by Sloane Tanen
“When you grow up taking care of everyone, you learn how to get shit done.”
“Like killing farm animals?” I asked. I mean, I felt like I took care of shit too, but this was different.
“Did you grow up on a farm?” Cisco asked, captivated. I think it was the first time he had really looked at Milan. I felt a stab of jealousy.
“No, mostly in the back of a car driving across the country with my family to auditions. But sometimes we had no money, and when you have to eat, you have to poach food.” Milan paused. “I haven’t done that in years. It felt good.”
“Is that a chicken?” Chaz asked, clapping dirt off his hands and running over with Jonah to the scene of the crime. I’d never seen him move so fast.
“Why would there be a chicken on a deserted island?” Jonah asked. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“Who cares?’ Chaz returned flippantly.
“Yeah, don’t people have to breed chickens?” I asked, trying for the thousandth time to make things up with Jonah and failing.
He ignored me, of course.
“I agree with Chaz. Who cares?” Cisco said. “Let’s cook.”
“I’ve never met such a carnivorous vegetarian,” I said, smiling.
Cisco looked right at me and grinned. His dimples were working overtime. Gorgeous. Screw the provenance of the chicken, it was chow time.
The prospect of a chicken dinner had us all feeling perky.
“But how did it get here?” Jonah asked aloud again. “Maybe it’s left over from when the landing strip and control tower were working?” He wasn’t one to lose focus.
“I don’t care if it rollerbladed from Times Square,” Chaz sung. “Let’s Shake ’n Bake.”
The Dinner Club
Oh my God, that’s disgusting! I can’t believe you ate that,” Milan squealed, laughing.
Chaz was crunching on the bones of what was left of our coconut chicken feast. I marinated the chicken in coconut juice and cooked it whole, kebab style. It tasted ridiculously delicious. Yes, we were starving, but my culinary skills didn’t go unnoticed. Even Chaz was being nice to me. By the time we were done eating there was nothing left but a pile of bones. On a dare from Milan, Chaz ate the head, eyeballs and all. The crunching sounds were so revolting and hilarious. Chaz kept rolling his eyes back as if he were in culinary ecstasy, but it was obvious he was about to barf.
“I’d do anything for your amusement, dahlink. You know that.”
“You guys should date,” Cisco said, laughing. “You sure you’re gay, Chaz?”
“Oh yeeeah,” Chaz said, pulling a bone out of his mouth, “and I’m saving all my love for you,” he beamed.
Cisco laughed, and Jonah got up and walked away. Chaz called after him, “Jonah, honey! Don’t be offended. I just prefer brunettes. But you know I’m available for you too.”
“We’re cool, Chazzy,” Jonah replied, grabbing more wood for the fire.
“I really do find his homophobia oddly provocative,” Chaz whispered to Milan, rubbing his belly. “Is that wrong?”
“I just can’t believe he’s so shameless about it,” she said. “It’s so un-PC.”
“Christians are dicks,” Cisco added.
“Totally,” I nodded and smiled. Milan looked at me and chuckled.
“Whatever you say, Cisco!” Milan mocked me playfully. She seemed to think I agreed with everything Cisco said.
“I just don’t understand straight men,” Chaz ruminated, picking at a piece of chicken wedged between his back teeth. “I mean, why would anyone want to deal with all that,” he said, pointing at my crotch area, “when they can enjoy all this,” he said, gesturing to his package.
“Hey! Why are you pointing to me?” I asked, mortified. I looked at Cisco, who was looking at my groin area along with everyone else. Jesus Christ.
“I don’t know. All those freckles and red hair. It just looks like it would be really unappetizing.”
Milan laughed hysterically, covering her mouth with her hand in mock coyness. So much for our “friendship.”
“Like peeling through your layers of fat and body hair is a sexy proposition?” I asked Chaz.
Milan laughed even harder. She had no loyalty.
“Well, I have zero interest in what you’re packin’, Chaz,” Cisco said, “But Francesca’s hot. Sexiest head of curls I’ve ever seen.”
Milan stopped laughing.
“Maybe on a desert island,” Chaz scowled with disdain. Cisco and I locked eyes, and I looked away fast. I knew Cisco Parker didn’t actually think I was “hot,” but I had never been so appreciative or grateful for a compliment. Then again, I don’t think I’d ever been called “hot” in my life. He was a good guy. And did I mention his eyelashes?
“Well,” Chaz asked, as Jonah returned, “why not take a walk on the wild side? How ’bout a little sample o’ heaven here on earth?”
“I’ll pass, Chazzy girl, but thanks for the offer.”
“Do you people even have sex?” Chaz asked Jonah.
“What people?”
“You know, praying, wafer-eating, rosary-wearing people?”
“Don’t be stupid,” I said.
“Sure,” Jonah laughed. “But I don’t,” he added, much to everyone’s surprise.
“So you’re really a virgin?” Milan said in disbelief.
“Yes,” he answered without apology.
I took out my phone immediately. This was a group conversation I didn’t want to have. My “journaling” had become a sort of way of hiding. They seemed to think my habit just freakish enough to leave me to it. And as I, unlike the others, actually needed to be alone sometimes, it was beginning to function as a sort of Do Not Disturb sign.
“I’m waiting until I get married,” Jonah answered Milan. “Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.”
“Are you serious, man? I thought all that promise ring crap was just PR.” Cisco’s expression looked as if he’d just heard that Angelina Jolie had chest hair.
“Oh my God. A real virgin! I have to have you now,” Chaz said as he jumped up and tackled Jonah from behind. Jonah tried to run, but Chaz pinned him down and was dry humping him. Funny.
“Me too!” Milan squealed, jumping on top of Chaz until all three of them were rolling around on the ground and laughing. It was the first time I’d seen Jonah relaxed. I wanted to tell him I was a virgin too so the two of us could roll around together. Frankly, I was just sick of being a virgin. It was embarrassing.
All of a sudden, Jonah pushed Chaz off him. “Get off me, you faggot!” he yelled.
We were all stunned into an uncomfortable silence. Nobody moved for a few seconds. I took back my sentiments about Jonah. He was an asshole. It was the first time Jonah’s homophobia seemed to bother Chaz because it felt really hostile and personal. I mean, how could it not?
Jonah stood up, wiping the dirt off his jeans as if they were contaminated. What was weird was that Chaz, who was never at a loss for words, didn’t say anything in his defense. He just snickered. Maybe he was too shocked to speak. All I knew was that Jonah really had it coming. His born-again-ism was like a gigantic zit on an otherwise pleasant personality. I’d never met anyone so wedded to his religion and all its stupid ideas about sexuality. I didn’t even think people still used the word faggot.
“Call him that again and I’ll tell everyone from Perez Hilton to Barbara Walters the many ways you screwed me left, right, and center, each and every day we were stranded here,” Milan said calmly, shooting Jonah her best death glare. “And don’t think they won’t believe it. Then you can take your ‘abstinence makes the heart grow fonder’ slogan and shove it up your tight ass.”
Nobody spoke for what felt like a very long time.
“All right,” Jonah finally said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry, Chaz. I shouldn’t have said that. I just don’t get why you would choose to do something so disgusting.”
“First of all, I didn’t choose anything,”
Chaz balked. “And second, there ain’t nothing disgusting about my fondness for the male member. I don’t comment on your wish for fish. Talk about disgusting.”
Jonah sat back down but didn’t say anything more.
“So Milan, when did you lose your virginity?” Cisco asked, awkwardly attempting to pierce the uncomfortable tension and get the attention back on to him.
“When I was twelve,” she said flatly, shaking the dirt out of her hair remains while still glaring at Jonah.
“Jesus!” we all said in unison. I put down the phone.
“To who?” I asked.
“None of your business,” she snapped. “I thought you were journaling in space?”
“Lighten up, Milan,” Cisco came to my defense. “We’re all sharing.”
Milan paused. It was obvious she wanted to talk, but she’d been backstabbed so many times, it was probably hard for her to trust anybody. I mean, her own mother wrote an exposé about her, right? That said, we were all so bored there was nothing left to do but talk.
I looked over at Chaz. He was done licking whatever wounds Jonah might have inflicted. Now he was practically drooling out the side of his mouth waiting for Milan’s answer. Much as he liked Milan, I’m pretty sure he was making mental notes for his website. How could he not be? Even I thought about my essay for Seventeen and laughed to myself. Seventeen! I could sell this story to People for millions. I’d be the new Dicole Richie for young girls.
“So,” Chaz said, prodding Milan, “who’d you lose it to?”
“An executive at Accordian,” she answered, pulling out a strand of hair and splitting it into two pieces.
“Your dad prostituted you out?” I asked
“It wasn’t like that. I really liked the guy. My dad didn’t know what was going on. He doesn’t think that way.”
“You were twelve. Do you not get how wrong that is?”
Milan shrugged.
“How old was he?”
“I don’t know, thirtyish.”
“God, that is just gross.”
“Did he help your career at least?” Chaz asked her.
“Kind of. But when he insisted on getting a cut, my dad threatened to call the police, and he got fired. Now he’s a manager at Wendy’s.”
“Ewwwww,” we all chimed.
“Your dad sounds like a real prize,” Cisco said.
“Fuck you. He was doing the best he could for us. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” Milan looked sad. “Obviously it all worked out for the best.”
“Yeah,” Cisco said, “you’re a model of healthy American adolescence, Milan. Every mother’s dream.”
Chaz jumped to Milan’s defense. “You’re not exactly Jonah Baron, Cisco.”
Chaz was referring to Cisco’s first girlfriend, Sundance Olivier, a famous pop star, who wrote a top-forty song about Cisco dumping her two days after they lost their virginity to each other. I wondered if that really happened or if it was all a press spin. I would have liked to have asked Cisco, but it really wasn’t my business. But apparently it was Chaz’s.
“Did you pop Sundance Olivier’s cherry?” Chaz asked bluntly. “I mean, did that whole thing really happen?”
“Oh, it happened.” Cisco smiled wistfully. “We were fifteen and doing Beach Party Bongo together. It was awesome. I loved her. I’ll always love her.”
Milan rolled her eyes behind Cisco.
“And you treated her so well,” Chaz added facetiously. “Too bad you destroyed her by leaving no actress un-humped in her wake.
Cisco chuckled as if nodding to his old, bad boy days. “Anyway, what can I say?” he offered up by way of an excuse. Chaz looked at him with mock disgust.
“That you’re a whore. I mean, how many women have you slept with since your public deflowering?”
“Who’s counting?”
“Nobody can get that high.”
“Whatever man, that was all before.”
“Before you discovered how sexually satisfying it is to recycle?”
“Something like that,” Cisco smiled, scratching his head. “Besides, she wasn’t my first. That part was for the press.”
“Who was?” Milan asked.
“Dana Worchofsky.”
“Worchofsky?” Chaz laughed. “She sounds hot. Does she have a snout and tail?”
“She was really hot. She was my mom’s best friend.”
“You’re a pig,” Milan sneered.
“Was a pig,” Cisco said, holding up his hand to correct her.
“Ahhh, so now you’re a pig masquerading as a humanitarian.”
I laughed. Milan was pretty quick with the one-liners.
“Well,” Chaz said, clearing his throat, “the first time I had sex was with my cousin, and it scared me unstraight. God, it was awful.”
“Yeah, sex with family relations usually is,” I said. I forgot I was supposed to be hiding.
“Not that part,” Chaz corrected me. “Just the whole vagina business in general. Not for me. Sin or not,” he said, looking at Jonah, “now I stick to people who share the same equipment. It’s amazing how good the ride is when you’re with somebody who drives the same car!”
I was still staring at my phone, both hoping and praying that somebody would and wouldn’t ask me about my virginity. Nobody did.
After a while, Jonah started to sing “Amazing Grace,” and we all fell into a kind of trance. It was the first time I’d ever heard him sing. He might have been a narrow-minded jerk, but his voice was otherworldly. Totally and completely off-the-charts magical. I don’t know why this was so surprising, considering he was a famous singer, but it was really easy to forget that these people were actually talented and not just lucky assholes. Even though he obviously hated me, I was officially crushing on him. Even Cisco looked moony.
“He’s awesome,” Milan whispered to me, digging into her hair.
I hoped bearing witness to real talent might make her reconsider a singing career. I waited silently for her epiphany.
“Is your head like totally fucking itchy?” is all she said.
Between a Rock and Hard Place
Eve’s breathing was uneven by the time any of us remembered to go check on her. In all the excitement over the chicken and virginity, we hadn’t given her a thought. Nobody even thought of asking her if she wanted to eat. I realized I was as self-involved as everyone else here. I felt guilty.
“We should have saved some chicken for Eve,” I said to Jonah, scratching my head. It really was itchy.
“She can’t eat,” he said, assuaging my guilt a little. “She just needs to drink. Assuming she wakes up.”
Eve’s face was now purple, as if all the blisters had joined together into an unsightly map of hives.
“Proof is in the pudding,” Chaz laughed, unable to resist a dig at me.
“It’s getting better,” I said. “Rashes always look worse before they get better.”
“Maybe we should just put her out of her misery,” Chaz said, licking remains of chicken juice off the webbing between his fingers.
“I can’t handle this,” Milan cried. “I’m not good with dead people.”
“She’s not dead,” I hissed. “And stop talking about her like that. She might be able to hear you.”
“I’d shag a midget for a cig,” Milan said, still twitching a little.
“Maybe,” Cisco paused thoughtfully, “this whole thing is like a hidden blessing for you, Milan. Like an opportunity to cleanse your body of all toxins. Make a fresh start.”
“A fresh start as what, Cisco? A chunky, high-strung baldy with a raging case of head lice and an associate degree from AA?”
“I’ve helped a lot of people in more trouble than you,” he said, swatting at a mosquito.
“Um, thanks, Mr. Saving the World One Organic T-Shirt at a Time. I’ll pass.” She belched loudly. “You know what you need?”
“Enlighten me,” he smiled.
“Polyester Birkenstocks. Or a hearty moisturizer m
ade from organic whale semen.”
“Hilarious.”
“I bet your house is made out of tofu.”
“Actually, it is eco-friendly. Solar powered, totally green.”
“God, I am sooooo sick of that expression. When will this fad pass already?”
“It’s not a fashion trend, Milan. Do you not get what’s happening to our planet?”
“Can you even name the others?”
“Can you?” he asked. She shrugged. I had a feeling neither one of them could if pressed.
“You’re amazingly unevolved, Milan.”
“And you’re about as spiritual as a maxi-pad with wings.” She bit the very last piece of excess nail off her right hand and spit it out. “My head is so itchy I’m losing my mind,” she said, scraping her fingernails through her scalp violently. “Even my eyes itch. I’m so over this place.”
“Well, if you’re done, then I guess we should go,” Cisco mocked her angrily. “It’s too bad you want to go, because the rest of us are really having such a blast. Isn’t that right? Hey, Eve? You having fun?”
“Screw you, Cisco,” Milan cried, looking around desperately for a place to sleep. She looked very fragile. Her heavy, teary eyes settled on Chaz. “Can I crash on your stomach?”
“Come to daddy,” he smiled, patting his copious belly. Milan smiled gratefully.
Within ten minutes, both Milan and Chaz were out. Chaz looked like the Cheshire cat. Seeing Milan sleeping actually made me happy. Good for her, right?
Cisco and I sat vigil by Eve while Jonah stoked the fire. He was in one of his moods, and it didn’t seem like he wanted to be part of the conversation. He was glaring at us. I tried to think what I might have done to piss him off in the last hour, but I couldn’t think of anything. He suddenly stood up and announced that he was going back to the beach to bring Joe some water in the shell of one of the coconuts.
“I guess it’s just us,” Cisco said, looking at me as he laid his water soaked T-shirt over Eve’s forehead to help bring down her fever. His shirtless torso was enough to make me forget all about Eve. Again.
“Do you think she’ll be OK?” I asked, knowing he had no idea but looking for conversation. I was so dumb around Cisco.
