by F P Adriani
“Well, so then if he just said goodbye, why the fuck do you look weird?”
“Tan, I’m going to be honest: he kissed me.”
“What—what?!?” His eyes frantically bounced around like angry ping-pong balls, as if he wanted to punch every wall in the room.
“Calm down,” I said.
“Calm down—what the fuck’s happened—”
“Nothing—nothing!”
“You don’t want to be with me anymore—is that it—”
My eyes lifted to his, and I slid to the edge of the couch, shouting, “NO! You’re overreacting, goddammit.”
He seemed to calm down some, seemed to still. “Well, how do you expect me to feel? I come home to my girlfriend telling me she made out with her ex.”
“Again, you’re exaggerating. It was a two-second kiss. And I’m still not at my best back to normal—I’m in air that just isn’t the best for my body. I lost too much blood. My thinking isn’t at my peak. Neither is my response time right now. He kissed me. I felt bad for him. As hard as it’s been for me to get out of the system, it would be even harder for him. He’s stuck. He can’t extricate himself and he’s got no life in consequence. I can’t explain my behavior any better than that. You haven’t been as deep inside, so you can’t see what I’m saying.”
“Great. That’s just great. So you and he understand something together you and I never will.” He fell back onto the other end of the couch, pushing his hands against his forehead, his elbows against his knees.
I turned to him more. “Tan, do you think I want to hurt you? Never! But there’s something else you’re not seeing: he could find out who ordered my parents’ murders.”
His head shot up. “So you’d sleep with him for that!”
Quickly I slid toward him. “I never said that, goddammit. I’m saying I can’t break off all ties with him. And I can’t keep him as an enemy. I might need his help someday. There’s always a small chance the information is there somewhere—shit, he might have it already! A couple of times, I thought it seemed like he did…. But maybe the time for him to reveal it hasn’t been right. I’ve waited this long to find out. I can wait longer.”
“And how do you know he won’t use that to keep you around because he’s got the hots for you?”
I rolled my eyes till they landed on his angry face. “‘Keep me around’? We’re layers and layers away. He’s got a life here; I’ve got a life there. Do the math.”
“Okay, then back up a minute: you said his extricating himself would be hard. Well, he’d never help you find your parents’ killers if he was still tied to there, and it looks like he will be for forever.”
“There are ways to get people information without going through the system.”
“Did he SAY he’d do this, or you’re just using this as an excuse for your fickle lips?”
A laugh burst from my “fickle lips,” but I wasn’t feeling at all humorous. “Okay, so, tell me something: all that time we spent around Arlene, those days together, you never once felt anything, like you never once undressed her with your eyes or anything, for old time’s sake?”
He didn’t respond, at least not with words. But his head did turn away, far away. I suspected he was hiding his anti-poker face. “See what I mean?” I said. “And you still need to deal with your jealousy.”
Now he looked at me. “Like you’ve never been jealous of me and Arlene?”
“I have. You’re right. But I don’t consider myself at my best then. Jealousy is mostly stupid. The thing in this case is: James had a minute of a kiss from me, but you’ll have my kisses for the rest of your life.”
He didn’t seem to know what to say to that; his lips moved but no sound came out…except for one of his sighs finally. He ran a hand through his hair. “I wish we could go home already.”
“We can, whenever you want. I think I’m fine to fly today even. But I thought we’d wait another day—that way, we’ll get out of the main flume in time to see The Diamond Sphere in full brightness together. You said you’ve always wanted to see it. Now you can see it with me—I mean if you still want to.”
He was sighing again as he slid closer to me, finally pulling me into his arms. “Goddammit, you’re still such a bad girl.”
“And you just love it,” I said, hearing him laugh into my hair.
My right hand slid up and around to rub the familiar warm nape of his neck beneath his soft, thick hair. “Where’d you go today? You never said.”
A small sigh from him. “I had Chiso take me down to the port. I played with a bunch of the dogs. It’s easier to leave that way, not getting too close to one. I decided to spread the love around.”
“I bet they adore you. Just like I do,” I said.
And his arms pressed around me tighter.
*
The next night we finally said goodbye to the dogs in the port.
I watched Tan as he bent over and gave Lanie one last hug and pet; he tried to hide his face from me and probably from everyone else there. But when he stood again and just wouldn’t raise his face, I knew what the problem was.
He finally let Lanie go fast, and we walked away. I threw an arm around him then, squeezing him tight as we continued down the long hallway toward where the ship waited.
*
Though this ship was a more expensive trip and was both newer looking and nicer looking than the first ship we’d taken from Diamond, this second trip didn’t seem any better.
I felt lonely this time compared to the last time; Tan seemed very lost in his own thoughts, which he didn’t seem inclined to share, and I soon found myself missing Eleanor’s company.
Unfortunately, no one like Eleanor talked to me this time; the people on this ship just didn’t seem as friendly.
Fortunately though, this flight itinerary was more of an express ride, with no side trips, and that meant Tan and I would get home faster.
We also wound up reaching The Sphere faster than I’d planned. But when we did, we were nevertheless ready for it.
We stood before the big view-screen wall in one of the ship’s lounges. The wall was wide; the image seemed even wider. The ship had just exited the main space flume to The Diamond Layer, and an infinite-looking black lay spread out before us. My eyes latched onto the touch of fog-like banana-yellow at the center, but almost instantly, the yellow expanded like a big balloon about to encompass everything around it, including us.
At the center of the ballooning yellow sat the growing speck of Diamond; it was shining a brilliant silver-white, as if it were the most perfect star in the galaxy, and the four bodies seemingly orbiting it couldn’t help being attracted to its perfection.
The image, the ship’s approach to it, its seeming approach toward you—it was like something you’d seen in a nighttime dream that you never thought would be a reality, but then suddenly there it is right in front of you, your dream vision made substantial….
“Wow—I had no idea it was this incredible!” Tan said, his mouth remaining slightly open afterward.
“There’s no substitute for experiencing things with your own senses.” I slid my hand over his wrist, my fingers inside his, and they finally closed around mine.
And then we stood there staring in silence till the yellow glow began fading and the normal configuration of this part of space began to take precedence.
“Since yesterday I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s really been bothering me lately,” Tan said now, his eyes still on the view. But his voice lowered when he spoke again, and he turned his head to me. “I don’t want to upset you, but I need to say it: it’s the men—the men in your past. I mean,” his voice really lowered now, “you fucked a child killer and that fake James, and now you’re fucking me.”
My hand slipped from his, and at first I didn’t know what to say; he’d kind of said everything, at least everything he knew. And I wasn’t about to enlighten him on anything he didn’t know. Plus, I felt afraid that no matter what I could
say, it would be an error; it just wouldn’t make a difference to his opinion of me, of my past, of us.
But, if nothing else, I was always willing to take risks for the things I thought were right, for the things I wanted. And I wanted Tan. I wanted him more than I wanted anything or anyone.
I finally said to him now, “Tan, that I’m with you says a lot. Don’t you see? You’re the lone diamond in the miles of coal my past dealings with men have been.”
He lowered his head and nodded, and there was a sad smile on his face.
I grabbed his hand again, gave it a tug. “Why do you think you’re so special to me—that I care about you so much?”
“Well, I thought it was because of my big always-hard penis.”
I laughed so hard, my chest hurt. He joined me, his louder laughter echoing off the big wall before us.
A few heads in the room turned our way, but I only smiled back at them.
Then I turned to Tan again. “You know, I’ve been thinking too. I’m thinking that maybe I should just can MSA and see if I can join Nell in her jewelry business.”
Tan laughed again now, even louder.
“All right,” I said, frowning, “I know it sounds ridiculous….”
“You trade in wearing a gun for wearing pliers? You bet that sounds ridiculous!”
“Well, at least I should change what I’m doing at MSA, maybe ONLY provide guards for businesses. If I keep doing the same damn odd more-dangerous jobs, I feel like my past will keep intersecting with my future, like I’m keeping my past alive then. At the least, I’ve got a bunch of things to think about and rethink….” My voice trailed off into a sigh.
“I’ll be here when you do that thinking,” Tan said then, squeezing my left hand.
I tilted my left wrist to move it to a better angle—and as I did that, I caught sight of the flesh-colored bandage there still.
That wrist was half-healed, was only a little sore compared to my other wrist, which was quite sore.
But, occasionally, I felt a sharp, pointed pain in both my wrists, as if they were reminding me of what I’d been through, making sure I wouldn’t totally block those events as I’d totally blocked so many in my past.
I thought how unfortunate it was that you couldn’t have everything in life: my moon-suit’s pants and boots had saved my ankles from damage, but my suit had been unable to save my wrists.
However, though I had been beaten and broken, I had also survived. And in the end, wasn’t survival everything?
My eyes had been on my wrists, but now I turned away from them, raising my face to the vast image of space on the wall. There were dots of bright color among the deep black, and those bright spots pulled me forward, pulled me away from my past and toward the future.
And I knew then that just like my wrists would be all right someday soon, so would I be all right.
About F. P. Adriani
I have an academic background in engineering and science, and a degree in space science in part. For years I worked as a scientific copy editor for a nonfiction publishing house. I’ve been writing for over 26 years, and in that time I’ve written 19 novels and many shorter works.
Other works in my Diamond Universe: Backflow, Hellscape, Endland, Destinations And Captain’s Choice, and Lead Me To Paradiso.
