by Chris Cannon
Do you have Oprah’s support?
a) Yes
b) I withdraw my application
Application to Be an Airport Screener for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA)
The word “hero” is overused these days, so why not? Let’s overuse it some more. Our airport screeners represent the last line of defense between the American people and their irrational fears, protecting travelers from the concepts of dignity and efficiency, which serve as gateway ideals to terrorism. To join our elite band of wand warriors, please submit this document—along with a DNA sample in a single, quart-sized, zip-top, clear plastic bag—to your nearest Homeland Security office.
Why do you want to be an airport screener?
a) I have a healthy respect for luggage
b) So I can force celebrities to talk to me
c) The Gap doesn’t have a dental plan
d) That’s a suspicious question
What might make you assume someone is a terrorist?
a) Shoddy beard maintenance
b) They have a hat I would never wear
c) My gut says so
d) They speak in unintelligible baby coos
What travel item can most easily be used as a weapon?
a) Tap water
b) A half-full tube of toothpaste
c) Anything that is round or not round
d) Freely expressed political ideology
What previous jobs have prepared you to be an airport screener?
a) Inconvenience Store Clerk
b) Dental Insistent
c) Bee Whisperer
d) Mormon Couples Therapist
What would you like your screener nickname to be?
a) “X-Ray Ray”
b) “Jack the Zipper”
c) “Fondles”
d) “Miss Interpret”
What did you think of the movie Police Academy?
a) Changed my life
b) Memorized every line
c) Made me the person I am today
d) Best documentary ever
What would make you add someone’s name to the “No Fly” list?
a) I can’t pronounce it
b) Gratuitous use of the letter z
c) Just feel like being a dick today
d) They didn’t bring me anything nice back from their trip
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
a) I don’t plan on living that long
b) Producing a reality show about things we find in people’s luggage
c) At home admiring my Guinness-record-winning collection of confiscated toenail clippers
d) Right here. Doing this.
Application for Congressional Strategist
Regardless of the reigning political party, members of Congress will always need strategists to sell their ideas to the American people. By “sell,” we mean “throat-cram,” and by “the American people,” we mean “gullible yokels who vote according to cat-based internet memes.” We are not currently hiring for this position, so in addition to the following application, please submit a cover letter convincing us that we are.
What made you become a political strategist?
a) Karl Rove bought my soul on eBay
b) My degree in Art History is useless
c) I don’t trust people with integrity
d) Emperor Palpatine offered me a plate of “Force brownies”
What do you love most about your work?
a) Covering up sex scandals
b) Creating sex scandals
c) The lying
d) Getting caught lying and then lying my way out of it
How would you overcome Congress’s low approval ratings?
a) Focus on their punctuality
b) Change the meaning of the word “approval”
c) Accuse pollsters of encouraging terrorists
d) A generous donation to the polling lobby
What changes would you bring to Congress?
a) Higher pay for strategists
b) Altering the lineup in the annual volleyball tourney against the Senate
c) Rebranding with name change to “Awesome Patriot Hero House”
d) Mostly diaper
What might you name a bill that restricts minority voting rights?
a) The Rosa Parks Memorial Act
b) I Have a Dream II, for Reals This Time
c) The Even More Patriot-y Act
d) Hey Black Folks, Vote for This, It’s Good for You
What is the primary role of the media in a democratic society?
a) Giving punctuation advice
b) Writing pithy headlines
c) Providing a constant stream of celebrity crotch-shots
d) It varies according to what I’m pimping
Where do you see the American government in 100 years?
a) Enjoying a lucrative endorsement deal with Exxon
b) Battling the zombie apocalypse
c) In Beijing
d) Underwater
Define “truth.”
a) Perspective
b) Volume
c) Truth is in the eye of what I market to the beholder
d) Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Just kidding—follow the cash.
Application to Work at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Charlottesville, Virginia
We at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Charlottesville, Virginia, pride ourselves on selecting employees most suited to DMV work culture. Candidates from motor vehicle departments around the country transfer here to become leaders in the field of frustrating the people who pay our salaries. Be warned, the selection process is arduous, as only the most bitter and incompetent applicants find a home in our office. And by “home,” we mean eight hours a day of creating a hell on earth for innocent customers. Please fill out the following form to get started.
How would you describe your attitude?
a) Surly
b) Very surly
c) I fully expect to die at work every day
d) You do not want to get me started
What disgusts you most about DMV customers?
a) They exist
b) Their annoying habit of standing in the wrong line for hours like I told them to
c) Their mistake-catching abilities
d) Prioritizing their preschool pickup over my hourly coffee break
What amazing feats can you accomplish with eight-inch fingernails?
a) I can hold a phone and still scratch my crotch
b) I can dial phone numbers with a nine-inch pencil
c) I can type at five words per minute without a chip
d) I can point a customer to the next line by touching the next line
What made you want to join the DMV?
a) I was bullied as a child
b) I was bullied in high school
c) I was bullied as an adult
d) I like being a bully
What original methods have you devised for torturing customers?
a) When I call their name I make it sound like an insult
b) I force them to stand in line for an hour to pick up a form that should be available online or in a rack by the door
c) I send important notices to their old address on purpose
d) I sharpen the paper clips and paint the tips with curare
If you could have any other job, what would it be?
a) Sith Lord
b) Anger Management Instigator
c) Lion Shamer
d) Monsanto Lobbyist
What’s your favorite col
or?
a) The color of despair
b) Black like Dick Cheney’s soul
c) Whatever color Sauron likes
d) Colors are for happy people
What causes you the most pain?
a) Kittens
b) Rainbows
c) Helping people
d) Natural light
Appendix B
Canadian Glossary
Get to know your new leader’s language
All-dressed (n.): Dressing with the implicit intention of attracting the opposite (or same) sex. Also (food): the works; the whole nine yards of available toppings; difficult to discern individual flavors, but still good: Been a long winter, sis? You look like a whore, all-dressed like that.
Bachelor (n.): A no-bedroom apartment, usually occupied by a writer, an actor, or the creator of a fringe political party: You must be so lonely in this bachelor. Are those your cats?
Beaver breath (n.): The taste and smell of one’s mouth the morning after drinking at least 50 percent of a two-four: I love you baby, but you have some serious beaver breath.
Beaver tail (n.): The tail on a North American beaver. (What did you think it was?): That beaver has a beaver tail.
CanCon (n.): Short for “Canadian Content,” a law requiring broadcasters to air a certain percentage of made-in-Canada programming. The policy is useful for getting children to play outside by preventing excessive quality on Canadian television: Hey, Little Mosque on the Prairie is on! I’ll get the sticks, you set up the net.
Canuck (prop. n.): A member of Vancouver’s elite hockey posse. Also (n.): a term of unity for Canadians: We are all Canucks. Except Greg—he’s a dick.
CBC (prop. n.): The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Similar to America’s PBS, minus the excessive funding: The CBC found a toonie in its pocket, doubling the number of shows it can produce this year.
Cheezies (n.): Small, crunchy, artificially cheese-flavored bits of air. Commonly found at convenience stores and in the laps of high people: I could eat a bag of Cheezies, right now, all by myself. Or seven bags.
Chesterfield (n.): A loveseat that has been welded into a mega-loveseat to accommodate three to six adult Canadians. Also (v.): The movement of a chesterfield onto the patio the moment summer arrives: It’s ten degrees Celsius, time to chesterfield. I’ll get the sunscreen.
Curling (n.): The official Canadian sport for people who don’t like sports: I’m too drunk to play Frisbee golf. Let’s go curling.
Dick-all (n.): Nothing; shit-all, done through lack of will, stubbornness, or intoxication: The government is doing dick-all about the glowing ducks in that tailings pond.
Eh (interjection): The Canadian equivalent of punctuation: No worries, eh.
Forty-Ninth Parallel (n.): The Canadian equivalent of the Mexican border: I wish these immigrants would stop crossing the forty-ninth parallel to steal our jobs.
Forty-pounder (n.): The default weight chosen when lying about fish size. Also (n.): a forty-fluid-ounce bottle of liquor (Canadian rye, rum, vodka, or gin—but not beer): Went ice-fishing last week, me and the boys killed a forty-pounder and caught two or three, probably, forty-pounders.
Gaunch/Gitch/Ginch (n.): Underwear—long, boxer, brief, or thong: I pulled his gaunch/gitch/ginch so high he could taste his own undercarriage.
Goose trap (n.): Where two or more ex-girlfriends simultaneously approach from different sides of the room. Frequently occurs in Canada because everyone knows Ian from Toronto: Bridget and Sophie totally pulled a goose trap on me at the pub. Turns out they were in Girl Guides together.
Hockey (n.): A Canadian sport, pastime, season, way of life, and all-purpose excuse for getting out of anything: Why did you schedule our wedding during a preseason junior hockey exhibition scrimmage?
Hollywood North (prop. n.): Vancouver’s film community, where every science fiction film and television series of the past decade was shot: Hollywood North converted my office into a Cylon base. [This actually happened to one of us.]
Hoser (n.): See also “shit disturber.” An innocuous way to refer to someone who is being a bit dickish or difficult, or is drinking all of your beer. Also (rural): One who, when intoxicated, takes pleasure in peeing on a friend or acquaintance (it is considered un-Canadian to urinate on strangers): Melissa must have drank that whole forty-pounder. Looks like the hoser is setting up to hit Pete.
Hydro (n.): The Canadian term for electricity, which is largely supplied by hydroelectric power: I can’t pay the hydro this month because I’m watching hockey.
Loonie (n.): A one-dollar coin whose value fluctuates with the maple syrup market: Can you spot me a loonie to buy some maple syrup?
Mickey (n.): A discreet, pocket-sized bottle containing thirteen fluid ounces of liquor, suitable for concerts, expensive sporting events, inexpensive sporting events, outdoor events, indoor events, snow skiing, high-school dances, glove boxes, office drawers, briefcases, backpacks, and just about anywhere one might conceal a handgun: If you need a quick pinch, there is a mickey of rye under the car seat.
Mountie (prop. n.): A member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Also (n.): One who is being mounted: Stay away from that Mountie’s Taser, or he will make you his mountie.
Newfie (prop. n.): A member of a strangely delightful and lovable people who live in, or are from, the province of Newfoundland. Also known as the Canadian Oompa-Loompa, the Newfie has an accent that makes communicating nearly impossible (see America’s Deep South). The phonetics of a Newfie sentence: Wre y’at? Da ba! Tot we’d ld uät da truc n hed nôrt, fer d’nite. I’com’ta-bar, ode’on.
Parkade (n.): A multilevel, often subterranean parking lot: Melanie and I used to bone in the parkade at night.
Pissle (n.): The amount of post-urinal drip needed to produce a visible pant spot of at least 3 centimeters (1.2 inches) in diameter. Frequently experienced when engaging in strong laughter with drunk friends: Holy shit bro! Is that a pissle? Does that count? Let me get my ruler.
Roughrider (prop. n.): A member of the Saskatchewan Roughriders or the Ottawa Rough Riders, who, incredibly, played in the Canadian Football League at the same time. Also (n.): A sexually aggressive Canadian woman: That Saskatchewan roughrider popped my hip out of place.
Shatner (v.): The act of kicking one square in the testicles: He fucking shatnered me!
Shit disturber (n.): An individual who, after the fist fight, continues to mouth off and slander your girlfriend while everyone is trying to watch the film. Also (n.): A drunk friend who sneaks into your backyard and spreads out your dog’s droppings to make tomorrow’s collection more difficult: Doug must have been drinking last night, the little shit disturber created a minefield out there.
Stampede (n.): Calgary’s annual hat festival: Are you going to this year’s Stampede? No, I don’t have a hat.
Toboggan (n.): A sled or sleighlike winter vehicle made of wood, plastic, metal, or garbage bags. Employed in the winter months for downhill sledding and keeping dentists employed: I got shatnered by a toboggan!
Toque (n.): A knit cap; Northern Christian yarmulke; frequently worn for survival during the cold winter months. More recently (urban), worn as a fashion statement in non-frozen months or to display douchery when worn during an indoor workout: Is that shit disturber wearing a toque while doing squats?
TransCanada (n.): The eight-thousand-kilometer (five-thousand-mile) highway connecting a string of places nobody wants to visit: How the hell did we get onto the TransCanada?
Two-four (n.): A box of twenty-four cans or bottles of beer. Also (n.): May 24, Queen Victoria’s birthday, the holiday weekend that kicks off summer camping for most Canadians: We have four bags of Cheezies, three two-fours, two mickeys, a forty-pounder, a Newfie, night toques, firewood, and a canoe. Let’s party till we pissle.
A
cknowledgments
The authors would like to thank the people who make our work possible and our lives worth living: Mary Anderson-Van Luven, Denise Calvert, Madeline Calvert, David Calvert, Margo Calvert, Tristan Kromer, Adam Weinstein, Jim and Jenny Bryan and their assorted Jedi, Mark Woodman, Ian Graham, Alvaro Rojas, Oleg Solo, Greg Martin, the Rio Theatre, the British Columbia Arts Council, the Canada Council for the Arts, Point Blank Creative, Zulu Records, the Tipper Restaurant, the Bro Jake Show, the Tyee, Jason Yarn, Scott McIntyre, Trena White, Emiko Morita, Alison Cairns, Peter Cocking, Richard Nadeau, Claire McKinney, Peter Norman, every last face at Douglas & McIntyre, and the unbound spirit of Robin Wheeler, whose heart was a continent.
Portions of this book have been printed in the Tyee (www.thetyee.ca) and broadcast on CFMI Vancouver.
About the Authors
Chris Cannon is the author of five books and hundreds of articles in magazines such as Rolling Stone, Men’s Journal, and the Tyee. A former U.S. Marine Corps sergeant, Chris served in the Presidential Honor Guard and in the intelligence and counterterrorism fields. He now teaches cultural criticism at the University of British Columbia. His work has received awards and grants from the Tides Foundation, the Western Magazine Awards, the Canada Council for the Arts, and the British Columbia Arts Council, and he is the recipient of the 2011 Dave Greber Award. He lives in Vancouver, B.C. www.cannonwriter.com
Brian Calvert has written, acted, produced, directed, or edited over fifty short films and five multimedia (live and video) stage shows. He is cocreator of the online sketch comedy groups ChurchofJerks.com and villageidiot.ca. Brian completed much of his schooling in Sarnia, Ontario, border city to Port Huron, Michigan. He now lives in Vancouver. www.brianMcalvert.com
Copyright © 2012 by Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a license from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright license, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.
