by Candis Vargo
When I finally made it up the stairs, my dad brought the wheelchair up to me, and I sat down. Even with the oxygen on, I still needed to rest and catch my breath a little bit once I made it to the top. After a few more minutes they finally pushed me into Amelia’s room, and in the corner next to the crib was the most beautiful rocking chair. The way it was made, it looked like an antique but the wood was very new, and it was nearly a perfect match to the color of the crib.
“It’s beautiful,” I said. Joel led me to it and helped me sit down, smiling the entire time. I placed my hands on my belly and started rocking gently.
“Joel said you couldn’t find one you liked,” my dad said. “So, I figured I’d make you one. Every mother deserves the chance to rock her baby…”
“And he was determined you’d get yours,” Joel finished for my dad as they patted each other on the back.
That’s why my dad had bought all of those tools and had been spending so much time outside. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. “Thank you,” I said.
I knew it was much more than just the chance for me to rock my baby. I knew my dad well enough to know that he had been working out his guilt, his pain, and his anger and that this was his way of trying to make amends. As with the majority of men, you couldn’t tell them that you know stuff like that, so I didn’t say anything to him about it. No matter what his reasoning was, I was extremely grateful for the chair. I hadn’t thought I’d get the chance to rock my baby, but I did, all thanks to my dad. So that’s exactly what I did. I held my stomach and I rocked. I don’t know how long I rocked for, but I didn’t stop until it was just me, Joel, and our baby in that room.
After a while, I remembered about the butterflies and I went to retrieve the box from the dresser. Joel hung the wind chime above the crib while I took the other butterflies and put them where I had imagined. I’d screwed an old, large stick into the wall above the window as a curtain rod, and I had used long, scrap pieces of fabric, all different colors, and tied them to the stick, so they hung down and formed the most beautiful curtain. So, I took the butterflies and put some of them on the stick and had them all facing the same direction. Then I placed the rest of them on the wall, and it looked like the butterflies were flying in the window, landing on the long stick and flying across the wall. It was something so simple, but it made me feel at peace inside.
Joel and I were enjoying our time alone together in our baby’s room. As simple as it would seem to most people, it was a very important and memorable moment in my life. I looked at him with pride, knowing he was going to make the best daddy in the world. And he just further proved my point when he brought over the teddy bear Beth and I had gotten for Amelia.
“Think you’re ready to record your heartbeat?”
I smiled as I took the bear in my hands, remembering how soft it was. I ran my thumb over the heart on the bear’s chest and I knew it was probably now or never. I didn’t know if my heart would get weaker as I got weaker so I figured I’d better play it safe.
It took us a little while to figure out what we were doing. We opened the back of the bear and found a cord that connected into a cell phone, so we connected it to Joel’s. We had to place the phone’s microphone down on my chest and record the heartbeat. As it was recorded to his phone, it transferred to the bear. It recorded my heart for one minute before stopping.
After we were done, we spent a few more moments trying to figure out how to turn the bear on. I don’t remember when simple things became so complicated but even stuffed animals were now difficult. There was a dial inside of the bear that we had to turn. There were a lot of different notches for different lengths of time so that it could be turned on for twenty minutes up to an hour.
We listened to it to make sure that it had recorded and was going to work properly. I played the same one-minute recording of my heart over and over. Satisfied that the bear was going to work right, I placed it inside of Amelia’s crib and tucked it into the corner. My baby was going to be able to fall asleep listening to the sound of my heartbeat.
Just when I thought this moment was enough, Joel said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran out of the room, and I had no idea what on earth he was doing but he was back just seconds later. He walked over to me, and I realized he had a picture of Amelia from the ultrasound and he placed it in the crib.
He was giving me my chance to see my baby tucked in bed. He didn’t want to say it, but knowing I might never get this chance, he was making it happen one way or another. He stood behind me, and I leaned back on him as I stared in the crib for a few minutes. I guess, in a way, I kind of looked at it like I was watching my baby girl sleep. My sweet Amelia Rose. We stayed there until the bear was done playing the sound of my heart.
Later that night, Joel and I had some quality time that we hadn’t had in a long time. For the first time in what felt like months, we made love. All of our nights since finding out about the cancer were spent with us holding each other tighter. He would curl up behind me and place his arm around me and gently pull me into him. As much as I loved him holding on to me at night, this was a welcomed change.
Though I know he was being soft and tender because of how weak I was becoming, it still felt as though there was more love behind it than there was when we made love a year ago. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun in the bedroom. But that’s what it became, fun. Now we were back to actually making love.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t going to die.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The next day Beth, Alicia and I went out to brunch at a local diner called The Mad Hatter café. Though it was a small place, they had the most delicious omelets and everything they served was as healthy as you could get. Even their desserts and drinks were healthy, but you would never be able to tell that by the way it tasted. Their chefs were amazing.
Anyway, during our brunch, I figured I should tell them about me making my final arrangements, and the conversation didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. I thought they would get mad, but both of them were actually understanding.
There wasn’t an easy way to ease into the conversation, either, so I just had to throw it out there.
“So, yesterday, I made arrangements with a funeral home,” I blurted.
Alicia nearly choked on her omelet and Beth spit out a little bit of her coffee.
“Sorry, I just…I wanted to tell you guys because I wanted someone to talk to about all of this but if you don’t want to I completely understand,” I was doing my nervous rambling and talking with my hands.
“No, Cara,” Alicia grabbed my hand, stopping me. “It’s okay, hun. Really. You just caught us by surprise,” she laughed, putting my worries at ease.
“Well, what did you talk about?” Beth asked.
“Well, I went ahead and bought practically everything I’d need for my funeral. Seriously, you guys, you wouldn’t believe the amount of things you have to buy for that crap.” I went on, telling them about everything that I bought and we laughed about the extra cushioned bedding inside of the caskets. When I told them about the burial plot and how I didn’t get one for Joel too, not knowing if he’d want to be buried next to me or his future wife, an uncomfortable silence filled the air.
“I’m serious, guys,” I said. “I want him to get married again someday.”
“Cara,” Alicia’s voice was soft, “he always said he would only get married once…”
“Yes, but I want him to be happy again. I don’t want him to be sad forever. And Amelia is going to need a mom and is going to need to see the things that moms and dads do. That’ll set her future relationships and I want her to have a good mom there for her.”
“I don’t know,” Beth shrugged her shoulders. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in a situation like that…”
“Well, no matter, he better wait until I’m gone for at least six months before he moves on to anyone else, you hear me?”
“Oh, sweetie, I
will personally kick his ass if it’s sooner than a year,” Alicia took a sip of her coffee.
“I don’t know how you do that,” Beth shook her head.
“What?”
“I don’t know how you can think that way. I mean, you can think about Joel being with someone else, and life after you’re…after you’re gone. I admire you for that. I truly do, but I just don’t think I’d be able to do that…”
I shifted in my chair uncomfortably.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Beth continued. “What you’re doing is brave and I just don’t think I could be as brave as you. You’re a strong woman, Cara.”
“Let’s go see it,” I said, with a little too much enthusiasm.
“Um…see what?” Alicia said nervously as she looked at Beth.
“My plot. Let’s go see where I’m going to be buried.”
It took a little while to convince them, but I finally managed to. I don’t know why I wanted to see my grave…I’d like to say that there was something meaningful in seeing it or that it would ease my worries or something. The truth was, it was more of a morbid curiosity. I didn’t have a reasoning behind it, I just wanted to see it.
Beth drove us underneath the old iron sign that read ‘Ashville Cemetery’ and across the gravel drive until we came to a stop at the mausoleum in the center. When we got out of the car, I sat down in my wheelchair and hooked up my oxygen tank. There was no way I’d be able to push myself through the gravel, especially with as weak as I was getting, so Alicia pushed me instead.
“So, where to?” Beth asked as she looked around.
I narrowed my gaze against the bright sun as I looked around. A slight breeze blew my hair across my face.
“Section D, plot one thirty-two.”
“So that would be….” Alicia looked around.
“Over there.” Beth found the marker with the letter D and pointed in that direction.
“Forward, ho.” Alicia spun me around and we went off in the direction Beth was pointing.
It took us a little while to find the right grave. The only markers for them were along the pathway we walked on. Each marker had the numbers for the graves in the row behind it so when we found the right marker, we still had to count out the amount of burial plots by looking ahead of us to the graves with stones, otherwise, we wouldn’t have known how wide a burial plot would be.
“Here it is,” Beth said once we were on top of it and Alicia stopped pushing my chair.
No one said anything as we stood there in silence. For a few moments, I just sat there, taking it all in: the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair as the sun kissed my skin, the music of the birds chirping in the distance and the rustling of leaves from the trees. In that moment, it was easy to tell that there was something more out there. There was more than just our short time on this earth while we’re alive, I just knew it. It gave me faith in believing that once I was gone, I would still be able to watch over my family. I would still be there, just in a different form. At least, that’s what I was telling myself because there had to be more. There had to be.
“So…this is awkward…” Leave it to
Beth to break the silence.
I got out of my chair and lay down on the ground, right where I would be lying for eternity.
“Nope, this is awkward,” Alicia laughed.
I just lay there with my eyes closed and poured out some of my so-called wisdom as Beth and Alicia lay down beside me.
“You know,” I said. “Most people don’t have a chance for this, and I don’t mean just the laying on your grave thing…I mean the whole having control thing. Like, how many people get to have control over nearly everything for their funeral? We all have the choice to make arrangements ourselves but most people are too scared of death to even consider it. No one likes to talk about death. Death is our true forever but we’re too scared to admit it so we all pretend that it’s not real…that death doesn’t happen. But eventually, it catches up to us. It sneaks up on us and slaps us in the face with the truth…that death is real and everyone does die. Just, some die sooner than later.
“I guess I got the chance to control it. I got the chance to say if I was okay with dying or not and I got the chance to make my plans. So many people live their life like they have an unlimited amount of time, like their life will last forever. Most of the time we even say forever when we talk about love. But you look around and you see everyone living like they really have forever and when they realize they don’t, it’s too late. They didn’t get to see the value in the things without a price tag. They didn’t get to say those “sorrys” or “I love yous.” They realize they spent too much time being angry and wanting everything they don’t have instead of being happy and loving what they do,” I paused for a moment as I looked up to the sky.
“It’s kind of sad, really,” I continued. “But right now, I’m in control. And I’m okay with it all.”
We lay there quietly for a few more moments before Alicia said, “Wow…that crap was too deep for me. Please excuse me while I realize I need to dump my crappy boyfriend and make myself happy.”
“No shit, right?” Beth sat up, laughing. “Now I am officially ready for you to use your C-card on Ryan.”
I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on them, but I had a condition that I liked to call word vomit. Sometimes I would have thoughts pop into my head and I can’t help but vomit them right out without thinking about what I’m doing until it’s too late. They were used to it, though, so half of the time they zoned me out, but then there were times like now where they took the words I said and actually listened to them. I may have no idea what I’m saying when I’m saying it, but apparently, it’s usually valuable information…
For some reason, I always seemed to find myself trying to keep everyone happy. Maybe I just didn’t want the last time I saw their faces to be when they were sad. I honestly don’t know. But I didn’t want them to be upset so I figured I’d lighten the mood.
“You know what really, really sucks, though,” I paused but not long enough to let either of them speak. “I won’t even get to see how my favorite shows end.”
They both started laughing and it made me feel better knowing I’d succeeded in lightening the mood. But I really was mad that I wouldn’t get to see how the shows ended, so I went on complaining.
“Seriously, you know how much it sucks waiting through the midseason breaks or all those long months before the show comes back on or how every single episode leaves you on edge at the last scene? Well, I won’t get to see how the damn shows end. I want to know, dang it! Who’s going to survive to the end of the zombie apocalypse? Do they ever start a civilization again?”
“Maybe you should write them,” Beth said. I wasn’t sure if it was sarcasm or not.
“Write who, exactly? The show’s producer? The people at the TV station? Maybe whoever is the screenwriter? I don’t know.”
“Well, I don’t know either. I was just throwing it out there.”
“No, you know what it means?” Alicia was a little too excited which always scared me because you never know what was going on in that head of hers.
“What?” I slowly said.
“You get to make up your own ending.”
“Well, that defeats the dang purpose. I don’t want to make up my own, I want to know about that one.”
“Well, beggars can’t be choosers now, can they?”
We all laughed and God, that moment was amazing. I may never get to find out how my favorite shows end, but at least I knew that my story was going to end with some pretty amazing friends by my side.
I spent the rest of the day out and about with them. I could have spent that time thinking about how that was most likely the last time I’d get to have a girls’ day with my two best friends, but instead, I chose to look at the bright side, that I was actually getting the chance to have that day. There are people that don’t get the chance for that ‘one last day’ and I was blessed enough to b
e able to. So I spent the day smiling, grateful for the memories we were making.
It took me a while to realize that they kept trying to get me to eat something. Even if it was just a granola bar, they were trying. I realized it was because I hadn’t eaten since we went to brunch and it was now four in the afternoon. It wasn’t that I was trying not to eat because Lord did I miss being able to eat whatever I wanted. I just wasn’t hungry. I managed to eat two granola bars and as good as they were, I was hoping they stayed down because nothing tasted good coming back up. Not eating just added to my dizzy spells and I always felt guilty, like I wasn’t feeding my baby. The same could be said for when I would throw up - I felt like I was taking her nutrients away from her, nutrients that no amount of vitamins could give her.
I knew that it wasn’t my fault because my baby would always come before me. I knew that if I had the chance, that I would be just like my mother… I could remember times when we didn’t have much food in the house and my mom would always go without eating. She would make sure my dad and I were fed but save the leftovers, if there were any, for us to eat the next day. She always said she wasn’t hungry or that she had already eaten, but she was sacrificing herself for us. So, I guess in a way, I kind of am like her already …
It was weird, really…now that I think about it. I was losing weight as my body was thinning out. My muscles were disappearing as quickly as the good cells in my blood but at the same time, I was getting bigger. Even though I was decaying, Amelia was growing. It was like some beautiful symphony the way both things were happening at once.
When we got back to my house and I was getting ready for my shower, I had to stop and look at myself in the mirror. At first, I saw my belly and I rubbed my hands over it. I saw how much Amelia Rose has grown since I first looked at my little baby bump in this mirror. Though my stomach wasn’t quite the size of a watermelon, it sure felt like one. I think Amelia was closer to the size of a cantaloupe, actually.
