“Never heard of it.”
He looks at me like I’m thick. He’s not the first.
“Dude, it’s a joke. Get it? Can’t-be-fucked-itis?” He says it slower.
“Is that anything like appendicitis?”
He’s lost for words, and his eyes search my face as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. I can’t hold my smirk in any longer.
“You fuckwit,” he says, laughing. “Jeez, you had me going. I thought Matt was the dumb one around here.”
“I heard my name,” Matt sticks his head around the door and looks confused when we erupt with laughter.
Later, when they’re gone, I rip open my own payslip and smile with satisfaction at the black numbers on the bottom. Of course the black number at the top was much nicer, before things like tax and union fees and social club were deducted, but such is the curse of the working man.
It was nothing like the kind of money I could have eventually earned doing what I was doing before, but that doesn’t bother me. Without a high maintenance girlfriend anymore I have simple needs.
I’d finally managed to tell my father. I waited until after my first pay went into my account and then biked at midnight to an ATM to draw out fifty dollars cash, which I handed to him over the breakfast bar.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Money.”
“No shit Sherlock, I can see that. Why are you giving it to me?”
“For board,” I shrugged. “I’m earning now, so I want to pay my own way.”
He looked at it and then looked at me. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath, waiting for some kind of recognition or praise that I swore black and blue I neither needed nor wanted, until he spoke.
“You think fifty bucks covers the food you eat?” He opened his wallet and slid the note inside. “Hell, it barely covers the toilet paper you wipe your arse with.”
“It’s plenty,” mum said. I hadn’t realised she’d been standing behind me, observing the exchange.
“I can get you more,” I say stiffly.
Dad opens his mouth then looks over my shoulder at mum. “No it’s ok,” he says. “Fifty is fine.”
No ‘congratulations on the job’. I hadn’t really been expecting it, but at the same time it would have been nice.
Maddy
I don’t recognise the guy standing on the other side of the counter at first, although he grins at me like we’re long lost twins.
“Can I help you?” I ask, wishing not for the first time that Tony had taken some of my suggestions in the suggestion box more seriously. As far as he’s concerned, a panic button for dodgy acting weirdo’s is ‘unnecessary’, and a baseball bat for just plain old weirdo’s ‘illegal’. As far as I’m concerned this is all very well and good for him sitting up high in his office on the second floor, safely out of harm’s way.
“Maddy, it’s me.” The guy standing on the other side of the counter throws his hands wide as if this should help with the identification.
It doesn’t.
Kyle is standing beside me, amused. I know what he’s thinking, but unlike him I don’t make a habit of sleeping with and then forgetting people’s names or faces.
“You’re going to have to give me another clue,” I say.
The guy clicks his tongue. “Bonjour Mademoiselle, comment allez-vous?”
Kyle leans closer. “I didn’t know you speak French,” he whispers.
“I don’t.”
The guy looks dejected. “Shit I know I’m no great looker, but I didn’t realise I was that easily forgotten.”
Somewhere in my brain the connection is made, and the correct file slots into place.
“Albert.”
He brightens. “Al-bear. You do remember me.”
“To be fair, we have only met once, for like five seconds.”
“Twice,” he says. “Although the second time I don’t think you noticed me.”
“Is there something I can help you with? Only I’m due a break.”
“Oh yes, I’m here to pick up some photos for Francine.” He rummages in a pocket and pulls out a receipt which he slaps on the counter.
“No problem, won’t be long.” I pick up the receipt and head out the back. Kyle follows me and hovers while I flick through the photos’ waiting for collection.
He clears his throat pointedly.
I ignore him.
He sighs.
I ignore him some more.
“Madonna Baxter,” he says finally. “You’ve been holding out on me.”
“No I haven’t, and if you call me that again I’ll chop your nuts off.”
He puts a hand protectively over his crotch. “No need for threats. Now dish, who is he?”
“You do realise you’re sounding gayer every day right?”
He waves a hand dismissively. “My sexuality is fluid, and irrelevant. If you don’t want to tell me who he is I’ll go and ask him myself.”
“Go ahead. He’s just some guy from Bee’s new riding stable. I’ve barely said three words to him.”
“Oh,” he says disappointedly. Then he brightens. “Well you obviously made an impression.”
“Why?”
“He remembers you.”
“So?”
“So you must have done something right.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Read things into situations that aren’t there.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
He slaps a hand to his chest indignantly. “Is it bad of me to want to see you happy?”
“I am happy.” I find the photo wallet I’m looking for and nudge the drawer shut with my hip.
“Maddy, in the whole time I’ve known you you’ve never even been on a date. I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with you.”
“Why? Because I don’t jump into bed with anyone who might look twice at me?”
“Are you insinuating I do?”
I roll my eyes. “Kyle, I’m fine. I don’t have the time or energy for a relationship. Anyway, I don’t need a guy in my life to be happy. I’m perfectly capable of creating my own happiness.” I walk back out the front and he follows me.
“Ah,” he says, “you’re talking about masturbation.”
As he says it the music that pipes from overhead speakers trails off as a song finishes and his voice comes out unnaturally loud. I see Albert’s eyebrows shoot up and his cheeks redden. My own start to feel warm too as I whirl to glare at Kyle.
“Sorry,” he mouths.
I can’t meet Albert’s eyes as I bag the photos and ring the purchase up on the till. “Eighteen dollars thanks,” I mumble.
He passes over a twenty and I hand him his change.
He doesn’t walk away.
We both stand there awkwardly, me wishing there was a fire alarm button close enough so that I could set off the alarms and end the torture. He’s better looking than I remembered, but maybe I was just too busy making sure Bee was ok the other day to notice. His honey blond hair looks like it’s kissed by the sun and bathed in the sea, and his smile stretches from ear to ear, almost too wide for his face, but it suits him. He is wearing a white t-shirt that shows off his deep tan and toned arms. I know without looking my own arms are like snow in comparison, thanks to being confined to artificial lighting.
“Um,” he finally says. “So I was wondering if you’d like to come out for dinner or a coffee sometime?”
“No thanks.”
“Could you at least pretend to think about it?”
“Sure.” I squint over his left shoulder and count to ten in my head. “No thanks.”
“Maddy,” Kyle hisses from behind me. “Don’t be so rude.” He steps forward and gives Albert his smoothest smile. “She’d love to.”
“No I wouldn’t.”
“Yes, you would. It won’t kill you to go out and act your age for once.” Kyle takes over the negotiations. “Does tonight suit?”
he asks Albert.
“Tonight would be great,” Albert answers, looking from me to Kyle uncertainly.
“That’s sorted then.” Kyle picks up a pen and scribbles my number on a piece of paper which he hands to Albert. “Text her the name of the restaurant and she’ll meet you there.”
“I can’t,” I say. “Mum’s out. I have Bee.”
“Bring her with you.”
“She’s not a fan of noisy places.”
“As luck would have it I know a quiet one, hardly any people.” Albert beams.
“If there are hardly any people then it can’t be very good,” I grumble.
He holds out a finger. “I can see how you might think that, however you’ll just have to trust me. Do you like spicy food?”
Albert
She’s not coming, I’ve been stood up.
My paper serviette is torn to shreds on the tablecloth in front of me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it, a sure sign of my nervousness.
My fault, I suppose, for accepting a date which the other party was effectively bullied into.
“You want another beer?” Boonsri asks.
I say no, because another beer coupled with the sympathy that is thick in her voice just might be enough to make me cry again, something I’m trying to avoid.
“Just the bill Boonsri,” I say. “Thanks.”
She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. “Silly girl who no come. You handsome man. I twenty years younger I marry you.”
“You’re just being nice,” I say, chuffed nonetheless.
“Yes, I paid to be nice remember.” Then she laughs. “No no, you are nice boy. She no know what she missing.”
“Hi.”
Boonsri turns to where Maddy and Bee are standing behind her and promptly falls in love. I see it on her face. Some people have a natural affinity for the crippled ducks and lonesome amongst us, she is clearly one of them. Maddy is wearing the same clothes she had on earlier, and I’m not sure whether that means she doesn’t care enough to make an effort, or she feels comfortable enough not to bother. I hope it’s the latter. She has a backpack slung over her shoulder. Bee is wearing her headphones and watching something on her MP3 player.
“Sawadeeka,” Boonsri bows. “Welcome. Sit, sit.” She bustles to pull out their chairs.
“Thanks,” Maddy says. “But if you don’t mind can we move to that table over there?”
She points to a table in the back corner. It’s probably my imagination, but it looks dark and dingy and far away from anyone and everything.
“Ashamed to be seen with me?” I joke.
She doesn’t laugh. “If it’s too much hassle we can always leave.”
“No, don’t.” I jump up. “I was kidding. I’m sure it’s fine. Boonsri?”
“Yes yes, is ok,” Boonsri gestures. “You sit anywhere you like.”
“Bee has no concept of personal space,” Maddy explains. “So unless you want her grabbing other diners, stealing their food or twerking in their faces while they eat, it’s best we sit in the corner.”
I stand back like a gentleman and let Maddy and Bee lead the way. She settles Bee into the chair closest to the wall and sits beside her. I take the chair facing Maddy and watch as she starts moving all the cutlery and napkins that are in front of Bee, pushing them to the empty space opposite. I take the opportunity to check Maddy out without her knowledge. Her long dark hair falls around her face like curtains, straight except for the ends which flick and curl in every which direction rebelliously. Her skin is pale, and I wonder if she even spends anytime outdoors. If she does she must go through a heck of a lot of sunscreen. She finishes sorting out Bee and looks at me, arms crossed defiantly.
“Hi Bee,” I say. She doesn’t look up. “Can she hear me over her headphones?” I ask Maddy.
“Yes. She has incredible hearing.” Maddy turns and lifts them from Bee’s ears. “Say hello Bee,” she says.
“Say hello Bee,” Bee echoes.
Maddy smiles. “Bee, this is Albert.”
Bee looks at me. “Bert. Bert Bert, Oh Ernie go to sleep.”
“Sesame –” Maddy starts to say.
I cut her off. “Yeah I know that one. Hi.” I give Bee the thumbs up signal for Hello as I say it.
“You know makaton?” Maddy asks, surprised.
“No, well, a little. I’ve picked a bit up from working around the stables.”
“Hm.”
I’m not one hundred percent sure, because her expression hasn’t changed, but I think I just impressed her a little.
“Isn’t this nice,” I say, smiling broadly to overcompensate for the nerves I’m feeling. I’ve just realised this is my first proper date. Ever. Kate and I started going out when we were barely in our teens. By the time we started dining out at restaurants I knew everything about her.
This is new territory. I asked Maddy out on a complete spur of the moment. It wasn’t planned. I didn’t even know she worked behind the photo counter until I saw her there and when the words came out of my mouth they surprised me as much as they did her. Now we’re here, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to talk about.
“Do you like Thai?” I ask.
“Too bad if I don’t, seeing as we’re already here.”
“I guess I probably should have checked.”
“Probably.”
She has opened up the backpack and starts taking things out. I watch with interest. Out comes a colouring in book and some pencils. For the moment, Bee is busy watching cartoons and ignores them.
“It’s all new to me, sorry.” I say.
“What is?”
“This. Dating.”
“This isn’t a date.”
“It’s not?”
“No.”
“What is it then?”
“Dinner. One that I was bullied into coming to, by the way.”
“Sorry about that.”
She sighs. “It’s fine. I only came to shut Kyle up.”
“Wow.” I wince. “That’s really flattering.”
She shrugs.
Boonsri comes to the table and breaks the awkward silence. “Here your menu,” she says.
Maddy intercepts the one for Bee. “She doesn’t need one, but thank you.”
Bee suddenly reaches over and grabs Boonsri’s hand. She thrusts her MP3 player at her.
“Wash your face,” she says.
Boonsri, quite rightly, looks confused. “My face?”
“It’s a line from Looney Tunes,” Maddy explains, in a voice that says she’s explained the same thing a thousand times. “She’s watching it.”
“Ah ok,” Boonsri nods, although it’s clear she doesn’t understand at all. “You funny girl, I go wash.”
“No that’s not what she mea-”
But Boonsri is already gone. Maddy sighs.
“So. Madonna eh? Interesting name.”
“And?”
“I can see why you’d shorten it.”
She narrows her eyes. “I hardly think you’re in a position to make fun of someone else’s name, Al-bear.”
“I’m not making fun,” I protest. “I was simply making conversation.”
“Find something else to converse about.”
“Ok. Sorry. Clearly a touchy subject.”
“Yet one you’re still talking about.”
“It’s not that bad a name.”
She starts to stand up.
“Sorry! Sorry. I’ll talk about something else.”
She lowers herself back into her chair and eyes me warily.
“So, Beyonce,” I say. “That’s also an interes-.”
“Oh for fuc-” Her chair scrapes back.
“You ready to order?” Boonsri has arrived just in the nick of time to stop Maddy from leaving.
“Yes. I’ll have the usual.” I smile gratefully, trying to look cool and sophisticated.
“Sure sure. Which is?”
Maddy snorts.
“The red curry. With ch
icken.”
Boonsri scribbles it down. “How hot you want?”
“Fairly hot. I don’t mind a bit of a kick.” I smile at Maddy and pat my stomach. “Iron constitution.”
‘No handle Thai hot,” Boonsri shakes her head. “I make you medium.”
“Pfft,” I scoff. “Don’t worry about me. Make it as hot as you like, I can take it.”
Boonsri scribbles something down on her pad. “And you?” Boonsri asks Maddy.
“I’ll have the same. But medium heat please. I know my limitations. My sister will just have a bowl of rice.”
“Bread?” Bee suddenly asks, looking up from her screen.
“No Bee, no bread. Rice.”
“Bread?”
‘No bread.”
“Just rice?” Boonsri frowns.
“Yes please.”
“No sauce?”
“No. No sauce.”
“You sure?”
“Very,” Maddy says firmly. “Thank you.”
While we wait for our food and Maddy stares at a poster of Phuket on the wall, I search desperately for something to say. This isn’t going how I thought it would. Not at all.
“I’m sorry, about before,” I say finally. “I won’t mention it again.”
“Mention what?”
‘Your nam-, oh.” I notice she’s holding back a smile. “That was a test?”
“Which you nearly failed.”
“Sorry.”
“Stop apologising.”
“Sorry.”
“You did it again.”
“I know, sorry. Oh for the love of -.” I shake my head ruefully.
“It’s like a disease.”
“It really is. Courtesy of my middle class upbringing.”
“We’re from the bottom,” she says. “We don’t apologise for anything.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just look a bit like a possum in headlights until she takes pity on me and laughs. When she does it transforms her face, and I feel myself relax.
“I’m kidding,” she says.
I smile ruefully. “Like I may have mentioned once or twice, this is all new to me.”
She shrugs. “It’s just dinner. People eat dinner every night. Nothing to get worked up over.”
“I guess when you put it like that.”
She gets distracted by Bee making signs at her.
“Excuse us,” Maddy says. “Bee needs the bathroom.”
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