I licked my lips as air rattled in my lungs. “I’m sure he knew how you felt.”
Her head rocked back as she breathed in through her nose, and then her eyes opened slowly. “So it’s hard. I know–but we have to move on from all the shit that’s happened.”
“This is my way of moving on,” I replied, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
“Running away from the situation?” she asked.
My cheeks burned as I stared at her, my mouth going dry. “Some things can’t be fixed, and sometimes they aren’t meant to be. This was a long time coming with my mom. I’m not going back to dealing with being abused on a regular basis.”
Tara’s head jerked back at my response, and she stood shaking her head. “That’s not what I meant, but if something were to happen tomorrow to either of you, would you be okay? Would you regret any of it?”
I locked eyes with her as she turned to face me. “No. I can’t control her actions.”
“You can control yours, though–“
“But I can’t be the only one controlling things,” I looked down at my hands as I shook my head. Anger heated my body as I looked up at her and continued. “I’m constantly thinking of everyone else. I do it every day with Adam — even with you. It’s tiring. It’s eating me up alive. I’m barely living because I’m always so worried about everyone else.”
Tara’s eyes ran over my face as her voice lowered. “I get why you’re worried about me…but Adam seems better.”
“He’s not, Tara. He blames himself for Bobby’s death. But really, Tara– it’s because of me. Everything’s because of me. I’m the reason that they were at war with each other–with their parents,” I replied, the agonizing words I kept in so long rushing out in a pained whisper as I stood and went to the door. “And I’m not strong enough to keep Adam from drinking.”
“River– you can’t blame yourself for that,” Tara said to my back.
I stopped, my eyelashes weighted down with water before I turned back to face her. “Why am I not enough for him to stop?”
Tara stepped forward and pulled me into her thin arms. “You’re the only one who can make him stop.”
“How?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around her, giving into the warmth of her arms.
“I don’t know.”
The problem was, I did, and I knew I couldn’t tell her.
Chapter 26
When I went to bed that night, Adam still wasn’t home, and when I woke up the next morning and asked if he wanted to go grocery shopping with me, he shook his head and continued drinking his coffee. When I got home, he was gone. I didn’t bother texting him to ask where he was. I didn’t want to know. The hope from Thursday was completely gone, and I replaced it with denial or just ignorance to the truth. Adam was just out with the boys or something. He’d gotten bored and decided to go out. Maybe he was at the gym. There could be any number of good reasons why he wasn’t home on a Sunday afternoon.
I sought a distraction from my mind and found myself packing up the final remnants of Bobby’s life up. I looked at the boxes that surrounded me; each neatly labeled with the names of who they needed to go to. I focused on Tara’s stuff, knowing she would probably want it now that she was going to be going home–well, to her parent’s house. I wondered if she wanted to move back here, but as I looked around the apartment, I realized it was just too big for one person. Bobby’s parents were continuing to pay the rent until I was done boxing everything up, and Alec told me to take my time. I sank into the couch, melting into the leather, warmed from the breeze coming through the open kitchen window. It was an unseasonably hot day for May, exactly the way Bobby would like it to be for his birthday. I laid back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling as I fought the wave of tears.
The truth was after Tara’s stuff was done, there was nothing left. All that remained where the labeled boxes and the furniture, ready to be divided up to who needed to take them. I closed my eyes as I thought of what would come next. Each piece would be removed from the apartment until it was bare, and then someone else would move in.
The tears came thick as the memories of the apartment and our lives in it rushed forward. It was just an apartment, but it was being vacated too soon.
“River…” the voice knocked into me, causing me to suck in a deep breath. Bobby repeated my name, causing my heart to patter. “River…” I sat up, and there he was, sitting with one arm thrown over the top of the couch and his ankle propped against his knee. “Hey, sleepy head. You always fell asleep so easily on this couch.”
I swallowed as I leaned forward, moving a blond curl out of his blue eyes and touching the warmth of his cheek. He closed his eyes, inhaling as my hand dropped to his still chest. There was no heartbeat beneath my hands.
Being dead will do that to you.
Bobby shook his head, putting his hand over mine and moving it over my heart. “Part of my heart is here,” he whispered as if he could read my thoughts. “Another is in Adam’s chest, and yet more in Tara’s. As long as those hearts beat, mine is too.”
“Why haven’t you come back until now?” I asked as I tangled my fingers into his.
His brows pulled in as he cocked his head at me. “I was trying to help Tara…but then I realized it was keeping her from remembering. She…” he shook his head. “She had this me confused for the living version. I needed to say goodbye for her to remember fully.”
“Now you’re here to help me?” I asked, and he chuckled.
“Riv, you’re too stubborn for me to help you,” he said.
“Then try to help Adam– go to him–“
Bobby cut me off with a shake of his head, his lips pulling into his mouth. “I can’t help him when he’s lost in that fog. He’s unreachable.”
“He’s unreachable for me too. What if the only thing to pull him out is if I’m gone. This is all my fault–“
“Don’t blame yourself, River,” he said as he leaned his forehead to mine. “The only wars we fight are the ones we choose. Adam’s fought wars with me, with our parents…and now he’s fighting one with himself. You were always there for us, but sometimes that’s not what we needed. Sometimes that’s not what you needed.”
Bobby’s eyes drifted to our hands as a sad smile pulled at the edge of his lips. It was the same look Mark had.
“Are you saying–?” I asked as he began to waver in and out. “Wait — I don’t understand, Bobby!”
He leaned forward, his lips kissing my cheek and spreading tingles through my body. “Do what you know will pull him out, just know this battle is just beginning, and you’ll have to fight, too.”
Chapter 27
Go to sleep alone.
Wake up alone.
It was starting to become a pattern, and I had nothing better to do than to work away my thoughts. Even though sometimes at work I couldn’t arrange my thoughts coherently because my brain was so fogged with worry. Being alone so much also meant I had no idea where Adam was– if he was working or when he was working, and I didn’t have the strength to go passed the school and see. The photo shoot I did in the morning should’ve brought me right passed there, but instead, I took the long way around– to the tune of twenty extra minutes just to avoid knowing.
Not knowing was so much better. Back at work, I flicked through the photographs, happy my mental state wasn’t showing through in my job– if anything I’d gotten better. I smiled at that thought. I was awful at relationships, but I knew how to do branding. Probably because when I avoided relationships I was working. I felt Jesse’s presence behind me before he announced he was there.
“Hey you,” Jesse greeted me from my door.
I looked over my shoulder and smiled at him. “Hey, come on in.”
“So how was Tara?” Jesse asked as he sat down in front of me, putting his ankle on top of his knee and tapping his leg with his fingers as he waited for my answer.
I looked down at the notes in front of me, narrowing my eyes at them as the words
presented themselves in incoherent swirls of ink across the page. Jesse coughed, and my head shot up.
“Good–Good, better than most of us would be after realizing someone you loved died months ago,” I replied. “She’s determined to move on.”
Jesse’s hands smoothed the slacks beneath them as he nodded, keeping his eyes on me. “Does that upset you?”
I ran my hands over the bare skin of my collarbone as my body became too hot for the light sweater I was wearing. “It’s good for her.”
“She has something to distract her. I’m sure she misses him just as much as Adam and you,” Jesse replied, cocking his head at me. “Speaking of distractions– I have a proposition for you.”
I raised an eyebrow at him, glad for a change in subject. “The last time you said that I ended up with a credit card and a new job title,” I said with a smile. “Keep talking.”
“You’re a stellar branding expert…and an amazing photographer. The quality we get from you is fabulous.”
“Thank you?” I replied, questioning the silent but at the end of the sentence.
“So I have a friend getting married…and they need a photographer. I thought you might be interested?”
I stared at him without blinking for a moment before I realized my mouth was hanging open. “Really? I mean, I have no experience with like live action shots.”
Jesse rubbed his chin as he looked at me. “I’ve seen your style of shooting — you try to make it live action. I think you’ll be just fine. So are you in?”
My eyes fell back down to the pad of paper, and I found myself rubbing my temples. A wedding wasn’t something I ever thought about doing, and Adam and I didn’t need any extra money. My chest tightened as I thought about Adam. It was something I should discuss with him, but what would it matter anyway? It would probably be on a Saturday when he was busy getting wasted with his friends, or playing music.
I inhaled, looking up at Jesse and smiled. “Yeah, that would be amazing. When is it?”
Jesse scratched his sideburns, pulling his lips into his mouth before replying, “Three Saturdays from now.”
My eyes widened. “A little last minute?”
“Some people just get ideas into their heads and run with it,” he said as he leaned forward and reached for my pad of paper. “May I?”
I pushed it in his direction with a pen. He wrote down a name and a number.
“Give Anna a call. You guys can discuss details.”
I nodded as he handed the paper back. “Aren’t you worried?”
Jesse cocked his head at me. “That you’ll love wedding photography so much you’ll leave me?”
It might have been written all over my face, and I felt my cheeks burn as he laughed. “Oh, I have ulterior motives.”
With that he stood and left the room, leaving me staring at the chair swaying slowly from the absence of his presence. I looked down at the number before picking up my phone and dialing.
“Hello,” the unfamiliar feminine voice at the other end answered.
“Hi, Anna?”
“This is she.”
“My name is River; Jesse gave me your number. He said you were looking for a photographer for your wedding?”
“Oh my gosh! Thank goodness– then you’re interested?” the woman’s voice was high pitched in her excitement, and for a moment, I was caught off guard by the warm feeling building in my stomach. I almost forgot what it felt like.
“Yes, I’d love the opportunity.”
“You’re a God send, can you meet for coffee around two?”
We made arrangements, and I hung up the phone wondering what the hell I was doing. I looked across the room at the empty vase that used to contain flowers from months before. That feeling in my belly returned, and I realized I was filling that void with work…and more work.
Maybe this kind of photography wouldn’t feel like work? Maybe I could find the part of me I’d lost in it– if only I could figure out exactly what that piece was.
Chapter 28
I tried not to act shocked when I got home that night, and Adam was already cooking dinner. He even stayed up to watch television with me after. I stared up at him as we lay on the couch, and my chest tightened. I knew I should tell him about the wedding in just a few weeks, but I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to it. I snuggled tighter into him, fighting the nagging feeling in my stomach. He would be okay with it–why wouldn’t he? I didn’t question when his music gigs were. Plus, it was an extra $2,000 in our pocket. My eyes moved to the locked drawer in the door side table. There was another $250,000 sitting in there with his name on it. I rolled over, turning my eyes to the Boston Red Sox game. I tried to concentrate on what was going on, but baseball never really seemed to have anything going on. It was more like a requirement to watch it and know what happened when you lived in Boston.
Tell him. The thought fluttered in my mind before my eyes closed.
I fell asleep that night, which was an excuse for not having mentioned it–but the following day I didn’t either. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it when Adam was acting normally– not that I could’ve if he weren’t. Saturday came, and for once Adam let me know what he was doing. Fade Burn was playing at a local spot downtown, and Adam wanted me to go.
Two weeks, River. I forced a smile on my face as I handed Adam his bass guitar, and he slid it across the back seat.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I buckled my seat belt. “So I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”
“Oh, yeah?” Adam asked, putting the car into gear and backing up. “And what’s that?”
I wove my fingers together and moved them back and forth. “Jesse referred me to one of his friends who’s having a wedding…”
“To do what?”
“Do their photographs.”
I watched Adam out of the corner of my eyes. His face paled, and his eyes set hard on the road.
“Adam?”
“And you said you would?” he asked, and his dark tone slammed into me.
My chest tightened. “Yes.”
He nodded as he looked in his rear view mirror and then back at the road in front of him. We sat in silence for a moment before he finally spoke, “So, any reason you didn’t ask me about it?”
I sunk in the seat, crossing my arms over my stomach. “I didn’t realize I needed to get your permission?”
“You don’t need my permission,” Adam replied. “It just would’ve been nice if you’d at least asked what I thought about the whole thing.”
I put my hands up, my palms facing the ceiling as my chin stuck out. “Extra money?”
“Are we hurting for money and I don’t know about it?” Adam asked, and the leather steering wheel squeaked as his hands grasped it.
I sunk deeper into the seat, swallowing the lump forming in my throat as I wished I could vanish into the black leather. “No.”
“Then why do you need to work more than you already do? Fifty hours a week isn’t enough? Let’s throw wedding photography on top of it!”
“Adam,” I began.
He cut me off, shaking his head. “Whatever.”
I looked up at the ceiling before replying. “You’re not usually home, and this is the first time you’ve asked me to one of your gigs.”
I left out the fact I didn’t judge him for not asking me before he went to one of his shows.
He glanced over at me, shaking his head. “I’ve always done the music gigs. That’s nothing new; this is. I thought we were in this together. You already work too much.”
I bit back the nasty words that said at least I work and exhaled slowly before answering, “I’m sorry — I was just excited when Jesse brought it up.”
Adam heaved a sigh, and his hand went to my thigh. “Is it really important to you?”
I sat up at little bit, weaving my fingers into his as he looked at me from the corner of his eyes. His lips were still drawn down, but his gaze searched mine as I nodded.
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“Okay, then I’m sorry I reacted like that. It just seems like we’re not on the same page all the time anymore–” my mouth opened, and he shook his head, dropping my hand to shift the car. “I’m not saying it’s because of you, Riv. Just both of us. I’m glad you’re with me tonight.”
“I’m happy you invited me,” I replied as my mind drifted to tomorrow and my regular trip to see Tara. Except this time she would be at home — home; not the apartment, but with her parents until she fully recovered. I wanted to ask Adam to come, but the idea made my temples pound.
My face must have shown my thoughts because Adam cocked his head at me. “You nervous about the wedding?”
My mind jolted as my body tensed. I could easily lie. It would make sense to be nervous about the wedding. I shook my head.
“Tomorrow is my day to visit Tara…” I began, watching as he shifted the car again, merging onto the highway. My eyes moved to the speedometer. He was hammering the car. “She’s home now–well, at her parent’s house.”
The car’s speedometer dipped down to a reasonable speed, and I felt the breath I didn’t know I was holding release from my chest. He knew how to handle the car, but this highway was– I stopped the thought.
“Ah,” Adam said but didn’t offer anything else.
Ask him. He said you hadn’t been on the same page.
I ran my fingers over the seams of the seat, sticking my tongue into my cheek before looking up at him. “Would you come…with me?”
I watched his thumb drum against the steering wheel while the other down shifted as we exited the highway. The silence was drowned out by the sound of the tail pipe as the car moved through its gears. Adam merged onto the road and pain flitted through my chest as I stared straight ahead at the lights of the city.
“Sure,” he replied.
My head shot up, turning to look at him. “Sure?”
He nodded, giving me a weak smile. “Sure.”
Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) Page 13
