Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2)

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “You’ve been quiet, Riv. How’s Adam?” Tara asked, and she blinked at me expectantly as my jaw worked but no words formed.

  “Great, he just went back to work–” I replied, leaving out the and got loaded while there part.

  Tara’s brow furrowed. “Why was he out of work? Was he in the car too?”

  I fought to keep the emotions off of my face as I took a shaky breath. “No, he was just out for a bit.”

  “He took a vacation? And you didn’t take one with him? Riv, you’ve got to lighten up!” Tara said, and she fluttered her eyelashes at me.

  “You’d swear work was her ball and chain,” Jesse said as he winked at me.

  Tara’s laugh filled the room once again but this time, I found it hard to join in.

  “Well, we should probably be going,” Jesse said, and I tried to keep the relief off of my face as I stood to give Tara a hug and a kiss.

  “I promise I’ll be back soon,” I said in her ear.

  It was a promise I intended to keep.

  Chapter 14

  The days began to blur into one another, and I was never quite sure what day it was. I realized I was working my life away, but I just didn’t know any other way to deal with what was happening. I stared at the computer screen, my vision darkening at the edges, so I had to flick on the desk lamp to try to decrease the effects of the harsh lighting above me. I heaved a sigh as I looked down at my watch. Friday. It was already Friday.

  And it was…

  “Crap!” I hissed as I shut my Macbook and shoved it into my purse.

  Ten minutes was all I had to get to Webster. That was not going to happen. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse as I rushed out of the building, stopping at the door as I looked over my shoulder. The cubicles were all empty. It wasn’t like anyone else stayed at work until almost seven on a Friday. Even Jesse’s office was dark.

  I needed to get a life.

  I shook my head before turning back out the door and texting Dad.

  Running Late. About thirty minutes out.

  What a lie. If I were lucky, it would take forty-five–going seventy-five the whole way once I was out of the city. I grit my teeth as I tossed my purse into the car and cranked the engine on, turning the music up as I watched the light change to green. I concentrated on getting out of the city in one piece, and when I hit the highway, I hammered on the gas. Rush hour ended hours before, and the way out of Boston was mostly clear. I glanced down at the speedometer before sighing as I lifted my foot off the pedal.

  Ninety.

  The world sped passed me, but I felt frozen in the car as if I was no closer to getting to where I needed to go. I let the numbers dip down to seventy before hitting the cruise control button. In truth, I looked forward to my weekly meeting with Dad. What I didn’t expect was the constant lie I told him about Adam. The scenery rushed passed me until I came to the exit, turning the music down as I pulled into the commuter lot.

  Dad stood outside his car, leaning against the hood with his arms crossed. “Ducks!”

  I got out of my car, and he wrapped me in a hug.

  “I thought you weren’t going to make it,” he said, and I felt my neck flush up to my cheeks as my chest tightened.

  “You know me. I get distracted,” I replied, shrugging as we moved to his car.

  He shook his head, gray eyes darkening. “No, you’re never late.”

  I breathed in, looking at the ceiling of the car as I held my purse against my chest. “That’s because of Adam. He’s the one who’s always early,” I replied.

  I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked at it. Nothing. But Adam knew Friday was my night out with Dad. I felt my throat tighten. That was why he hadn’t texted…all day. I shook the thought from my head.

  “Speaking of which, how is Adam?” Dad asked as he put the car in gear.

  The bubbling lie surfaced so easily from my lips. “Adam’s fine, Dad.”

  I still hadn’t convinced myself of those words, but I hadn’t seen Adam drink anything in weeks. So I wasn’t positive it was a lie.

  “And you?” he continued, looking at me out the corner of his eyes. “You like tired.”

  “I’m fine, Dad.”

  Now, that– that I knew was a lie.

  “Is it safe to assume you were working?” Dad asked as he put the car in park, his hand on the shifter as he glanced over at me.

  I bit my lip, shrugging. “Hoping for that big promotion, you know?”

  Dad looked down at his watch, his eyes narrowing. “Working yourself to death won’t get you that.”

  I rubbed my neck. “I’m good, Dad. I promise.”

  “You should bring Adam next time,” he said, and his eyes raced over my face.

  I smiled, nodding as my stomach twisted in knots. I fought against the wave of nausea as I wondered what Adam was doing, and if he would be willing to come if I asked. My voice was normal as I replied, “Sure, why not?”

  Dad’s lips lifted into a smile, and I realized he believed me.

  When had I learned to cover my emotions so well?

  Chapter 15

  I parked my car next to Adam’s and turned it off. My eyes moved to the apartment building in front of me, and my hands fell into my lap. I stretched them as I realized just how hard I gripped the steering wheel as I drove. Despite the ridiculous volume of my music, my mind still wouldn’t rest between thoughts about work, Tara, and Adam. I got out of the car, and the warm Spring air hit me.

  Spring.

  It was Spring. February melted away, and life was moving forward, even though I was stuck in stop, go. I shook my head. That didn’t even make sense, but that’s what my life was. It just kept going even though I wanted it desperately to stop. Every week followed the same pattern. On weekdays, Adam and I barely spoke because I got home well after dinner and he ate without me. Sometimes we watched television together, but most of them time he fell asleep, and I opened my laptop to keep working. Friday’s I went out with Dad and Adam did God knew what. Saturday somehow changed to boy’s day, and I figured it had something to do with the fact Adam didn’t want to be around me for an entire day. I swallowed at the thought, the stairs looming above me as I stared at them. Sunday’s I went to visit Tara before grocery shopping, and maybe a part of me crammed both things together because I feared spending a whole day with Adam. It seemed the crevasse between us was turning into a gapping canyon. So much had changed in just three months.

  I realized I was still staring up the stairs and standing like an idiot in the lobby. I inhaled and then began the ascent, taking each step slowly. My feet tripped over the top step as my eyes drifted to Bobby’s apartment. I rubbed my hand over my face as I moved to my door, opening it and tossing my keys onto the table beneath the mirror. My makeup was gone, and the dark circles under my eyes were apparent, only enhanced by the mascara left on my lashes.

  “Adam?” I asked, looking around the dimly lit apartment. The lamp beside the couch was on, but Adam was nowhere to be seen. I poked my head inside the bedroom and saw Adam sitting in the chair on the balcony. His chin was tucked into his chest, and an empty bottle lay at his feet. I walked up to him, swallowing as I picked up the SoCo and fought the urge to chuck it. As Adam breathed out, his alcohol filled breath washed over me and nausea built inside of me. I thought he was doing this, but now I had proof. I looked around the room and saw his wallet on the dresser. I began to tiptoe towards it, and then gave up, knowing he was out cold, so any noise I made wouldn’t wake him. I picked up the beat leather bi-fold and held my breath as my pulse rushed in my ears. My eyes closed as I opened it and then looked down at the thin white receipts jammed into it. I pulled them out, looking at each of them before sinking to the floor. The little pieces of paper rained down around me, settling on the hardwoods as my chest heaved up and down.

  Bruce’s Booze

  Corner Package Store

  And countless others. Their names blurred together as my hands gripped tightly again
st the soft leather. I had proof Adam had a problem. One I didn’t have a clue how to handle. I gathered up the receipts and shoved them back in his wallet before placing it back on the dresser and changing. My eyes moved over my shoulder to Adam as I reached the door of the bedroom.

  What would I do now?

  Sleep? I scoffed at the thought before closing my eyes and turning into the living room. I couldn’t sleep when all I could think of was Adam. Despite the fact we spent so little time together he was all that consumed my thoughts.

  I settled on the couch, and my eyes moved to the door. On the other side was the hall, and at the other end of the corridor was the empty apartment Bobby’s parents were still paying rent on. My thumb went to my mouth as my eyes moved to the bowl on the side table next to the door. The keys glinted in the light.

  The apartment needed to be cleaned out sometime. Why not now?

  I could feel a part of me screaming as my stomach clenched even tighter and my fists went into balls as I stood. My feet moved as my brain wound the words don’t do it over and over again. Still, my fingers wrapped around the hard edges of the key as my free hand grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. I stood staring at Bobby’s door as the metal that would allow me into it bit into the palm of my hand.

  Someone had to do this, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be Adam. I breathed in and closed my eyes, only opening them as I exhaled and put one foot in front of the other. The key was hot from the heat of my body as it shook its way into the door knob. The metal clunked, and the wooden door swung open, leaving me staring at the empty room once filled with happiness. My eyes rushed over it as my mind flashed with memories, and my feet somehow continued in–all the way to Bobby’s bedroom door. My chest constricted and stars popped in my vision as I swung it open. I found myself blinking rapidly as my eyes wandered the room, stopping on the dresser where frames contained pictures of Adam and me, Bobby and me, the three of us, and then Tara and Bobby. My feet yet again propelled me forward, but I stopped as I breathed in, choking on the air.

  My body warmed as my chin trembled and I breathed in again.

  There it was again.

  Bobby. The room smelled like him.

  My eyelashes fluttered against my cheeks as the scent encircled me. Bath and Body Works’ Twilight Woods. The cologne we picked together when we were twelve. For fifteen years he’d worn it, even after Tara told him she hated it.

  My eyes opened and moved to the hockey jersey hanging half out of a drawer–exactly where he left it that morning. My knees shook, and I found myself sitting on the bed staring at it. I reached forward, and the worn fabric embraced me as I brought it up to my chest. I pursed my lips together as the tears gathered and I pulled the jersey over my head, engulfing myself in his scent–it was embedded into this clothes despite constant washing. In my memories, his laughter carried through the room. It wasn’t the first time I wore one of his jerseys. I closed my eyes and curled into a ball on his bed.

  “So you remember it too?” Bobby’s voice reached my ears, and the darkness behind my lids drifted away, parting until it was him and me in the tree house. I sat up on the bed, looking at him as he smirked at me from the edge of it. “See the thing is, I imagined it like this–you know? You practically naked;” his teeth ran over his bottom lip as his eyes ran up my legs, barely covered by my sleeping shorts. “in my jersey.”

  He moved forward and his hand cupped my chin as his thumb caught a tear. “You weren’t crying in my fantasies, though. You cry so much now, Riv. I don’t want you to cry.”

  I closed my eyes as my vision blurred from the weight of them, burdened by the false warmth of his touch.

  “I’ve lost myself just as much as I’ve lost you,” I whispered, trying to memorize the feeling of his soft hands against my skin. So caring and loving when everything seemed so cold now. “All my dreams are shattered without you.”

  Bobby’s hands reached for my face, turning it, so I was looking at him. He was beginning to waiver in and out, and panic burned its way up my throat.

  He was going to leave.

  But this was so real.

  “Please don’t leave,” I said, and the tears and clenching of my throat made the words as physically painful as they were emotional.

  “I thought all my dreams shattered when I found out Adam was with you–and it was over for me–that I didn’t have any more chances. My dreams realigned, though, Riv–they changed, refit into even better dreams. I expect you to do the same,” he said, and he was fading faster; his body just a wisp and his touch a mere warmth with nothing substantial behind it.

  “But Adam–“

  “You’ll figure out what to do, it might be hard, but in the end, it will work out. You and him are what’s left of me. Remember that. Together you make me whole,” he said, and his lips reached for my cheek, sending heat through my body as he disappeared.

  “Bobby!” I yelled, and suddenly I was sitting straight up in the bed sobbing, the warmth of his lips against my cheek a stinging pain. I leaned back, pulling my knees to my chest and cried until the darkness consumed me.

  This time, Bobby’s warmth didn’t return.

  Chapter 16

  Monday.

  Tuesday.

  Wednesday.

  Thursday.

  Friday.

  Each day moved into the other, and I only slept a few hours at night. I often found myself wandering to Bobby’s apartment. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Bobby hadn’t returned to my dreams and loneliness dug into me as I slowly worked my way through his things, fighting against the constant barrage of memories. There were times where I just couldn’t bear the tole of dealing with my emotions, and I turned to work instead. It was one of those nights. I stared at the door for an hour before deciding I just couldn’t handle it that day. I always had work to do anyway. I pulled my Macbook from my purse and sat on the couch, crossing my legs as I placed it on my lap. I typed in my username and password.

  Access Denied. Contact System Administrator.

  Maybe I typed my password wrong. I typed it in again.

  Access Denied. Contact System Administrator.

  I grit my teeth as I typed it in over and over with the same results.

  “What the fuck!” I said as the screen displayed the error message.

  I jumped as Adam leaned against the door frame, arms crossed as he looked at me on the couch.

  “What time is it, River?” he asked as he stood, coming to sit next to me.

  I looked up at the clock. “One AM.”

  “And why are you trying to sign on to your work computer?” he asked as he pushed the laptop closed and pulled it off my lap to set it on the coffee table.

  “I can’t sleep,” I replied as I pushed my fingers into my tired eyes. My lack of sleep had nothing to do with not needing it.

  I felt his arm around my shoulder. I gave in, placing my head in his lap.

  “I can’t ever sleep,” I said, too tired to fight him or wonder why he wasn’t completely loaded right now. I knew he had alcohol somewhere in the bedroom. There was no other reason a twenty-five-year-old man would go to sleep at eight at night.

  “I know,” he said, and his voice was soft as he ran his hands through my hair. “That’s why I had Jesse block your rights during non-business hours.”

  I shot up, yanking my body out of his warm arms. “You what?”

  Part of me was pissed, and another part of me longed for the warmth his arms just gave me. My chest tightened, not because of the fact I was mad, but because I realized how badly I missed something as simple as him holding me. The angry part of me took over, now more agitated because of the fact he withheld this part of himself from me so very often now that I needed to miss it to realize it.

  Adam blinked at me, his lips in a flat line. “You don’t need to be working past seven at night or on the weekend.”

  “It’s not night anymore,” I said, crossing my arms.

  His lips twitched at my
smart comment before going back into the thin line. “Or before seven in the morning.”

  I sucked in a breath through my nose.

  “You’re welcome,” he replied as his brows raised into his forehead underneath his too-long hair.

  I sighed as I settled my head his lap, being mad at him was futile when his eyes were clear. I needed his arms more than I needed to work. Hell, I didn’t need to work. I needed him, and he was here. My muscles relaxed for what seemed like the first time in months.

  “Let’s go in the bedroom?” Adam asked, and before I could respond he swept me into his arms to carry me in. He placed me on the bed and crawled in beside me. I rolled over to put my head on his chest, and his hands swept through my hair. The panic that overtook my mind twenty-four hours a day began drifting away with each caress.

  “Thank you,” I said as I fought the collapse of my mind.

  “You’re not alone, River.” He kissed my forehead, and the soft darkness consumed me.

  Chapter 17

  The weekends were the hardest because I couldn’t work. Adam made sure of that when Jesse restricted the rights on my computer, but that didn’t mean he was there for me any more than before. Saturday I thought he might stick around, but when I woke he was already putting coffee in a thermos. He kissed my head before going out the door and leaving me in the empty apartment with nothing much to do. I made my way over to Bobby’s and drowned myself in memories. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I walked the few blocks to Starbucks and spent an hour with a coffee before heading to the bookstore. I practically bought out half of the bargain section before going home and falling asleep ten pages into the first book. Sunday came, and I asked Adam if he would go with me to see Tara. Just like I did every Sunday, and his response was unchanged. He had something to do.

  Of course, he did. I nodded, kissed him and then left, crying on the drive to the recovery center. When I arrived, I stood at the threshold of Tara’s room, and my body reacted instantly; my nerves causing my skin to crawl with a tingling sensation as my eyes burned. She looked like herself now, albeit a paler, more intense version—but she wasn’t covered in the bruises that made the contents of my stomach come up. My stomach still shifted in unease as I stared at her sleeping in the bed. The windows were open, casting a cool spring breeze over her and wafting her long hair across her face as the sun cascaded over her frame. I swallowed, my nails digging into my palms as I finally stepped into the room. I sat down beside her, wondering if I should wake her up. I could only bear to come once a week, because by the end of the visit I was hollower than when I woke up that morning. It seemed impossible, but each time it was the same. We talked about the same things because she was still struggling to remember anything from her short-term memory. She would get frustrated, but at least now she knew where she was and why she was there. She was still having trouble remembering what happened to Bobby, though, and that was the part I dreaded the most. I managed to get around the conversation during the handful of times I visited since she woke up, but I knew eventually I needed to face my fears and tell her, and keep telling her. That was the only way she was going to remember.