Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2)

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “So,” I began. “This is awkward.”

  Mark chuckled to himself as he rubbed his overgrown beard. “More for you than me.”

  “I’m not stalking Adam—”

  “I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

  My head jerked as I looked over at him. “Do you know something I don’t know?”

  Mark shook his head. “Adam wouldn’t cheat on you. I just don’t blame you for wondering where he is.”

  “Is he drunk?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

  Mark’s lips protruded as he replied, “Nah, he’s straight right now. He’s not stupid enough to drink and drive, and he knows I won’t drive his ass back to the city. I already drive there enough as it is for work. When we’re in the city, I can’t say the same. The kid never drank, until…well, you know.”

  “How much does he drink with you guys?” I asked as I stared down at my hands in my lap.

  Mark coughed, and I saw him scratch his chin from the corner of my eyes. “More than he used to.”

  I swallowed, stretching my legs out and looking at the holes in my skinny jeans as my stomach rode the wave of his lack of information. It was a vague answer that couldn’t be veiled by his stiffened posture beside me.

  “Oh,” I said, nodding. “Same at home.”

  “So, how are you doing?” Mark asked, tilting his head at me with a soft smile. “Because I can imagine this shit is just eating you up alive…especially if you drove all the way here.”

  “I don’t know,” I replied, tipping back and looking at the stars beginning to show in the darkening sky. It was the first time someone came out and actually asked how I was doing. The words came out in a slow, honest string. “Sometimes I’m just barely functioning…other times I’m just functioning on pain or anger.”

  “Which one is tonight?”

  “Started with pain, melted to anger and now…I’m right back to barely functioning,” I replied, propping my chin on my shoulder as I looked over at him. “You remember Tara?”

  Mark’s brown eyes twinkled, and I watched as his pupils dilated. “Kind of hard to forget. Feisty and–” His voice drifted as he looked over at me raising an eyebrow. He coughed. “Uh…very attractive.”

  “Yeah…well, she’s coming out of her amnesia state–and the doctors think it’s time to start telling her about Bobby. It’s the only way she’s going to get better,” I replied, chewing the inside of my lip as I looked down at my hands. “It’s killing me. I tried really hard to stay with her–to keep telling her. I just couldn’t.” I shook my head as my chest rose. “I shouldn’t be loading this off on you.”

  Mark gave me a sad smile. “It’s fine. I get it. I’ve been watching Adam fight this internally the whole time.”

  “He doesn’t talk about it?”

  Mark looked ahead. “No, but I can tell when he’s thinking about it. Then I know he’s not too far away from a bottle.”

  I knew exactly what Mark was talking about. I saw that look in his eyes as I left the apartment this morning, and a part of me was shocked he wasn’t somewhere drunk like I thought he would be. The other part of me wondered why he came here instead of talking to me. But then again, I didn’t understand much of what Adam was doing anymore.

  “Why does he drink?” I asked. Maybe a guy would understand when I couldn’t.

  Mark rubbed the back of his neck. “I suppose it numbs him.”

  I pulled my knees to my chest. “I don’t have to drink to feel numb. I just look at him.”

  “Don’t give up on him, River. Do what you have to,” his eyes locked on mine, and my breathing stopped; “but whatever happens; don’t really give up on him.”

  “Do you think there’s anything that would snap him back?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at him.

  He cringed, his eyes looking into the distance before they locked on mine. “I’m sure there’s at least one thing.”

  I blinked at him as my stomach rolled. A part of me knew what he was inferring, but I shut it off as soon as the thought began to spool inside my brain.

  “Right,” I replied.

  Mark stood, holding out his hand. “It’s getting chilly out here. Why don’t you come in?”

  “That’s fine; I’ll just head back,” I said as I let him help me up.

  My stomach growled.

  Mark cocked his head at me as he pushed, “I was just about to order us a few pizzas. I can get you a salad?”

  I shook my head. “Pizza sounds perfect.”

  “So you do eat!” Mark replied, eyebrows rising to his forehead as he opened the door and I followed him in. “Look who I found lurking in my driveway!”

  Adam’s eyes rose from the pool table where he was leaning over and eyeing the corner pocket. His arm jerked involuntarily and sent the cue ball bouncing off the eight ball. In turn, it skittered across the green before bouncing back off the edge of the table and away from the pocket.

  “River,” Adam said.

  “Hey, I was bored, and…” I sucked in a breath of air, letting it stale in my lungs before I let it out with a weak laugh; “ended up here.”

  He came around the table, and I stood frozen as I waited for him to whisper something harshly at me or ask me into the other room, but instead he pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair.

  “I would’ve waited up if I’d known you’d want to come,” he said.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as I hugged him, all of the numb parts of me melting into warm bliss.

  “Sorry,” I whispered into his shoulder.

  “Well, you’re here now.” My stomach growled, and he smirked down at me. “And Mark was supposed to be ordering pizza.”

  “Should probably get some hot wings, too,” Joe said as Mark walked by rolling his eyes and punched a number into his phone.

  “And bread sticks!” Adam called to his back.

  “You paying?” Mark asked as he turned on his heel to stare at Adam.

  “Why the hell not?” Adam replied with a smirk.

  The guys laughed, and I found myself laughing too. We spent the rest of the night laughing just like that, and a part of me felt like maybe things could work themselves out if only Adam could find the will to be like this more of the time. When we finally got home it was past 11:00 PM, and I didn’t know how I typically stayed awake most of the night. I was exhausted.

  “You going to make it?” Adam asked as he dropped his keys on the side table and turned to lock the door.

  I shook my head as my shoulders slumped and I dragged my feet as I walked across the living room to the bedroom.

  “You’re normally still up at this time,” Adam said as I stripped down and pulled on a baggy t-shirt before crawling into bed. He smirked as he watched me.” Not even going to brush your teeth?”

  I shook my head, groaning as I pulled the sheets up to my chin and sighed.

  Adam’s nose wrinkled as he stripped down to his boxers and then pointed at me as I looked at him with one eye open. “I’m not kissing you in the morning.”

  I huffed, closing my other eye as he climbed into bed beside me.

  “Not even going to brush your teeth?” I mumbled as he wrapped his arm around me.

  His laughter sent his warm breath washing over my skin, and my chest rose with a happy sigh.

  “So,” Adam whispered into my ear; “what did you and Mark talk about outside?”

  My eyes shot open, far less asleep than a moment ago and I felt Adam’s breathing stop as he waited for my answer.

  “Nothing,” I replied, and my throat felt raw with the lie.

  “Nothing?” he repeated, his lips hovering over my bare arm.

  I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. “He just wanted to know how Tara was doing.”

  “Ah, yes. He’s always had a thing for her,” Adam said as he kissed my shoulder.

  “I could tell,” I replied, trying to ignore the stabbing in my chest that said she has a boyfriend, because she didn’t.

  “
Thank you,” Adam’s soft whisper broke my train of thought, and I found myself turning into his arms to face him.

  “For what?” I asked, my eyes racing over his face.

  His hand reached up, and his fingers traced the shape of my chin as he looked at me. “For coming and checking on me.”

  I looked down at our chests rising into one another with each breath we took. “I’m sorry I felt the need to find you. I know it was craz—”

  His thumb stopped me from continuing as it pressed into my lips, and he tilted my chin back up to look at him. “I know I’m pretty fucked up, Riv. You don’t need to lie. You thought I was getting cocked.”

  I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”

  “River,” his voice was soft, and I slowly opened my eyes to see his face. His brown eyes reflected the sadness in his tone. “You don’t have to be sorry for my actions. I’m the one doing them.”

  “The past few days have been so nice–you staying up with me,” I said, biting my lip. “When you weren’t home…I figured you slipped back into the drinking. I’m just scared.”

  He shook his head, his eyes racing back and forth over mine. “Of what?”

  My chest heaved as I tried to bring the words to my lips.

  Of what Mark insinuated–that you’re drinking more than I know…that I’ll lose you. That I’ve lost myself.

  Finally, I shook my head, forcing a smile to my lips. “Nothing.”

  Adam’s eyes closed as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead, his thumbs tracing circles on my cheek. “I love you, River.”

  I pressed my lips together as I felt the tears forming in my eyes. My chest tightened as his lips drifted down to mine, brushing against them as my hands tangled in his hair. His lips parted mine, and his tongue danced over my mouth in a way that made me fully awake again. He pulled away and brushed my hair out of my face as he gave me a sad smile.

  “We should get some sleep,” he said, and I shook my head, moving up to kiss him.

  Adam put a finger to my lips. “You don’t sleep enough as it is.”

  I could feel my eyes getting heavy again, and I sighed as he moved so I could put my head on his chest. I didn’t get a chance to reply before the corners of sleep sunk in.

  Chapter 25

  I started my day on a high from the night before– from finding Adam not loaded when I thought he would be and from real laughter I missed so much. Those moments gave me some level of hope, but in a matter of seconds, that hope was leveled. The photo shoot planned for the next day brought me right past Adam’s work, so I left early to grab us both Starbucks. When I arrived at the school the kids were out for recess, but his car was nowhere to be seen, and neither was he. I got out of the car and flagged down the girl standing outside with the kids.

  “River?” she said, giving me a smile as she cocked her head. “I’m Adam’s substitute, Regina. I recognize you from the pictures on his desk.”

  I swallowed before forcing a smile on my lips. “I didn’t realize Adam needed a substitute.”

  She bit her lower lip before her shoulders rose up. “He’s been sick on a pretty regular basis, so I’ve been coming up once or twice a week. It’s a shame the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong, you know? It must be so stressful for you two. Especially with everything you’ve already been through this year.”

  I opened and closed my mouth as I searched for the words, but I didn’t know how to respond to something she obviously thought I knew was going on. Instead, I ended up nodding before realizing it made no sense I was here if Adam wasn’t. Especially seeing I should know he wasn’t.

  Somehow I made my brain work.

  “Yeah, it’s been a rough year. Adam feels bad that you’ve been covering so much, so he asked me to get you Starbucks since this was on my way to a work meeting. I hope you like flat white lattes?”

  Regina’s eyes widened. “That is so sweet of you. Right around now is the time when I could use one of those. These kids will run you ragged!”

  “Great,” I said giving her a huge, fake smile. “I’ll just get it.”

  I walked back to the car, and with each step, the pressure in my head grew. Adam was out of work at least once or twice a week? Doing what?

  My body froze as I reached the car. I knew exactly what. I managed to get away from Regina without much more small talk, but by the time I got to the photo shoot my headache was making me nauseous. I managed to muddle my way through the next two hours and then texted Jesse I was going home.

  I wanted to see if Adam was home.

  He was.

  I slipped my shoes off and tossed my keys into the bowl on the table by the door. The metal clinked against the bowl, only a faint sound against the TV show Adam was watching.

  “Hey, what are you doing home so early?” he asked, looking around the couch as I walked wordlessly passed him into the bedroom.

  I ignored him as I tried to decide whether or not accusing him of skipping out on work was worth it, or if it would make it worse. I slipped my blouse off before pulling on a baggy sweatshirt and yoga pants and climbed out the window onto the balcony. I stood there watching the sunset as my mind raced. I didn’t dare go back inside. I couldn’t face Adam when I was so pissed at him.

  “Hey,” Adam said, sticking his head out the window.

  I kept my eyes straight ahead and didn’t respond. I had nothing nice to say.

  “Not talking to me anymore?” he asked.

  I shook my head, gritting my teeth before replying with a half truth, “I drove passed the school today.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, his voice not changing in pitch like I thought it would.

  Had he become that good at lying?

  “So?” I asked, giving him a chance to tell the truth.

  “So?” he repeated as he climbed through the window and came to lean against the rails next to me. His arm muscles bunched beneath the sleeves of his t-shirt.

  “Where were you?” I asked, and my voice cracked.

  “Out.”

  “Out?”

  He turned, leaning backward, and his hands clasped over his chest. “Yeah. I had to go out and purchase some instruments for the kids. We received a grant, so I went out to pick some stuff up.”

  Lie. It was all a lie, and a part of me knew I shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but I had to know. I moved to the front of him and leaned in, kissing his liquor-tainted lips. Proof.

  I buried my head in his shoulder as I bit my lip to hold back the tears.

  “Are you feeling okay?” he asked as he rubbed his hands over my back.

  “Migraine,” I whispered, and I hoped Adam took the pained shaking of my voice to be for that reason.

  He held me out at arm’s length, red eyes searching my face. “Why don’t you lay down? I’ll get you an ice pack and order us some Chinese.”

  I nodded and followed him inside. I vaguely remembered him handing me the ice pack, but I didn’t wake up until the next morning. I rolled over to find the space in the bed next to me was empty and cold. There was another letter underneath the now broken heart magnet on the fridge. Adam hadn’t wanted to wake me once I fell asleep and he was going to be out the rest of the day. My pork fried rice and chicken fingers were in the fridge if I wanted them for lunch. I grabbed a fork and ate them cold for breakfast. I wouldn’t enjoy their taste anymore if they were warm. I glanced around the empty apartment, swallowing the last of the day old Chinese food. I’d normally just take a shower and hit the road to see Dad, but today Mom had him otherwise occupied. I didn’t trust myself alone with my thoughts so instead I decided to visit Tara a day early. Maybe I could talk to her about Adam, if only in a roundabout way.

  “On a Saturday?” Tara asked when I came into the room.

  “Yeah, my mom has my dad opening the pool up this weekend,” I explained as I held out a Starbucks cup to her.

  “Spoiling me?” she asked, taking it with a smile. She held it up to her f
ace with both hands, and her eyes rolled back as she took a deep sip.

  I smirked as she opened her eyes. “Not fully. It’s decaf.” Her jaw dropped as I sat down on the bed next to a pile of neatly folded clothes. “Can’t tell, huh?”

  She narrowed her eyes and took another sip before shrugging and placing it on the window sill next to the dried rose, now more beige than white. She moved to the dresser and continued putting clothes next to me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I watched her pull luggage out from under the bed.

  Tara smiled as she looked up at me. “I get to go home tomorrow– well, not home, home, but to my parent’s house. Maybe I can go swimming at your parent’s house!”

  I swallowed, nodding and looking down at the top of my coffee cup as I wondered if she remembered the fight with Mom about my tattoo.

  “You’re still not talking to her then?” Tara asked as she began putting the clothes into the luggage. When I didn’t answer she came to sit in the now cleared spot and put her hands over mine, looking through her long lashes in expectation of my response.

  I blinked hard. “No.”

  “It’s been a long time, River. You should talk to her. You never know…” her eyes faded as she chewed on the inside of her lip. They came back to, and she replied in a firm tone, “You never know when something bad is going to happen.” My mouth dropped, and she squeezed my hands. “Bobby would’ve wanted us to pick ourselves up and go on with life. Don’t you think so?”

  She knew. Why hadn’t Becky warned me? She wasn’t here right now; that was why–but why hadn’t she called? I looked down at my cell phone.

  MISSED CALL: Becky.

  I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand. “It’s not that easy.”

  “I know it’s not easy, Riv. How can it be? I finally realized the nightmares I was having weren’t nightmares, but memories,” she said, moving her hands into a hard knot on her lap as she stared at them. “Once we hit that patch of ice and the truck started spinning…” her voice broke, and she squeezed her eyes shut; “The last thing I remember is the fear in his eyes and his lips whispering he loved me. That was it. I didn’t even get a chance to respond.”