by Claire Adams
The meeting didn’t happen that day, but I spoke to my real-estate agent. She sent over pictures from a new house out in California. It was just ten miles from the resort and right on the water. The second I saw it, I knew it was the one.
“Josie!” I called. “Come see this!”
Her soft footsteps grew stronger as she padded across the living room toward me. I knew I should be at the office, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her yet. Not after everything that happened.
“What is it?”
“Look at this house,” I said. I spun my computer around for her to see. She looked at the pictures of the house while I slowly flipped through them. Her eyes lit up when she saw the view from the patio.
“The ocean,” she said simply. “I miss it already.”
“I know you do,” I said. “What do you think of the house? Do you like it?”
She nodded. “It’s pretty.”
“Should I buy it?”
She shrugged, “If you want to.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “If you don’t like it, it’s okay. I don’t have to buy it yet.”
“No,” Josie said. “It’s not that.”
“Then, what is it?”
“I just thought Marissa would be moving with us,” she said sadly. She wiped a tear from her cheek. “I’m really excited to live on the beach, but-”
“It won’t be the same without Marissa,” I said.
Josie nodded and looked away. She seemed so young as she stared out the window, her eyes filling with tears all over again. I hugged her quickly, trying to keep myself from crying. It wasn’t easy to see my daughter in so much pain. It was even worse to know it was entirely my fault.
“Why don’t you go get ready for bed?” I asked softly. “I’ll be there in just a minute to read you a story.”
“Okay.” She walked slowly down the hallway toward her bedroom. I watched her go with a weight in my chest.
When I looked back at my computer screen, the pictures of the house were still right there. I scrolled through them slowly for a few minutes before I sent a quick email to my real estate agent.
“It’s perfect,” I wrote. “Go ahead and put in an offer.”
I knew there wasn’t anything else I could do to bring Marissa back into Josie’s life. No matter what I tried, I wouldn’t be able to make that dream come true for my little girl. But, I could buy the house in California. I could move us to the beach, so Josie could see the ocean every day. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start.
***
That night was the longest night of my life. I lay in bed, staring at my ceiling fan and watching it spin around in circles, just thinking about the turn my life had taken. Marissa’s face swam before me, then disappeared, only to be replaced by Amelia. I saw her staring at me, and it was like I had traveled back in time. She was right there, inches from my face, so close that I could touch her.
But, when I extended my hand, she faded into nothingness. My bedroom was black again. Darkness pressed in all around me, and I felt more alone than ever. Life without Amelia had been hard enough. I struggled with it for years, but when I met Marissa, all that changed. I saw light again, a glimmer of hope that disappeared all too soon. Now, I was forced to miss Amelia and Marissa. I didn’t know how to handle the pain of living without them both.
“Daddy!” Josie’s shrill voice screamed through the night. I jerked out of bed and was halfway to her room when I heard her voice call out again. This time, I heard, “Marissa!” as loud as her little voice could shout.
The sound of Marissa’s name fell heavily on my ears and made me stop short. I stumbled slightly, bumping into the wall. Shaking myself, I hurried forward into my daughter’s room and pulled her into my arms.
She was crying softly, tears pouring down her cheeks. The second I saw her, I knew she wasn’t really awake. Her eyes were barely open, unable to focus on anything. She whimpered as I pulled her tightly against my chest.
“Shhh,” I said. “I’m right here. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
Josie whimpered again, but the tears slowed. Soon, she was breathing evenly again. I held her for a few more minutes to make sure she was okay. Then, I laid her back against her pillow and tiptoed out of her room.
I was barely down the hall when she screamed again.
“Marissa!” Josie yelled. “Marissa, where are you? Marissa!”
I turned and ran back into her room. Lying down beside her, I stroked her back and held her to me. She rested her head on my chest and cried. It took longer for her to relax this time, and when she finally did, I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. I knew the second I left her room, she would cry out again.
Josie breathed gently, her tiny body rising and falling against my chest. I hadn’t held her this way since she was a baby, just old enough to start walking. Now, at almost four years old, she was more independent and grown up. She always insisted she didn’t need my help and that she could do things by herself.
That night, she was just a baby again. She wasn’t the little girl who could tie her own shoes or who could recite French, German, and Spanish words perfectly. She was just a baby — my baby girl who had to live the rest of her life without a mom.
For the first time, she’d had a female role model in her life. She had someone she looked up to and loved. The way she bonded with Marissa was instant and automatic. They fit together like puzzle pieces. I hated myself for taking that away from my daughter. She deserved a mom, a real chance at a family.
“Daddy,” Josie whispered sleepily. I thought she’d been asleep the whole time, but I was wrong. “I really miss Marissa.”
“I know,” I said sadly. “I miss her, too.”
“Can we call her?”
I sighed and shook my head. More than anything, I wanted to give Josie everything she wanted. I wanted to make her life a perfect fairytale, but I couldn’t. Calling Marissa in the middle of the night wouldn’t help anyone. I knew she wouldn’t answer and it would only hurt Josie more.
“She’s asleep right now,” I said. “It’s really late.”
“Okay,” she said. “Maybe tomorrow?”
Josie lifted her head up just enough to look at me. The answer was right on the tip of my tongue, ready to make her feel better, but I couldn’t give it. If I promised to call Marissa in the morning, I would have to follow through. After calling her for days, I had to give up. She would talk to me if she wanted to.
“We can talk about it over breakfast.” It wasn’t a real answer, but it was the best I could give.
She nodded and rested her head back on my chest. I stroked her back and smoothed down her hair while she tried to fall back asleep.
It took almost an hour, but Josie finally relaxed enough to sleep through the night. I didn’t move though. I just held onto her until the sun began to rise outside. My eyes never closed that night, but I didn’t care. Sleep wasn’t important anymore. All that mattered was my daughter’s happiness. As I held her that night, I swore to myself that I would do everything I could to make her life perfect.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Marissa
“Have you talked to him?” Sammy asked.
I pressed the phone harder against my ear and sighed. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about. It took days before I had the courage to even call Sammy. He was my friend, but after what he witnessed at the resort, I wasn’t sure how he felt about me. I was still afraid he would somehow think less of me because of my old job.
“Not yet,” I finally said. “I know I should call and talk to Josie at least, but-”
“You’re scared.” Sammy finished my sentence without pause. He was right. I was terrified to reach out to Dirk and Josie. After everything, it seemed impossible to pick up the phone and call them.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “Honestly, I hate myself for just leaving Josie like that. She and I had grown so close and I just left. She didn’t deserve that.”
; “You were freaking out,” he said. “No one can blame you for bailing, okay? You did what anyone would have done in your situation.”
“Maybe,” I said. “That doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit about it.”
“And, you should,” Sammy said bluntly. “But, not for too long, okay? Just pick up the phone and call. You don’t even have to talk to Dirk. Just ask for Josie and leave it at that.”
“Do you really think he’d let me talk to her?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t he?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “Maybe because I was working as an escort, and now Josie knows the truth. Maybe Dirk doesn’t want someone like me in his daughter’s life.”
“You mean, he hasn’t called you?” he asked, the shock evident in his voice. “I thought for sure he would have called you by now. To apologize or beg your forgiveness or something.”
I opened my mouth, but closed it quickly. I didn’t have the strength to tell Sammy the truth. Dirk had called me. More than once. I was just too chicken to pick up.
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said quickly. “Let’s just forget it, okay? Tell me about you. What’s going on with you and John? Anything new with the move?”
“Actually,” Sammy said. I could hear the excitement in his voice. “I interviewed at this restaurant in Los Angeles, and I got it! I’ll be working as a sous chef at first, but I’m hoping to work my way up!”
“No way!” I squealed. “Sammy, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!”
“Thank you,” he said. “So, yeah, it looks like we’ll be moving out here right away. Noah’s already here. We’re finishing out our stay at the resort and then moving into the new house. John already hired movers and they’re packing up our house in Chicago this week.”
“Holy crap, that’s fast.” I laughed. “You guys don’t mess around.”
“Nope,” he said. “When we know what we want, we go for it.”
I made polite chit-chat for the rest of the conversation, but my heart wasn’t in it. Something about Sammy’s words didn’t sit right with me. I envied him and John so much for their ability to just jump into a new adventure. They wanted to move to California, so they did. They didn’t hem and haw about it. They didn’t agonize over the pros and cons. They just jumped.
It reminded me of the conversation I had with Dirk. We were sitting on the patio at the resort, just talking about our lives. He said he never had trouble making a choice. When he met Amelia, he knew she was it. When he decided to start his company, he did it. He was just like John and Sammy. Impulsive and certain. I wished I could be like them.
“Well,” Sammy said. “I should go. John and Noah are waiting for me in the lobby. We’re heading over to see the new house today. It will be Noah’s first time seeing it!”
“That’s so exciting,” I said. “You guys have fun, okay?”
“We will!” he said. “I’ll call you later, sweetie.”
“Bye.”
We hung up and I sunk back into my couch cushions. It was Monday, and I didn’t have class. For the first time in years, I didn’t have to drag myself to school and back on Monday morning. It felt great to be done once and for all, but my stress levels were through the roof. My thesis advisor hadn’t yet graded my report, and the wait was killing me.
I spent the morning organizing my apartment and waiting for my email to chime. My advisor would email me as soon as she had my grade. That would tell me if I was officially done with school, or if I had to redo my final year. The only good thing about the stress was that it took my mind off Dirk.
I didn’t have the energy to think about both him and my thesis. Instead, I checked my computer screen every five minutes for four straight hours. I tried to eat lunch, but my stomach was tied in knots. After I organized my living room and my kitchen, I moved into my bedroom. I was going through my closet when I finally heard the familiar ding of my email account.
My old winter coat fell from my hands as I sprinted into the living room. My fingers were shaking as I moved the mouse over the screen. I hovered over the new email, seeing my advisor’s name staring back at me. The subject line read: “Final Grade and Thesis Evaluation.”
I could barely breathe. My hands were shaking so much that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to press down on the mouse. I could feel my heart beating in my toes, and when I finally opened the email, it picked up speed.
I squeezed my eyes closed for a second, mustering all the courage I could. Finally, I looked up and scanned the email.
“Marissa,” it read. “I was pleased with how well researched your thesis was. You did an excellent job conveying all your points, and honestly, I’ve never read such a cohesive analysis in all my years of teaching. You should be extremely proud of yourself and the work you’ve done.”
I couldn’t believe what I read. My heart rate finally slowed, but my head was already spinning and there was still more to read.
“I’ve attached a complete evaluation of your thesis below,” my advisor wrote. “If you have any questions, please feel free to email me. But, as far as I’m concerned, your work here is done. Graduation is right around the corner, and I’ll be thrilled to see you on that stage. Best of luck to you, Marissa.”
My mouth was hanging wide open by the time I finished reading the email. I clicked on the attachment at the bottom of the page, but it didn’t matter. My advisor’s notes would come in handy later. As of now, all I cared about was graduation.
I was finally done. After years of studying and panicking, taking tests and writing papers, I was finally finished with school. My dream of becoming a child psychologist was right around the corner. All I had to do was graduate and apply for jobs. Everything was falling into place.
With my hands still trembling, I grabbed my phone and quickly called Sammy back.
“Hey!” I said when he picked up. “You aren’t going to believe this!”
I quickly filled him in on what the email said. He squealed along with me and even put Noah on the phone to tell me congratulations. I felt like I was floating.
“We’re so proud of you!” Sammy said. “When’s graduation? We’ll fly in.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I said.
“We want to,” he said firmly. “Just send me the details, okay?”
“I will.”
I said goodbye and hung up, still grinning from ear to ear. The rest of the day passed by in a blur of excitement and joy. I ordered graduation invitations and danced around my apartment, unable to believe this was all really happening.
The only thing that could have made the day better was Josie. I imagined calling Dirk to tell him the good news, but every time I picked up the phone, I froze. I couldn’t even bring myself to dial his number, let alone actually speak to him. Besides, it wasn’t Dirk that I wanted to talk to, it was Josie. Wasn’t it?
I tried to convince myself that I only missed the little girl, that my loneliness centered around her, not her father. Deep down, I knew that was a lie. I thought about Dirk just as much — if not more — than Josie. His face swam through my mind first thing every morning and last thing every night. I hated how desperately I wanted to see him again.
When the invitations arrived, I quickly addressed one to John and Sammy. I didn’t have many people to invite, but when I reached the last invitation, I realized there were still two people who should be there.
I addressed the envelope to Dirk and Josie and then stared at it as fear coursed through my veins. The idea of seeing Dirk again made my stomach clench, but I knew it was the right thing to do. If only so I could see Josie again.
While I stared at the envelope, an idea suddenly occurred to me. After everything Dirk and I went through, I hated that he’d paid me. Our time together didn’t feel like a job, especially not when it came to Josie. Knowing that Dirk’s money got me out of debt was almost impossible to bear. But, I knew I would never be able to pay him back for everything. At least not right away.
“It’s a start,” I whispered to myself as I slipped the check into the envelope along with my graduation invitation.
That wasn’t enough, though. Before I could stop myself, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. My hands were surprisingly steady as I jotted down a quick note.
“Dear Dirk,” I wrote. “I know we haven’t spoken since California, but I thought you and Josie might like to attend my graduation. I would really love to see her. Also, I’m enclosing the money you spent on my new wardrobe. I would pay you back for the full amount of our contract, but unfortunately, I already spent that money to pay off my student loans. If I could give you every penny back, I would. I hope you consider coming to graduation. Please tell Josie I miss her. All the best, Marissa.”
I signed the note and quickly folded it up. As I tucked it inside the envelope, I forced myself to keep going. I was already having second thoughts, but I sealed the envelope before I could talk myself out of sending it. Without hesitating, I grabbed all the invitations and hurried outside to mail them. I knew I would change my mind if I waited too long.
When I was back inside my apartment, I sat down at my kitchen table and stared out the window. My view wasn’t great, but it was familiar and oddly comforting. At that moment, I knew it didn’t matter how Dirk reacted to my note or my invitation. If he and Josie came to graduation, it would be great. If they didn’t, that would be okay, too.
For the first time since I left them in California, I felt a sense of confidence wash over me. Now that I was done with school, the whole world was open to me. That, more than anything, got me through the pain of missing Dirk.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Dirk
The move was finally happening. My real estate agent pushed the deal through quickly, and we were able to close on the house within two days. It was fast — almost too fast — but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to leave New York, to give Josie a fraction of the life she wanted. I still felt like it wasn’t enough, but I had to start somewhere.
