by Jane Lark
‘I only said don’t text me at work. You could have contacted me in the evening, but you didn’t.’
‘I wasn’t the one who said ‘don’t text’. I said something; you shut me down. The next move was yours. But anyway, I don’t want to know what you have to say, I don’t care. I have stuff going on in my life too. I’d rather you left.’
His brow furrowed. Had he really thought I’d agree to go away with him?
Maybe he had, because he was a control freak.
‘I didn’t know I’d done anything that wrong. I was playing it cool, as we’d agreed. I thought you might have moved on but…’
‘You haven’t even looked at me at work; you asked Phil to work with me so you didn’t have to. Yes, that was really cool. Thanks. And everyone’s assumed it’s my fault. They all think I’ve insulted you somehow.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I can’t deal with you, that’s all—’
‘Deal with me… You don’t need to. I can—’
‘I keep saying the wrong thing. I knew I would. That’s why I haven’t tried talking to you in the office. I can’t deal with what I think about you, that’s what I mean. I think about us having sex. I can’t be professional with you. So it was easier to not work with you, sorry. You’ve still done well.’
‘Like I said. Thank you.’
His hands slipped out of his pockets, then he picked up the post and moved it so he could sit next to me on the bed, uninvited. His elbows rested on his knees, but he didn’t look at me, he looked at the floor. I noticed his heel tapping. I wondered if he’d had a joint since leaving work. He was still wound up.
‘I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I’m not good at chasing women. I don’t usually have to chase them. But we got on at Christmas. I enjoyed your company. Now I have a weekend free… I’ve been debating with myself all week how to approach you, and I didn’t want to text. So I’m here.’ His head turned to look at me, but he didn’t straighten up. ‘I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see you for more than one weekend. We could spend every other weekend together if you want—’
‘Not if you’re going to treat me like shit at work, and not if all you want is sex. I’m not into being used like that.’
He straightened up, his hands falling on to his thighs. ‘If I promise to be more relaxed at work, will you come out with me? No sex required.’
My innards jumped, back-flipping at the chance of being with Jack again, even after all these weeks of being ignored. It made me loathe my bad side. But I wasn’t going to forgive him just like that, or let him think he could come and pick me up, like a takeaway order, whenever he wanted. ‘I told you I’m busy this weekend. Maybe in a fortnight, when I can see whether you’re really sorry.’ I lifted my eyebrows at him.
‘And now?’
‘You can go.’
‘Really…’
I bet no other woman had told him, and all his raunchy, bossy, masculine energy, to fuck off. ‘You can’t order me in when you want, Jack, just because you have a weekend free. Not like New Year’s Eve. The way you treated me then was mean. I’m not the type you’re used to.’ A prostitute.
He stood up. ‘I know. So what is this? Am I on probation?’
‘You have to earn the opportunity to be on probation. Pass the test in the next two weeks and I might believe you and put you on probation and try you out.’
He smiled. ‘That’s fair, if I get a chance. I’ll see you at work, then.’
‘You might, if you bother looking at me.’
‘I’ll see you at work, Ivy.’
When I shut the door behind him, I pressed my forehead against it, my hand on the handle again. I couldn’t believe he’d come over. I really didn’t need the complication of Jack playing with me again. I’d got over that. But my tummy was turning a dozen somersaults with stupid, blind excitement, from the adrenaline rush Jack always brought with him.
My phone rang.
Jeez, I was Miss Popular tonight.
I picked up my phone and touched the answer icon. ‘Hi, Rick.’
‘You okay? You sound pissed off.’
‘I’m alright. Bad day at work and a bad day with the post. Why did you call? How are you? Mum was telling me this week you’ve had some time off work, are you alright?’
‘I’m fine. The doctor signed me off with stress, that’s all. Work’s been too busy. It was getting to me. I’m only off for a couple of weeks ‘til I get myself sorted. I wondered if you wanted to go for a drink tonight.’
‘I was going to go and see Milly.’ I hadn’t planned it, but after the post and Jack’s visit, I needed to talk to her. ‘Are you feeling really down?’
‘I’ll survive. Sure you don’t want to get together? What about tomorrow?’
‘I’m going home tomorrow. Sorry. Maybe next week.’
‘Okay, let’s make a date for next Friday. I could meet you outside work and we could go out for dinner if you want?’
‘Friday sounds cool, but pick me up here so I can change before we go out and text me and let me know what time.’
‘Okay. I’ll look forward to it. Bye.’
‘See you later.’
I touched the icon to end the call.
Rick and I had become grown up about our breakup, and now Jack and I had become childish.
I sighed. But as I did I looked up Milly’s number, then rang her. ‘Hi. What are you up to?’
‘Steve and I are curled up watching TV and eating Chinese. Why?’
‘Can I come over? I want to talk to you, but if I do, you have to swear not to tell Steve?’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s about my hot guy from Christmas and Steve might mention it to Rick and that’s not fair on Rick.’
‘Okay, I promise. Come over, we’ll talk in the kitchen, and I’ll turn the TV up so Steve can’t hear.’ She laughed as I heard Steve say something in the background. ‘But give us half an hour to finish eating and then come over.’
‘See you later.’
‘See you in a bit.’
I threw my phone on the bed, had a shower and then dressed up, purely to feel better.
I slipped my coat back on, wrapped a scarf around my neck and put the hat Jack had bought me on. Then went out and locked up. I’d left my bag. I just had my phone and purse in my pockets. I preferred not to carry a bag at night when I was walking alone. To be safer. I still had loads of Rick-like risk-averse habits.
My black-heeled boots clicked on the pavement as I walked along the path. Milly and Steve lived one stop along on the underground. I could walk it but at night I preferred to use the tube. The sound of my heels on the pavement echoed along the quiet street, dancing about the trees, which ran the length of it. My breath steamed in the air.
I heard a noise behind me and looked back. It sounded like someone else walking, but no one was there.
Maybe a cat or a fox had knocked something over.
When I got to the end of the road and turned the corner, I still had a feeling someone was there. I glanced back again. But the street looked empty.
My hands in my pockets, I carried on until I reached the tube station. But I kept looking over my shoulder as I rode the escalator down. I still had the sense that someone was following me. There were about ten people on the escalator; it could be any one of them – there was no one I recognised. But no one seemed to care what I was doing.
Maybe I was jittery because of the thing with the post.
I sat in the tube carriage looking around at everyone. No one was looking at me and yet I still had the sensation when I walked to Milly and Steve’s that someone was behind me.
When I left Milly’s I got Steve to run me home in the car and when I went to the railway station the next day to get to Mum and Dad’s I splashed out on a cab.
Chapter 13
My heart pounded out a manic garage rhythm as I walked into the office on Monday morning. Ivy was already in, sitting at her desk, staring at her com
puter.
‘Hi, Tina.’ I carried on watching Ivy. She didn’t look up.
‘Hi, Jack, your post is open. I put it on your desk.’
‘Thanks.’
Ivy still hadn’t looked up.
Everything she’d charged me with on Friday was true. I hadn’t even felt guilty about it before. I’d thought I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me, yes. Obviously not for her. Captain Control – I heard the name spoken in her voice. But I hadn’t known how to act normally around her. There were too many memories, too much had happened between us – so I’d controlled the issue by avoiding it and forgotten about how she might feel.
I looked around the room and sighed out a breath. I was controlling; I knew I was. It was my instinct. It was partly why I’d achieved so much with the business and the properties. It had advantages and it didn’t make me a bad man, and I hadn’t meant New Year’s Eve or what had happened since, to feel like that to her. I hadn’t meant her to feel controlled. But looking back… I could have phrased the text telling her not to speak to me at work better, and I could have said something to her the next time we’d been alone, or gone to her flat, or… done something to break the ice after New Year’s Eve.
‘Morning everyone. Meeting in twenty. Time for a coffee run to Nero’s, if you’ll go, Tina?’ I glanced back. She nodded at me. ‘Put your orders in, people, and I’ll buy the round.’
I left them to sort themselves out and headed for my office. Ivy still had her head down. When I walked past her desk, I said, ‘Morning, Ivy,’ in a low voice. The others hopefully didn’t hear; they were putting their coffee orders in. I didn’t hang around for a response but walked on. I didn’t want it to be obvious, and I didn’t know how not to be obvious with her.
When I walked into my office, I threw my keys on to the desk.
Get it together…
I took my coat off and hung it up, then looked through the post. Tina knocked on the open door. ‘Everyone’s ready, Jack.’ I wasn’t.
I stood up. I had to do this.
Tina handed me my espresso.
‘Come on.’ I led the way to the creativity room, drinking my coffee, then I tossed the cup into a bin before I went in. Play it cool. Look at her, but look at them all.
My brilliant team were all in there, mine and Em’s. I glanced at Em and smiled. She smiled back. That made me feel better. ‘Okay, morning everybody…’ I ran through the agenda, covering the workload for this week, getting everyone to share their progress and their next objectives, so we all knew where we were and I knew my clients were happy.
I breathed out, then I looked at Ivy. I’d used to always look at her, but I couldn’t look at her any more without feeling weird, and I’d lay odds people could see I felt weird. ‘… and congratulations on the Berkeley account.’ Ivy’s lavender gaze lifted and tangled up with mine. But it wasn’t like it used to be, because now there was knowledge and experience and memories between us. I looked at Phil. ‘Well done, you two. Good work, they’re really impressed.’
‘Cool.’ Phil answered. Ivy didn’t say a word. But I guess half an hour of improvement wasn’t going to cut it. I had two weeks.
‘Well, that’s it, then, guys. Get to work!’
Ivy stood up and filed out with the others. One old habit hadn’t died – my gaze dropped to her bottom.
‘Jack.’ Em caught my arm. ‘Can we talk?’
I shut the door when everyone else had left. Then turned around. ‘Yes, how can I help?’
She gave me a twisted look. ‘What did you do?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean Ivy. She’s been quiet as anything ever since Christmas. Everyone’s noticed she isn’t herself, and you two haven’t been speaking, and then today when you do single her out she turns bright red. Why?’
I swallowed. Shit. I’d always known Em would kill me for it, but I didn’t regret it. I wasn’t going to say sorry.
I sat down with a sigh on a bright-yellow fabric square. The creativity space was the only room we had with no windows, and I guess that was why Em had waylaid me here. But, God, I needed to talk to someone about this. Em was not only my business partner but my best friend. It had been tearing me up for weeks and I’d been shutting it out. ‘I had sex with her.’
Em punched my shoulder. Hard. ‘Jack! What did you do that for?’
I looked up and smiled. ‘Um, let me think, because she’s shit-hot and sweet-natured.’
‘Jack, it’s not funny. She’s trying to pull her life back together. When did it happen?’
‘Christmas. She came away with me. We were working late. She was at a loose end and I was at a loose end, so I offered to take her to the cottage and she accepted.’
Em’s hands curled into fists at her sides and her face rouged-up with anger – or maybe she was embarrassed by me. At work my behaviour reflected on her.
‘Then you left her feeling so awkward she doesn’t know where to put herself when she’s in here… Have you seen her outside of work since?’
‘No. But I want to. I called around there on Friday now all the stuff with Daisy’s sorted. She told me to get lost.’ I looked up at Em, still sitting, while she stood. Behind her was the image of the blue sky. ‘Future horizons,’ I’d said when I’d had the posters put up. I hadn’t been able to imagine my future since the New Year.
‘I don’t blame her!’
‘She’s given me two weeks to stop being stupid and not ignore her at work. But I was feeling the same as her. I haven’t known where to look either. Or what to say.’
‘So this morning you dive right in and let everyone know something else has happened between you two that no one’s seen. That’s not sensible, Jack. You shouldn’t have done this. It’s your fault it’s awkward! You don’t bring your sex life into work. Didn’t you learn about appropriate choices from Sharon?’
She was serious. I stood up, on the defensive now. ‘Sharon was entirely different, I—’
‘I know. You’re the problem. I’m not blaming Ivy for any of this. I know what you’re like, and I know what she’s like. She’s the wounded party. You’re lucky you don’t have a claim for sexual harassment on your head.’
I made a face at her. Now she was being dramatic.
‘Leave her alone, Jack. She’s been seeing Rick again anyway. Just treat her like normal and keep away from her outside work. She’s one of the best people we have, and you know it. She has a ton of potential. Please don’t fuck it up.’
Em didn’t swear – except when she wanted me to take notice.
I smiled and took no notice at all. I was a contrary-bloody-bastard, so I’d been told nearly every day at university. It was part of my need to be the one in control. I’d always done what I wanted. But Em didn’t need to know I wasn’t listening. I nodded and pulled on my forelock. ‘Yes, miss. Do you want a hundred lines: ‘I’ll keep my hands off Ivy Cooper’?’
‘It isn’t your hands I’m worried about.’
I laughed.
She didn’t.
‘Jack. Be sensible,’ she said before I opened the door.
I wasn’t sensible, though, either. Sharon had helped prove that. I was a full-on risk-taker. It was that that had given this business its break and my control had helped hold it up – and those things defined me.
I couldn’t be who I wasn’t.
Fuck it. When I got back to my office I rang Ivy’s desk phone. She picked it up without guessing it was me, or she didn’t look over, anyway. ‘Hey. Will you come in and talk to me? I need to tell you something.’
She took a breath as if she had something to say in answer but other people would hear. She swallowed it. ‘I’ll come in, in a minute.’ I loved that she’d started controlling my controlling nature – what goes around, comes around, my dad would’ve said to me. I smiled as she made me wait, deliberately not rushing. She finished typing something on her computer, then pulled a pad and pen out from her drawer. When she stood she looked into th
e office and caught me watching, I didn’t look away, I clung to her gaze as she crossed the room and opened my office door.
She shut it behind her, then turned and looked at me. ‘What do you want, Jack? Don’t start playing games with me here. It’s not fair. I can’t stop it happening here.’
‘I’m not.’
She gave me a hard look as she sat in the seat on the other side of my desk. The last time she’d been in this room I’d fucked her on my desk. That was why I’d asked Phil to play middle man on the Berkeley account. I couldn’t speak business to Ivy in here without thinking about sex. But I had to set it aside.
‘I want to talk to you about picking up a new account. If you think you’re up to it.’
‘You know I’m up to it.’ She sat forward in the chair, perching on the edge.
‘Well, then, it’s the Pitkins account. Do you want it?’
‘Yes. Of course. Thank you.’ The thank you was said with a wealth of gratitude. Her voice was full of pleasure over being given another chance to just be good at her job. It sounded like she’d given up on me ever speaking to her – until today.
Em was right; I should forget about me and Ivy. But I didn’t want to let things go.
When she stood up and walked past the end of the desk to leave the room, I rolled my chair over and grabbed her wrist to stop her. ‘Wait a minute.’ I let go of her and looked out through the glass to check who was watching. No one. She stood there staring at me.
‘Em told me you’re seeing Rick again…’
‘I’m not. Not like that. Just as a friend. That’s all. But it’s none of your business, anyway.’
No. I’d upset her so much I’d probably lost the right to care. I let her walk away. I’d earn the right to care again.
I shut the door of my apartment, took my jacket off and hung it up, then pulled out my mobile phone and called Ivy. I’d wanted to take a hold of her and kiss her when everyone was saying goodbye. If she’d been last out, I’d have tried it. But she’d left on the stroke of five, before I could get near her.
