Just for the Rush

by Jane Lark

  She gave me a judging look.

  ‘Sharon married me for money, Ivy. Don’t feel sorry for her. I bought the most expensive champagne from the bar and then there was Sharon beside me, hands all over me… She basically moved in with me that night. I should’ve known. But Sharon has a way…’ Disgust, guilt, embarrassment twisted inside me. I’d been as bad as her. I hated myself when I looked back. I didn’t go on. Ivy wouldn’t understand the life I’d led with Sharon. ‘She leached off me. She’s never worked.’

  ‘Sharon is pretty.’ Ivy punctuated.

  Yes she was, in a model way, just like Ivy, but not like Ivy. Sharon’s hard, grasping edge showed in her features, like Ivy’s gentleness showed in hers. ‘Yes, she is pretty, and selfish, and pushy, and opinionated, and—’

  ‘I get that from her phone calls. But you said you thought you loved her in the beginning?’

  My hands slipped into the pockets of my leather jacket and we started walking along beside the water as it lapped at the pebbles. Ivy’s hand gripped my arm as she struggled in her heels.

  ‘Sharon liked to party. And you know me, so do I.’ I glanced at Ivy. Fuck it, it was better she knew who she’d had sex with. ‘Sharon led me by the dick, as Em puts it. Only Em doesn’t know one-hundredth of it. I like things that make my heart beat. I like the rush of surprise and excitement. I like doing different things, risky things. Sharon got that. She’s like that too, in different ways to me, but the same in some ways. I was addicted to all her little tricks. I‘m not going to tell you some of them because they’d blow the mind of a nice girl like you. I don’t want to shock you. But I will tell you, the girls who flounced into the office, they were prostitutes… I didn’t have affairs, they were presents from Sharon. Yes, I played around, but everything we did was mutual and agreed.’

  Ivy’s mouth opened and her eyes framed by dark, now mascara-coated, eyelashes, widened.

  Sharon would’ve had fake lashes on.

  ‘You’ve slept with prostitutes, and then you did it with me last night with no condom…’ The accusation was high in her voice.

  I was surprised she’d let me. But I was clean. That had been the first time I’d ever done it without a condom and I was one-hundred-per cent certain she was clean, otherwise I’d have used a condom. She was a nice girl.

  I turned away and picked up a stone to throw. ‘I’m clean. I know. You’re absolutely safe. And I didn’t do it with every prostitute she sent. She only sent them when I wasn’t paying her enough attention – or money. Mostly I turned them around and sent them away, but there were a couple who were too pretty to pass on. But I used condoms.’

  ‘I used condoms…’ It was said in an insulting, cutting tone that mimicked the arrogance that might have been in my voice— ‘You’re disgusting.’ Ivy turned around and began walking off the shingle-covered shore. But if she was aiming for an impressive stomping-away exit she didn’t achieve it in her heels.

  Disgusting… Yeah. I felt it. I wasn’t arrogant about it on the inside. I knew how my story of sin sounded. But for years Sharon’s little tricks had kept me charged up with adrenaline and suitably tamed – and my bank account open. I’d given her everything she wanted. She’d never really cared what I wanted.

  This was what I wanted. This place. Speed for my dose of adrenaline. Climbing. Lake-swimming. I didn’t need orgies and prostitutes, and sex games.

  Yes, I still wanted sex, and I’d been sleeping with girls I hooked up with in clubs. I couldn’t switch my sex drive off. But it had been normal sex with normal women. And single women. Not the conveyor belt of orgies with innocent strangers Sharon had had me on.

  ‘Hey.’ I caught up with Ivy and my arms surrounded her, then I lifted her off her feet.

  ‘Ah.’ She thumped my shoulder as she squealed, to make me put her down. ‘You should have told me before last night.’

  ‘What? Like I can’t drink, I’m an alcoholic… but, I can’t have sex, I’ve done it with prostitutes. They were high-end; I didn’t take them off the streets. They were paid a fortune. It wasn’t dirty like you’re thinking. God, most of the stuff Sharon had us getting up to was a lot worse than that…’

  ‘How does that make it better?’

  ‘It’s all in the past. It ended when Sharon and I ended. Give me credit for being honest. You’re the only person, other than Sharon, who knows that, and I’m not proud of it, but those years happened. I told her, I wasn’t getting involved in that shit any longer. I needed a home Daisy can visit. I grew up. Sharon will never grow up. So there’s no more marriage, and that was a relief for me. I’d gone to that reunion wanting it to be over anyway. I hadn’t taken Sharon with me because she’d have embarrassed me. She’d have probably tried to get my best friend and his wife back to our room and expected me to fuck them…’ I received a punch on my arm for trying to shock Ivy. ‘To Sharon that’s fun.’ I leant nearer Ivy, because her bad judgement was starting to piss me off. ‘Risky…. Exciting… It made her blood rush through her veins…’

  ‘You’re twisted.’

  ‘I was twisted.’ I straightened up. ‘I’m straightened out now and out of rehab.’

  She poked her tongue out at me, then had another go at storming off towards the car. It didn’t work. Her heels sunk in the grass and slowed her down.

  ‘Sharon’s found a replacement for me already. Some guy in banking. She went over to the bars the guys drink in at Canary Wharf and probably waited for someone to buy the best champagne.’

  ‘Is that meant to make me feel sympathetic? It doesn’t. You give me the shivers.’

  ‘But good shivers or bad shivers?’ I knew what girls could be like – if they liked naughty stuff. Sharon had used to get turned on by me even telling her about sleeping with other girls. She’d have loved tales of Ivy—

  ‘Bad shivers!’

  I popped the lock as Ivy neared the car.

  Her hand rested on the roof and she started trying to wipe the mud off one heel with the other.

  I opened the boot and found the penknife I had stashed in my emergency kit.

  I squatted down in front of her to scrape the mud off her stiletto heels with the back of the penknife.

  Afterwards she climbed in the car while I walked back down to the lake. To wash the knife off and take a breather.

  When I came back to the car and got in, I told her, ‘I’m going to take you somewhere else you’ll want to see.’

  I heard the air sweep into Ivy’s lungs on a wave of awe when she saw the pass up ahead. ‘Wow.’

  ‘Hardknott. It’s an ancient track-way through the hills. There’s a ruined Roman fort up there. There’s also no other way through the Lake District at this point, so the only way is up.’

  And it was up, straight up – although the road snaked its way up there, you’d never get up it if you drove straight. I revved the engine to spook her and drove. There were no other cars in sight behind us and I could see for miles in the rear-view mirror. I’d bet there were no cars on the other side, either. People generally didn’t come here in winter, it wasn’t salted, but the day wasn’t that cold, and the sun had been bright all day. I was gambling on the ice having melted up there.

  Ivy gripped her seat again as I kept roaring the engine when I could. Like the car was struggling to get us up the gradient. It wasn’t.

  ‘Oh my God, you’re mad.’

  I smiled, but I didn’t look at her. We hadn’t talked much since my declaration at the lake. But I was glad I’d been honest. It felt good to have someone else know what a depraved shithead I’d lowered myself to be – at my worst. But the worst was behind me.

  ‘I feel like the car is going to fall off.’ Her fingers gripped the leather even tighter.

  I laughed at that. The road wasn’t vertical, but it was the steepest road in England.

  ‘You ought to know, I’m scared of heights, Jack.’

  ‘You’re on the ground.’

  ‘Yeah, but I feel like I’m hanging off the
edge of the world. Oh my God! Jack!’

  We were nearly at the top. I revved the engine harder, more genuinely to get us there.

  ‘Oh.’ She turned and glanced across her shoulder looking back as we reached the brow of the pass and went over. ‘This place is amazing. I didn’t even know England had anywhere that looked like this.’

  ‘It’s hardly a secret. It’s packed with tourists fighting to get up here in August. There’s a whole snake of cars on this road.’

  She looked at me, her eyes bright. ‘That would spoil it.’

  ‘I know. I don’t come up to the house in August ever, and if I come up in any of the summer months, I tend to stay on my own land.’

  ‘Your land…’

  ‘I own ten acres around the farmhouse.’

  ‘I didn’t realise you had land with it.’

  ‘It’s worthless, really. It’s protected up here, everything is, so you can’t build. It’s so it stays picture-postcard. A little part of England caught in a time warp. But I bought the place because it was like that. I don’t want to build. I’m even considering getting sheep.’

  ‘Ha. Ha.’

  ‘I’m not kidding. I’m seriously thinking about buying a small flock of sheep to keep the grass down.’

  ‘I don’t see you as a shepherd. Get a ride-on lawnmower.’

  I looked at her and gave her a listen-to-me look. ‘I’m serious.’

  ‘Well, I will look forward to watching you looking after your sheep, because that will be funny.’

  I doubted she’d get to see it, but— ‘I won’t be the one looking after them. I’ll pay someone who knows what they’re doing. I’m not an idiot.’

  I pulled the car over and parked up.

  ‘I’m not sure about that, Jack. You slept with prostitutes.’

  ‘I didn’t sleep with them, they didn’t spend the night. I had sex with three prostitutes, and all of them over a year ago. Does it make you feel better knowing the detail?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Whatever, Ivy.’ I opened the door. ‘I’m going to go up and look out from the ruins. Come if you want.’

  It looked like I was going to spend tomorrow driving her back to London.

  Whatever.

  I walked on up to the old fort. Most of the stone in the walls had been robbed away, or fallen down, so it stood at varying heights, marking out a world that had been here a thousand years ago. It had been like a small village up here, with rows of dwellings and military buildings within the perimeter walls. I climbed up on to one of the walls and just stood there, looking at the view. It was an awesome view. You could see for miles up here – all the way out to the sea, and it was so quiet today; there was no one else here and no cars crawling up either side of the pass. I’d never been here when it was like this.

  I breathed in the clean, fresh, cold air. It made me feel better. No, I didn’t need sex or cocaine for my rush of adrenaline any more. I used this place, and if I couldn’t get up here… because I was too busy, or someone was in the house, then I took my motorbike out of the garage in London and rode out of the city late at night.

  But I guess it was foolish of me to think Ivy would understand. She was sweet and sensible, and level-headed. Why would she understand me?

  ‘Sorry.’

  I turned around. She was there.

  I jumped down off the wall. ‘What have you got to be sorry for? That you slept with a prick who’s had sex with prostitutes?’

  ‘I’m sorry I was so angry. If what you said is true, that it was over a year ago, it doesn’t affect me. I shouldn’t be kicking up about it.’

  Damn right you shouldn’t. ‘What I said was true. So where does that leave us? Do you want me to take you back to London tonight?’

  Her eyes looked into my eyes, like she was measuring me up, probably judging the depth of any lies I’d told. I’d told quite a few in my life, but none to her in the last twenty-four hours. ‘No. I want to stay here.’

  ‘With me…’

  ‘With you.’

  I took a breath. Maybe this wasn’t the moment, but it was a one-off opportunity. ‘Do you want to have sex up here?’

  ‘Are you kidding?’

  ‘No.’ I lifted an eyebrow at her. ‘There’s no one around, and there’s never normally no one around; it’ll feel like having sex on top of the world. I bet hardly anyone has done it up here. It’ll be a better invisible badge than the mile-high club.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘On one of the walls.’

  ‘You’re mad.’

  ‘I was disgusting half an hour ago.’

  ‘You’re disgusting and mad.’

  I wrapped an arm about her waist and pulled her closer, then whispered in her ear. ‘And horny as hell after last night.’

  She reeled back, pulling away. ‘I’m not sitting on one of those walls, it’ll cut me.’

  I smiled at her. She was sweet, I didn’t want her pretty little bottom to be sore either, and nor did I want anyone to catch us up here with her jeans stripped off. Which meant. ‘Lean your hands on the wall and I’ll show you.’

  She stood there, staring at me for a minute; I’d lay a bet on the fact her heart was racing. I had a feeling Ivy liked things that scared her and made her heart pound as much as I did. Maybe that was why she’d let me off for sleeping with prostitutes. I didn’t think it would have turned her on, but I did think that the risk involved in having sex with me turned her on. She was a little scared of having sex with me.

  She turned around and stood in front of me. ‘The view is amazing isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes.’ I slipped my arms around her middle and just held her for a moment, but I didn’t want to be too slow in case someone else came up here. I undid the button on her jeans.

  Her hand covered mine before I got the zip down, as if she was going to stop me, but instead her hand moved along with mine.

  I freed my hand from hers and tugged her open jeans down to her upper thighs.

  ‘Oh.’ The sound from her throat was a mix of shock and excitement. She liked risk. I knew it. Her blood would be rushing right now.

  My thumbs pressed against her naked bottom cheeks, under the first curve, pushing them up as I looked down, checking out the colour. Today her thong was dark purple.

  If she knew how sexy she was she wouldn’t be here with me, she’d be somewhere else making a fortune out of it, but not on her back. Ivy was not like that – not like Sharon.

  ‘Rest your hands on the wall,’ I said as I slid her thong down to her thighs too.

  ‘What if someone comes?’

  ‘You can see down the hill.’ I undid my belt.

  ‘But what if someone comes up the other side?’

  I freed my button. ‘We’ll hear the car doors shutting if anyone is coming up here.’ I slid down my zip – and this isn’t going to take long.

  I gripped her hip. Her pale bottom cheeks were cold already. ‘Lean over more.’

  ‘Jack…’ My name was said with a plea that was half terror—I don’t think we should be doing this, and half – please get on and do it.

  I angled everything and pushed into her.

  The air was cold, but she was warm inside, really hot. I withdrew and pushed back in, my fingers gripping at the point where her long legs joined her hips. My middle finger could feel her pulse racing. I watched myself withdrawing into the cold, steaming from the heat of her, then slid back in to get another dose of her warmth. Her body embraced me, giving me far more comfort than the hug she’d given me this morning.

  But we weren’t up here for a slow ride. ‘Look out at the world, Ivy, look at it. Now you and I are the king and queen of it.’

  She was looking, and I knew she was feeling the awe of sexual bliss and nature’s magic combined. I bet she really did feel like a queen. I felt like a king.

  I powered into her, over and over, my belt buckle banging against her leg as my hips hit her backside. She couldn’t move, her jeans and her thong had
her tied up. It made this sexier, and her sweet little sounds misted in the air each time I pushed in, with a note that was like she couldn’t help herself from making noise.

  My fingers gripped her harder as her scent lifted on the cold air. I pulled her back against me and shoved myself in. Her bottom was beautiful, so pretty.

  When she came her body was like a furnace of molten gold, and it pulled at me to come too, drowning me in fluid as her scent became the headiest perfume, infusing the air all around us.

  I fell, toppling off the world, absorbed in the flood that washed around my limbs, sweeping in like a wave crashing against cliffs. This was why I’d played along with Sharon’s games, because there was a rush that only came from sex.

  I let go of Ivy, slid out of her, with a sigh, then pulled my jeans up.

  She pulled up her thong and then her jeans as I did up my fly.

  She’d be sticky for the rest of the day, walking around marked by me, and I’d smell of her for the rest of the day. I liked that idea.

  She glanced at the entrance to the ruined fort as she did up her button.

  ‘If anyone had come up here, Ivy, I would have stopped.’

  She looked at me, her eyes saying contradictory things. ‘You said we’d have nasty sex; I do feel dirty. Sharing you with prostitutes doesn’t feel nice.’

  You still did it with me! ‘Oh fucking hell. Let it go or say you want to go back to London and we’ll drive down there now. I’ll post your stuff via Parcel Force when they’re open again. I was honest with you because you aren’t some random girl, I just… Oh I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to be up here with me, I’ll drive you back. I guess I broke our contract. There was probably a clause I missed in the small print on it that said tell me if you’ve had sex with prostitutes before I let you fuck me.’

  I reached into my pocket and pulled out the napkin she’d written on. ‘Here, in fact, take your contract back. The only thing we agreed on was that we’d come up here and have sex. Agreement fulfilled. Coming out here and looking at all of this, that wasn’t in the deal. We had an agreement for a moment in time, Ivy, past and future didn’t come into it, they shouldn’t matter – this was about now.’