by Janis Ian
On the way out I stopped to talk to Sarah Goldstein, the woman in charge of the desk. "Please keep an eye on him tonight," I asked her. "He won’t want to go to the TV room or anything, but if someone could just keep him company…,"
"Of course we will. Are you sure you’re okay to drive home?" she asked, to which I could only shrug.
"Do I have a choice?"
I told Linda what Dad had said as we walked through the parking lot to our respective cars.
"He looked good," she said absently, almost as if she’d forgotten why we were there. "I mean, under the circumstances he looked better than he has in a while," she continued. "I don’t think he’d do anything, suicide or anything. You really don’t have to worry."
"I don’t know. He hasn’t really wanted to live for a long time now. Sometimes I think he was only waiting for her," I paused, waiting for the tears that felt like they were going to flood my eyes, but none came and I went on talking. "Now I don’t know. I don’t think we’ll have him much longer. Do you think a person can will himself to die?"
"Well," she said, thoughtfully, "he’s so unhappy I almost hope for his sake that it’s not long." Suddenly she realized what she said and looked guilty, but I patted her shoulder in support. It might sound awful, but she was right. He wasn’t happy, not even comfortable. What kind of life was that? Now, without even her to live for. I thought of Ray. We weren’t together for 65 years yet, but even so I could understand a little bit. Certainly, if he were to leave I’d be lost.
"Why don’t you come back to my place tonight?" I said. "You can stay in Joey’s room."
She kissed me and declined. "I just want to be alone for a while. I probably won’t get to be alone for a long time after tonight. Not once the kids come in for the funeral, and Liza and the rest of the cousins. God, there’s so much to do!"
I promised to pick her up in the morning to go to the funeral home. The arrangements had been made years ago, but we had to make sure they were carried out as instructed.
The drive home was tedious. I felt too guilty to turn on the radio and my mind was a jumble of thoughts, razor cut like an MTV video, jumping from one thing to the next, barely aware of road or traffic, like an automaton going through its paces. I pulled up in front of the house, not even seeing Ray outside, sitting on the steps and obviously waiting for me. When I noticed him I felt my stomach lurch. Something was wrong. He stood before I could back into the space and waved for me to stop. When I did, he opened the driver’s side door and waited for me to get out.
"We’ve got to go back," he said. I looked at him, puzzled, but I don’t remember saying anything. I think I knew before he even said it. After all, I’d been expecting it. "It’s your Dad."
I don’t remember much about the drive back. The only thing that stands out in my mind was Sarah Goldstein standing outside the door to his room. "What happened?" I asked her.
"It was strange. Mary came in to sit with him. She said he had asked her for a scissors, and at first she though he stabbed himself with them, but he just suddenly keeled over," she said.
"Can I see him?" I asked her, not even waiting for an answer before starting for his room. They had moved him to the bed and he looked more peaceful than I’d seen him in years. It had certainly been that long since the last time I’d seen him smile. I walked over to see if I could figure out what he’d been doing. I didn’t notice anything at first, and then I saw the cut up pieces of his photograph lying on the floor, and on the wall where the photos had been, merely a rip in the wallpaper where the tape had attached them.
Was it suicide? I suppose I will wonder for the rest of my days. And what would happen if I took those tiny jigsaw pieces of picture and taped them back together? I looked at the smile on my father’s lips and kissed his forhead gently. They had lain together for 65 years and now they would lie side by side for all eternity.
"Sleep well," I said and walked out of the room.
(Back to TOC)
EJ-ES
Nancy Kress
Jesse, come home
There’s a hole in the bed
where we slept
Now it’s growing cold
Hey Jesse, your face
in the place where we lay
by the hearth, all apart
It hangs on my heart....
Jesse, I’m lonely
Come home
~ from Jesse by Janis Ian
"Why did you first enter the Corps?" Lolimel asked her as they sat at the back of the shuttle, just before landing. Mia looked at the young man helplessly, because how could you answer a question like that? Especially when it was asked by the idealistic and worshipful new recruits, too ignorant to know what a waste of time worship was, let alone simplistic questions.
"Many reasons," Mia said gravely, vaguely. He looked like so many medicians she had worked with, for so many decades on so many planets....intense, thick-haired, genemod beautiful, a little insane. You had to be a little insane to leave Earth for the Corps, knowing that when (if) you ever returned, all you had known would have been dust for centuries.
He was more persistent than most. "What reasons?"
"The same as yours, Lolimel," she said, trying to keep her voice gentle. "Now be quiet, please, we’re entering the atmosphere."
"Yes, but—"
"Be quiet." Entry was so much easier on him than on her; he had not got bones weakened from decades in space. They did weaken, no matter what exercise one took or what supplements or what gene therapy. Mia leaned back in her shuttle chair and closed her eyes. Ten minutes, maybe, of aerobraking and descent; surely she could stand ten minutes. Or not.
The heaviness began, abruptly increased. Worse on her eyeballs, as always; she didn’t have good eye-socket muscles, had never had them. Such an odd weakness. Well, not for long; this was her last flight. At the next station, she’d retire. She was already well over age, and her body felt it. Only her body? No, her mind, too. At the moment, for instance, she couldn’t remember the name of the planet they were hurtling toward. She recalled its catalogue number, but not whatever its colonists, who were not answering hails from ship, had called it.
"Why did you join the Corps?"
"Many reasons."
And so few of them fulfilled. But that was not a thing you told the young.
~~~~~
The colony sat at the edge of a river, under an evening sky of breathable air set with three brilliant, fast-moving moons. Beds of glorious flowers dotted the settlement, somewhere in size between a large town and a small city. The buildings of foamcast embedded with glittering native stone were graceful, well-proportioned rooms set around open atria. Minimal furniture, as graceful as the buildings; even the machines blended unobtrusively into the lovely landscape. The colonists had taste and restraint and a sense of beauty. They were all dead.
"A long time ago," said Kenin. Officially she was Expedition Head, although titles and chains-of-command tended to erode near the galactic edge, and Kenin led more by consensus and natural calm than by rank. More than once the team had been grateful for Kenin’s calm. Lolimel looked shaken, although he was trying to hide it.
Kenin studied the skeleton before them. "Look at those bones—completely clean."
Lolimel managed, "It might have been picked clean quickly by predators, or carnivorous insects, or..." His voice trailed off.
"I already scanned it, Lolimel. No microscopic bone nicks. She decayed right there in bed, along with clothing and bedding."
The three of them looked at the bones lying on the indestructible mattress coils of some alloy Mia had once known the name of. Long clean bones, as neatly arranged as if for a first-year anatomy lesson. The bedroom door had been closed; the dehumidifying system had, astonishingly, not failed; the windows were intact. Nothing had disturbed the woman’s long rot in the dry air until nothing remained, not even the bacteria that had fed on her, not even the smell of decay.
Kenin finished speaking to the other team. She
turned to Mia and Lolimel, her beautiful brown eyes serene. "There are skeletons throughout the city, some in homes and some collapsed in what seem to be public spaces. Whatever the disease was, it struck fast. Jamal says their computer network is gone, but individual rec cubes might still work. Those things last forever."
Nothing lasts forever, Mia thought, but she started searching the cabinets for a cube. She said to Lolimel, to give him something to focus on, "How long ago was this colony founded, again?"
"Three hundred sixty E-years," Lolimel said. He joined the search.
Three hundred sixty years since a colony ship left an established world with its hopeful burden, arrived at this deadly Eden, established a city, flourished, and died. How much of Mia’s lifetime, much of it spent traveling at just under c, did that represent? Once she had delighted in figuring out such equations, in wondering if she’d been born when a given worldful of colonists made planetfall. But by now there were too many expeditions, too many colonies, too many accelerations and decelerations, and she’d lost track.
Lolimel said abruptly, "Here’s a rec cube."
"Play it," Kenin said, and when he just went on staring at it in the palm of his smooth hand, she took the cube from him and played it herself.
It was what she expected. A native plague of some kind, jumping DNA-based species (which included all species in the galaxy, thanks to panspermia). The plague had struck after the colonists thought they had vaccinated against all dangerous micros. Of course, they couldn’t really have thought that; even three hundred sixty years ago doctors had been familiar with alien species-crossers. Some were mildly irritating, some dangerous, some epidemically fatal. Colonies had been lost before, and would be again.
"Complete medical data resides on green rec cubes," the recorder had said in the curiously accented International of three centuries ago. Clearly dying, he gazed out from the cube with calm, sad eyes. A brave man. "Any future visitors to Good Fortune should be warned."
Good Fortune. That was the planet’s name.
"All right," Kenin said, "tell the guard to search for green cubes. Mia, get the emergency analysis lab set up and direct Jamal to look for burial sites. If they had time to inter some victims—if they interred at all, of course—we might be able to recover some micros to create vacs or cures. Lolimel, you assist me in—"
One of the guards, carrying weapons that Mia could not have named, blurted, "Ma’am, how do we know we won’t get the same thing that killed the colonists?"
Mia looked at her. Like Lolimel, she was very young. Like all of them, she would have her story about why she volunteered for the Corps.
Now the young guard was blushing. "I mean, ma’am, before you can make a vaccination? How do we know we won’t get the disease, too?"
Mia said gently, "We don’t."
~~~~~
No one, however, got sick. The colonists had had interment practices, they had had time to bury some of their dead in strong, water-tight coffins before everyone else died, and their customs didn’t include embalming. Much more than Mia had dared hope for. Good Fortune, indeed.
In five days of tireless work they had the micro isolated, sequenced, and analyzed. It was a virus, or a virus analogue, that had somehow gained access to the brain and lodged near the limbic system, creating destruction and death. Like rabies, Mia thought, and hoped this virus hadn’t caused the terror and madness of that stubborn disease. Not even Earth had been able to eradicate rabies.
Two more days yielded the vaccine. Kenin dispensed it outside the large building on the edge of the city, function unknown, which had become Corps headquarters. Mia applied her patch, noticing with the usual distaste the leathery, wrinkled skin of her forearm. Once she had had such beautiful skin, what was it that a long-ago lover had said to her, what had been his name...Ah, growing old was not for the gutless.
Something moved at the edge of her vision.
"Lolimel...did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Nothing." Sometimes her aging eyes played tricks on her; she didn’t want Lolimel’s pity.
The thing moved again.
Casually Mia rose, brushing imaginary dirt from the seat of her uniform, strolling toward the bushes where she’d seen motion. From her pocket she pulled her gun. There were animals on this planet, of course, although the Corps had only glimpsed them from a distance, and rabies was transmitted by animal bite...
It wasn’t an animal. It was a human child.
No, not a child, Mia realized as she rounded the clump of bushes and, amazingly, the girl didn’t run. An adolescent, or perhaps older, but so short and thin that Mia’s mind had filled in "child." A scrawny young woman with light brown skin and long, matted black hair, dressed carelessly in some sort of sarong-like wrap. Staring at Mia with a total lack of fear.
"Hello," Mia said gently.
"Ej-es?" the girl said.
Mia said into her wrister, "Kenin...we’ve got natives. Survivors."
The girl smiled. Her hair was patchy on one side, marked with small white rings. Fungus, Mia thought professionally, absurdly. The girl walked right toward Mia, not slowing, as if intending to walk through her. Instinctively Mia put out an arm. The girl walked into it, bonked herself on the forehead, and crumpled to the ground.
~~~~~
"You’re not supposed to beat up the natives, Mia," Kenin said. "God, she’s not afraid of us at all. How can that be? You nearly gave her a concussion."
Mia was as bewildered as Kenin, as all of them. She’d picked up the girl, who’d looked bewildered but not angry, and then Mia had backed off, expecting the girl to run. Instead she’d stood there rubbing her forehead and jabbering, and Mia had seen that her sarong was made of an uncut sheet of plastic, its colors faded to a mottled gray.
Kenin, Lolimel, and two guards had come running. And still the girl wasn’t afraid. She chattered at them, occasionally pausing as if expecting them to answer. When no one did, she eventually turned and moved leisurely off.
Mia said, "I’m going with her."
Instantly a guard said, "It’s not safe, ma’am," and Kenin said, "Mia, you can’t just—"
"You don’t need me here," she said, too brusquely, suddenly there seemed nothing more important in the world than going with this girl. Where did that irrational impulse come from? "And I’ll be perfectly safe with a gun."
This was such a stunningly stupid remark that no one answered her. But Kenin didn’t order her to stay. Mia accepted the guard’s tanglefoam and Kenin’s vidcam and followed the girl.
It was hard to keep up with her. "Wait!" Mia called, which produced no response. So she tried what the girl had said to her: "Ej-es!"
Immediately the girl stopped and turned to her with glowing eyes and a smile that could have melted glaciers, had Good Fortune had such a thing. Gentle planet, gentle person, who was almost certainly a descendent of the original dead settlers. Or was she? InterGalactic had no record of any other registered ship leaving for this star system, but that didn’t mean anything. InterGalactic didn’t know everything. Sometimes, given the time dilation of space travel, Mia thought they knew nothing.
"Ej-es," the girl agreed, sprinted back to Mia, and took her hand. Slowing her youthful pace to match the older woman’s, she led Mia home.
~~~~~
The houses were scattered, as though they couldn’t make up their mind to be a village or not. A hundred yards away, another native walked toward a distant house. The two ignored each other.
Mia couldn’t stand the silence. She said, "I am Mia."
The girl stopped outside her hut and looked at her.
Mia pointed to her chest. "Mia."
"Es-ef-eb," the girl said, pointing to herself and giving that glorious smile.
Not "ej-es," which must mean something else. Mia pointed to the hut, a primitive affair of untrimmed logs, pieces of foamcast carried from the city, and sheets of faded plastic, all tacked crazily together.
"Ef-ef," said Esefeb,
which evidently meant "home." This language was going to be a bitch: degraded and confusing.
Esefeb suddenly hopped to one side of the dirt path, laughed, and pointed at blank air. Then she took Mia’s hand and led her inside.
More confusion, more degradation. The single room had an open fire with the simple venting system of a hole in the roof. The bed was high on stilts (why?) with a set of rickety steps made of rotting, untrimmed logs. One corner held a collection of huge pots in which grew greenery; Mia saw three unfired clay pots, one of them sagging sideways so far the soil had spilled onto the packed-dirt floor. Also a beautiful titanium vase and a cracked hydroponic vat. On one plant, almost the size of a small tree, hung a second sheet of plastic sarong, this one an unfaded blue-green. Dishes and tools littered the floor, the same mix as the pots of scavenged items and crude homemade ones. The hut smelled of decaying food and unwashed bedding. There was no light source and no machinery.
Kenin’s voice sounded softly from her wrister. "Your vid is coming through fine. Even the most primitive human societies have some type of art work."
Mia didn’t reply. Her attention was riveted to Esefeb. The girl flung herself up the "stairs" and sat up in bed, facing the wall. What Mia had see before could hardly be called a smile compared to the light, the sheer joy, that illuminated Esefeb’s face now. Esefeb shuddered in ecstasy, crooning to the empty wall.
"Ej-es. Ej-es. Aaahhhh, Ej-es!"
Mia turned away. She was a medician, but Esefeb’s emotion seemed too private to witness. It was the ecstasy of orgasm, or religious transfiguration, or madness.
"Mia," her wrister said, "I need an image of that girl’s brain."
~~~~~
It was easy—too easy, Lolimel said later, and he was right. Creatures, sentient or not, did not behave this way.
"We could haul all the neuro equipment out to the village," Kenin said doubtfully, from base.
"It’s not a village, and I don’t think that’s a good idea," Mia said softly. The softness was unnecessary. Esefeb slept like stone in her high bunk, and the hut was so dark, illuminated only by faint starlight through the hole in the roof, that Mia could barely see her wrister to talk into it. "I think Esefeb might come voluntarily. I’ll try in the morning, when it’s light."
