After washing her face to remove the evidence of her tears, she resolved to forget the last two days. She had been stupid to think she could have a future with a man like him. He was out of her league. Better to end this now before things went too far. If she felt this badly after mere weeks, she could only imagine her heartbreak if she had gotten more deeply involved and he broke up off with her later. She would put on her proverbial mask and go back to pretending everything was normal—he was her boss, she was his employee. Their few moments of indiscretion could be swept under the rug. Nothing unforgivable had happened between them.
Shit! He pounded his fist hard on the desk’s surface after she left. He was pissed with Kerrigan for not telling him that she was a virgin when he could have easily had his way with her. He was upset the most about how he had handled the situation. He had pushed her away, and he was sure he had seen tears in her eyes before she ran off. This was the very sort of thing that had led him to the notion of no-strings-attached sex as the best choice for him.
He had three options as he saw it. Option one—he could let her go, forget everything that had happened between them and let things go back to the way they were. Option two—he could offer her a healthy severance agreement, get rid of her and forget she existed. Option three—he could be honest, confront his past and move forward with the woman who had seized his every thought, invaded his senses, captured his heart and made him feel as if there were hope for love to blossom. After serious internal debate, he stood and made his way to the door. The only choice that could be made was the one that inflicted the least pain on Kerrigan.
He tried twisting the knob, but the door was locked.
“I’ll be right out.”
Kerrigan’s shaky and unsteady voice forced a twinge of pain through his chest. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt her. “Kerrigan, may I please come in?” His tone was tender and calm. He was about to do the hardest thing he’d ever have to do.
“Here I am. I’m ready.” The door flung open, and there she was with all her things in hand. The sheen in her eyes gave her away. She had been crying.
His voice was low and husky, his face riddled with remorse. “I really don’t want you to leave yet. I owe you an apology and an explanation.”
“It’s okay Axel. It’s probably for the best. Let’s just stop this now before things get out of hand. We will never work out. I’ve been caught up in my emotions. I’m not thinking with my head. Let’s go back to the way things were before … all this,” she said, gesturing with her arms waving between them. “Let’s forget the past few weeks.”
“Kerrigan, what’s happening between us has been going on a helluva lot longer than a few weeks, and I don’t want to forget a single minute. Everything I said is true. I want you, only you. I want to know everything about you. What happened in my office brought some painful memories back from a long time ago.”
She shifted from one foot to the next, looking pass him to avoid his face. “Let’s just keep things professional between us. I’m no good at this relationship stuff.”
He was going to break through to her again. Cupping her delicate face with his large hands, he stared into her eyes. “No, I won’t go back to the way things were before. There’s something so powerful between us, I couldn’t ignore my feelings if I tried. I was a jerk. Will you at least give me a chance to explain?”
The way she leaned into his touch, he knew the icy cage that held her emotions captive was melting away.
“Okay. Explain.” Her tone was stern, but he was glad for the opportunity.
“There’s something I need to show you. Will you come with me?”
He held out his hand to her, and she accepted. His pace slow, deliberately enjoying the feel of her hand in his and delaying what was to come. They walked in silence with their fingers intermingled until he led them back to his office.
Axel released her hand and pointed to the large leather sofa opposite the front of his oak desk. “Will you sit there while I look for something?” He dug through a wooden file cabinet and retrieved a thick gray file folder, and then made his way to the sofa where she sat. He sat in the chair next to the sofa, avoiding proximity to her and the electricity between them that made them both rage out of control.
Axel searched the folder until he found a stack of worn and yellowed newspaper clippings. He held one in his hand and stared at the clipping, the article had resurrected pain, angering him to the point that fire behind his eyes nearly scorched the paper.
Sucking in a deep breath, he handed the clipping to Kerrigan without looking at her. “What I’m about to share with you is my darkest secret and biggest source of pain.” His chest pounded. “I’ve never shared this with anyone except close family members. Read, then ask any questions you’d like.”
He knew this was either the end or the beginning of whatever would be between them. His gut ached as if he had gone five rounds against the heavy weight champ.
After reading the article, she slowly lifted her bewildered eyes, searching his. “Oh my god!” He cringed at the terror in her eyes. Did she think he was a monster?
Her glassy glare sent a chill up his spine. “Did you do this Axel?” Her voice teetered on the edge of tears.
Lowering his head, his chin pressed into his chest. “No, Kerrigan I didn’t.” He muttered through gritted teeth.
His heart sank. Reaching out to her, “Read these too,” he said, handing her three more articles.
After reading them all, she inhaled and blew out a hard breath. “When did this happen?”
His shoulders sagged. “About twelve years ago. I spent almost two years of my life in courtroom battles fighting the rape allegation against Sara Murphy before being exonerated. If it weren’t for the email exchanges between Sara and her two roommates exposing their extortion plot, I’d be locked up or worse.”
“What happened exactly?” She asked, her shrunken voice constricted and husky.
He turned his head. He didn’t want her to see him like this—filled with anger, rage and fear. He closed his eyes. “Sara’s friends confessed after entering into a plea deal, and the case was eventually dismissed.”
“How did you get through this?”
The pang in his chest forced his eyes open. Her words weren’t accusatory. “I’m still working on it. My pride and reputation was destroyed. I lost all faith and trust in women to the point that I objectified them. I’m not proud of that.”
She looked up at Axel with sympathy. “Axel, I’m…I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t want her pity. He turned his eyes away, glaring at the base of the desk. “Sara and I had been going out for six months. I really liked her. We were young, and I thought I was in love. She told me she was a virgin. I told her I’d wait until she was ready.” Narrowed eyes and clenched jaw, he paused. Waves of anger rolled through his gut. “We were in her dorm room the night she decided she was ready. We had sex. She didn’t behave like a virgin in the bed. Immediately afterwards, she started crying and screaming, asking me why I raped her. I was so confused. I thought I hurt her.”
He shook his head, a knot formed in his dry throat. “I didn’t know what was going on. I certainly didn’t think I was being set up. Seconds later, one of her roommates walked into the room, and then the other.” Kerrigan stood and moved closer to him, sitting on the arm of the leather sofa. “They attacked and beat the crap out of me, called the police and said they’d witnessed me attack Sara. That was the worst two years of my life.”
She sat motionless, gazing at him with her big hazel eyes. He had revealed his most painful secret, the thing that he had never shared with anyone else, yet he felt compelled to tell her, to open himself up to her completely. He knew what was at risk, but she needed to know his past, even if that meant losing her.
He turned and stared into her eyes. This was his silent plea. “I lost focus on school. My relationship with my parents was strained. It was hell.” He paused. “I know I c
an be aggressive, but Kerrigan, I didn’t rape her.” Desperation oozed from his every pore.
His heart raced. With tightened shoulders, he drew his elbows into his sides and clutched the folder hard until his knuckles turned stark white. He had never felt more afraid and exposed than now.
Kerrigan was stunned. “Axel, I don’t know what to say.”
Slumping over, he exhaled a hard breath, and then stared blankly into the middle of the room. “I understand Kerrigan. I do.”
“Well, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how anyone could be that heartless and evil toward you.” Betrayed by someone that he cared about must have been torturous.
He jerked his head up, his eyes flashing bright, met hers. “You believe me? You’re not going to walk away?”
She heard his vulnerability and saw his anguish. “Yes, of course I believe you. I know you well enough to know you couldn’t do something like that.” Thinking about what could have happened to him if the truth hadn’t been discovered made her sick, the pangs gripping Kerrigan’s insides and nausea rising.
He was just as torn as she was with the desire to move forward but too afraid to trust himself or anyone else. She reached out to touch his shoulder, but he flinched, caught her hand and stared into her eyes. She wanted to offer him some reassurance that her feelings for him were genuine and unchanged. It would take time. He wasn’t ready either. He had to learn to trust her too.
Sliding her hand from his, she lowered her gaze. “I’m so sorry Axel, about before … about today. You’re right. We’re not ready. I can imagine trusting anyone must be difficult, after what she did to you, but I’m not like her.”
He jerked his head back, his eyes widened and the corner of his mouth lifted. “Kerrigan, you’re an amazing woman. I tell you I was accused of raping someone and you think I don’t trust you.” His tender eyes peered longingly at her. “I know you’re nothing like Sara. I would never compare you to her.” He reached out, wrapped his fingers around the hand that he had pushed away and held her hand in his. “I can’t believe there isn’t a part of you that doesn’t believe me. I’ve lost good friends who believed I had gotten away with rape because of my family’s wealth and my father’s reach into the judicial system.”
Kerrigan tilted her head slightly, drawing her lips into a faint smile. “Axel, those so-called friends you lost weren’t really true friends. True friends wouldn’t have turned against you. I know you could never do something like that.”
There was no doubt in Kerrigan’s mind that Axel was innocent. A heavy heart pained her, realizing that he hadn’t been able to move on, but also proud. He hadn’t let the lowest point in his life define whom he would become.
“Sara missed out on what could have been a great thing. Look at you now. You run your own successful agency, made a name for yourself in the ad world despite her attempt to destroy you and you’re okay to look at, too,” she teased, hoping to lighten the mood.
He gave his slow sexy smirk. “Miss Mulls, was that a compliment? It sounds like you might actually like me, and maybe even trust me a little.”
“I guess that did sound that way, huh?” she said, the edges of her mouth creasing.
“Finding out you’re a virgin brought old memories to life. I haven’t been in a serious relationship because of this, and I want a real chance with you Kerrigan. We need to take things slowly, despite what our bodies seem to want. What do you say?”
“Slow is good.” She smiled back.
He raised his brow. “That means no more making out,” he said, laying down the law as if he were trying to convince himself as he said the words aloud.
“Okay, easy.” She nodded.
“Easy for who? Maybe for you.” He said gruffly under his breath, making her laugh.
He nodded his head. “Get to know each other with no pressure.”
She knew he needed this as much as she did. He needed to learn to trust again. He needed time to heal.
“I’m game,” she said.
“Come on. Why don’t I give you a tour of the house, and then we can go out and get some fresh air?”
Kerrigan smiled. “Sounds perfect,” she said, feeling more hopeful after their talk.
He had shown her a side of himself that she had never expected. At work, he was all business. With her, he was the aggressive, dominant male in hot pursuit, and the vulnerable, genuine man who needed rescuing. She liked the many sides of Axel. She was looking forward to spending time with him with no pressure and just getting to know him better.
They rode in silence, listening to the vibes of Mikky Ekko’s Pull Me Down track flowing through the speakers—Axel’s secret anthem to her. He reached over, grabbed Kerrigan’s hand in his for a few moments, and let go. She glanced at him and flashed a bright smile.
His eyes fixed to the road, he broke their silent reverie. “Do you know what I love about you?” He surprised himself. His heart raced, and he blinked hard twice. Oh, shit! He hadn’t meant to use the word love, but it slipped out.
She wrinkled her brow. “I’ve been trying to figure that out,” she teased. She hadn’t been fazed by the word. Good!
“The way your entire face lights up when you smile. You are a natural beauty—flawless mocha skin, full lips, beautiful hazel eyes. I could go on and on.”
“Axel, you’re making me blush.”
“Hold your blush to the end, please. I’m not done.” He smiled. “You have a kind and caring heart, and I admire your hard work. You have a brilliant mind and a great personality. You’re witty, and I enjoy your company. I shared my darkest secret with you and you never even flinched. You’re an amazing woman Kerrigan Mulls.” He paused and caught her large innocent eyes staring up at him. “Okay, commence with your blushing.”
She covered her face with her hands and shook her head. “Thank you.” Glancing back at him, “Do you know what I like about you?”
“Nope. Don’t want to know,” he said. “I’m taking you out, and this is day is all about you, not me. When you take me out, then you can tell me all the wonderful things you like about me.”
Pinching her eyebrows together in surprise, “Are you serious?” she asked.
“Yep.”
She laughed harder now.
“This way, you’ll have to go out with me again,” he teased.
“Okay, can I at least ask you a question?”
“Anything you want baby. I’m an open book.” He leaned over and squeezed her knee.
“Have you ever dated outside your race before?” She blurted out.
He shot her a curious look. “You mean outside the human race?” He said, giving her a smug grin. “No, I’ve never dated outside of the human race. Cows, goats and other live stock aren’t my thing.” Laughing again, she rolled her eyes. “Kerrigan, does the fact that I’m white bother you?”
“No, race doesn’t matter to me. Most white men I know aren’t into black women or at least won’t act on their attraction.”
He looked over at her again. “If that’s true, then it’s a good thing for me that I’m not like most white men you know.” He was relieved that race wasn’t an issue.
“It’s a good thing for me too,” she said, grinning as wide as rush hour traffic in Atlanta is grueling.
He kept down the volume so they could continue their conversation.
“Tell me about your family. Where did you grow up?” he asked.
The sun beamed brightly into the passenger side of the vehicle, and Kerrigan lowered the sun visor. Squinting, she looked over at him. “Well, I grew up in San Diego. Mom and Dad are fantastic. They taught my brother Jordan and I the value and importance of hard work, and respect for others and self. We went to church most Sundays and volunteered every month. Pretty average stuff, I suppose.”
“Not average. Sounds as if you had a wholesome upbringing. So, what about your parents and brother?”
Picking up her handbag, she retrieved a pair of sunglasses and slid them on. “Well,
my brother is a cardiovascular surgeon. He lives in San Diego with his wife Nicole and their twin girls Kara and Mira. Both my parents are semi-retired. Mom was a teacher and dad retired from the Army. He was a police officer until he was injured in an accident some years ago. He works part-time for the police department, but does ‘desk work’ as he calls it. Mom tutors kids and teaches piano lessons. That’s about it really. What about your family?”
He kept his eyes on the road and hands on the steering wheel. “Well, Miss Mulls, I didn’t have such a wholesome upbringing. We lived in lots of different places for my father’s job—Boston, Manhattan, Chicago and Dallas. I’m sure I’m forgetting some of the places where we lived. We moved so often, I lost track.”
“Does your mother still work or is she retired?” She asked.
“My mother has never worked a day in her life. She’s a full-time socialite, hosting or attending parties, galas and fundraisers or engaging in the latest gossip.”
She relaxed her head against the seat. “And your father is an attorney. Does he still practice?”
Giving her a sidelong glance, “Yes. He traveled most of my childhood and was never around. I didn’t get to know him until I was much older. Ryker, my kid brother, followed my father’s footsteps. I went into business.”
She faced him and tilted her head up, brows pressed inward. “That doesn’t sound too bad. You said you didn’t have a wholesome childhood. Why?”
Inhaling a deep breath, he released it with a long sigh. “My mother and father were too busy with their own lives to instill altruistic values in my brother and me. We didn’t always do things together, the way normal families do I suppose. Things are much better now that we don’t share a roof. We speak once every few weeks or so, and I see them a couple of times a year, sometimes more.”
Pull Me Closer (Suits in Pursuit) Page 14
