My eyes pricked as I stared at him. My vision clouded. I was so patient tonight with Alec, and because of that something inside of me snapped. My voice was too loud–too angry as I asked, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Adam’s lips twitched, the ball beneath his lip pushing tight against his flesh. “You know,” he slurred; “It’s the same thing that’s wrong with you!”
He stood, his knees shaking as he made his way toward me, and I backed up against the door, shaking my head. My whole body trembled as I replied, “No…I’m not a drunk.”
Adam’s head jerked back, and he sat on the edge of the bed looking up at me. “Nah, you’re just a raging bitch.” My mouth dropped as the tears rushed down my cheeks. Last night he was perfect. He was Adam–tonight he was drunk, and I realized while I always thought he was drinking I hadn’t interacted with him while he was drunk. Apparently it made him mean. I struggled to form any response, but I didn’t have to because Adam continued to speak. His eyes locked on mine. “I still love you, though–do you still love me?”
My spine pressed hard against the door, and my voice came as a weak whisper when I replied, “Did you hear what you just called me? My Adam, the one who was my best friend, would never call me that.”
Adam rubbed his fogging eyes, and his body rocked backward. “Don’t give up on me.”
I watched as he flopped back, passed out from too much booze, and I slid down to the sit on the floor. I put my head on my knees.
Level-headed, Dad’s words echoed in my ears.
What I did was the exact opposite of level-headed.
Chapter 20
When I woke up the next morning, Adam was already up making coffee. He glanced over his back at me, and I looked away, biting my lip as my chest tightened. The night before was still fresh in my mind. I went into the bathroom to take a shower and when I got out Adam was already gone. No note. No text. He was just gone as if I was the one who said those horrible things and deserved to be ignored. I spent the day staring at my cell phone screen replaying the things we both said. I raised my voice at Adam when he was drunk, and he called me out about it–but he apparently thought he was in the right, or didn’t remember. I shouldn’t have been so hard on him, and when I realized he was loaded, I should’ve left. Instead, I took the verbal abuse and spat it right back at him. I closed my eyes as I put my head in my hands.
“A penny for your thoughts?” Jesse asked from behind me, and my head jerked back as I slid my cell phone off my desk. I didn’t like the idea of Jesse thinking I was on it all day. I plastered a smile on as I spun around in the chair, my hands settling on my crossed legs.
“Sorry, just a bit distracted today,” I replied.
Jesse nodded, putting his reading glasses into his suit pocket. “What’s up?”
“I didn’t realize there was therapist written on your name plate,” I said as he moved to sit in front of my desk.
He chuckled as he took a seat. “There isn’t, but for you, there is. What’s going on?”
I looked at him for a moment and then sighed, giving in and explaining. “Bobby left Adam and I a bunch of money, and instead of talking to Adam about it…I kind of blew up on him.”
“Why would you do that? You’re usually so level-headed.”
“Here I am,” I replied, looking at the neatly organized files and my notebook with my pen resting on it. “With Adam, I never had to be before…I guess I don’t know how to handle anything that’s happened, or happening for that matter.”
“It’s good that you feel like you can be yourself at home,” Jesse said as he tilted his head. “But some of your work skills are transferable, you know.”
I smiled up at him. “It’s complicated.”
“And telling a vendor they’re in breach of contract isn’t? Especially when you’ve tried repeated times to get them to cooperate. You always seem to think that through and state facts in an efficient manner.”
We locked eyes, and his gray brows rose into his forehead.
“You might be right,” I replied.
“The good thing here is you can say sorry. It’s kind of hard to do that with a vendor if you tell them to screw themselves,” Jesse said as he stood, squeezing my shoulder as he walked passed me.
I bit my lip before turning as Jesse moved out the door. “Jesse?”
He peeked his head back in the door. “Yes?”
“Thank you for being more than a boss.”
He winked at me before walking away.
Jesse was right, and I was determined to figure out a way to talk to Adam. I talked vendors into keeping their end of the bargain all the time. I didn’t want to think about what happened when they didn’t keep their end of the bargain because I was sure that wouldn’t apply in this case. Adam and I could work this out, but I needed to put in the extra effort to hold Adam to his part of being in this relationship. So I left work early, arriving home before school even let out. I hoped Adam would come home on time so I could say sorry, and we could talk. I realized I might have left a little too early when I began to pace the apartment. As I did my eyes fell on my purse, thinking about the two checks in the side pocket. I walked forward, pulling them out and sitting on the couch to stare at them. Half a million dollars. I ran my fingers over the smooth paper, fighting to keep my eyes open against the sudden fatigue that washed over my body the moment I sat down. The door opened, and I jumped, sliding the checks into a notebook on the coffee table.
“Hey,” Adam said, sliding his messenger bag off. “What you doing?”
Guilt balled in my stomach as he stared down at me. He didn’t seem mad. I shook my head, opening my mouth but no words came out. “N-Nothing.” I finally stuttered as I sat back, pulling my knees to my chest. “Just waiting for you before cooking dinner.”
“You look tired, why don’t you relax and I’ll throw something together.”
I blinked at him a few times, and he gave me a smile before moving into the kitchen. “So you didn’t tell me who the client you were with last night was?”
“Rep from the new clothing store I am working on a set of advertisements for.” The words slipped from my lips so easily, and my hands balled into fists against my thighs.
“Sounds fun,” Adam replied.
I rolled my shoulders as I stared at him over the top of the couch. “More photo shoots and staring at a computer screen for hours. How are the kids?”
Adam’s neck reddened up to his ears, and I narrowed my eyes at him as he rubbed the back of it. “Good, good.”
I didn’t want to know what his embarrassment meant, and I wondered if I was the only one lying.
Adam pulled some lunch meat out of the refrigerator. “Sandwiches okay?” he asked, and I nodded. He pulled out a few more ingredients before going to the island to assemble them. “My mom called last night while you were at dinner.”
My pulse quickened, and sweat beads formed on my forehead as I looked down at the threads of the couch. “Did you pick up?”
He shook his head as he cut the bread. “She left a message, though.”
“You listened to it?”
He nodded, pausing to look up at me. “I usually do.”
“I…didn’t realize,” I replied as he continued making our dinner.
Because we never talk anymore.
Just like we were doing now– a casual conversation that avoided the truth.
He nodded again. “She and Dad are getting a divorce.”
“No shit,” I replied, and I was surprised how well I faked shock.
His eyes met mine. “Something about not being able to look at him without seeing Bobby…and apparently me, though I’m not sure how the hell that’s possible.”
My chin trembled, and I looked away. I could understand perfectly now. It had been hard for me to look at Alec through dinner, and even harder to say goodbye. “Maybe he’s changed.”
Adam scoffed, his chin tucking into his neck as he did. His brown eyes flashed, and I
realized it wasn’t a battle I could fight without admitting the truth.
“How could all this make anyone better? I mean look at you and me,” Adam replied.
My eyes dropped to the notebook harboring the checks, and my stomach rolled as I thought of the wall of lies I was constructing between us — the wall of lies that was already between us. I closed my eyes before standing and going to sit at the island across from him.
“Listen…” I began, and Adam shook his head, stopping mid squeeze of mayo.
“Don’t worry about it, Riv. You were right to get upset with me.”
My body rushed with tingles as I shook my head. “No–that’s not it. I found the receipts,” I said, my voice drifting as his eyes slowly came up to mine. He licked his lips. “And the hidden bottle.”
He pressed his palms against the counter, his eyes locked on the sandwiches in front of him.
“I’m scared, Adam. I can’t…” My voice cracked. “I can’t lose you too.”
His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, but his gaze remained on the food. Finally, he spoke, “I’m not an alcoholic.”
My stomach sank as I stared at him. Level-headed. Facts–then feelings. What was next?
“You understand what it must look like to me then–you go to bed early every night. After finding all that–it just seems like you’re having trouble dealing with the loss of…”
Adam’s brows rose into his forehead, cutting me off with a single look. “And you’re not? You work all the time, River. I had to have your boss lock down your computer so that you’d at least sleep–and you still don’t.”
“How do you know I don’t sleep?” I asked, pacing the words, so it didn’t sound like I was snapping. My heart raced in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
“Your makeup wears off by the time you get home. You look exhausted all the time, Riv.”
Because I’m worrying about you. I’m dealing with organizing my dead best friend’s things–oh, and my other best friend is struggling to learn how to walk and function in everyday life. I have to be strong for everyone.
I nodded, keeping my eyes on him as I answered, “I appreciate you tried to help me by locking down my computer. I’m trying to help you–what can I do to help?”
Adam’s eyes finally rose to mine, and they were blank as he rubbed his hands against his slacks and turned to grab a bag of chips off the counter. He gave me a smile as he pulled it open and held the bag out to me with a smile saying, “I’m fine, Riv. Just stop worrying so much.”
I stared at him before smiling back and taking a chip.
“You want mustard?” he asked as he gathered up the excess items to put back into the refrigerator.
“Sure,” I replied, staring at the chip in my hand.
“You’re worrying again,” Adam said as he squeezed the mustard onto the meat before putting the bread on top and sliding the plate to me. He cocked his head at me, giving me a crooked smile, and I gave in, popping the chip in my mouth and smiling back.
My stomach twisted as I realized whatever relationship Adam and I had was fading.
And there was nothing I could do to fix it.
Chapter 21
I glanced at the clock as I pulled into the commuter lot Dad and I met at on a bi-weekly basis and for once I wasn’t late. I looked around the lot and didn’t see Dad’s car. Surely, this was a first. Adam was the one who usually got my butt out of the house on time, but this time, I managed to do it myself. I tipped my head back to look at the fabric ceiling of the car. My body rushed with heat as I thought of why. All day I thought about Alec’s words:
“So it’s true…he’s drinking.”
My arms tingled, and I rubbed them as I clenched my jaw. There were only a few people who knew, and one of them may or may not have heard me admit it and couldn’t remember anything new for more than a few minutes. The other was Dad. I watched his green Volvo pull in, parking next to me and waving for me to get in. I took a deep breath as I slid out of my car, locked it and then got into his.
“Hey, Duckie,” he said, leaning over and kissing my cheek.
I stiffened, looking down at my hands. “Hi, Daddy.”
Facts. Feelings. Be logical. It hadn’t worked with Adam, but it would probably work with Dad.
He cocked his head, his hand on the shifter of the car. “That’s a cold greeting.”
I lifted my chin, and our eyes met as I replied, “You told Alec about Adam.”
His body relaxed and his gaze dropped from mine as his hand slid to my knee and squeezed. “He had a right to know.”
“Why?” I asked.
“River, don’t be unreasonable.”
Feelings–it was time for those, but they were bubbling, and I fought the urge to burst out about the fact Alec and Vickie didn’t deserve to know that. But Alec seemed changed.
“Adam is struggling, and I told you because I thought I could trust you.”
“Alec is going through a lot—”
“I know,” I replied, inhaling. “But so am I.”
“River—” his voice lowered to the lecturing tone, and I sunk into the seat, chewing on the inside of my lip. “Every single one of us is battling what this means. Alec has lost both of his sons because of this, and his marriage has disintegrated.”
“I know,” I replied, swallowing before continuing; “But I’ve lost both of them too, and Tara isn’t really Tara…and…” I didn’t finish the sentence. The words neither am I floundered, sputtered and disappeared as I looked down at my hands. It didn’t seem relevant anymore. Dad was right. Alec did have the right to know.
Dad squeezed my leg. “I’m proud of you, Ducks.”
I looked up shaking my head. “Why?”
“This means you agreed to meet with Alec, and you’re being reasonable.”
My shoulders raised up as I leaned against my hand and looked over at him. “I’m trying to be.”
“I’m sure it was hard to meet with Alec, especially with everything you’re dealing with too.”
Alec’s face flashed and then Bobby’s–the eyes so similar, navy in their pain. It was like staring at Bobby.
I chose a subject less sensitive, but still just as crazy. “He gave me checks from Bobby’s estate.”
“It’s a lot of money.”
My jaw slackened as I looked over at him. “You know?”
Dad nodded before shifting his car into gear. “Where do you want to go?”
“I could use some fish and chips, and a walk on the beach,” I replied as he merged onto the highway.
“Of course,” he replied as he smiled over at me. His eyes raced over my face as if he was trying to determine if I was actually okay. Maybe it was because I was suddenly more rational, or maybe I just lost the will to fight. He didn’t seem comfortable with either thought but didn’t address it as we ordered our meal and ate at a picnic table in the chilly April night air. Instead, we talked about easy things like work and what research he was doing at Avery Point. I gathered something about green algae and micro-organisms, but pretty much just nodded to everything else as if I understood his job as a marine biologist. When we headed to the beach, the conversation tempered off. Dad sighed before glancing over at me, and I knew it was coming.
“So you’ve forgiven Alec?” he asked.
I looked out over the ocean and nodded. “Yeah.”
“Doesn’t that feel good?” He looked ahead now, but his eyes drifted to the corners where wrinkles deeper than Alec’s resided– probably from being in the open salt air all day.
My shoulders rose up. “Better–but not exactly good.”
“Ah,” Dad said, and then he cleared his throat. “Have you thought about speaking to your mom?”
I stopped walking, and he turned to face me, eyes darting back and forth over mine. “Does she want to speak to me?”
“Of course — you’re her daughter!”
I sucked on my bottom lip as I looked down at the sands sinking between my t
oes. I looked back up. “Then why hasn’t she apologized? Alec apologized– he showed he was truly sorry for what he did. Mom hasn’t done any of that.”
“She was by your side at the funeral–” he began, but his words trailed off as he took in the look on my face.
“For show, Dad. That was for show, and you know it.”
“River, you don’t know that.”
I bit my lip as I looked out to the ocean waves. “She’s going to have to apologize for the things she said. When she’s willing to do that, I’ll be willing to consider forgiving her.”
Dad’s hands tapped at his sides.
I shook my head as I looked over at him. “I’m not being unreasonable. You have to admit that. All I’m asking for is her to consider the things she said and how hurtful they were.”
Dad’s eyes closed. “She thinks you should apologize to her.”
My head jerked back as I stared at him, his eyelids slowly opening. “For what?”
He scratched the back of his neck. “For getting the tattoo.” My mouth dropped open, and he shook his head. “I don’t agree with her.”
“Then you know I’m not going to apologize for that, right?”
He took a shaky breath. “Yeah.”
At that moment, I felt bad for Dad. He was stuck in the middle of Mom and me–secretly visiting me and probably trying to make both of us be reasonable. Mom wasn’t like me, though — she would never admit she was wrong, and she was a snob. It was a judgmental thought, but at that moment, I knew it was why she and Vickie got along so well.
I cocked my head at Dad, giving him a smile. “At least we know where I got my propensity to be unreasonable from.”
He laughed at that, and we continued down the beach, where he began to talk about green algae yet again. I smiled, and this time, it was genuine. Just the sound of his voice made things better, even if I didn’t understand a word he was saying.
Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) Page 10
