang. Not only can't I live with such humiliation, as I've said, but also I am thoroughly disgusted by the species called human being. Remember the oil portraitist Jiang Mon? He's never come to see me since the announcement of the contest, nor sent a word of comfort. Of course I know the reason for his absence fear He doesn't want our relationship to be found out, dreading that he might get in trouble. A coward. I'm sure Chief Che would never harass him, for he's not important enough to be worth the bullet!
However, just in case you run into him someday, tell him that I still love him, for he's the only man to whom I gave the best fucking years of my life.
Please take good care of Aunty Ah Ping, for me and for Ruby-your other sister you've never met. Whenever you celebrate, anything-a festival, new year, your birthday, please never forget to leave places for us. Also take good care of Plum Blossom and stroke her beautiful feathers for me.
You're a very brave and strong girl, so I'm sure you'll do well without me. Don't worry too much, for Ruby and I will accumulate merit for you in the yin worl
d so you'll have a good life in the yang one. I'm sure someday you'll meet someone you love, leave Peach Blossom, and live a free, happy life. Another thing I'd like you to promise me-don't try to revenge. You might not believe me, but it's true that I don't hate Red Jade anymore. Having finally found my peace of mind, I don't want any trace of bitterness in my heart while I'm leaving this dusty world for paradise. There's already enough bad qi around us, so please don't generate more. It's very bad Karma, for it'll eventually turn on you.
Now reach as far as you can under the altar and you'll find the qin. Look inside the resonance box. I have something there for you. I also left other things for Mama and De so that they won't suspect my gifts to you.
One last thing, take very good care of the qin and yourself.
Your sister Pearl's last writing
P.S. One more thing. I've just found out that I am pregnant but the father, I believe, is the one who would not come to see me.
I fell against the wall and cried until the wells of my tears were emptied. I felt limp with exhaustion but still I crawled over to the altar and peeked underneath. Far back, I saw the faint glimmer of brocade. Hands trembling, I reached to pull out the qin. Then, with utmost care and respect, I set it on the altar, turned it over, and reached my fingers inside the resonance box.
