Those were the Miss’s orders, and by golly, the Black-Eyed Morgonite wasn’t about to foul up his first day on the job any more than he already had. So he kept his Magno-Baton raised, with the trumpet side aimed at the little vermin in the dress and glasses, who was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor.
Something metal clattered in the corner. He turned, squinted . . . Was that a boy-shaped shadow, flitting through the curtain of red smoke? Before his eyes could focus, it was gone.
When he looked back at the vermin in the dress and glasses, its face looked weird, different. The corners of its mouth were spreading up and to the sides, as if pulled by invisible hooks. What did it mean? He had a feeling he used to know. He scowled and grimaced, trying to think. . . .
“You okay, big fella?” said the vermin in the dress and glasses.
The words SILENCE VERMIN! rose in the Black-Eyed Morgonite’s throat, but all that came out of his mouth was:
“Ayeh, euhih!” (It’s tough saying consonants with your tongue tied in a sheepshank knot.) Oh no! He was powerless to silence the vermin.
“What was that noise?” said the vermin in the dress and glasses.
The Black-Eyed Morgonite grunted and wagged his finger, but the vermin in the dress and glasses just kept on talking.
“Sounds like somebody’s sneaking around. Uh-oh, what’s the Miss gonna do when she finds out somebody snuck into His Meanness’s secret lab on your watch?”
“Ayeh, euhih!” repeated the Black-Eyed Morgonite, but it was useless. The vermin in the dress and glasses wouldn’t stop talking!
“Or worse, what’s His Meanness gonna do? I bet he’ll box your ears.”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite frowned.
“Or tweeze all your nose hairs.”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite’s eyes watered. He sniffed.
“Or maybe he’ll put a pebble in your shoe, and make you march around all day. Maybe you oughta go investigate!”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite nodded, raised his Magno-Baton, and was about to march off through the smoke to do just that. . . .
“Hang on!”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite stopped.
“Didn’t she say ‘stand right there’? Hm, that’s a tough one. How are you gonna investigate and stand right there? I mean, if the Miss comes in, and sees you’ve abandoned your post . . .”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite slumped. His brain was starting to hurt.
“Maybe I can help!”
“Hmh?” The Black-Eyed Morgonite’s scowl lifted slightly.
“How about if you stay put, and I go investigate for you? I’m real good at investigating stuff. Look, I’ve got a telescope and everything.”
The Morgonite scratched under his helmet, then nodded gratefully. The vermin in the dress and glasses raised its telescope, and stalked off to investigate.
• • •
Lily tiptoed through the red smoke, ducked behind the Dejuvenation™ chair bolted to the floor, past the Dejuvenator™ Actuator, still rattling on its metal cart. She crouched against the Mean-Man’s huge slab of a desk.
The butterflies in her stomach were starting to die down. Was it Kosmo she had seen through the smoke? How could it be? He was a goner, spinning like a top across the galaxy. And even if he wasn’t, there was no way he was going to come here, to the Tower of Morgo, just to rescue—
A small, gloved hand yanked her to the floor. There, under the Mean-Man’s desk, she found herself face-to-face with Kosmo Kidd. His uniform was scorched around the edges, and he smelled like a trash can.
Lily couldn’t contain a happy giggle.
“Sh-sh! Keep a lid on it, mate!” whispered Kosmo. “This is a rescue mission.”
“I thought you were a goner!” Lily whispered.
“Oy! I’m Kosmo Kidd, ain’t I?” He took off his glove and massaged his palm.
“What’s wrong with your hand?” Lily asked.
“Oh, nothing. A bit chafed, is all. From that . . . comet.”
“What comet?”
“The comet I hitched to come save you.”
“You hitched a comet?”
“Aye, nothing to it, really. Landing’s a bit tricky, though. Rubbish bin broke my fall.” Lily watched him pick a scrap of orange peel out of his hair, and it dawned on her that Outer Outer Space hadn’t sent her a shooting star after all. It had sent her Kosmo Kidd. She grabbed his hand, and kissed his palm. Kosmo yanked his hand away, and stared at her, stunned.
“It’s supposed to make it feel better,” Lily explained.
“Oh,” said Kosmo. “Well, in that case, give us another one, will ya, rookie? er—Lily?”
“The Mean-Man will be back any minute,” she said. “How do we get out?”
“Same way I got in.” He pointed to a floor vent against the wall, with a section of grate popped out of place. He peeked out from under the desk—seeing the Black-Eyed Morgonite facing the other direction, he started to crawl toward the open vent.
“Hang on,” said Lily, holding him back by his belt. “We’re gonna stick out like a sore thumb.”
“So?”
“So, I got an idea. Stay put!” She tiptoed back across the room, toward the Black-Eyed Morgonite.
Kosmo reached into the pouch on his belt and took out his yellow crayon. . . .
• • •
The Black-Eyed Morgonite stood at attention. Someone tapped his back, and he whipped around.
“Easy there, fella!” said the vermin in the dress and glasses. “Oooh, that dirty sneak’s gotta be around here somewhere. Don’t worry, I’m hot on his trail, I just know it. Say . . .” The vermin looked down at its frilly dress and bare feet, and frowned. “If anybody catches me looking like this, they’ll know you let me walk around. Boy, I’d hate for you to get in trouble, after the day you’ve had!”
The Black-Eyed Morgonite nodded in agreement.
“Maybe you oughta lend me that uniform of yours,” suggested the vermin in the dress and glasses.
The Black-Eyed Morgonite thought it over. . . .
As he removed his helmet and cloak, and handed over his Magno-Baton, it occurred to him that these vermin might not be such terrible creatures after all.
CHAPTER 24
Oobly-eye, Oobly-oo
The walls of Morgo echoed with the chants of the Morgonites, waddling in tidy, single-file lines, until one oddly shaped Morgonite came bumping and swaying through the halls, busting up their ranks. He was lumpy and lopsided under his billowing gray cloak, teetering like a drunkard. His face was weird too, round and undersized, so that his helmet kept slipping down. If it weren’t for the horn-rimmed glasses propping it up, the helmet would have covered his face completely. The fingertips of his red gloves dangled, as if the hands inside were very small, and his Magno-Baton looked like it was ready to slip out of his grip. And what was wrong with his voice? His Oobly-Eyes and Oobly-Oos were high-pitched and squeaky.
Every Morgonite who laid eyes on him had the same thought: that he was probably ill, and badly in need of help. And since Morgonites aren’t known for their sweetness, this guaranteed that they would all look the other way, and give the weird, lumpy Morgonite a wide berth.
CHAPTER 25
Mark of the Brat
Miss Meniscus caught up with the Mean-Man of Morgo outside the Big Red Door. The disappointing discovery down in the Juvy Pound had put him in a foul mood, but what better way to cheer him up than a nice Dejuvenation™?
The Big Red Door hissed open, they marched in, and there stood the Black-Eyed Morgonite, shivering in his undershorts and T-shirt, dutifully guarding an empty room.
His Meanness didn’t bother chastising the brute—that sort of thing required his full attention, and right now there was a vermin on the loose. The twitch of his whiskers led him to the disturbed grate in the floor.
“Hmm, clever little brat, must have scurried out through the vent.”
Miss Meniscus did not respond. Her catlike eyes were fixed on His
Meanness’s desk.
“What is it?” asked His Meanness.
“Nothing!” said Miss Meniscus, leaning on the desk to block his view.
He brushed her aside. What he saw there made his eyes blaze white and his whiskers sizzle. Scrawled in yellow crayon were the words:
CHAPTER 26
Escape?
The lumpy, lopsided Morgonite teetered past his standoffish coworkers into an elevator at the end of the hall, where he finally lost his balance and toppled headlong inside. The door hissed shut behind him, and every Morgonite in the hall breathed a sigh of relief that the oddball was finally out of sight and out of mind.
The Magno-Baton clacked onto the elevator floor, the empty helmet rolled, and the cloak fell in a billowing gray heap, finally settling on the outlines of two small bodies.
Lily peered out from under the cloak. “Coast is clear!”
Kosmo peered out from under the cloak. “Time to scram! But we’ll need some transportation.”
“I remember a big room full of ships.” Lily stood up, and looked at a map on the wall, with paths crisscrossing all through the tower. “ ‘Hangar Bay,’ that’s gotta be it.” She pushed a button, and the route lit up on the map.
The elevator car dropped so suddenly that she and Kosmo both flew into the air. It zipped left, then right, then down. . . .
They had almost gotten used to the feeling, when the car jerked to a halt. An alarm shrieked, and the lights began strobing red. Another staticky screen appeared, projected in midair. This time Lily saw the coiling mustache emblem of Morgo. Words scrolled by at the bottom of the screen: THE FOLLOWING IS AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM HIS MEANNESS THE MEAN-MAN OF MORGO. . . .
The alarm went quiet, the lights went dark, and on the screen, the blood-red face of the Mean-Man of Morgo appeared.
“Attention all Morgonites!” he began. “Look sharp! We have a couple of bees in our bonnet: one star-bellied Spacetronaut, and one bespectacled female human. Find them, and deliver them to me, whole.”
Then His Meanness leaned in so close to the screen that Lily felt the hot breath from his nostrils.
“Behold, tiny demons!” he hissed. “I believe this belongs to you. . . .” With one hand he pinched his nostrils shut, and with the other, he picked up Alfie by the scruff of his onesie.
“Alfie!” cried Lily.
“Argos!” cried Kosmo.
“If you’d like me to spare your malodorous little comrade, come forth and receive your due discipline. It won’t be cake and ice cream, but you will leave here intact. If you refuse, I will scour this tower from top to bottom, and when I find you, your punishment will be of a more . . . permanent nature. So, unless you wish to feel the full vigor of my sting, I suggest you both meet me at Skydock A, upon the stroke of . . .” He pushed aside his gauntlet, to look at his wristwatch. “Seven forty-three. Over and out!”
The screen rippled and vanished. The lights came back on, and the elevator resumed its descent. Lily searched the controls. . . .
“Skydock A . . . Skydock A . . . Aha!” She pressed a button. The car screeched to a halt, flattening her and Kosmo against the floor, then shot upward.
“What are you doing?” asked Kosmo.
“We’ve gotta go get Argos! I mean, Alfie!”
“His Royal Redness will gut us like fish!” He slapped the Hangar Bay button. The car jerked to a stop, and flew downward again.
“He said he’d let us go.”
“And you buy that, do you?”
“Well, what else can we do? I can’t just let the Mean-Man have him.” She hit the controls, the car stopped, and shot upward again.
“I’ll tell you what else we can do: steal us a starship and skedaddle!”
Lily narrowed her eyes at Kosmo so coldly, that he shrank inside himself.
“What! You think I don’t want to go save old Argos, after all the times he’s saved my neck? Of course I do! But this is the Mean-Man of bleeding Morgo we’re talking about!”
“All right already.” Lily pushed a red button shaped like a stop sign, and the elevator scraped to a complete stop. “Why are you so afraid of the Mean-Man of Morgo?”
“Fine, I’ll tell you. He . . . He spa-nfftmh—” He put his gloved hands over his face. Lily pulled them away.
“He what?”
“HE SPANKED ME!” His words echoed off the walls.
“Gosh,” said Lily, wishing she had a better expression handy.
“Aye. Me, Kosmo Kidd, Juvenile of Juveniles, spanked! One minute we’re on Planet Moltar, His Meanness and me, having your normal everyday duel to the death, when suddenly my ray gun goes dead—turns out ol’ Gernsback forgot to charge the bleeding thing. Well, His Meanness gets the upper hand, and what does he do? Freeze me with his Ice Ray? Or feed me to the Great Magma Worm of Moltar, like any decent space villain would? No! He lays me across his knee . . . and . . .” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m no chicken. Spacetronaut’s honor, I’m not.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Of course! That’s why there’s just one thing to do.”
“Uh-oh. What’s that?” asked Kosmo.
“Go look the Mean-Man in the eye, and tell him, once and for all . . .”
“Tell him what?”
“Nobody spanks Kosmo Kidd.”
“Aye, nobody!”
“Nobody spanks Kosmo Kidd!” shouted Lily.
“Nobody spanks Kosmo Kidd!” Kosmo repeated.
“Like you mean it!” said Lily.
“NOBODY SPANKS KOSMO KIDD!” snarled Kosmo. He pounded the controls, and the car hurtled up the elevator shaft.
CHAPTER 27
Showdown at Skydock A
In the Murky Way, every third cycle, between the hours of seven and eight p.m., the three suns of Ophos align. Their rays collide with the red vapors of the nebula, and ignite a prismatic pinwheel of radiant sky fire. And in all of Morgo, there is no better place to view this spectacle than from the Mean-Man of Morgo’s personal terrace on Skydock A. So, say what you will about His Meanness—he did know how to choose a dramatic backdrop for a climax.
Two rows of Morgonites formed a path to the end of the terrace, where the Mean-Man stood, with a wheel of fire at his back, and the Sidearm Dejuvenator™ tucked in a holster on his hip. To his right stood the Black-Eyed Morgonite (in a fresh uniform), his knees buckling under the strain of the gigantic Dejuvenator™ Actuator strapped to his back, powering His Meanness’s pistol by way of its long, coiled cable. And to the Mean-Man’s left stood Miss Meniscus, holding Alfie, dangling in a net.
DING! An elevator door hissed open, and at seven forty-three on the dot, out stepped Lily Lupino. She stared down the path between the Morgonites at the Mean-Man of Morgo. He looked at his wristwatch.
“Right on time, vermin!” he shouted across the terrace.
“I want my brother back!” Lily shouted.
“I believe I was quite clear. I called for two troublesome vermin, yet I see only one of you. Where’s your wee cohort?”
Kosmo peered out of the elevator, then slowly stepped out onto the terrace, and stood next to Lily. The door hissed shut behind him. At the sight of the Spacetronaut, the Mean-Man’s mustache rippled, and his eyes twinkled with cruelty. He snapped his fingers, and the Morgonites closed in behind Lily and Kosmo.
“Charge the Actuator!” cried the Mean-Man. The Black-Eyed Morgonite flipped a switch, and the Dejuvenator™ Actuator on his back began to rattle and glow.
“Hey!” shouted Lily. “You said you’d let us go!”
“Oh, and I will, just as soon as you’ve had your medicine!”
“See, what did I tell you?” groaned Kosmo under his breath.
“Hmm? What was that?” shouted His Meanness. “Don’t you know it’s rude to whisper?”
Lily cupped her hand, whispered something in Kosmo’s ear, and patted him on the back. Kosmo puffed up his chest, put his fists on his hips—growing a few inches before Lily’s eyes�
��and from deep in his belly, he hollered across the terrace:
“NOBODY SPANKS KOSMO KIDD!”
The Mean-Man half smiled, half sneered, coiling his finger through his mustache. Miss Meniscus tittered.
“So . . . ,” the Mean-Man began, sauntering across the terrace toward Lily and Kosmo. “Here you are at last, Spacetronaut. I was beginning to think that latest chastening I gave you back on Planet Moltar had scared you off for good.” (This probably sounds familiar. His Meanness figured it was a perfectly good speech, so why let it go to waste?) “Yet here you are, bless you, shivering like a trapped rat, as the curtain draws back for the final act of our galactic pas de deux! Now, Kosmo Kidd, look on me, ye naughty, and—”
The Dejuvenator™ pistol was suddenly yanked out of his holster by its cable, which was stretched to its full length. The pistol landed—clackity-clack—on the floor. As the Mean-Man bent over to pick it up, he caught Lily and Kosmo smirking.
“What are you two grinning at!” he shouted, and slid the pistol back into its holster. “Where was I? Oh yes. Look on me, ye naughty and—”
Lily’s and Kosmo’s smiles turned into giggles.
“Cease your snickering!”
But Lily and Kosmo couldn’t, or wouldn’t, contain their laughter.
“What’s wrong with them?” the Mean-Man asked. “Why aren’t they terrified?” Miss Meniscus shrugged, wide-eyed, as Alfie, in his net, began to giggle as well. Soon even a few Morgonites were making low, clucking sounds that almost sounded like laughter.
“So be it, brats!” roared the Mean-Man, drawing the Devunator™ pistol. “This should curtail those tiresome titters. We’ll start with the female. Restrain the specimen!” The Morgonites separated Lily and Kosmo. Two Morgonites held Lily in place, and Lily stared down the Dejuvenator’s™ glowing nozzle.
“Time to grow up, little vermin!” said the Mean-Man. He pulled the trigger.
Lily & Kosmo in Outer Outer Space Page 8
