by Claire Adams
“Now that you’re all moving to California,” I said. “Josie and Noah will be become best friends, just watch.”
“I hope so,” John said. “That would be great.”
As the night went on, John and Sammy warmed up to Dirk again. Sammy was still hesitant, but the more okay I seemed, the more relaxed he became. I knew he was just being protective of me, but all I wanted was for everyone to have a good time. I had just graduated! Nothing could ruin my mood.
“We should get back to the hotel,” Sammy said as we left the restaurant. “This one’s about ready to pass out.”
Noah looked exhausted and was even swaying slightly. John scooped the little boy into his arms, and we all said goodnight.
“Share a cab?” Dirk asked me once John and Sammy were gone. I nodded, but didn’t say anything.
Josie snuggled close to me in the car, and I wrapped my arms around her. This was the perfect way to end my special night. I couldn’t imagine being any happier, but as we drove toward my apartment, the air between Dirk and me changed.
Josie fell asleep quickly, leaving a palpable silence floating all around us. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Dirk. I knew I would break if I had to look into his eyes. Just sitting beside him was enough to make my chest ache. All I wanted was to be in his arms again, to feel his body against mine.
The cab driver pulled up to my building, and I gently moved Josie over to Dirk’s lap. Without looking at him, I mumbled a quick goodbye and slid toward the door.
“Marissa,” Dirk said. His voice was low and rough, full of the longing I’d felt since I first saw him before the ceremony. I couldn’t stop myself. I turned to face him, and my stomach dropped. His eyes were soft and full of need.
“Don’t,” I said quickly. “Just-”
“Please,” he said. “Listen to me.”
“Dirk-”
“I know you’re mad,” he said. “I know you hate me, but please, Marissa, I have to tell you how I feel. Just one time.”
My entire body was cemented to the seat. All I wanted to do was run, to jump out of the cab and sprint inside my apartment without looking back. But, I couldn’t.
“I love you,” Dirk said. “I think I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you. Everything was so confusing between us, but I know how I feel now. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to figure it out.”
He paused for a second and searched my face.
“I’ve missed you,” he said softly. “I’ve done nothing but miss since you left California. Marissa, I-”
I couldn’t listen to any more. All at once, my body unfroze. I fled. I pushed the cab door open and almost fell onto the sidewalk. I ran inside my apartment building without looking back.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Dirk
Watching Marissa run away from me was the worst moment of my life.
I’d thought losing Amelia had been hard, but this, this felt different. Amelia didn’t choose to leave. The universe ripped her away from me without remorse, but Marissa ran of her own free will. She listened to me tell her how much I loved her and still, she ran.
The cab driver was gracious enough to wait a few minutes before driving away. I held Josie in my lap and stroked her hair, grateful that at least I still had her. All I wanted was to run after Marissa, to chase her inside her apartment and demand to know how she felt about me. But, I knew I couldn’t. Marissa had made her choice. I had no one to blame but myself.
As I laid Josie in bed that night, I wondered if Marissa had ever loved me. Before Eloise outed her, before that horrendous article was published, before everything. I wondered if she felt the same way about me that I felt about her.
I wanted to believe she did, but I would never know for sure. There wasn’t anything I could do to change her mind. I knew gifts and grand gestures would be a wasted effort. Marissa had more integrity than that. She’d already proven that she couldn’t be bought. If my declaration of love wasn’t enough, then nothing would be.
Still, I couldn’t just leave New York without seeing her one last time. Not only for myself, but for Josie. If I tried to put Josie on a plane without letting her say goodbye to Marissa, I would never forgive myself. Despite my own pain, my daughter needed closure. I had to make sure she got it.
Before I fell asleep that night, I typed out a quick email to Marissa.
“I know it’s late,” I wrote. “So, you probably won’t read this until the morning, but I just wanted to let you know that we’re leaving soon. Not just soon, but in a couple days. The house in California is ready. The board approved the move this morning. It’s all happening so fast, but I know it’s the right decision.”
I paused and rubbed my face with my hands. There was still so much I wanted to say. I longed to explain myself, to beg Marissa for one last chance, but I didn’t. Everything boiled down to three words: “I love you.” I’d said those words to Marissa once that night, and she walked away. I couldn’t bring myself to say them again.
“I know things didn’t work out between us,” I typed. “But, Josie loves you so much. I can’t leave New York without letting her say goodbye to you. So please, for Josie, can we meet one more time? Wherever you want. You name the place and the time. I just know Josie needs to see you before the move.”
I sent the email off before I could second guess my decision. As much as I told myself it was just for Josie, I knew the truth. My daughter needed closure, but so did I. The graduation ceremony wasn’t enough. Celebrating afterward wasn’t enough. I needed more time with Marissa. Just a little bit more time.
***
I woke up the next morning to an email from Marissa. My stomach was tight as I read what she wrote.
“Hi, Dirk,” it said. “I think you’re right. Josie and I should say goodbye before you leave. Maybe we can meet at Central Park again? Like we did the first time I met her. Thank you for reaching out. I really would love to see her one last time.”
Those last three words held my gaze for a full five minutes. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. “One last time.” This would be the last time I would see Marissa, the last time I would get to look into her deep brown eyes and watch the sunlight catch her hair.
Shaking myself, I wrote back. I agreed that Central Park would be great, and we decided on a time. It was hard to email back and forth with her, but it was better than nothing. I had to accept that we wouldn’t work. Marissa walked away. I couldn’t chase after her forever, no matter how much I wanted to.
When Josie woke up, she was still grinning from the night before. Her excitement over seeing Marissa was written all over her face.
“Are you sure we have to move?” she asked when we sat down for breakfast.
“I thought you loved California?”
“I do,” Josie said. “But, Marissa lives here.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I do have some good news about that, though. Marissa wants to see you before we leave. We’re going to meet her in Central Park tomorrow morning.”
“Really?” She practically jumped out of her chair. “Are we going to the zoo again?”
“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “We can do whatever you want. Marissa just wants to see you one last time before we leave.”
“Can I still talk to her?” Josie asked. “After we move?”
“Of course,” I said. “I’m sure she would love that.”
Josie smiled and happily ate her breakfast, but I felt like a ten-ton weight had been placed firmly inside my stomach. I was glad Josie and Marissa could maintain a good relationship. Even if Marissa didn’t want me, I knew she’d always want to be there for Josie. I told myself that was enough, that I could let go of my own feelings for the sake of my daughter.
I told myself that over and over until finally, I managed to convince myself it was true. When Josie and I left to meet Marissa, I truly believed my feelings would stay dormant. I pushed them down so far that I thought they would never be able to surface again.
<
br /> Then, I saw her.
Marissa was sitting on the same bench as before. Her hair was tied back in a long ponytail, and her face was turned slightly toward the sun. Everything about her looked like a dream. The second my eyes fell on her face, I knew I would never stop loving her.
“Marissa!” Josie squealed. She took off running before I could stop her. Marissa turned, a wide smile spreading slowly across her face. She jumped off the bench and opened her arms for Josie. In the few seconds it took Josie to reach her, I took in the sight of her body.
Marissa was wearing a tight blouse that showed off every single curve. Her jeans hugged her hips perfectly, and when she spun Josie around, my eyes flickered to her perky ass. I shook myself, knowing I should look away, but I couldn’t. If this was the last time I saw Marissa, then I wanted to memorize everything about her.
I walked slowly toward the girls. They were laughing and talking excitedly, planning everything they wanted to do before the day was over.
“Hey, Dirk,” Marissa said when I stopped in front of her. “It’s good to see you.”
There was something unfamiliar in her brown eyes. She looked at me closely, almost like she was trying to read my mind. I just blinked and looked away. This was already hard enough.
“I think Josie wants to start with the rabbits,” Marissa said.
“No surprise there.” I smiled, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. Everything about my body felt forced. From my stance to the tone of my voice, nothing was natural anymore.
“Let’s go!” Josie squealed. She jumped up and down once, her eyes shifting from Marissa to me and then back again.
Despite my discomfort, I couldn’t tear my eyes from Marissa’s face. I’d told her how I felt and still, I felt like it wasn’t enough. There were still so many things I wanted to say to her: so many plans I wanted us to make together. Instead, I just cleared my throat and gestured for Josie to lead the way.
Marissa walked beside Josie, holding her hand and swinging her arm playfully. I fell back, not wanting to impose on their time together. My chest ached from the distance between Marissa and me, but I knew I had to try. For Josie.
As the day dragged on, Josie pulled Marissa and me around the zoo. We saw all the animals, making sure to stop by the bunnies three times. Josie was so excited that she slipped in and out of Spanish the entire day. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to impress Marissa, or if she just couldn’t help it. Either way, I found myself laughing at how adorable she sounded. Josie always came alive around Marissa. I hated that she was going to lose that.
“I guess you guys have to go,” Marissa said as we approached the zoo’s exit. The sun was setting already, and she was right, Josie and I still had some things to finish before the move.
“Not yet!” Josie said, her eyes falling to the ground. “Just a few more minutes.”
Looking at her face was enough to shake my resolve. I knew moving to California was the right decision. Josie loved the ocean and the beach. She would be happier there. And yet, seeing her with Marissa was enough to make me wonder. Maybe New York wasn’t so bad. Maybe, with Marissa here, Josie could find a way to be happy.
“I’ll give you girls a minute,” I said sadly.
Marissa nodded while I walked a few feet away. I could hear her mumbling something to Josie, but I didn’t hear what she said. Instead, I looked up at the sky and tried my best to control my emotions. This goodbye wasn’t just hard for Josie.
“Okay,” Marissa said, clapping her hands together. I turned around just in time to see Marissa lift Josie into her arms. She closed her eyes tightly and held onto my daughter. When her eyes opened again, they were shimmering with tears. In seconds, the tears were falling down her cheeks.
Marissa hugged Josie one more time and then pushed her gently toward me. Josie was sniffing and wiping her own eyes as she stumbled to my side. I wrapped my arm around her and glanced back at Marissa. She was just staring at us, tears falling down her face.
I took a deep breath and turned, pulling Josie with me. With each step I took, my heart shattered into smaller pieces. This felt wrong. Everything about this was-
“Wait!” Marissa’s voice called out. Josie and I both spun around. Marissa was running toward us. She was still crying, but when she bent down to whisper in Josie’s ear, a smile played at the corner of her lips.
I frowned and watched as Josie began to grin. She sniffed one last time and wiped her eyes. Marissa pulled away with raised eyebrows, silently asking Josie a question. Josie just nodded and then turned to look at me. Her blue eyes locked on my face, and her childish grin spread wider than ever.
“What?” I asked, looking between my daughter and Marissa. “What is it?”
“Why haven’t you asked me to come with you?” Marissa asked. Her voice was firm, determined. Her tears had dried, and her eyes danced with excitement as they met mine.
“What?” I blinked.
“You said you loved me,” she said. “Last night. In the cab. You said you loved me.”
“I do,” I said quickly. “Of course, I do.”
“Then why haven’t you asked me to come with you?” she asked, stepping closer.
Her eyes searched mine frantically. She looked scared, but hopeful. As I stared at her, warmth flooded my body.
“Marissa,” I said, “will you move to California with us?”
“Yes!” she said with a laugh.
I pulled her against my chest. I couldn’t wait another second. Our lips found each other like magnets. The entire world slipped away while we kissed.
“Yay!” Josie interrupted by throwing her tiny body against our legs.
We broke apart and looked down at her. We both laughed at the grin on her face. I’d never seen her so happy.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Marissa
The three of us left the zoo holding hands. Josie was swinging between Dirk and me, giggling and talking a mile a minute. I barely heard anything she said. My eyes never left Dirk’s face. All I could think about was being alone with him. It had been weeks since we were last together. Weeks since I felt truly connected to him. Now that we’d finally kissed again, I couldn’t wait for more. I was desperate to feel his strong arms around me, to feel him press against me…
“And we can eat dinner on the beach every night!” Josie was saying. “Every night! Wouldn’t that be amazing?”
“Maybe not every night,” Dirk said with a laugh. “But, we can have dinner on the beach a lot.”
“Exactly!” she said. “All the time!”
“I’m excited to see the house you guys chose,” I said, though my mind was still a million miles away. “I’m sure it’s amazing.”
“It’s beautiful,” Dirk said. “Honestly, I was nervous about buying it, but it’s perfect. When the real estate agent sent over the pictures, I knew it was the right one.”
“And, you like it?” I asked Josie.
She nodded. “My room is so big!”
I laughed and swung her tiny arm back and forth. She hung on tightly and continued talking. She told me all about her plans for California. Apparently, Dirk promised she’d have access to amazing tutors. She swore she would be fluent in every language. Her confidence was adorable, but I didn’t doubt her for a second. If she wanted to, she would do it. Her brilliance was the most obvious thing about her.
“What should we order for dinner?” Dirk asked when we reached their penthouse.
Josie requested steak, but Dirk insisted on pizza. That night, it felt like everything was finally falling into place for us. Dirk, Josie, and I felt like a real family. We sat down at the dinner table to eat, held hands while saying grace, and even shared one plate of dessert. It was like we were living in a movie and I loved every second of it.
But, deep down, I was worried. I was scared that it was too good to be true, that something would happen and I would lose them both all over again.
I remembered Eloise’s face when she screamed at m
e in the lobby. I could still hear the horrible words she said about me. Josie’s traumatized face swam before me, and I felt my stomach clench painfully. What if we were making a huge mistake?
We finished dessert, and all cuddled on the couch to watch a movie. Josie was snuggled between Dirk and me, but that didn’t stop him from stroking the sensitive skin at the back of my neck. Every time his fingertips moved, I shivered and felt desire burn inside me. I squirmed as he made my need stronger. As the seconds passed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to control myself much longer.
Finally, Josie drifted off to sleep. My fears disappeared as I watched Dirk carry her down the hallway toward her bedroom. I was shaking with sexual energy by the time he came back into the living room. He grinned at me from the doorway, but I couldn’t wait another second. I jumped off the couch and dove toward him, my lips meeting his and my body crashing into him.
He grabbed me around the waist and held me against him, kissing me back with a hungry fervor I’d never felt before. We’d only been apart for a couple weeks, but it felt like an eternity. I hated to think where we would be if I hadn’t sent that graduation invitation, or if he hadn’t sent me the email that night. So many things had lined up to lead us back together. It was as if the universe was on our side.
As we kissed in his living room, my entire body heated with desire. My fears and concerns faded away to nothing. At that moment, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I knew Dirk and I were meant to find our way back to each other. We were meant to meet, to fall in love, to go our separate ways, and to finally accept our feelings for each other.
I loved this man more than anything. As he tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled me backward toward the couch, I could barely breathe. I couldn’t think. I had to have him. Right now.
