My jaw tightened as I turned to look straight ahead. Adam’s eyes burned into me, and my cheeks flushed as my stomach tightened.
“Yeah,” I replied, looking down at my chipped fingernails. They hadn’t been painted since Christmas when Tara decided to give me a manicure.
Adam’s hand went over mine, stopping me from picking at the red paint. “Do you want to see her today? Her parents said they moved her to a different area of the hospital.”
I shook my head before finding the words. “I think today’s going to be a bit much as it is.”
“You haven’t seen her since the accident.”
I bit my cheek as I thought about the many reasons why I never wanted to walk into that hospital again. “I don’t think I can.”
Adam’s fingers, calloused from years of playing guitar, slid under my chin and turned me to face him. His eyes were soft as he replied, “I don’t really want to go in there either, but I think we need to.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn’t do it. “Not today.”
“Okay,” he replied as he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, wishing we could stay wrapped in each other’s arms instead of leaving the safety of the parked car. Adam pulled away, his thumb brushing my cheek as his eyes raced back and forth over mine. As we got out of the car the cold air knocked into my lungs, and a shiver ran through me as I looked up at the church. Adam walked around the car, and his breathing was a pale white plume in the air as he popped his peacoat collar and held his hand out for me.
“Ready?” he asked, glancing over at me as I placed my hand in his, shaking my head. He gave me one of those sad smiles I was now becoming accustomed to. It was a smile that didn’t reach his eyes; more of a flinch than anything. I missed the cocky one. “Me neither,” he said. “This isn’t the way I thought I’d say goodbye to him.”
“Did you ever think we’d say goodbye?” I asked as our feet crunched against the frost on the gravel. People nodded in our direction as we passed them, but we didn’t stop to talk to anyone until we reached the door where the priest took Adam’s hand in both of his.
“Your parents are in the back,” he said, dipping his head. “I’m sure your father already let you know we’ll be meeting back in that corner shortly. You’ll be carrying the casket with him, your uncle and Bobby’s godfather. Once the service is done, you’ll come back up and carry the casket out to the hearse.”
I felt Adam’s free hand trembling in mine as he nodded at the priest. No words left his lips. What could he say?
“Do you want to see your parents?” the priest asked, and the trembling abruptly stopped.
“Sure,” he replied, and his voice cracked at the end as he glanced over at me. His Adam’s apple rose and fell before we turned and walked towards the room his parents were in. It was tucked in the back of the church, hidden away from prying eyes, but we could still hear Vickie’s sobs far before we reached the door.
I put my hand on Adam’s forearm, cocking my head as I looked at him. “I’m proud of you. I know it’s hard for you to face them.”
Adam breathed out through his nose, and I leaned up to kiss his cheek. I could feel the corner of his lips move up in a small smile against my mouth, and I felt my heart beat quicken. Maybe we could be okay after all of this. We both stared at the wood door for a moment before Adam stepped forward and lifted his hand to knock. He stopped short when his mother’s sobs formed audible words.
“I just don’t understand,” Vicky said through hiccups. “Why was it, Bobby? I don’t understand why—my baby…now all we have is Adam.”
Adam’s face didn’t change as his hand hovered mid-knock over the door. His eyes were hard and cold; the only display of emotion was the tightening of his throat. The words were nothing compared to the tone of her voice—the tone that said she wished it was Adam and not Bobby they were putting in the ground. Uncomfortable tingles rushed up my spine to my neck and face before rushing down my arms and numbing my body. This was another family feud, but it wasn’t one I’d be able to fix. The words were unforgivable. I squeezed my eyes shut.
As if we weren’t all broken enough.
Adam’s fist squeezed tighter before he dropped it and slipped his hand back into mine. He turned, walking just ahead of me, so I couldn’t see the look on his face as he led me through the hall that went to the pews. I stopped in my tracks as we reached the entrance, and he turned to face me. His head hung as he looked at the floor. I took his face in my hands, and his eyes squeezed shut, wrinkles spreading from the corner of them and through his forehead.
“Adam?” I said, pressing my forehead to his. I wanted to say she didn’t mean it, but I couldn’t force the lie to my lips.
He put his hands on my wrists, his whole body trembling. “I’ll crumble after, but I’ll need you to put me back together,” Adam said, and his voice cracked as tears formed at the corners of his shut eyes.
“Always.”
Adam’s eyes opened, staring at mine, and he rubbed the tears away before pressing his lips hard against my forehead. “I have to carry the casket.”
I let my fingers run through his as he walked away, and the feeling of his touch warmed the icy parts of my soul. I wrapped my black shawl tighter around my shoulders, fighting a cold that was nonexistent—a cold caused by the absence of part of who I was. My heels clicked against the granite floor as I passed the endless rows of mourners, and the room echoed with my movements and the soft moans of those shedding tears. My heart flowed silently down my cheeks as I finally reached the row with my parents. Dad stood and pulled me into a hug. His arms clutched tightly around me as if I might disappear.
“It’ll be alright, Ducks,” he said into my ear, but I could tell from the crack in his voice he didn’t believe it either.
He hadn’t even heard what Vickie said.
“The Beckerson’s are destroyed,” I said, knowing he wouldn’t understand the depth of the statement. I knew they’d never be the same again. Adam’s parents would be lucky if he ever spoke to them again. They were losing two sons, not just one.
Dad held me out at arm’s length, and I realized the pressure the situation put on him as well. His eyes had dark circles beneath them, and red lines coursed through the white, just like Adam and I’s.
“You’ll hold them together,” he answered with a stern nod of certainty.
My breath caught in my throat, and my chest tightened as I shook my head. “I can barely hold myself together.”
“You’re stronger than us all,” Dad said, and his voice was solid as if he believed it.
I didn’t. How could I put this back together? It was shattered.
“Adam’s parents…” My voice drifted as I tried to think of the words. “He just lost his brother—his best friend, the only person in his family that he ever felt loved him…and they just proved,” my eyes fluttered against the fresh set of tears; “they just proved they don’t love him.”
“Riv, you know that’s not true.” Dad’s brows furrowed over his eyes. “What could they say to make you think that?”
I looked at the ornate ceiling before forming the words. “It was more the way it was said than the words.”
My eyes drifted back down to Dad’s, and he bit the inside of his cheek. “Did Adam?”
“Yes, he heard.”
Dad’s eyes locked on mine. “You have to be strong for him, Riv.”
The air broke from a hollow cry, and my stomach dropped. I fought the emotions tumbling around in my mind; pain, hurt, and most of all rage. The sound grew closer, and Dad moved me in between him and Mom. Alec placed Vickie next to Dad, and I watched as Dad patted Alec on the back. Dad’s anger showed in his eyes as Alec whispered to him, but he responded with a curt nod, pulling Vickie into his arms. Alec took a deep breath before leaving his wife behind and walking back down the row. Dad sat down with Vickie crying on his shoulder, but his hand found my knee. Mom’s arm wrapped around me, and she kissed my cheek. I didn’
t pull away or react. She didn’t bother whispering everything would be okay. We were all faced with the fact it wouldn’t be. Bobby was dead, and to Adam, so were his parents.
The organ’s voice boomed across the ceilings and off the granite floors, signaling us to stand. I swallowed before Mom’s hands found my elbow and lifted me. At that moment, I was thankful for her because I wasn’t sure I had the strength to support myself. Everyone turned towards the door where the casket was being led in, and Mom guided me to do the same. Adam and Alec were on either side of the dark black lacquered box, followed by two men I didn’t know.
Adam’s eyes stared emotionless and straight ahead, but I could see the wet lines cascading down his cheeks. His movements were almost robotic as the procession moved forward while Alec was barely holding it together. His shoulders racked with a sob, and his face contorted as he tried to contain his pain and carry the weight of his son. The sea of people echoed the movements of the casket until we were facing the front of the building where the priest stood in his stark white robes. The men laid the casket in front of him and moved back into the crowd. When Adam reached me I pulled him into my arms, and he whispered in my ear, “A part of me is dead.”
His head tucked in my shoulder as my hands wrapped under his arms and my fingers dug into the jacket at his shoulder blades. Mom’s soft touch on my back let me know we needed to sit, and I loosened my grip on Adam until we were staring at one another again. He nodded and we sat, his fingers entwining with mine. His parents moved to the other side of him, but his eyes remained on the black box in front of us. I watched as Alec’s hand reached for Adam’s knee and squeezed. Adam’s eyelashes fluttered at the touch. He didn’t move otherwise, and Alec’s lower lips pursed as he tried to decipher the reasoning for Adam’s reaction. He slowly removed his hand and let a breath out.
He’d find out soon enough.
The priest’s words echoed through the church, but I couldn’t decipher their meaning as I stared at the black casket. I went through the movements, following the people around me without actually understanding what was going on. I stood, knelt, sat and tipped my head in prayer, but my eyes never moved off of that black mass.
Bobby was gone.
When the service ended, and Adam moved to go back up to the casket I couldn’t pry myself away from him. Adam didn’t try. His eyes met mine, and he realized just as I did, that I was not leaving his side. Adam moved my hand to his arm, and we walked up together where he stood on his side until the casket lifted and we moved forward. My heart beat slowed as we made our way to the door, but with each step, it felt as though the door was further away instead of closer.
“You okay?” Adam asked, and his voice brought me back to. Sparks dotted my vision as I inhaled, and my nails dug into his jacket. I stumbled, and Adam’s body tensed against mine. “River?”
“I’m all right,” I replied, and the door was suddenly opening in front of us. The cold air woke my system as we made our way to the hearse, and I knew I was shaking uncontrollably. I stepped back as Adam helped slide the casket inside. He turned as soon as it was in and pulled me into his arms and his hands pressed my head to his shoulder.
“I love you,” he said as he pulled slowly away and wiped my face.
I shook my head, closing my eyes as more tears coursed down my cheeks. I couldn’t control them now. I tried to reply, but my voice caught in my throat. Adam’s chest rose as he looked over his shoulder at the hearse’s engine starting. We didn’t say anything as we walked passed it on the way back to Adam’s car. The silence continued to the cemetery, where Adam helped place the casket over the empty hole in the ground. I stood back, alone, listening to Vickie’s sobs from the car she refused to get out of as I watched. My mind raced through empty thoughts as I tried to keep breathing.
How they managed to dig a hole in the middle of winter.
How heavy the casket must be.
How Vickie cried so loudly.
How I felt like vomiting into the hole.
How I felt like crawling into the hole and never coming out.
Adam’s eyes met mine as he walked up next to me, and the thoughts ceased, replaced by the sound of our breathing as we stood and the crowd began to thicken around us. A man handed us each white roses, and the priest came to the front of the casket, a bible pressed against his torso that he fanned open, before holding his free hand out and looking at the gray sky above us.
Again, he spoke, but I heard nothing. My eyes locked on the casket. On Bobby.
When the priest was done, Adam’s hand on the small of my back indicated it was time to step forward. My eyes fell to the hole beneath the casket, and the temptation to crawl into it returned as the rose in my hand dropped slowly onto the surface. Its white color was a harsh contrast against the shiny black, and my stomach rolled so hard I gripped it in an attempt to keep the coffee in. We pushed to the back of the crowd, and I fought the urge until we neared a tree. I dropped Adam’s hand and rushed forward, the coffee coming out as tears streamed down my face. Adam’s hands ran over my spine as the contents of my stomach emptied. In the background, I heard someone say something about a lunch to follow, and I turned to face Adam, who shook his head.
“Thank you,” I said as he wrapped his arms around me. Adam’s body tensed, and I heard the sound of the casket being lowered, and then the metallic sound of dirt running off of shovels. My stomach clenched, but there was nothing more to come up. Adam’s hands moved over my arms until our fingers entwined and we walked back to the plot. It was just him and me, staring at the newly placed dirt as the voices behind us faded into nothing.
His body trembled, and his foot struck out as he screamed, kicking the dirt. The scream turned into a sob as he crumbled to his knees beside me. The anger from his parent’s vile words dissipated and all that was left was the agonizing pain of loss. It was all consuming; anger and pain now mingled until I felt like nothing was left.
I wanted to crumble beside Adam.
I wanted to scream and claw the ground.
To demand God give back our souls.
Adam had been strong for me during the ceremony, and now I needed to be strong for him. I fell beside him and pulled his shuddering body into my arms. Silent tears rolled down my face as I sat rocking him. My bare legs prickled with the cold, dead grass beneath us, and I wasn’t sure if the cold was creeping in and making me numb, or if it was the gravity of the situation sinking in. Adam’s body stopped trembling, and I was able to compose myself as he pulled away. His gentle hands found my face, and his eyes bore into mine.
I watched as his parched lips parted, and he spoke, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive them…do you think Bobby would blame me?”
“I don’t blame you,” I replied, squeezing my eyes shut as another wave of emotion rolled over me.
“But would he?” His voice cracked.
I opened my eyes, and his brown ones looked almost black. “Maybe…that’s why he got in that car that night, wasn’t it? Because he saw how cruel they were.”
I wished he hadn’t seen the truth of their personalities. Then we wouldn’t be here now. Adam’s eyes flashed, and I knew he felt the same.
“Adam?” I began, and his eyes drifted up to mine. “I know it’s not enough, but I love you.”
His lips twitched, and he pressed them hard against my forehead before kissing my nose. “It’s always been enough.”
He began to stand and pulled me up with him. For a moment, we stood and stared down at the turned over ground littered with white roses of those that chose to leave them on the surface instead of beneath the ground with Bobby.
“We should see Tara,” I finally said.
“Are you sure?”
“We owe it to Bobby,” I replied.
I didn’t think I was strong enough to stare at my best friend sitting in a coma, hooked up to a zillion machines, barely hanging onto life. What was worse was the ache in my chest when I thought of what I would have to te
ll her when they pulled her out of the medical coma–if they could. Adam’s hand drifted from my shoulders down to my lower back as he leaned forward and took one white rose from the pile.
“He’d want her to have one,” Adam said, but I couldn’t respond. The best I could do was a sound similar to that of someone drowning.
Adam didn’t push for more, and his hand slipped into mine as he guided me away from a part of us we would never recover.
Chapter 4
My skin prickled, and the hair on my arms rose as Adam parked the car at the hospital. It looked more like a hotel than a place where people went to die. The car continued to idle, turbos cooling as we sat in silence. I fought the urge to tell Adam to leave–to go anywhere but here and never return again. Adam’s blank expression and heaving chest indicated he must be thinking something along those lines too. I rubbed my sweaty palms against my skirt as my muscles bulged with the urge to run away. They tightened further when I heard Adam take a deep breath, and his keys jingled as the car’s motor finally ceased.
“We can do this,” Adam said as he stared at the white rose sitting on the dashboard. He reached for it, and my eyes ran from the rose up his exposed forearm to the once pressed but now wrinkled white button-up to his pale face. He licked his lips, and I watched as he swallowed. “We can do this.”
A shiver ran through my body, and I closed my eyes as I trembled. The warmth of Adam’s palm cupping my chin caused my body’s jerking to softened, and I opened my eyes.
“Okay,” I said, reminding myself we needed to do this for Tara. “Let’s do this.”
Instead of rushing in from the rain like the last time we arrived at the hospital, we slowly walked up the steps hand in hand. The day was already fading, and the air was crisp again as if it might snow. The world was still a frozen wasteland from the weather that caused the accident, but now it was dotted with ugly patches of brown and gray sand. The beauty of the storm was showing its true, harsh and disgusting colors. Adam’s gaze was locked on me as we stood in front of the door and my breath came out in a misty ball as he opened the door. When we entered the warmth, the stagnant air hit me and filled my lungs. I felt it stop there as I fought the urge to gag and run back the way we came, but Adam’s hand found the small of my back and gently pushed me forward. His hand remained on my back as he pulled his cell phone out, looked at a text and signaled with his chin to the silver doors in front of us.
Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) Page 2
