by DD Cooper
He looked back toward the house on the hill, no Lucy in sight. She was probably still looking for her panties. “She’s a friend of yours? I’m sorry, Sophie, I truly didn’t know. If I’d known...”
I had to look away. I did not want to look upon him ever again, for every time I did, his lies, his explanations would go right through me and I’d find myself wanting to be in his arms. I wanted him to hold me tight against that perfect chest of his. I wanted to feel his hardness push against my stomach. I hated to admit it, but I would have given anything to be Lucy just a few moments ago, with this glorious god of a man inside me.
As soon as those thoughts entered my mind, I immediately regretted them and thanked the universe that no one could read our minds. At least I hoped they couldn’t. I turned away, feeling dejected and weak, the tears drying on my cheeks now.
“I never want to see you again,” I said as I turned away, but something peculiar happened right then and there. The world turned onto itself, and pretty soon I found myself falling and falling, until the darkness was all that was left. And even then, the darkness itself turned into nothing, and I was simply gone from this world.
Chapter Five
I woke in a bed that was not my own. In fact, I woke in a room that I had never been in before. Confused, I tried to push the covers away, and see where the hell I was.
But strong arms held me back, pushing me gently back onto the bed.
“Don’t move too fast,” Jack said. “Thank God you’re okay. You just fainted from out of nowhere. Has that ever happened to you before?”
My head felt like lead. “I don’t know,” I started to say, each word an effort to get out. “Maybe. It hasn’t happened in years.”
I tried to get up again but he repeated the same gesture. “You should rest, Sophie. Drink some tea,” he went to the dresser by the bed and picked up a cup.
“Water, please,” was all I could make out.
He returned a couple of seconds later with a water bottle. I tried but he had to help in twisting it open. The cool, calm refreshing taste of the water immediately made me feel better.
“I’ll bring you some food. How long has it been since you’ve eaten?”
I couldn’t remember the last time I had a proper meal. Miss Browning’s journals had gotten so interesting, that they were all I could think about.
And then it all came back to me. The journals in my hands. The horrible sight through the glass doors. Jack on the floor on top of Lucy. Oh God, how could this be happening? I thought to myself. “Lucy,” I said reluctantly.
The look on Jack’s face was one of shame. “She left. She said she’d talk to you later when you get home.”
“Good,” I said. “I don’t know if I really want to see her now, or ever for that matter. It hurts just looking at you.”
Jack looked away. I could see him swallow the words that he wanted to say. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t know you guys were friends.”
Then I remembered the white powder. Coke. “The drugs, Jack, why? Why do you do this to yourself?” I could understand the sex, intellectually if not emotionally, but sniffing coke? That was too much for me.
“We all have our demons, Sophie. We all have something we want to forget.”
He got up and left me by myself.
He returned shortly after with a sandwich and I ate it in earnest, feeling better with each bite.
“Did you make this yourself?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he smiled.
“Pretty good. You could have been a cook if the acting thing didn’t work out.”
He laughed, and continued to laugh, and I joined him. Once I felt better I got out of bed and walked slowly into the living room. I made it a point not to go anywhere near the spot where the act had taken place. I saw the box with the journals in it.
“The journals...” I started.
“They’re fine. I picked them up and put them back in the box. No harm done. Lucy wanted to take the whole lot with her to make sure you’d come home and see her, but I told her no. These journals belong to you now. It’s the least I could do after this whole debacle.”
He wore a white t-shirt and shorts now. When I looked upon him I could still see him stark naked (no pun intended, truly) banging my best friend.
“Thank you for that, but you don’t have to do that. As you said, you don’t owe me anything. I overacted to the whole situation.”
He smiled. “Well the fainting was a bit much,” he said.
I punched him lightly in the arm.
He took my hand in his and caressed it. He brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you,” he said. I looked into those piecing green eyes, back to normal now, and could not make myself not believe his words. He might have been an actor, but I truly believed he was himself in that moment. I believed he was showing a side of himself that nobody else had seen. Not his fans, not the world, not his family, and certainly not Lucy. She was just another faceless girl of many in his eyes. I was something else. I was special. Or at least I liked to believe that I was.
I felt a bit of vertigo coming on so I sat down in the comfy recliner he had. I disappeared in its softness, and if it weren’t for the whole mess that had happened, I could have believed that there were good things in this world.
“I have to go, but I don’t know where I should go. Perhaps I’ll go rent a room for a little bit at the old hotel. I really can’t face Lucy right now.”
“Stay here,” Jack said, and surprised me with his words.
“No, I can’t. I need time alone. I need time to think about all this.”
“What’s there to think about, Sophie? It was a mistake. A mistake that I will not repeat.”
“Yeah, with Lucy. But there’ll be other girls. And the drugs. I’m sorry, Jack, but that’s not the kind of man I want in my life. The girls I can understand. We’re not together or anything. But the drugs? That’s something I won’t ever become accustomed to.”
He kneeled on the floor and looked into my eyes. “Sophie, I promise you that all of that will stop if you just give me a chance. I want to be a better man for you, and I will. Just please give me a chance.”
I looked away. The sadness in his eyes just too much to bear at that exact moment. “I don’t know, Jack. You know I can’t offer you much at this moment.”
“We could just be friends, Sophie. No pressure. I just want to spend time with you. When I’m around you the rest of the world disappears. The drugs, the girls, everything. If you’re with me, I know I can put a stop to all of it. Will you please give me a chance?”
It was hard to say no to a plea like that. I saw Jack for what he truly was right then and there: broken. Just like me. We were two broken people who had found each other against all odds, and we didn’t need anything more than each other’s company to feel a little less broken again.
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess we could give it a shot.”
Suddenly Jack’s eyes were no longer sad and haunting like usual. They were full of life. I could see that tears started to form in them. Tears of joy perhaps? I’d like to think so.
My eyes were filling with tears as well. “Oh, Jack,” I said, sobbing. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“Nor I anyone like you, Sophie,” he said softly as he cleared away my tears with his fingers.
And even though I knew nobody would probably understand, it felt like I had finally found my place in the world: it was wherever Jack Stark happened to be.
Overjoyed I got up and sat on the floor by the box of journals. I rummaged through and found the one I had just finished reading. Now all I needed to do was find journal VIII and continue Josie’s story. It sounded easier than it actually was, for the markings on the spine were sometimes so faded that it was hard to tell what numeral they were at all. I took to flipping the first couple of pages open and verifying the dates. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally found the darned thi
ng. Once it was in my hands, I wanted to devour it right then and there, but a nagging feeling was in the pit of my stomach. A mix of fear and excitement danced within me. What had I just agreed to?
Was I really crazy enough to start living with a guy I barely knew, and the things I knew about him did not impress me at all. A drug addicted sex fiend, the phrase went through my mind, probably something Lucy had said. And that was the reason right then and there: Lucy. I could not see her right now. And I did not know how I would be going to work tomorrow knowing that she would be there, waiting, to explain herself. I did not need her explanations, and I was in no mood to offer her forgiveness for her indiscretions. A whole island full of men, and she decided to sleep with the one man who had started to court me?
I joined Jack on the sofa, the journal in my hands, my mind somewhere else.
“Aren’t you gonna read the darned thing?” He asked me, in a light hearted manner that made me feel a bit better.
I smiled, and then I was sour faced again. “I was just wondering about our sleeping arrangements. It’s only going to be for a couple of days anyway and I can sleep on this sofa if it’s not too much trouble.”
“Don’t be silly, Sophie. I’ve got a guest room you can use. It’s small, but it’s habitable, and you can stay there as long as you like.”
“You’re too nice, Jack. You don’t even know me. I could be some psycho stalker fan, for all you know.”
He laughed. “I highly doubt that. I think we’d be having this conversation in my bed if that were the case. Anyway, you already know the reason. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I want to get to know you better. Is that such a crime? Is that such an abnormality to you? I care about you, Sophie. I want you to feel safe, and I want to take care of you. Do you understand?”
I nodded. “I think I do. I know it sounds crazy but I want the same for you. I want to protect you from the world. I don’t want you to feel like you ever need drugs to feel better again. I want to make that sadness in your eyes go away, Jack. I really want the best for you.”
Then something unexpected happened: we both laughed in unison.
After a minute of continuous laughing, I finally managed to get some words out. “Oh my God, we sound like you and that girl in The Maderly Wedding!”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking!”
We laughed some more.
“You must have some of your other movies here, don’t you?” I asked, hoping to have a marathon with him by my side.
“No, I left all that behind. I didn’t want any of that stuff to follow me here.”
“I know it’s none of my business, Jack, but why are you here? In the middle of nowhere, in this piss cold weather?” I was genuinely curious. When celebrities decided to vacation they usually chose somewhere warm with a beach so they could show off their perfect bodies. And that was definitely an asset Jack had.
“No, it’s alright. I just needed to get away from the limelight for a bit, recharge, although now that I’m not in that world anymore, I don’t know if I ever want to go back.” He looked a bit sad saying that last part, but he also seemed hopeful for the future. “What about you? What’s a small town American girl doing in a place like this, working as a waitress of all things?”
“I needed to get away, too,” I said and left it at that. He did not need to know all the sordid details, and he was aware enough not to ask. I knew he had other reasons, too. Something deeper and darker lurked beneath those eyes. I saw him like he’d never been seen before probably. I saw the desperate need as he bent down and inhaled the white powder, the coke, up his nose. And I saw the relief it brought him as he bent his head up to the ceiling. There was more to Jack Stark than meets the eye, and I wanted to unravel every secret he had. I wanted to know his soul inside out, and then if it was safe, maybe I’d get to know his body as well. But that was a huge if.
I let all these thoughts go and I opened the journal in my hands and started reading the first page. I wanted to forget about everything that had just transpired, so I let myself be swept by another woman’s words. By another woman’s life. I wondered what else Miss Browning could possibly get up to.
Chapter Six
I sat in the church listening to Thomas speak his sermon, and within me, as each word vibrated itself around and through me, a fire was building in my body. I needed him. Every time his eyes would meet mine, he would quickly look away, but I knew he needed me too. I looked up at the first row and saw Mary and their two children. Their son, Greyson I think, was just a teenager, while their daughter was no more than five or six. As much as I hated Mary, I also envied her. For she was with the man I loved, and I wanted to be in her place more than anything in this world. I wasn’t such a fan of kids myself, but if Thomas wanted them, I would have obliged. As long as he laid next to me when night fell, I would have been content with anything. Anything at all. While stealing moments of passion when we could was exciting at first, now I needed something more. I should have been the one in Mary’s place. I told him as much one night after our passionate lovemaking, him still inside me, and he told me sternly to never speak of such things again. That it would never happen. That he was a man of God and that he would never turn his back on his family. Not in the harsh rays of daylight, anyway.
This inner turmoil I feel has not subsided since that fateful conversation. The rage and bitterness within me has only gotten stronger, and I do not know what needs to be done to make it go away. One thing is for certain, nothing good will probably transpire if I follow this line of thought. I must forget about my own desires and cherish the few stolen moments, embraces, and kisses we can get away with. It’s the only way. Our union might not be blessed by God, but I feel in the depths of my soul that it is blessed by fate. I and Thomas belong together. I know this. Now the only task before me is to convince him of that, as well.
I kept on reading her diary until my eyes were closing themselves involuntarily. This was a woman on the verge of losing control of everything she had, which wasn’t much once you thought about it, and even though I knew it couldn’t end well, I had to keep reading. I had to see what happened next. Jack, for his part, made me a sandwich again (it had become known that that was the only proper food he knew how to prepare) and I ate it as I sipped the hot tea he had made for us. The tea warmed me, for it was mighty cold outside, the wind howling like an angry animal. I took a break from Josie’s diary and enjoyed the food.
But tomorrow, I had a decision to make. Would I go to work or call off? I knew the owner would understand, since we weren’t that busy anyway, but I still hated to let him down. I didn’t want to bring anybody down for that matter. But I definitely didn’t want to see Lucy so soon after what had happened.
Decisions, decisions. Instead, I decided to engage Jack in a conversation to get my mind off the whole thing, and to forget that nagging feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach regarding what Josie Browning was planning on doing. It seemed silly to be so invested in something that had happed way before I was born, but care I did.
Between bites of the delicious sandwich he had made me, I looked around the house for the first time. Really looked at it. There was no TV in sight, surprisingly. “What do you do all day, Jack?” I asked, then remembered the scene I had walked in on that afternoon. “Besides the obvious, I mean.”
Jack was quiet. “Not much really. I’m trying my hand at meditation. I’m also catching up on my reading,” he looked towards a small library of books on a small shelf where the TV should have been if he had been a normal person. “Mostly, though, I spend a lot of time out on the beach, watching the waves come in.”
“That sounds lovely,” I found myself saying in a faux-British accent. “No, I mean really. I walk by the beach a lot myself. Makes me forget who I am and where I come from. When I see that huge body of water out there,” I turned and looked down toward the sea, which was invisible to us right then and there, for it was pitch dark outside. “I feel like anything that see
ms wrong with me and my life simply vanishes in comparison.”
“That’s exactly how it feels for me. But then I have to go back inside, to the warmth and comfort of this house. And I start to remember.” He looked down on the floor where he had fucked Lucy, then he quickly looked away when he saw me staring at him. “And then I do the obvious. I repeat the same pattern I came here to escape. Sometimes, I don’t know if any of this is really my life, or if it’s just a role I’m playing.”
I made it a point to look all around. “I don’t see any camera, so I hope we’re safe.”
I made light of the matter but I knew exactly how he felt. I had kept so much of myself locked away, afraid that the world would judge me or use my weaknesses against me, but I was starting to feel very comfortable with Jack. It was a strange feeling to finally feel safe around a man, or anyone for that matter. I started to feel that way around Lucy, but now all of that was gone. Broken like the dreams I had as a child, before the harsh reality of the world made itself known in the form of a man who wanted to be called father, and then changed his mind and wanted to be the husband instead.
“Oh, Sophie, why are you crying? Is it something I said?” He looked genuinely concerned and his question shocked me back to reality.
I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “I hadn’t even realized I was crying,” I said, and it was the truth. “I’m really tired, is all.”
“You should get some sleep. You know where your room is, right?” He said, and it felt weird that I would have a room in the house of a man I barely even knew. Yes, he was world known, but he was still a stranger to me. “You should have everything you need there. The sheets are clean. There’s a small bathroom across your room. I have my own private one in my room, so we shouldn’t run into trouble there.”
