“Yeah, you do. You’re almost there, though.” He grinned. “You’re coming along even better than anyone could have predicted.” He would repeat it as many times as he needed to for Kit to believe him.
Kit nodded slowly and looked back out the window. “If all those scans and stuff I had last week show that the damage is all healed for sure, that means it’s just muscles now. Once the nerve damage gets all resolved, it’s just up to me -- well, and to you.”
“I have a feeling everything is going to look great. I think you’d be in a lot more pain than you are after our sessions if there was still significant damage.”
“Oh, I’m in pain.” Kit laughed and then nodded his thanks as his beer was delivered. “But you’re right -- not as much as it would be. But I can whine more, if you don’t think I’m hurting,” he teased.
Neil’s eyes narrowed. He should have known that Kit was downplaying the pain. “I need you to tell me when we’re pushing too hard.”
“Of course.” Kit drank and put his glass to the side. “Come on, relax. I know that. I’m not going to put myself in danger. If it hurts, if I can’t do it without agony, I tell you. When you ask me if I’m at a six or seven, I tell you. Really, I do.”
He held Kit’s gaze and then nodded. “Okay.” Neil knew getting in Kit’s pants wasn’t as important to Kit as getting better. Some days it might seem like that, but he knew Kit was just teasing those times.
“So, if the tests they did show that it’s just a matter of working the right muscles and making my legs do what my brain tells them, that means I can work on my own at the hospital physio center right? There’s always someone there to spot, even if you’re with another patient?”
“Yes.” He stretched word out, feeling cautious.
“Cool. Practice and all that. As long as I don’t overdo it, there can’t be anything wrong with extra practice. Right?”
“As long as you don’t overdo it being the caveat.” And one Neil wasn’t convinced Kit could follow.
Kit nodded. “I don’t want to be scolded any more than you want to deliver the lecture. Plus, I’ll be mad at myself it I actually cost myself time by having to take a week off to recover.”
Neil grinned suddenly. “Okay -- see, now I believe you.”
“My motives are what keeps me in line,” Kit admitted with a grin. “Costing myself time would be worse than any lecture.” He laughed and leaned forward on the table. “Can we swim again this week?”
“You’re just looking to lose another race so you can get your hands on my bod again.” Neil snapped his mouth shut. Shit, he hadn’t meant to say that.
“Maybe.” Kit gave him a long, slow smile. “Except the winning part means you’ll have your hands on me.”
“I’m still not holding back just because you’re in therapy, you know.”
“If you let me win, I’d have to beat you up.”
“Now that doesn’t sound like fun at all.” Neil chuckled, thoroughly enjoying the meal -- and the company.
“Especially the part where I’d have to chase you in my wheelchair. You running, me tearing after you, everyone staring and wondering what the hell was going on...”
That had Neil snorting with laughter, nearly passing his salad through his nose.
“And I’ll be shouting ‘Come back here, you race blower! I’ll beat you fair and square!’ and you’ll be yelling ‘Help! Help!’ because I’m really quite scary.”
“Oh God, stop, my belly’s hurting.” He held it as he continued to laugh.
“You don’t believe me? I’m fierce, trust me. But don’t worry, you can run pretty fast. Watch out for me on the downhill parts, though -- my wheels are all lubed up and you’re no match.” Kit was smiling at him, his eyes bright.
Neil had to wipe the tears from his eyes when he finally stopped laughing. “You’re a nut, you know that, right?”
Kit nodded and sat back, still smiling. “But I make you happy, so that’s a good thing.”
Kit was right, the man made him happy. He hoped to hell that when Kit could walk again and saw himself as whole, that he’d still want Neil. It was going to suck if Kit didn’t.
“And you make me happy. So, tell me we’ll go swimming this week. I don’t mind if there’s other people there, this time.”
“Then yeah, we can go swimming this week.” Hell, they went most weeks, at least twice, though Neil hadn’t succumbed to another race yet, tempting as it was.
“Good.” Kit nodded once and lifted his glass in a salute. “And then, we’ll race. Or I’ll have to chase you, and I hear the nurses get pissed at people speeding through the halls.”
Neil shook his head, but he was grinning. “And I suppose you’re going to want dessert to wash that burger and fries down.”
“Ah, how well you know me. Pie. Gotta have pie.”
He got their waitress’ attention. “He’d like some pie. What flavors have you got?”
She started listing off the choices, but as soon as she hit apple one of Kit’s hands went up. “That. Right there -- apple pie, please. Nothing better. Neil?”
“Do you still do that berry cobbler?” At her nod, he grinned. “All right. I want one of those.”
She went off to put in their orders, and Kit leaned in once more. “Berries are good. Whipped cream is better. Do they use real whip, here? I usually like my pie plain, but real whipped cream can be tempting.”
“I’m having my cobbler plain.” He actually wasn’t fond of real or fake whipped cream.
“Plain it is, then.” Kit shook his head. “No sweet tooth at all, huh? And not grease or salt.”
“It’s called eating healthy. Keeps the body fit.”
Kit gave him a long look. “And you never have the urge to indulge in the things that aren’t good for you? Ever?”
“Of course I do. But I try not to give in to urges for things that aren’t good for me.”
“Ah, progress! Tell me, Mr. Kirkpatrick, what is this secret vice that gives you urges?”
“What? I like sweets and French fries as well as the next guy. The trick is not to indulge very often.”
“When was the last time you did? I have even money on your last real indulgence being more than six months ago.” Kit looked so smug, so sure.
“You’d be dead wrong.” Neil could do smug, too. Of course it might not be the best idea to let Kit know he was an indulgence.
“More than four months, then,” Kit said with a laugh. “One of these days, I’m going to watch you go into raptures over something wonderful. And I’ll take a picture.”
“One of these days.”
Their dessert arrived, and Neil asked for a tea to go along with his. Kit shook his head and started in on his pie, his initial bite bringing a sound of pure pleasure.
Neil did enjoy his cobbler and the tea that came a few minutes later. But he wasn’t going to moan and groan over it.
“It’s not good?” Kit asked, his plate nearly clean.
“It’s delicious -- I ate the whole thing.”
Kit peered at him. “You’re very reserved. Just as an observation. Have you always been?”
“Just because I don’t rapturize over food, doesn’t mean I’m reserved. You did hear me whoop up on the wall, didn’t you?”
“I thought I was hearing things.” Kit grinned. “Food is worth a whoop or two, you know.”
“In my experience, there’s been some really great food, but nothing really whoop-worthy.”
“Oh, man.” Kit honestly looked shocked. “Soon, you and I are going out for dinner. I know just the place. You will whoop, because the food earns it. Trust me. I’ll get you whoop-worthy food.”
Neil laughed. “If you still want to see me after our professional relationship is over, I’m in your hands.” He made a “check, please” hand gesture at their waitress.
Kit tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean if you still want to go out with me, you can take me anywhere you want.”
He pulled his wallet out of his pocket.
Kit had gone still. “What’s all this ‘if’ stuff, is what I mean. I’m confused.”
Neil sighed. The waitress was there before he could explain, and he held a finger up to Kit in the universal just-a-minute way and handed over his card. It was swiped and the machine handed back to him to key in his pin number. Kit sat through it, not looking away and no longer smiling at him. At least he didn’t look mad. Kit mad was very tiring to deal with.
“Okay, so here’s the thing. At the moment, I’m really necessary to your recovery.”
“Yeah, I know. And because of that you won’t date me for real. We have to wait.”
“Right. And one of the reasons why we have to wait is because you might not feel the same way about me after I’m not longer integral to your recovery.”
“What kind of crap is that?” One of Kit’s eyebrows went up. “That’s bullshit.”
“No, it’s not. I’ve seen it happen more than once.” He’d seen people burned by it, too.
“You think I’d do that.”
“Not on purpose!” Damn it, he hadn’t wanted to upset Kit with this.
“You think I’m not self-aware enough to know what I want, then?”
“That’s not what this is about, Kit.” Neil rubbed his hands over his face. Shit, they’d been having such a good day.
“Nope. It’s not.” Kit wheeled back from the table. “It’s about you being insecure and putting it on me, as far as I can tell. I know my mind.”
“No. I don’t want to get hurt, I’ll admit that. But I’ve seen more than one person fall for their therapist, for their doctor or nurse, and in the end it turns out it’s not something you can build a relationship on once the person is better. Wouldn’t you rather we proceed cautiously now than find out a year down the line that you’re with the wrong person?”
Kit stared at Neil and slowly shook his head. “Wow. How about you try living your life as it comes, rather taking every single precaution you can? You won’t eat unhealthy food, you won’t ride motorbikes, you do everything you can to make your life as calm and safe as possible. It must be very quiet in your world. I’m all alone, but I’m not going to stop living.”
“Hey, I don’t judge how you live your life, how about you don’t judge me? I like quiet and calm. I like being Zen and knowing I’m not going to be up half the night with gas. I don’t have to nearly kill myself to feel alive.”
“How about you trust me to say what I mean, then, and don’t assume I’m going to hare off after my therapy is done? How about a little bit of credit for not being an utter asshole?”
“I never accused you of being an asshole! I have experience with this kind of thing, though, and you don’t. So give me a little credit for that.” Neil shook his head. “Come on. I’m going to take you home.” This was just the kind of thing that made him all the more determined not to get involved with a patient.
“I’ll call my father. Thanks for dinner.” Kit looked out the window, looking exactly as he had the very first day they’d met. Closed off and angry at the world.
Damn it. Neil had just managed to compromise Kit’s recovery, which was exactly what he’d tried not to do. He should never have let things get as far as they had. Strictly professional -- he knew that. He knew it. He shouldn’t have done the climbing and definitely not dinner afterward; this had been a mistake on his part. “I won’t leave you here alone, so I might as well just drive you.”
“No. I’ll phone my father. See you at therapy.” Kit didn’t even look at him.
“If that’s really what you want to do. I’m not going until he’s come to get you, though.”
Kit took out his cell phone and pressed a few buttons. “Hey, it’s me. Can you come get me?” Kit picked up the nearest table card and read off the address. “Yeah, okay. Thanks.” He ended the call and put his phone away. “He’ll be at least fifteen minutes. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m not helpless.”
“I’m not going anywhere until he comes to get you, so we can either talk about this or have the most uncomfortable fifteen minutes of our lives.” He had a hunch Kit was going to take box number two.
“I think we’ve said our parts.”
Neil sighed and sat back in his chair. “If that’s how you want to leave it.”
“I just want to get better so I can prove you wrong and hear you say it for years. ‘Yes, Kit. I was an idiot.’ It’ll be music to my ears.”
“I’d like that, Kit. I really would.” More than anything he’d like that.
“You have a completely fucked up way of showing it.”
Neil shook his head. “Nothing’s changed. I still won’t enter a personal relationship with you until our professional relationship has ended. I’m more sure about that than ever.”
“I get it. So I’m braking harder than you, because this whole climbing and dinner stuff is too hard on my head. Half the time you’re being so careful about not being warm that you’re like a block of ice and I’m not even sure you like me as a human. So I’ll see you at therapy. But other than that, I’m losing your number.”
Neil nodded. “Yes, I think that’s for the best. I’m sorry I let things drift as far off course as I did. That wasn’t fair to you.”
Kit shook his head. “You better be worth all this work, man. This is insane. Now, I’m going outside to wait for my father. You don’t need to. That’ll be weird. Weirder than this.”
Neil nodded tightly. He could see Kit through the window, and he’d know when the man’s father showed up. “I’ll see you at your next appointment,” he said quietly.
Kit nodded and wheeled away without looking back, the set of his shoulders tight. Even in profile, Neil could see how hard he had his jaw clamped.
God, this whole mess was all his fault. He never should have gotten involved outside of their therapy sessions. He’d be kicking himself a long time for this one.
Chapter Eight
Kit spent two days pissed off and cranky. He watched movies at home and made his father take him to the gym so he could use the free weights, and then he settled in to glare at the walls until it was time for therapy.
He had to respect Neil’s lines because they were important to Neil, but mostly Kit thought it was a huge pile of bullshit. He was positive there were people all over the hospital breaking Neil’s code of conduct, and no one was getting damaged by it, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Neil believed in the crappy rules, so Kit had to live by them, too.
But it felt an awful lot like Neil cared far more about Kit’s recovery than he cared about Kit himself. And that whole idea that Kit wouldn’t want to see Neil after he was better was just insulting. If Kit decided he didn’t want to see Neil, it was going to be over junk like this not because he was able to walk.
He got to therapy and nodded to the nurses at the station and then went right to the therapy room to wait for Neil. Better just get the work over and done with as soon as possible.
Neil came in a few minutes later, looking more sad than calm, if you asked Kit. “Hi, Kit. How are you feeling today?”
“Fine. You?”
“Fine. Shall we get started?”
“That’s why I’m here.” Kit sighed and took off his hoodie. “What’s first?”
“Let’s start with your stretches, and then we can move to the bars and work on your walking. See where you are in relation to the last time I saw you. Try out the cane if you brought it.”
It was awkward and uncomfortable -- a lot like the first time they’d met here.
Kit nodded and did what Neil asked, moving through the stretches and working out his range of motion, answering all the questions Neil had and volunteering what information he knew Neil would want. By the time he moved to the bars he wasn’t as angry, but he was more weary than he could remember being in weeks. He hadn’t even done anything and he was tired. It was probably a good thing he’d forgotten to bring the cane.
It s
tayed formal and polite all the way through the rest of the session, though by the end he was sweating hard.
“I added you to the list for the pool tomorrow at three. Does that suit?”
“Sure.” Kit nodded and wiped at his face with his towel. “That’ll be fine. And I’m here the morning after?”
“Yep. The usual. You’re coming along well.”
“Okay.” Kit nodded and drank from his water bottle. He wanted out of there and away from their non-conversation so badly he could feel acid in his stomach. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Sounds good.”
Kit put his bottle away and got his hoodie from where he’d left it. “Bye.” He couldn’t quite bring himself to look Neil full in the face. He hoped he wouldn’t have to wait downstairs too long for his ride.
He heard Neil sigh, heard the soft, “Goodbye, Kit.”
Kit sighed, too, and wheeled himself down to wait for the elevator. This whole thing was stupid. Dumb. Ridiculous. But aside from suddenly being able to walk, he couldn’t see a way around it.
“Kit.” Neil came toward him before the elevator showed up. “Kit, I... I’m sorry.”
“I’m not sure you have anything to be sorry for,” Kit said quietly. “I think it’s just a big difference in the way we see things.”
“I should never have let things get to the place they did, then all this awkwardness wouldn’t be happening.”
Kit glanced up at Neil and then away. “Why do you make it sound like it’s up to you to control this thing? Do you see yourself in charge?”
“I’m the professional here, Kit. You came to me for help; that automatically puts me in a position of power and it’s unfair of me to take advantage of you in any way.”
“I’m not a child. I have choices here, too.”
“I never said you were a child, Kit. Trust me, I don’t think of you that way. Not at all. But you are vulnerable. You might not even see it. And that’s fine. I do, and I have to do what I know is right.”
Kit sighed. He wasn’t ever going to be able to get Neil to step down from what must be a very lofty height, so he might as well stop trying. “It’s going to be awkward no matter what, Neil. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Learning to Walk, a City Hospital Novel Page 10
