by Candis Vargo
“What? After eating these cookies if you don’t fall in love with the baker then you at least fall in love with the cookie so you have no choice but to keep the baker around. Love cookies. Perfect name.”
“So that’s why you befriended me.”
“Exactly,” she stuck her finger in the batter before putting it in her mouth. “So what’s the dealio? I never get to witness the baking process. I only ever get the cookie.”
I continued mixing the batter with my wooden spoon. “Well, I’m going to need someone to make these after I’m gone. Grab that bowl over there, will you? I need to make at least two more batches.”
“Cara…”
“I’m being realistic, Beth. Who better to pass the recipe down to than my best friend?”
Beth smiled sadly before grabbing the bowl. “Well, why so many batches?”
I looked around before I leaned in to whisper, “I’m putting a bunch of the dough in plastic wrap and freezing it, in your
freezer by the way.”
“My what?”
“You have no choice. But this way Joel will still be able to eat them after… well until you are able to master the recipe,” I grabbed an index card out of my back pocket and handed it to her.
Beth looked down at the recipe that was written on the card. “Yeah, it’ll probably take me a little while because just last night
I managed to burn brownies.” I looked at her, confused.
“No, that’s not even the best of it. I wanted to prove a point so I set the brownie brick on the floor and Sam wouldn’t even eat them, they were so bad.” Sam was her dog, and Sam ate everything. She went on saying how the brownies were so hard that it felt like a brick. I was laughing at her story when Joel and Ryan came into the kitchen.
“Are those my cookies I’m smelling?” Joel asked before he realized Beth was there. Once he did, he eyed me, knowing what I was planning, but quickly looked over to Beth. “She destroys the kitchen when she makes these. You might want an apron or she’ll destroy your clothes too.”
“Hey,” I flung a little of the dough off of the spoon and hit him in the face with it.
“Don’t waste the goods, woman! Ryan, will you grab an apron out of the pantry for
Beth really quick?”
Ryan grabbed the extra apron, and when he handed it to Beth he said, “Cara, I thought you never let anyone watch how you made them?”
“Well I’m not just anyone, Ryan,” Beth put emphasis on his name.
“No, you most definitely are not,” he was checking her out.
“All right, let’s go before you children start sumo wrestling in the kitchen and ruin my cookies,” Joel started to lead Ryan out of the kitchen after grabbing two beers.
“But I want to see how they’re made,” Ryan protested as he tried to turn back around but Joel wasn’t giving in.
“So, you’re having me stash some of this dough at my house, and Joel doesn’t know?”
“No,” I smiled. “I kind of want it to be a surprise. Like, if you could, would you try and get him a fresh batch at least once a month?”
“Yeah. I can do that. I promise.”
“You’re seriously the best.”
Tears built up in Beth’s eyes and she wiped them away. “Ok enough, this is going to mess up my makeup.”
“Ok, well I need your advice on something. Joel and I were talking and I’m thinking about doing a type of video diary. Like recording a bunch of videos for the baby to watch at different times in its life, like major milestones. Graduation, wedding, stuff like that. Does that seem corny?”
Beth just stared at me, smiling for a few moments. “No,” she said, her smile still broad on her face. “I think that’s really sweet. That’s something my baby will be able to cherish for a lifetime.”
“Thanks,” I smiled back at her.
“Okay,” Beth fanned her face, “before we get all emotional in here, let’s get back to work.”
I agreed, and we went back to making the cookies, and after stashing a few rolls of dough in the back of the freezer for her to take home with her later, she made a comment about me needing a double oven to cook all of my cookies in. I had to chuckle because I had planned on getting one of those for this new house. I’d wanted one that was built into the wall…wanted being the key word.
It’s amazing how meaningless some things become once you know you’re dying. A new oven, a brand new car with zero miles, the newest technology, everything that you almost seemed to have to have or at least really wanted… it was all meaningless now. I didn’t care if my phone was the newest model because it worked. I didn’t care what brand of clothing I wore or what size television we had. I once swore we would get one of those Ultra High Definition televisions but now…now I was perfectly fine with our twenty-three-inch flat screen. What was the point of wanting all of that fancy new stuff? To compete with other people? I don’t know, but it was as if a switch flipped and I just didn’t care for any of it anymore.
After dinner, Beth and I went up to the baby’s room to see the crib all put together. The guys did a wonderful job and it didn’t look like there were any missing pieces.
We spent most of the night at the kitchen table telling stories and laughing while I was trying to hook up Beth and Ryan.
It was like it was national bash on Ryan night, which was always fun for us. Joel asked if I remembered getting Ryan a multiemergency tool for his truck when he got it and Ryan said how he still had it to this day, and it sat in his glove box.
“Hey,” I said. “You drove like a crazy person…you still do! I’m telling you, one of these days you’re going to need that darn thing, especially with you driving in the snow when we do get it. You’re going to find yourself submerged in some water and you’re going to be glad you have that to smash your window with!”
“Yeah,” Beth said. “You’d think it’d be easy to kick out a window…but I promise
you, it’s not.”
“Wait, when did you try to kick out a window?” I asked.
“I think a better question is why” Ryan laughed.
We bugged her for a while, but she wasn’t giving in. I’d get it out of her someday…
Joel was in the middle of telling the story about the time Ryan got caught in a girl’s room by her dad and had to jump out the window and run down the road in his boxers when I stood up to grab more drinks. I grabbed my head and leaned on the table, instantly regretting standing up. Beth and Joel both jumped up and rushed to my side.
“Are you okay?” Joel asked.
Beth pulled the chair back into me. “Here, sit back down.” They both helped me sit down.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay?” Joel’s voice was rushed.
I held my hand up to stop the questions. “Yeah, I just…got really dizzy and now I have this pounding headache that came out of nowhere.”
“Let’s get her to the couch,” Beth nudged my arm up, guiding me to stand up as Joel guided me with my other arm.
“Everything all right, man?” Ryan was clearly confused. Joel must have nodded because Ryan didn’t say anything else.
They walked me into the living room and laid me down on the couch. After they had covered me with a light blanket, I had Joel turn off the overhead light because it was only making my head worse. Beth sat down on the floor beside me, gently rubbing my back as she told Joel to go ahead and go back to Ryan.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I got her. I’ll yell if anything changes.”
Joel placed a quick kiss on my head before going back into the kitchen. Though the kitchen was down the hall a little, the house still had a decently open floor plan, and the kitchen could still be seen from the living room. Once Joel returned I could hear Ryan asking about me.
“Everything all right?”
“Yeah, it’s just… she’s just sick.”
“I see that, but something tells me there’s more to it than that. That it’s not just that simple.”
/> Despite the pounding in my head and protests from Beth, I sat up to look at Joel. That’s when he said it for the first time. It was like he didn’t want to admit it before but now he had no choice. He told Ryan, and by saying it out loud, he was finally admitting it to himself.
“She’s dying,” he cried. “Cara is dying.
She has Leukemia.”
I’ve seen my husband emotionally distraught before, and I’ve seen tears build up in his eyes, but I’ve never seen my husband like that. Joel was leaning on Ryan’s shoulder crying. I’m not talking about the silent cry where a few tears fall out, I’m talking about the kind where you bury your face into something to muffle the noise as tears pour down your cheeks. I’ve never seen him like that, not even at his cousin’s funeral, and his cousin was practically his brother.
Beth placed her hand on my shoulder to try and comfort me, and I slid my hand on top of hers. I figured I’d give Joel some time with Ryan. I knew he didn’t want me to see him cry like that. He was the man, he thought he was always supposed to be strong, so I let him have his moment of weakness, and I never said anything to him about it. I never let him know that I saw him that night.
CHAPTER FOUR
I was bouncing around like a child in a candy store, and Joel couldn’t help but smile at me. I was sixteen weeks pregnant and off for another ultrasound where hopefully, I’d finally be able to see my baby’s sex. Joel kept reminding me that there was a good chance that we wouldn’t find out today, but I kept saying we would, that by the end of the day I would be able to pick out the decorations and get the paint colors for the room.
It was hard to try and keep a serious face as I sat through the doctor appointment. I just wanted to get it over with, so I could go for the ultrasound, but this was always required first. I guess I could see the logic in it, but it didn’t mean I liked it. When Dr. Lynn came in, the look on her face told me I really wasn’t going to like it.
“Well,” she sighed. “Your white blood cell count has gone up significantly since the last time.”
“And… that’s bad.” It was really no surprise to me. I knew everything was only going to get worse but as long as my baby was okay, then so was I.
“Have you been having any more symptoms? Any more bruising?”
Joel tightened his grip on my hand. I hated talking about this in front of him but there’s no way he would leave my side, not even if I asked him.
“Not really…I mean they’re pretty much the same things. I’m still getting dizzy and headaches, only I get them more often and sometimes the headaches are more like migraines. Um, occasionally I feel out of breath, but that’s usually when I go up and down the stairs too much or something. I’m just forgetful sometimes and have to run back up or down for whatever it is I forgot. Other than that, no, nothing new really. A few small bruises here and there, but that’s it.”
“Ok, well, I want you to take it easy. Don’t go on the stairs unless you have to and be careful of the bruising. How’s your appetite? Is it increasing or decreasing?”
“No, I think it’s about the same.” “Sometimes,” Joel cut in, “you skip a meal here and there. You don’t realize it, but you sometimes do.”
“Well let’s try and avoid that, okay? I want you to snack throughout the day, too.”
I nodded in agreement. I didn’t realize that I skipped meals. How could Joel notice but not me?
“Now, I have to ask you this,” Dr. Lynn continued. “Have you given any more thought to getting treatment for the Leukemia?”
“My answer isn’t going to change,” I said, a little too snappy. “I’m not going to risk hurting my baby so you can give up on asking.” Just the thought of it made my blood boil.
“Look, Doc, I know my wife, and I know that the very moment she saw the positive pregnancy test, she knew she would do anything to keep our baby safe. When she decides something, she sticks to it and doesn’t change her mind. As stubborn as
that is, it’s who she is.”
“I have to ask,” Dr. Lynn’s voice was surprisingly calm for how snappy I was.
“I’m sorry. I just know what I want, and I want my baby to have a life, and as healthy of a life as I can give him or her.”
“I completely understand. I’m not pushing you towards anything, promise.” She spoke gently, trying to ease my worries. “I also want to suggest a counselor. Sometimes talking to someone who isn’t directly involved with everything that’s happening can help out.”
“No… I just—I just don’t think so. That’s not really me, you know?”
“And that’s perfectly fine.” Her smile was soft. “Now, let’s get you off to your ultrasound so you can see that precious baby of yours, yeah?”
We took the elevator to the third floor and had to wait fifteen minutes before we were able to get in for the ultrasound. Every time I had to wait to see my baby it seemed like the time dragged on; I’m sure it was like that for every mom to be but for me, those were probably the only moments I’d get to see my baby. I’d be lucky if I got the chance to see my baby after it was born…
When they finally called us into the room, I laid down on the bed as the ultrasound technician poured some gel on my belly. I took a sharp breath in; they needed to get something to warm that gel up because it was freezing. Joel stood beside the table I laid on, holding my hand as we anxiously looked at the screen that was lighting up the darkened room.
“So, have you thought of any names?” the technician asked.
“We have.” My voice was filled with excitement as I looked up at Joel.
“Oliver James for a boy and Amelia
Rose for a girl.” Joel smiled.
“Such pretty names,” she said as the baby’s image appeared on the screen.
Tears filled my eyes, but this time they were happy ones. No matter how many times I saw my baby on that screen, I couldn’t get sick of it. It was truly a wondrous experience, being able to see a 3D image of the baby that was inside of me. I could see the way the top lip stuck out a little farther than the bottom one and the perfect curve of the little button nose. With a slight kick, the baby rolled to its side, giving us a better view as it sucked on its thumb. Through the depth of the image, I was able to see the edge of the lips slightly curve up, as if our baby was smiling at us. Oh, how the times have changed. The technician said she had to check a few things before we looked at the sex. She checked the usual - the heartbeat, measurements, the flow of the blood in the umbilical cord and stuff like that. After saying everything looked good, she was finally able to try and check it for us.
“Well,” she said as I saw two little legs on the screen. “See that? I call that a doe track, which means you are having a little
Amelia Rose.”
I didn’t think my smile could have gotten any bigger, but I was wrong. I looked at Joel, and his smile was just like mine; we were beaming from ear to ear. We were having a little girl. Joel was going to get to have his daddy’s little girl…of all the blessings in the world, we were getting Amelia.
“I always thought God must have some amazing plans for this baby,” I breathed. “I can’t think of a better name to give her. It’s such a strong, wonderful name.”
Joel brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed it. “She’s going to change the world,” he whispered with tears in his eyes, though he smiled
“Here you go,” the technician said as she handed us at least a dozen pictures of Amelia. We had been caught up in the moment and didn’t realize she was printing them off, but I was happy that she did. I examined every picture, and they were all at different angles. I could see the soft slope of her nose that was just like her daddy’s and the way her top lip stuck out slightly farther than the bottom one, just like mine. Her tiny feet and her toes… so fragile and completely dependent on me to give her life. How could they even think for a second that I would give up her life for mine?
I always wanted to leave my mark on the world, and she was how I was going
to do that.
Every time we left the hospital, it was like a weight was lifted off of us. There was just something about the hospital that made me uncomfortable now, so I was relieved to leave after we got to see Amelia.
Joel didn’t want me to do too much, so we just picked out the colors for Amelia’s room and came home with paint and the accessories we needed to start painting. He figured it would be best for me to wait until another day to get the bedding and little things, and I have to say that I agreed with him.
When we got home, I noticed Ryan’s car parked out front, and when I asked Joel what he was doing there, he just looked at me and gave me a mischievous smile…that was never good, especially if Ryan was involved. But since he was filled with excitement, I decided to act like I wasn’t nervous.
Ryan opened the door as we walked up on the porch and he was accompanied by Beth. First, I breathed a sigh of relief because if she was in on the surprise, then I could trust it would be a good one, but then I realized her car wasn’t here. It took a moment for it to dawn on me that she must have ridden with Ryan.
“You two?”
“Oh, shush,” Beth said as she practically pulled me inside.
They all led me down the hall and stopped at the door to the office, which was closed.
“Close your eyes,” Ryan said.
“Okay…” I closed my eyes, but Joel had to put his hands over them anyway to prevent me from peeking, which I wanted to do because I hated surprises.
“Ready…” Beth said, and I heard the creaking of the door opening.
“Look,” Joel yelled as he removed his hands from my eyes.
The office was almost the same as it had been. It had the same black swivel chair and the same oak desk that held our printer and scanner. There were still boxes of papers and miscellaneous items that we hadn’t opened stashed over in the corner. There was only one thing different about the room, and as small as it was, it melted my heart. In the center of the room was a small video camera with the screen flipped open, sitting on a tripod.
I was at a loss for words when Joel said, “Now you can start your video diary.”
