by Haley Jenner
The streets are decorated in reds, blues, and whites. The colors of our flag bursting in flashes of brightness in the sea of people moving through the celebrations. Smiles are wide, happy faces enjoying the festivities; the music, the food, the coming together of the town, all eagerly awaiting the fireworks. Everyone excited to see the sky explode into bright sparks of light, bursting into the darkness of the night.
I offer half-assed waves to people I know, my hand remaining firmly packed inside my jacket, as I raise the entire side of my coat in silent spoken hellos. Griff’s leash is wrapped around my hand, his little growl coming on every time I lift it to wave.
I tried moving back to Frenchie, it just didn’t seem right. Luca, damn his soul, was right, Griff suits him far better.
I wasn't going to come; happy, or at least ignorant in my denial that I'd be more comfortable at home. Sulking. Pretending to nurse my broken heart, when in reality all I was doing was finding comfort in my wallowing. Reliving every moment spent with Luca and torturing myself with our make-believe happily ever after.
Waiting in line for coffee, I keep my head cast downward, cutting off any potential contact from people I don't care to see. Smiling my thanks, I finally remove my hand from my pocket, replacing the warmth of my coat with the heat from my coffee. I move through the crowd, searching for Darci and the rest of the crew. Of course it’s Luca's head I spot first. How could I not? His height towers above everyone else, his face easily distinguishable in its beauty. His blonde hair covered in a worn beanie. I push through the torrent of people, moving closer to my friends with every step. Taking a deep breath, I make the final push, my feet moving to stop directly in front of their clique.
"Frankie, I didn't think you were coming," Darci accuses, her eyes flicking to Luca then back to me.
I refuse to follow their path, using all my willpower to keep my eyes trained on her shocked stare. My brow furrows at her strange outburst, my head tipping slightly to assess her odd behavior. "And I changed my mind." I smile tightly, embarrassed at her words, their sharp delivery making me feel unwelcome.
To avoid any further embarrassment, I move closer to Bennett and my very cozy looking niece strapped to his chest.
"Hiya, Eméli," I coo, my hand resting on her beanie covered head. I run a finger along her full cheek, kissed pink with the cold of the air. Her eyelashes flutter in sleep and my heart feels a little lighter at seeing her squishy face. Feeling my first genuine smile since probably the last time I saw her, I look up to Bennett.
"Howdy, dear brother-in-law."
Winking at me, Bennett grasps my shoulder, pulling me into the side of his body in a one-armed hug. I relax into his body, taking the comfort he offers. I envy Darci. She took her time following her heart, but I'm glad she finally listened to what it was screaming at her. I'm happy she has someone as good and as solid as Bennett. She deserves that kind of love.
Steeling my posture, I move from Bennett's embrace, finally lifting my eyes to the cold stare of the Viking I so helplessly crave affection from. His angular face is free of the hair that habitually hangs loosely around it, instead knotted at the back of his head, peeking out from his beanie. It gifts me full view of his beauty, and I don’t know whether to feel relieved or burdened by it.
The deep blue of his eyes are trained on me. Of course, he wouldn't look away until he got what he wanted, what he demands from me with just a stoic look.
"Hey, Luc," I speak softly, my lips pressed together in a posed smile. He sees through it, eyes penetrating mine in what I could misinterpret as concern.
"Francesca." I cringe at the use of my full name. No longer because I hate it. Quite the opposite. I crave the way it flourishes along his tongue, ending on a quiet breath of ahh.
Griff barks his impatient hello and without further delay, Luca squats down, letting my dog jump into his arms. Letting go of his leash, reluctantly, Luc smiles his thanks. He chuckles as Griff licks over his face in ecstatic kisses at being reunited with his bud. Traitorous dog.
With superhero strength, I drag my eyes from the heartwarming reunion, moving to glance at the rest of our friends. "Hey, guys."
They all wave their greetings, but I blur my eyes, looking past their faces instead of meeting their worried glances. My eyes fall to someone I barely recognize, a new face and I work to place his face.
"Trey." He flicks his chin in address and I nod my recognition.
“Frankie. You’re Luc’s new barkeep at The Shallow," I invite conversation and he nods but refuses to speak.
"LUCA." His name echoes through my ears, the feminine sing-song of the sound, pulling my attention from Trey's detached presence immediately.
Luca's eyes widen as they hit mine, his nostrils flaring in distress.
"Fuck," a whispered curse hits from behind me and I taste the bile in my throat, knowing before even seeing, that my fears have come to fruition and my heartbreak was nothing in comparison to what was about to wreck me.
Tammy Smith runs to his side, perky smile showcasing her perfect white teeth, pillowy lips coated in a shiny gloss. Her hand wraps around his bicep and I watch in slow motion as her cheerleader body leans into his large one, making certain no one misses the clear meaning.
They're together.
As in together.
The simple intimacy of their embrace advertising their claim to one another.
My bottom lip trembles unintentionally, my eyes fixated on her fingers, hugging his arm in familial affection. I bite my lip. Hard. Working my hardest to stop the shake. The giveaway of my impending tears. Swallowing heavily against the suffocating lump in my throat, I turn my head away and I stare at the asphalt. My composure struggles to find itself. My eyes fill with water and I blink, letting the dampness coat my dark lashes. I grit my teeth against the sob wanting to strip itself from my throat.
"Hey, Frankie." Tammy's voice stabs into my ears once again, her naivety no longer endearing, more torturous in its stupidity.
Finally, clearing my throat, I look to the sky briefly before focusing on the butt of the dagger lodged in my heart. "Tammy. Nice to see you."
I refuse Luca my eyes, not needing his guilt, his pity.
Awkward silence descends, and I shift uncomfortably on my feet.
"Babe," she speaks again, and I can no longer fight it, I look to Luca's face, his eyes pleading for understanding. "Let's grab some food and find a spot to cuddle up to watch the fireworks."
She speaks up to his face, while it’s trained on mine and my jaw ticks in irritation. I drop my eyes to their hands, still held tightly together and blood rushes to my ears.
"Get around a bit nowadays, Tammy." My words rush out before I can stop them, the harshly bitten statement cracking between the group and clouding us all in silence.
She twists to me automatically, shock marking her tender face.
"First Jake, now Luca." I focus on Luca then, his jaw coiled tight. "Didn't peg you as the type, Luc. Jake's sloppy seconds."
Tammy gasps, hand dropping from Luca's body as her face turns oddly to Trey's, her flawless skin firing with a dark shade of red.
"FRANKIE," Darci reprimands.
I look to her, my face open with the betrayal I feel. Moving my eyes to Aubrey, my eyes soften. "Sorry, Aubs."
She lifts her hands in understanding, her eyes moving toward Luca in disapproval.
“Give me my dog.” I scurry forward, working to rip my baby from his arms.
“Crazy Girl,” he whispers, pleading with me to listen, but I shake my head, denying him the chance.
“Give me my fucking dog, Luca.” A sob breaks free and I hate myself.
No, I hate him.
Dammit.
He lets Griff go, pushing my honey-colored baby into my arms as I turn and rush away without sparing anyone another glance.
Fuck them. They were supposed to be my family, my friends. My sister for fuck’s sake. Her allegiance was supposed to be me, not Luca and his newfound jizz bucket.
“Frankie,” he bellows, the ache in his words much like the one in my heart. But it’s just another lie.
This agony living inside of me, I only have myself to blame for it finding its home within me. He was his truest at the very beginning. Love yourself, Frankie. You can’t trust someone else…
And Tammy. Jesus. His best friend’s ex. What a fucking asshole?!
“Frankie.” Speak of the fucking devil.
I move faster on my feet, working to escape the cheerleader I want to eye gouge. But the crowd is thick, people moving in my way, consistently blocking my path. I push at them, demanding they move, but most are ignorant to the time tomb that is my emotions.
“Frankie.” Tammy grabs my shoulder, and I shrug her off, wiping the tears from my face roughly
“Frankie, please, listen, it’s not what it looks like.”
“None of my business, Tammy,” I stutter, growling at the pathetic sound. “Look, I’m sorry about what I said, it was outta line. I—”
“I’m into Trey,” she blurts, moving to block my path.
“Huh?” I finally stop trying to push past her, my tear stained face lifting to meet her eyes.
“Trey,” she repeats, the chirpy voice adopting the discomfort she feels. “I’ve been trying to catch his attention from the moment Luca hired him. It was a stupid plan.”
Sighing, she closes her eyes with an embarrassed shake of her head. “I didn’t realize you and Luca had history, I would never have asked him to help me.”
“I’m confused,” I sniff, readjusting Griff in my arms.
“I knew Trey was coming tonight, I asked Luca to be my date,” she grimaces. “In the hopes it would make Trey jealous. God.” She shakes her head again, blonde curls dancing in time with her frustration. She growls, the feminine sound almost comical.
She laughs, blowing out a frustrated breath. “Luca’s a nice guy, I could tell he wanted to say no, but… I’m sorry, Frankie.”
“You did nothing wrong, Tammy. What I said, oh my God, you must hate me… and in front of Trey,” I groan.
Shrugging, she tucks her hands into her jeans. “Don’t sweat it, my fault for thinking something so ridiculous was a good idea. It was very high school.”
I laugh. “Nah, high school would’ve been asking Luca to ask Aubrey to ask Trey if he liked anyone.”
A sweet giggle escapes her lips, two dimples framing her wide smile.
“We should hang out soon,” I invite.
“I’d like that.” She squeezes my arm in affection. “Text me. I’m going to apologize to Luca and make sure Trey doesn’t think I’m a total goober.”
I wave as she disappears into the crowd, my insides still shaky.
Truth is, Luca and I have been playing this game for weeks now. Flirting is how I earn tips, it’s also the easiest way to fire Luca’s temper. I wink at a customer, Luca slams his change down in a fury that has the guy avoiding me for the rest of the night, only to turn around to smile at some bunny vying for his attention at the bar.
It’s a vicious cycle. One that I’m ashamed of. We’re using our feelings of love, feelings that had once healed the splintered parts of ourselves to hurt one another. Our affection has morphed into something spiteful. The bright flashes of love now painted gray. Their shadows clouding what we once shared in negativity.
Luca was right, searching for your happiness in another person is futile. It never fucking works. In the end, when push comes to shove and they’re forced to choose between you and themselves, you’re never gonna be their priority. Self-preservation is the most basic in human instincts. I’m guilty of it, like everyone else. It can’t be wrong, it’s how we survive. Doesn’t mean life is fulfilling, it just means we get the chance to live another day; as depressing as that day may be.
Chapter Nineteen
Luca
“One Mississippi,” I croak out, eyes still closed.
“Two Mississippi,” I inhale, fighting for the scent. Jasmine.
“Three Mississippi,” I plead, opening my eyes, praying that the last four weeks didn’t happen. That it was all a bad fucking dream, and my life is still as perfect as it was before everything went to shit.
It wasn’t. My apartment is still empty. The ghosts Frankie spoke of very much alive, taunting me from every corner.
I see her everywhere. I smell her. I hear her. A sweet form of torture, because it’s not real, and I can’t actually touch her.
Rolling onto my side, I pull her pillow into my chest. I’m pathetic, but I give about a whole zero fucks. No one fucking knows that I’ve kept her pillow without washing it. She smells good, and I miss that. Truth be told I miss everything about her.
Last night was a clusterfuck. Worse. A fucking encore after encore of clusterfucks. I can still see each and every teardrop kissing her eyelashes in a wet caress. Taste the betrayal she felt painted in her eyes. I can feel her desperation in needing to escape.
Fuck.
When my marriage ended, I’d been bitter. Angry. I hated Jen. I hated the fuckwit I once thought of as my best friend. But my rage, my resentment, it was all directed inward. I was so fucking mad at myself letting that happen. For being so blinded by what love was supposed to be that I refused to see everything it wasn’t. For being weak enough to accept Jen’s indiscretions as my own fault and forgiving her, time and time again. I’d spent my life chasing love from a family that never wanted me, that all Jen had to do was pretend and I fell into her trap. Love made me pathetic, or so I thought, so I resented the concept.
Never, from the single moment I turned my back on my wife, have I ever longed for her, missed her. My anger aside, I forgot about her. I went about building the life I wanted.
Now Frankie’s gone, and she consumes my thoughts. I can’t concentrate.
I long to talk to her, to hear the soft rasp of her voice as she talks incessantly about absolutely fucking nothing.
I miss looking at her, the stolen moments she doesn’t notice, when she’s completely unguarded and I see her beauty in the way it was always supposed to be appreciated, raw.
I crave her smell, that soft hint of jasmine that dances along her skin, beckoning me to taste her.
I ache for just her presence. That soft glow of light that follows her around, offering me warmth and belonging. She bathes my life in happiness, a sun that refuses to fucking set. I need that back.
Her laugh, her body, the dimples that frame her smile, the way she dances as she walks, breaks into song randomly; I yearn for it.
Because I love her. I’m in love with her. Something I’m now very certain I’ve never felt, because the love I had for Jen was worthless, paltry in comparison to what I feel for Francesca. There’s a difference I’ve come to realize, in thinking you love someone, and knowing you’re in love with someone. In the feeling that it gives you, that overwhelming sense of completeness, because you’ve found it. That one thing that everyone spends their life searching for; the other half of your whole. It’s then, in that singular moment, that you wonder how the fuck you survived without it so long. Worse is the feeling knowing it was in my grasp and I let it slip through.
Throwing myself out of bed, I stretch to the ceiling, cracking my neck this way and that.
Taking a piss, and brushing my teeth, I throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt. My feet hit the landing the same time as Aubrey, her gaze averting as she spins in the opposite direction moving away quickly.
“Aubrey,” I cough out, the cool concrete burning the souls of my feet.
She’s been acting weird since I landed back in town. I guess she’s not my biggest fan, not exactly sure of her reasoning, but shit, her man is one of my closest friends, I’d like her to be too.
“Hey, Luca.” She throws over her shoulder. “Late for a job. Catch ya.”
I jog after her. “Hold up, Red.”
She considers rejecting my request, her eyes shifting to the stairs easily within her reach, then back to me. Steeling her fram
e, she gives me her attention, irritation pursing her lips.
“Shit is awkward as fuck between us,” I start and she throws her camera bag over her shoulder, fidgeting with the strap uncomfortably.
“I get you don’t like me,” she counters aimlessly, and I scratch my head in confusion. Taking my silence as agreement, she swallows audibly.
“Look, I’ve paid my dues, I apologized, declared my love publicly. Jake and I have worked through our shit. I don’t need another lecture, Luca.”
My confusion intensifies. Another lecture. Surely, she’s not still harboring animosity toward me about that.
“I know, babe. Bennett sent me the video.” I fail at hiding my smirk.
“Fucking Bennett,” she gripes, folding her arms over her chest.
“Aubrey, I ain’t interested in giving you a lecture. Your and Jake’s relationship is your business, none of mine. Yeah, it rehashed some old wounds, but…”
My voice stops, a frustrated sigh escaping. “Aubrey, I asked you to give my boy breathing space, I apologize if any animosity leaked into my words. Jake’s one of my closest friends, like you and I to share a similar relationship.”
The shield hanging heavily on her shoulders disappears, a sag in relief loosening the steel rod puncturing her spine.
“I’d like that,” she offers, surprise drifting through the tone of her voice.
Dipping my chin, I smile at her, reaching an arm out to pull her against my chest.
Hugging me, she pulls her head back to look up at me. “While I’d love to sit around and paint each other’s nails, I really am late to a job.”
Squeezing her arm, I step back. She pauses midway down the stairs, twisting her body to look up at the landing. “Luca… thanks.”
“For what?”
She shrugs. “For having Jake’s back. For being an all-around good guy. For not cutting me off for being weak—”
“Sometimes we gotta be weak, Red. Lets us acknowledge our strength when we find it.”
Bottom lip tipped out, she considers my words, a thoughtful nod moving her head. I watch her go, waiting until she drives away before heading back toward Jake’s apartment.
