by Cassidy Ryan
She was quiet for so long, her face blank and paling by the second, that I felt the need to fill the silence. “I know that this isn't what you expected, or even what you wanted for me, Ma, but it's what's right for me. I've never felt so connected to life before—it's like everything has finally fallen into place for me.” Chaise's fingers tightened around mine as I spoke.
Without uttering a word, mom got up and walked into the house, her gait jerky and uneven. Dad got up to follow her, but I held up my hand. “Please, Dad, let me?"
He nodded and sat back down. I gave Chaise's hand one last squeeze before dropping it and following mom into the house. I found her standing in the kitchen, leaning on the counter by the stove as if it was the only thing holding her up.
"Mom? Aren't you going to say anything?” I stood just inside the door, hands tucked into the pockets of my pants, shoulders tight and pulse a touch faster than usual.
There was a long silence before mom finally turned, slowly. “What would you like me to say, Anna? Congratulations? I'm thrilled?” She sounded a little shell-shocked.
"I know it must be difficult, Ma; that's it's going to take time—"
She raised a hand sharply to cut me off. “Difficult? Difficult? Well, isn't that just the understatement of the year?” Her voice went up a notch at the end; almost a hysterical note.
"Ma—” I tried again, but again she interrupted as if I hadn't spoken.
"How can this be? How can you be—you've had boyfriends.” She sounded genuinely perplexed.
I tried to keep my voice low and even as I spoke. “I've never had a boyfriend for more than a couple of months, and none of them ever made me feel the way that Chaise does.” She flinched at that, but I continued. “I knew the minute I saw her that she was going to be important in my life. It feels so right to be with her, Ma. She makes me happy. Isn't that a good thing?” I had stood in courtrooms and argued for more clients than I could count, but no argument had ever been as important to me as this.
Mom just shook her head; not at me, I felt, but to clear her head. Her eyes suddenly widened and a hand flew to her chest. “Oh, dear ... what will Father Donovan think?"
Okay, that annoyed me. “I haven't been to Mass in years, Ma. To be honest I don't really care what Father Donovan thinks. I'm more interested in what you think."
She turned away again. “Well you might not care, young lady, but you don't have to face him every week. Maybe if you had come to Mass a little more often this wouldn't have happened.” It was barely more than a whisper, and I got the feeling that it wasn't meant for my ears. But I couldn't—wouldn't—pretend that I hadn't heard.
"I don't like where this is going, Mom. Please tell me that you don't subscribe to the ‘God hates gays’ theory?"
She spun around and pinned me with a glare. “God doesn't hate anyone! But there's right and there's wrong—"
"And what I'm doing is wrong?"
She shrugged and looked down at the floor. “I only know what it says in the bible.” She looked so pained that I moved toward her, reached a hand out and laid it on her arm. She flinched, and I pulled my hand back.
"I haven't changed, Ma. If anything I'm more than I was. I love. What kind of God is it who would condemn me for loving?” Until that moment I hadn't really thought about it, but I realized that it was the truth. I was in love with Chaise.
But as I was reveling in this little epiphany, I became aware of the dark frown that crossed my mother's face. I heard the loud crack before I felt the contact of her hand on my face. There was a shocked gasp—it could have been hers, or it could have been mine, I was too stunned to notice. She looked just as poleaxed as we stood and stared at each other for an interminably long minute. Then, suddenly, mom was moving. She turned on her heel and fled from the room. I was vaguely aware of the sound of footsteps, and of my dad passing on his way after mom, then I felt a hand rest on my arm and I jumped, startled.
"Are you okay?” Chaise's eyes were filled with concern, and she raised a hand to place it over mine where I was holding my cheek.
I nodded, but I felt myself begin to tremble and leaned into her.
"Do you want to go after her?” She gently stroked my hair and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
I shook my head. “No, not tonight. Let's just go, yeah?"
We left quietly; I winced as we walked through the front hall and I heard the muted sound of my mother crying from upstairs.
Outside Chaise held out her hand and I dropped the car keys into it. As we turned the corner at the end of the street I saw Ben and Robyn passing the other way. I sank down a bit in my seat, feeling suddenly wiped, but didn't ask Chaise to stop the car. The last thing I had the energy for right then was that conversation with big brother.
* * * *
I didn't want to go home alone that night, nor did I want to wait for the phone to ring or the knock on the door that would herald the arrival of Ben to tear me a new one for upsetting mom. I knew that I was just hiding from the inevitable confrontation, but that night I simply didn't have it in me to deal with it. Mom's reaction wasn't exactly a shock, but it hurt nonetheless. I hadn't expected her to run out and join PFLAG, but neither had I expected her to lash out at me physically.
We went to Chaise's instead, and she ran a bath, lit some candles and poured us both a glass of Merlot before getting in behind me. I relaxed back against her and closed my eyes.
"I'm so sorry about this, baby. Maybe it was too soon for me to meet your parents?” Chaise balanced her glass on the side of the bath and wrapped her arms around me, rubbing her cheek against my hair. I put my glass beside hers and lifted one of her hands to my mouth, kissed each finger individually.
"I don't think the timing would ever have been right.” I turned her hand over so that I could place a kiss in the centre of her palm. I felt her shiver at the contact, so I continued until I reached the inside of her wrist and licked over the spot where her pulse was beating. “I'll just ... I'll give her some time to get used to the idea.” I'm sure my lack of confidence showed in my voice, but Chaise didn't call me on it, she simply nuzzled into my hair and ran her free hand slowly over my body. I felt my own pulse pick up a notch.
"Make it go away, Chaise, just for a little while?” I knew that I sounded like a child begging a parent to chase away a nightmare, but I really wanted to forget for a while, and I knew that if there was one place I was guaranteed to find some peace, it was in the arms of this woman who had come to mean so much to me.
She didn't say anything, but lowered her head to place a trail of kisses along my shoulder and up my neck to my jaw, where she nibbled lightly. Her hands moved to cup my breasts, and in spite of the heat of the water, I felt my nipples pebble under her touch. I bit my lip and arched my back, pushing myself further into her hands. She lightly pinched and rolled my nipples until I was moaning with need, while her tongue dipped into my ear. I brought my knees up and squeezed my thighs together as my pussy started to tingle. The movement sent a dart of pleasure straight to my brain. I wanted more ... needed more, so I took one of her hands, let my legs fall open, and guided it between them. While one hand continued to knead and caress my breast, the other cupped my mound, first one finger, then two parting my lips and skipping teasingly over my clit. I closed my thighs around her hand in an attempt to push her in deeper.
"Open your legs for me, baby. Let me touch you.” I complied with her request and let my knees rest against the tub. As her fingers moved deeper, one slipping inside me, I gasped my pleasure and let my head fall back against her shoulder. She took advantage of the exposed skin by licking a stripe from my shoulder to my ear.
"Chaise! Oh, God, you make me feel so good. I love having your hands on me.” I pushed into the hand on my pussy, squirmed and undulated my hips.
"You're so beautiful, baby,” Chaise's voice was soft as a whisper, right beside my ear. “I love the feel of your skin under my fingers. I love the way you respond to my touch—so honest a
nd unrestrained.” She raised her own knees on either side of me so that she seemed to be completely surrounding me. “Do you like it when I put my fingers inside you?” She added another finger and fucked them slowly in and out of me. “Do you like it when I play with your nipples; make them all hard and tight?"
"Yesss...” My hands gripped her knees as my breathing became labored. “Yes, oh, so good."
Her thumbnail flicked over my clit and I let out a strangled moan. “Oh, God, Chaise. Make me come. I need to come!"
"Yeah, baby. Come for me. Let me feel you come apart in my arms. I want to feel your tight little hole squeezing my fingers.” Her caresses became faster, harder. I raised one arm, reached behind me and wrapped it around her neck as my body stiffened and convulsed; breath coming in short pants.
"That's it, that's it. Oh, baby, I love to watch you come for me. You're so beautiful."
Gradually my breathing began to return to normal and my muscles relaxed. Finally I leaned back against her, exhausted. She simply held me in her arms, caressing my body in a calming and soothing manner.
With my bones the consistency of wet noodles, Chaise helped me out of the tub and dried us both off. She blew out the candles, collected our glasses of wine and led the way through to the bedroom.
We curled up together under the comforter, and as I drifted off to sleep, Chaise's voice sounded in my ear with a dream-like quality. “I love you, too, baby."
I felt my mouth turn up in a tired smile.
* * * *
I looked up from the papers I was going over when my phone buzzed. I hit the button and my assistant's voice advised me that my brother was here to see me.
Sighing, I rubbed a hand over my eyes. “Send him through, Pam.” I sat back in my chair and attempted to look composed even as tension invaded my body.
Ben's ten years older than me and has always acted like a second father, like he knew what was best for me. Most of the time he didn't so much talk to me as at me, and insisted on treating me like a ten year old. It's made for some pretty stormy confrontations between us, and I had the feeling that this one was going to be a doozy.
The door opened and Ben entered my office. He closed the door behind him, looked at me and shook his head. “Fuck, Anna. You really know how to stir the shit!” Then, the most unexpected thing happened. A smile began to turn up the corners of Ben's mouth. He crossed the carpeted floor and dropped into the chair on the other side of the desk.
"Dad says you love this woman?"
Feeling a little bemused, I nodded. “I-yes, yes I do. Chaise, her name's Chaise."
"How does she feel about you?” He looked at me intently, and for the first time in my life I got the feeling that he actually wanted to hear what I had to say. It was all very confusing to me, and not at all what I had been expecting.
"She loves me too—you don't seem to be very upset about this.” I frowned and leaned on the desk.
Ben sighed. “To be honest, I've come to expect the unexpected from you. You've never done anything predictable in your life.” He shrugged. “Dad said you looked really happy with this-with Chaise. I know you probably won't believe this, but I only ever wanted the best for you. So if this makes you happy..."
I had no idea what to say to this strange man sitting in front of me. My mouth opened and closed a few times, but no words came out. This seemed to amuse Ben, because he laughed and his eyes glittered.
"Dear God, will wonders never cease? All these years I've been trying to get you to shut up, and all I had to do was be nice. Who knew?” He grinned.
I shook my head to clear it. “Okay, you're starting to scare me. You haven't bumped your head or something, have you?"
"Don't be a brat. I want to meet this woman; give her the once over.” That sounded more like the Ben I knew, but there was still a light of humor in his eyes.
I felt affection well up inside me. “Thanks, Ben."
Looking own at his hands, Ben said, a little too casually. “So, Lacy's having the baby christened on Sunday. Will you be there?"
"Does this invite include Chaise?"
Ben didn't answer—he didn't have to. I sighed, disappointed in spite of myself.
"Just think about it, okay?” He got to his feet. “Don't cut yourself off. Mom will come around, just give her time."
I nodded, but we both knew that I had already made my mind up.
* * * *
"I think you should go.” It was Saturday, and we had decided to stay in and cook dinner together—well, I was doing the actual cooking while Chaise washed and cut vegetables for the stir fry.
"Seven.” I placed the chicken strips in the wok and turned to Chaise; she was looking at me with a puzzled frown. “That's the seventh time you've said that in the last two days. My answer is the same now as it was the first time, and the sixth. I'm not going.” I turned back to the stove and flipped the sizzling chicken over.
Chaise sighed loudly. “Stubborn woman. What have I let myself in for?” As if to take any heat out of her words, she placed a gentle kiss on the side of my neck.
"A life of adventure and excitement.” My voice was light, but my insides were unsettled—had been for days. Chaise had been tense and quieter than normal since the thing with my mother, and it had only gotten worse since I foolishly told her about the upcoming christening.
"I have no doubt, but..."
It was my turn to sigh. I switched off the heat under the wok and moved to stand in front of Chaise, placing my hands on her hips. “I know what this is really all about, and you're wrong. This isn't about you—it's not even about us. It's about my mother's complete inability to accept me for who I am. I knew early on that I wanted something different from the life that I was expected to want. I wanted a career and a life outside the home. But my mother seems to have chosen to interpret different as better—she doesn't seem to get the distinction.” I raised a hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. “For years I've just let it bounce off me; laughed it off. But I can't do that this time. This time it's too important. For the first time in my life I feel truly comfortable in my own skin, and she's just going to have to find a way to deal with that."
Chaise wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “I just hate the thought of there being a rift between you and your family."
I nodded. “So do I. But my dad's very much a live and let live kind of person, and Ben seems to be on my side, so that proves that miracles can happen. Time will tell.” I felt my stomach clench. For all our differences, I hated the thought of being at odds with my mother. “Now, let's put this aside for tonight and have a nice dinner, okay?"
Dipping her head, Chaise kissed me, and I instantly felt heat invade my body. My lips parted and I touched the tip of my tongue to hers. My stomach clenched for a whole other reason, and a little moan escaped my throat. She pressed her body closer to mine, and through the material of our clothes I felt the hard beads of her nipples. A shiver ran through her body. With trembling fingers I unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, slipped my hand inside the silky material of her panties to tangle in the neat bush of her pubic hair. My touch was still tentative as I lowered my hand so that my fingers were enclosed in her moist heat. I wanted our love making to be so good for Chaise, but this was all still so new to me that I couldn't help worrying that my inexperience made me clumsy. However, the groan that Chaise emitted when I flicked my finger over her clit helped to reassure me. Her eyes had closed, and she was biting her lower lip as she clutched at my shoulders.
"Oh, baby, that feels so good. Put your fingers inside me—I need to feel you inside me.” Her voice was low and husky as she pushed her hips into my touch. I turned us so that Chaise was leaning back against the counter and dipped one finger inside her body. She contracted around me, and I felt sexual tension build in my own body. While my finger pushed in and out of her, I played with her clit the way she had done to me so many times, and it wasn't long before she was shuddering against me as her orgasm claimed her. She seeme
d to stop breathing altogether for a long moment, and her body tightened before she exhaled and all but collapsed against me. She tucked her face into the place where my shoulder met my neck.
"Fuck, Anna, what you do to me."
In spite of the need coursing through my body I laughed and hugged her. “Just think what it will be like when I really know what I'm doing."
A puff of breath caressed my neck as Chaise laughed in turn. “I might not survive!"
* * * *
The next morning I was sitting at the table in my kitchen, sipping my tea. Chaise was sitting opposite, a mug of coffee in front of her, her long fingers turning it in circles. Every time I looked up I found her watching me, but she would quickly look away and study her coffee intently.
I had to smile. “Is it really so important to you?"
She attempted to look puzzled by my question, but couldn't quite pull it off, and she seemed to instinctively know. “Yes, it really is. And, well ... I have to admit that I have a selfish reason for it.” She paused for a minute, and I waited for her to continue. “I worry that your family might think I've put pressure on you not to go—it would be easier to blame me than you."
I hated that look of concern that put frown lines on her forehead, so I reached across the table and laid my hand on hers. “Okay, I'll go. Come and help me choose something to wear?"
Chaise's smile was so wide and relieved that it squeezed my heart.
* * * *
The family grapevine had obviously been working overtime. When I arrived at the church and walked down the aisle I could feel eyes on me and caught the mutter of private conversations. I slid into the seat my parents, Ben and Robyn were occupying. Dad smiled and winked. Ben nudged my shoulder with his. Robyn patted my hand gently. I was warmed by the small gestures of support, but the feeling vanished when I looked at my mother. She glanced in my direction and quickly looked away, as if she couldn't bring herself to meet my eyes. My heart sank, and I turned to face the altar as I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes.
