Oh man, this is just like how the climax of every sports movie starts out.
If I wasn’t dressed up like some kind of masked stalker, it would’ve been one of the coolest moments of my life.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
The bunny girl gave the signal, and the stage suddenly went dark.
“Ready to win this?” I heard Takane say in the blackness.
“Uh-huh!” Ayano replied.
Nope. Sorry, but we’re not here to lose to you.
Just before it began, I turned to him one more time.
“We’ve got to win, Shintaro.”
“Yep.”
This must be what they mean when they say “grinning from ear to ear.”
Those were the only words that came to mind when I saw the smile on Momo’s face.
“Wow, bro! Are you really sure I can have this?”
“Dude, I’m not gonna say it again. But you gotta thank Haruka, too, okay?”
Momo turned toward me in response. “Thank you very much!” she said, bowing her head deeply.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I said, trying to restrain myself as I returned the smile. I really didn’t need any thanks. The main MVP today was Shintaro, who kept plugging away, hands on the gun controller the whole time.
That, and that squid currently buried in Momo’s arms, too.
Me? I didn’t need anything.
It took a bit of time to change back into my regular clothes, but we managed to get out of the arcade while it was still bright and sunny out. We spotted a few costumed attendees on the road back to the rail station. They all looked a little embarrassed.
“Haruka, though…”
Takane leered at me.
“If something was up like that, don’t you think you should’ve just told me? Like, next time you lie to me, don’t expect any mercy.”
She was completely right. I had nothing to say in my defense. I swear I’ll never lie again.
“Oh, it’s fine, isn’t it, Takane? It got us all together in the end, at least!”
Ayano, meanwhile, was in high spirits. Not only did she get to see Shintaro after all, but she also had a chance to introduce herself to Momo.
Takane, meanwhile, was more of a mixed bag, incapable of anything but nodding.
“Yeah, but…Like, why did you hide that we were playing against him? That’s the thing that bothers me the most!”
Her finger, and her eyes, were pointed right at Shintaro. Shintaro stared back, ready to take this fight another round.
“Uhh? What’s with you, lady? You’re just all whiny because you can’t stand how Haruka beat you, huh?”
“Whaaa?! Are you kidding me?! And how can you even call that losing?! I was just startled because Haruka called my name out in the middle of the freakin’ match! Besides, how come you get away with saying stuff like that? You want Ayano to beat the snot outta you?!”
“What d’you want from me? My wrist was hurt! We had to do something! And besides, we won! I don’t see how you get off complaining about it. That’s just pathetic!”
The sparks were flying between the two of them as Momo looked on blankly.
“Momo, what’s your favorite food?” Ayano asked, frantically trying to find some way, any way, to steer the conversation toward calmer waters.
“Oh, I like eating those bags of dried sardines,” Momo replied. That answer wasn’t going to be of much help to Ayano, but there you go.
And so we carried on and shouted at each other, all the way to Takane’s house.
Ayano’s birthday party was about to begin. A little late, though. I felt bad for making Kousuke and the gang wait, but oh well. We’d probably just chat for a little while longer and call it a day…
But then I realized.
This is the last time I’ll ever get to celebrate Ayano’s birthday. Right. That won’t happen for me next year.
Oof. Why did I forget about that? Weird. I actually thought “this” was gonna just keep on going forever. I’ve never felt like this over a moment in my life before. Why…?
…No. I can’t let myself overthink this. I can’t do anything about it.
I winced in pain as Takane punched me from the side.
Apparently I forgot to ask about something. She puffed up her cheeks, flush with rage. I gave her a wry smile and replied. Ayano snickered as I did, and Shintaro, for his part, seemed to be enjoying himself.
Yeah. Don’t think about it. Just sit back and take in the scene before you.
I moved on, beaming, as I told that to myself.
Yes.
Even as I turned my eyes away from the despair that covered everything around me.
LOST DAYS · 7
A lone contrail from a jetliner extended across the sky.
The outside world, as seen through my bedroom window, was a contrast between the wide-open blue and the fragrant green spread below it.
The insect calls, almost a little too loud, sounded pleasant to my ears. Somewhere along the line, summer happened—and now it had taken root.
How much time had passed since that day? The first time I played competitively against her?
…Man, I must be starting to lose it. It feels like I’m spending more and more of each day staring into space. I guess it’s really true—if you don’t keep your body moving, your brain starts to go on you, too. But that would imply that professional athletes are all geniuses, and I know that’s not the case.
I sat on my bed, letting my mind ruminate on this for a moment.
Suddenly, the door opened, accompanied by Shintaro’s cheerful voice.
“Helloooo…Oh! Hey, Haruka, you’re lookin’ pretty good today.”
“Hi, Shintaro. Thanks for coming. Was it hot outside?”
“Oh man, ‘hot’ doesn’t even begin to describe it,” he said as he sat on the floor, grabbing his collar and flicking it up and down to fan his chest. “It’s gotta be the hottest day of the year so far.”
He couldn’t have been lying. I watched the sweat from his forehead form small streams down his body, feeling a little sorry to make him go through the effort.
“And you still got a hoodie on, huh? You sure are consistent with that, at least. Don’t get dehydrated or anything, okay?”
“Ha-ha! I’ll be fine. Oh, here, I got a souvenir for you.”
Shintaro took a box out of the paper bag he carried. It contained a German Baumkuchen cake. The design on the box jogged so many memories that I couldn’t help but chuckle at it.
Shintaro raised an eyebrow. “Oh, uh, don’t you like this?”
“Oh, no, it’s great! I can’t wait to try it out.”
I remembered how many days into summer break we were. This was day number…ten? Yeah, that should be it.
Shintaro’s spent a lot of his break visiting me. I felt guilty, having him walk over here in the summer heat—but, really, his visits were one of the few things I had left to enjoy.
“Is that the kind of thing you want to spend your money on, though, Shintaro? I thought you weren’t a huge fan of sugary foods, and here you bought this whole big cake…”
“Huh? Oh, I’m starting to dig ’em a little more now,” he replied as he helped himself to a slice. “I think I was just being a picky eater, is all…Ooh, this is good.”
That was a relief to see. It didn’t look like he was putting on an act, either.
“Hey, didn’t you say that the first time you drank that soda? I remember how funny I thought that was. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone enjoy a soda more than you did at that exact moment.”
Shintaro scratched his head out of embarrassment.
“Well, I meant it, dude! That really amazed me. I mean, I pretty much never go a day without a can any longer. Guess I owe you one for that, Haruka.”
“Owe me?” I laughed. “Yeah, I guess you owe me for all the cavities you’re gonna get, Shintaro.”
Shintaro laughed. “Guess so!”
Here we were, just hanging out
with each other, talking with each other, laughing at each other.
Carrying on in this way made it feel like, hey, we might just be friends after all. I didn’t know exactly how “friends” were meant to be defined, but if Shintaro wasn’t a friend by now, I doubted I even needed any.
I’d put Takane on my friend list, too.
But…maybe I shouldn’t be so blunt with that. If I do, it’s like I get this bad aftertaste in my throat. Hmm…What, then? Maybe it really is… that kind of thing. But I just can never get proactive with things like that. Like, it felt like I have no right to say it.
…After all, I was due to die pretty soon.
I turned my ears to the insects’ buzzing.
Something about the situation suggested that it’d be the perfect time for me to die. If it were silent outside, a carpet of snow on the ground, I’d probably be a lot more freaked out over it.
Instead, whenever I catch myself getting lost in my own thoughts, I turn my ears to the cicadas, just like this. It’s like they’re constantly shouting at me, “We’re alive! We’re alive!”—and it puts me just that much more at ease about things.
The nights, though, were still hard. Once I started thinking to myself, “I wonder what dying’s like,” it was all over. Thinking about how I was about to go into this state that nobody knew very much about brought on a sense of nausea I had trouble shaking.
First my breathing would stop. Then my heart. My blood flow would freeze in place. Then my brain would stop working.
After that, there’d be no chatting, no laughing, no seeing or hearing or even eating. In fact…I wouldn’t even be able to do this. Sitting and thinking about things. What would that be like? I couldn’t even imagine it.
The idea of a state called “death” that I couldn’t even imagine scared me beyond anything else.
Come to think of it, I used to really believe there was something out there called “heaven.” There, far away on the other edge of the sky, was a picture-perfect place where everyone lived happily ever after. And I’d get to see Shintaro and everybody else there, too. I was just hitting the trail a little early.
…But there’s no way that place actually exists.
Who ever said it did? It’s not like anybody’s been there. They’re all a bunch of liars. Liars, liars, liars…!
I was sure of it. After you die, there’s nothing but darkness. A world of darkness and nothing else, where you were all alone…
“…Haruka?”
Shintaro’s voice whisked me back to reality. I must have lost myself in my thoughts again. My heart was loud in my ears, my breathing labored.
Since I couldn’t give him a reply, Shintaro stood up and set off for the door. He must’ve been trying to alert someone. I grabbed his arm to stop him.
“I’m okay…you know. This…this is still on the okay side…”
“B-but, Haruka, you look like you’re in pain…”
Shintaro appeared grievously concerned.
This was probably mean, given his worrying and all, but seeing that made me incredibly happy.
I immediately hated myself for it. Losing myself in thought, letting it pain me, putting all this burden on a close friend of mine…Just miserable.
I took several deep breaths. I could feel the juices flowing again. Not that I had much in the way of “juices” left.
Talking was starting to pain me a little, so I fell silent for a while afterward. Shintaro didn’t say anything, either, looking out the window with me.
The color of the sky changed with the approach of dusk. The cawing of crows began to overtake the crying of insects.
“…Sure hope you get better soon.”
Shintaro just blurted it out, his voice at a whisper. They were his first words in a while. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
It should’ve been simple. Just a little “Yeah, I’ll try my best” and everything would be fine. But somehow, I just couldn’t will those few, ridiculously simple words up from my throat.
“…I’m never gonna.”
I couldn’t see Shintaro’s face. I didn’t want to anyway, and I didn’t want to show mine, either.
“…Wh-what’re you talking about, Haruka? It’s just getting a little hot lately, is all. That’s why you’re—”
“No…No, Shintaro.”
I swore to myself that I’d never say it, but I just couldn’t find a way to stop the words from flowing.
“…I’m going to die. I don’t think I’m gonna last another month. I knew that long before we came to know each other, Shintaro.”
There was no response from him. I tried to keep it together as I opened my mouth again.
“Shintaro,” I said. “I’ve never had a friend as good as you in my whole life. That’s why I want you to be happy. No matter what kind of bad things you have to deal with, I want you to live the full life that I couldn’t.”
The evening sky darkened. The room was bathed in an orange light.
I began to regret talking about myself for so long. As expected, Shintaro couldn’t figure out how to respond.
It was getting late. I had to say something.
“I’m sorry, Shintaro. Do you think you could maybe head home for today? It’s getting pretty—”
“I…”
I instinctively turned toward the quivering voice. I saw my friend shedding large, wet tears.
“I…I don’t want you to…to die, Haruka…!”
Shintaro’s vocabulary far outclassed mine. He could belittle you with his intelligence, and he could also act so nice, out of consideration to you.
I know. I knew that. He was my friend.
“Me neither…”
That’s why I could no longer hold anything back against Shintaro’s words.
“I…I don’t want to die either…! Why…? Why me?! This is just crazy…”
The tears left stains on my comforter. I don’t think I had ever cried in front of anyone else before.
“My body’s getting more and more out of whack…,” I spat out. “I can’t even tell what food tastes like anymore. I’m scared…I’m so scared. Somebody, help me…!”
I buried my face in my comforter and cried.
Shintaro patted my back for a little while. I’m not sure how long. I fell asleep somewhere along the line, and when I woke up, it was night.
Realizing that Shintaro was asleep on the carpet by the bed, I placed a blanket over him and went outside for a bit.
I think I just walked around aimlessly for a while, with no particular destination in mind. After that, I thought about the last thing I would ever do and what I needed that to be.
I wasn’t thinking, “I need to leave my mark on the world” or anything as epic as that. But something drove me to go to school.
Ah, right. There was a Dead Bullet -1989- tournament coming up.
I created the account and everything. It’d be kinda cool if Konoha could challenge Ene to a match. Just to wrap things up.
I pondered this as I walked down the night streets.
These might be the most precious moments of time left in my life. But I didn’t feel like I was wasting a single second.
LOST DAYS · 8
Today, August 15, was a perfectly average day. It was a good one, I thought.
The news this morning said it’d be an easygoing kind of day. Completely normal temperatures for this season. They were absolutely right.
So I had nothing to complain about. If I had to come up with something, I guess I’d like to see the sunset just one more time, right at the end.
Oh, and if I could add something else, joining that tournament would’ve been nice. But there’s no reason to be greedy.
…Life, I figured, was just kind of short like that.
I heard the ambulance siren and felt some light bumping below me. I heard Takane’s voice as I fell in and out of consciousness. Probably stuff like “It’s all right” and “Hang in there” and so on. Earlier, I was in so much pain that I was inca
pable of focusing on anything else. Now, though, I couldn’t feel anything at all.
It was funny. It didn’t feel like I was cured. It was weird, but it felt more like it all just disappeared.
If I had to guess, the part of me that feels pain was probably dead. I had no way of confirming this, but thinking about it made me feel a little lonely.
The sounds around me seemed to echo mindlessly in my ears, and soon I could only pick up on the barest nuances of Takane’s words. What did she say? I didn’t know. She sounded real sad, though.
Ahhh, I’m sorry, Takane. I’m really sorry. I’ve received so much from you, but I couldn’t give anything in return.
I bet you’re angry about it. Well, you can be, if you want. You can punch me, even. If it helps you get over it, you can do anything you like.
Oh, but don’t take it out too much on people besides me. You might run into all kinds of wonderful people later on in life. You need to treat them with the care they’ll deserve.
Yeah. That’s right. You’re a kind, gentle girl, Takane. You need to keep on smiling. You need to be happy.
So please, Takane. Stop crying…
Once the final echoes faded away, I no longer felt anything.
This was exactly the kind of silence I feared the most, but now that I was faced with the full brunt of it, it was nothing.
So this was “dying”?
No. If I was still thinking about stuff like this, I guess I wasn’t quite there yet.
I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes, or any other handy guidepost showing where I was in the process. In fact, I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on.
But I suppose my thoughts would disappear before too long. I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else, and then…
…No.
I just can’t accept this. I don’t want to die.
What’s going to happen to me now? Hey, Takane, are you still near me? If you are, tell me. Come on. Tell me…
Over the Dimension Page 10
