Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2)

by Cassandra Giovanni

  I shrugged, pursing my lips and he glared at me. “Ready?”

  His eyes froze, looking down at the empty garbage can in his hands as he licked his lips. “I thought so.”

  I squeezed his elbow as I opened the door. A part of me understood. Another part of me was screaming. I was already used to telling it to shut up, though.

  Chapter 12

  I wished I could sleep but I couldn’t. The first few weeks after Bobby left us sleep was the only reprieve from the darkness hanging over me. It had alluded me since I went back to work, though. My mind never seemed to shut off, and if I did fall asleep, I wasn’t able to rest. My dreams were horrible images. I squeezed my eyes shut and my mouth watered with the urge to gag. I planned on working instead of sleeping, but my whole body hurt and I couldn’t stop thinking.

  Thinking.

  Thinking.

  Adam’s not going to get better. Work is going to make this worse.

  I rubbed my eyes again as I tilted my head back and let my inhales come one at a time. I felt the eyes on me but stayed the way I was.

  “I know you’re not sleeping, River,” Adam said, and his voice sounded raw from his slumber. I listened to his footsteps, counting them and knowing when he would arrive in front of me. “You never sleep anymore.”

  I opened my eyes and stared up at him. Behind his frame, I could see the clock on the wall. Three AM.

  He was right. I didn’t sleep anymore.

  I was a virtual zombie.

  And he was a drunk.

  I wondered what Bobby would think of the monsters we became in the days following his death.

  Forty-five days.

  Ten hours.

  Five minutes.

  Thirty seconds.

  “So,” I said, my throat parched.

  Adam shook his head before going into the kitchen. I didn’t move as I listened to the sound of the fridge opening, and a bottle unscrewing. My lip trembled as I fought the tears. I counted his steps, expecting them to go to the bedroom and jerked forward as they stopped in front of me again. I looked at the bottle of water he held out to me, and he widened his red eyes expectantly.

  “Come on, Riv. I can tell you’re dehydrated. Your lips are cracked.”

  “No,” I began, but as I did, I felt the skin tear and blood trickle down the middle of my lip. Adam sat down next to me, handing me the bottle before letting his hand settle on my thigh. I took a sip, licking my lips with the dampness from my mouth. “Thank you.”

  He nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose as he opened his mouth, but no words came out. After a moment, he spoke, “Listen, about yesterday.”

  “It’s fine, Adam. I know this is hard on you. I know how hard it was for me to go back to work. I imagine it was worse for you,” I said, looking over at him.

  He shook his head, leaning on his arms as he looked over at me. His chest rose as he continued. “We need to talk about it, River– or at least I do.” I nodded, and he continued. “I’m not going to make an excuse for my actions, River…” his voice faded, and he sunk back into the couch. “I’m sorry if you feel like you’re fighting this alone.”

  I took another sip of the water, holding the liquid in my mouth before swallowing. I looked ahead before draining the bottle and staring at the empty plastic in my hands. I hadn’t said it. I hadn’t even allowed myself to feel it, but suddenly that emotion crashed into me, and I found myself squeezing my eyes shut.

  “Do you hate me?” Adam asked for what seemed like the millionth time since Bobby’s departure.

  I turned to face him, shaking my head. “No, of course not. I’m just…scared of what we’re becoming–of the road, you’re traveling down. What if you can’t shake this? What if that bottle is the only way out? I don’t know if I can handle that.”

  Adam leaned forward putting his hands on either side of my face, and I let my hands settle on his wrists. “I’m trying, River. How long before you give up hope?”

  That wasn’t the response I wanted. I wanted him to tell me it was a momentary lapse of judgement, and it wouldn’t happen again. I locked my eyes on him; placing my hands on his cheeks as my thumbs caressed the dark circles under his eyes, and I said the words he needed to hear, “Never, Adam. You’re the only thing keeping me together.”

  But now I felt like every part of me was falling apart.

  If he couldn’t keep it together, how would I?

  How would we?

  Chapter 13

  I rubbed my eyes, yawning as I stared at the computer screen. The edges of my vision dimmed, and I blinked hard. Even with the open window behind me the florescent lights were making my eyes go buggy. I heaved a sigh before digging in my drawer and pulling out a snack bar. As I took a bite, I felt eyes on my back, and I turned slowly to find Jesse leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed.

  He stretched his left arm out, his sleeve pulling up to reveal a shiny, over-sized watched. Even from the distance between us I could see the Z on the side bolt. “Two thirty and that’s what you’re eating?”

  I rolled my eyes as I chewed slowly before swallowing and giving him a broad smile. “Yum.”

  Jesse blinked at me several times before standing straight and nodding over his shoulder. “Let’s go.”

  “Where?” I asked as my vision finally brightened back up.

  “Lunch. It’s a good thing we have similar work styles, except my wife tends to yell at me when I don’t eat right–so I’m saving you while you’re saving me. Let’s go,” he said, and as I opened my mouth, he shook his head. “No, no way out. You’ve been producing a lot lately, and I know that it doesn’t mean you’ve become more efficient– no offense. It means you’re working too much.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him but gave in when his shoulders slouched in disappointment that I wasn’t following instruction. I breathed in before I hit control alt delete and grabbed my purse from below my desk.

  “Where to?” I asked.

  He shrugged, looking over at me with his hands in his trouser pockets. “What do you like?”

  “Honestly?”

  He nodded.

  “Burgers and fries–curly fries.”

  Jesse laughed to himself as he pushed the door open for me. “I should’ve figured.”

  “What will your wife say about you eating right?” I asked as we walked to his BMW.

  He shrugged as he unlocked the door. “At least I’m eating.”

  My eyes dropped to my hand on the door as I wondered if Adam ate the sandwich I made him every day, or if he left and…I shook the thought from my head. He wasn’t drinking at work. He wouldn’t do that again.

  “You okay?” Jesse asked as I slid into the passenger seat and buckled in.

  “Huh?” I asked, looking up at him.

  “You look like I said something wrong,” Jesse replied, cocking his head at me as his blue eyes darted back and forth over my face.

  “Just worrying about Adam,” I said, sinking into the cold leather seat and pulling my purse closer to myself as I shivered.

  Jesse nodded and then flipped some switches on the dash. “Leather is good, except in the winter it’s freezing–but that’s what they made butt warmers for. As for the summer, you just burn your flesh off–instant suntan.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, and I gave in smiling. “Thanks for tearing me away.”

  “There’s a burnout factor, and I want to make sure it doesn’t happen. I’ve got big plans for you,” he said, winking at me as he put the car in gear.

  “Do you now?” I asked, glancing over at him as he grabbed a pair of aviators tucked beneath his sun shield and put them on his face.

  James Bond. I pulled my lips into my mouth as I stifled the giggle. Adam was right about that, but Jesse felt like a father figure to me. He was someone I looked up to, and while I knew he was soft on the eyes, I wasn’t attracted to him.

  “I sure do, but it’s in the works, so as a good professional, I shouldn’t have said anything
,” he replied.

  I rolled my eyes. “Piquing my interest. You know I’m gunning for an officer title.”

  Jesse’s hands tightened on the steering wheel as he turned into traffic. “Actually, you’ve never said anything about that.”

  I pulled my lower lip in. “I know how hard it is to get one– but you can’t blame me for dreaming, right?”

  “I don’t think it’s a dream. I believe that’s a goal, and I’m glad I know about it now. After all, I do have some say in that,” he said. “I am CEO after all.”

  “Yeah, I haven’t forgotten. You see there’s this huge plaque on your door, but it does say Chief Executive Officer,” I paused, pulling my shoulders up as I pursed my lips. “Good thing I went to business school–otherwise I’d have no idea what you actually do. Oh, wait…”

  “Ha ha,” he shot back. “I keep people like you in line.”

  “Is that what you’re doing by making sure I eat?”

  “Hey, if no one else is doing it–” His words caught in his throat when he glanced over and saw my face.

  I looked down at my hands as my chest tightened and made it hard to breathe.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, River,” Jesse said as we stopped at a light. His jaw tightened. “So Adam…?”

  I bit my lip. “Is the reason I’m so efficient lately. I don’t know,” I replied, putting my fingers against my forehead. “I’m either working or worrying about him…or Tara.”

  “Sleeping?”

  I laughed at the thought. “What’s that?”

  I watched Jesse out of the corner of his eye as he pulled into a local pub known for fantastic food. He pushed his lower lip out with his tongue as if he was trying to figure out what to say. “Burnout factor, Riv. You still need to find time for you.”

  I don’t even know who I am anymore.

  “And eat, right?” I replied.

  Jesse smiled over at me before turning the car off. “Speaking of which, I’m hoping you like this place.”

  “I haven’t been, but I’m excited to try.”

  “Perfect,” he said as we walked to the entrance.

  “So what big plans do you have for me?” I asked as he signaled for two and the host grabbed menus before leading us to a table.

  “Ah,” Jesse said as we slid into the booth across from one another. “See I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut. One thing that I’m not good at as a CEO.”

  “It’s good to keep your employees informed,” I replied as a waitress walked up.

  We ordered sodas before falling into a comfortable silence as we looked at the menu.

  “How do you feel about splitting some mozzarella sticks?” Jesse asked, keeping his eyes on the menu. My stomach growled the response, and I felt my face flush. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  “Are you ready?” the waitress asked as she smiled at us.

  We placed our orders, and the comfortable silence became uncomfortable. I tapped my fingers against the leather of the booth before speaking, “So do you worry about what your wife eats?”

  Jesse rubbed his chin. “Not really– she’s a health freak, so I know she takes care of herself. If she were like you or I, on the other hand, I probably would have to text her every day at the same time to make sure she ate–and if she didn’t respond, text her again a few hours later. AKA what happened to me today.”

  Adam didn’t text me at work anymore. I swallowed, playing with the straw of my drink. He never really did before, though, so I knew the sinking feeling in my stomach to be misplaced. I just couldn’t shake it.

  “Have you seen Tara lately?” I blurted out. I wasn’t sure if that was out of line. I pressed my eyes shut. I was trying to think of anything else, and I landed on Tara of all things.

  Jesse breathed in through his nose. “I haven’t. You?”

  “No,” I said, looking down at the mozzarella sticks that just arrived. “I guess I’m not that great of a friend. I was going every day before she woke up, but now it’s harder. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but she keeps forgetting what happened and why she’s at the recovery center. It’s hard to see her like that…and then to have to replay telling her Bobby’s gone over and over…”

  “Has Adam gone with you?” Jesse asked, not touching the food. I let my eyes rise to his and I shook my head. He didn’t speak for a moment, and the silence waded around us as we stared at one another. “Why don’t we go together?”

  I felt the tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I nodded, unable to speak.

  “These look great,” Jesse said, and the conversation broke into something easier. We talked about clients, laughed about some of the ridiculous things they asked for and enjoyed one another’s company until both our plates were bare.

  “I can’t believe I ate all that,” I replied, sinking into the seat.

  “You sure you don’t want dessert?” Jesse asked, smirking at me as he signed the receipt.

  “No, but thank you for this. I needed it,” I replied as we stood and headed for the door.

  “I know,” he replied as we reached his car. He glanced over the top at me. “You ready to see Tara?”

  I let my eyes fall to the shiny red paint of the roof before looking back up. “Yeah, I think it’s about time I did.”

  “I was thinking the same thing.”

  ~~~

  I bit my lip as I stared at Tara looking out the window of her room. She looked small and frail and despite the fact her cuts and bruises were faded you could still see their outlines, reminding me of why she was here. Jesse stood beside me, shaking his head as a choking sound came from his throat. He rubbed his forehead, now deeply lined with wrinkles.

  “I don’t know how you did it,” he said, and his voice trembled.

  “Did what?” I asked.

  “Came in here right after it happened. She still looks…”

  Like death. The words faded from his lips.

  “I didn’t handle it well,” I said as my eyes drifted to where the white rose sat, now dried and brittle, exactly where Tara was staring.

  “You’re handling it well now,” Jesse replied, his eyes locking on mine.

  I inhaled, my shoulders rising as I chewed on the inside of my lip. “I guess. You’re just lucky you’re not inside my head.”

  “Why? What’s going on in there?” Jesse asked.

  My stomach tightened as I fought the tears pricking in my eyes. “I just miss my best friends. All of them…gone in one night. I can’t really talk to her about anything right now — she’s too fragile.”

  Jesse nodded. “I’m sorry you feel so alone, but I don’t want you to feel that way. We have services available–“

  I cut him off with a shake of my head. “I’ll be fine.”

  “You’re strong, River, but if you need someone to talk to–you should,” Jesse said.

  Everyone thought I was so strong, but I felt so weak. Still, I shook my head.

  “Ready to go in?” Jesse asked, placing a hand on my back.

  I nodded, and we headed into the room.

  “Hey girl,” I said, and Tara’s head moved to look at me.

  “River! You brought Jesse!” she said, putting her hands on the arm of the chair. Her face turned red, and I watched as she struggled to figure out what to do next.

  “Sure did. You can stay right there if you’re comfortable. Jesse and I will sit on the bed,” I said, and I watched as she pulled her hands into her lap. She gave me a forced smile, and I knew she was frustrated.

  “Still haven’t figured out how to walk yet,” Tara said, and her brow furrowed as she looked around the room. She rubbed her forehead, and I watched as her chest rose up. “Where am I, River?”

  I glanced over at Jesse, and his jaw was tight as he locked eyes with me. I stood back up and went to her side, putting my hands over hers. “You’re in the recovery center, remember, a few weeks ago there was a car accident.”

  Tara’s eyes fluttered against her cheek, h
er head rolling to the side as she fought the memories. When her eyes opened, they were wet. “Oh, yeah. How’s Bobby doing?”

  I glanced down at my hands over hers, and I could feel my knees shaking as I wondered if I should just walk around the subject or if I should answer her. I didn’t know how her parents did it, and I didn’t know if I could do it. I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Jesse!” she said, and my eyes snapped open. “You’re here too!”

  “Sure am,” Jesse said, and I stood to sit next to him, looking at the ceiling.

  “How are you?” she asked him, cocking her head. She was wearing light pink lipstick today and mascara. I wondered if she remembered how to put it on or if someone helped her.

  “We miss you at work. Things are a bit boring in the cube’s without you–or so I’m told. It makes me wonder what kind of trouble you brew up. I guess we’ll just have to discuss that when you get back to work, though.”

  I smiled at Tara. “It sounds like someone’s a snitch. I can’t believe this guy didn’t realize you were the cause of all the trouble. I thought you had the word trouble tattooed on your forehead.”

  Tara tipped her head back and laughed; honestly laughed. All the parts of me that went cold when she asked me about Bobby warmed back up as Jesse’s laughter, along with mine met up with hers.

  “Must be super boring without me,” Tara said, and her eyes went down to her feet. She wiggled her toes beneath her slippers. “They’ve been doing therapy with me now–trying to get me to remember things. It’s just super frustrating. I mean I remember how to do a Gantt chart for work, but I can’t figure out how the hell to walk.”

  “Must mean you remember all the crappy things,” Jesse replied, elbowing me.

  I felt my stomach sink. Not all the crappy things. My eyes drifted to the white rose as Jesse began filling Tara in on the projects she would need to help with when she came back and updating her on what he heard for office gossip–which wasn’t much.

  “Did I miss anything?” Jesse asked me, and I shook my head. He knew more office gossip than I did. I kept to myself before the accident, but now I rarely wandered away from my office. Jesse rubbed his hands on his slacks, looking down at his watch.