by Candis Vargo
The man kept apologizing, and the mother was trying to console her crying daughter, so you hopped right up, knowing one sure way to make that little girl happy again. You bought her another waffle cone with sherbet, but this time it had two scoops on it. The smile on her face made you smile, but watching you was what made me smile. I knew in that moment that you would be the best mother in the world and I couldn’t have been more proud of you. You were such a selfless, wonderful, strong woman who put others before yourself. And though I know you aren’t getting the chance to get our daughter some ice cream, you proved you could be the best mother in the world, just as I thought. You sacrificed yourself for her. For our little angel.
Remember that guy I thought helped get your oxygen tank after the accident? Well, it turns out that I really did go crazy because there wasn’t anyone there. They said that he lost the breaks in his truck before he hit us, but he died on impact.
I don’t know who it was. I don’t know who I saw, but I know I saw someone.
I may have been seeing people, but I wasn’t hearing voices because apparently, Ryan’s truck had that OnStar, or something like that anyway.
For the next few days, there was always someone there with me. Most of the time there were several people around at once, always there to help me.
When it came time for your funeral, I should have known that you would have had everything planned. You were always like that…protective of me. I always tried to protect you too, we just did it in different ways as we protected each other from different things. But you should know that I have my spot saved right beside you, though it’s weird seeing my name on a tombstone already… Don’t worry. Charlotte isn’t left out in the cold. I know you wouldn’t like that, and frankly, she would probably kill me if I left her out like that. She’s right on the other side. When it’s my turn to go, I will be laid to rest with the two loves of my life.
After the funeral, though, that’s when people stopped coming by so much. And in those few moments when it was just our Amelia and me, that’s when it really hit me. You’ll never come home again. I’ll never get to feel the warmth of your touch or hear the sound of your laughter. We had our last kiss, and I will never get to feel you in my arms again. But I saw you in her eyes. Though she was so little, I knew that when she grew up, she would be just like you.
You know…a love like the one we had is a rare thing in this world. It always has been. I know you didn’t understand how I stayed by your side through all of the sickness and through death…but there wasn’t anywhere else I’d rather have been. I remember a time when the company I worked for shut down. There was no warning, nothing like that…I just went to work one day and came home a few hours later. When I told you what happened, you just looked at me and said, “Okay. We’ll figure it out together.” And we did, but not before nearly losing everything we had. You were busting your butt at work to try and pay for everything while I looked for another job. I couldn’t find one for the longest time… but you never wavered from my side, Cara. Not once. I know that the thought never crossed your mind.
We were something, weren’t we? Well, it never once crossed my mind to stray from your side either. I wanted to be there every step of the way. And I’m not going to lie, it hurt like hell. Losing you like that…I thought someone ripped my heart out of my chest.
I didn’t realize how long the days could actually be, but they were nothing compared to the nights. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and reaching for you only to remember that you weren’t there… and that you weren’t coming back. It was only instinct, the way my arm would slide across to your side of the bed, wanting to wrap around you and bring you close to me.
I don’t remember when I stopped reaching for you when my body remembered that you weren’t ever coming back…but I would hold your pillow and keep it close to me. It smelled just like your hair did every night. But as with everything…eventually that faded too.
Every time someone looked at me, they wore that sympathy in their eyes, I’m sure you know the look I’m talking about…to this day, some people still give it to me. Some people have even asked how you get over something like that, how you move on. The truth is, you never do. You just learn to live with it. It gets to the point where some days you don’t think about it too much, and other days it’s all you can think about…
You know, Amelia has always known about you. I never tried to hide the truth from her, and Charlotte didn’t either…every birthday, every holiday…Charlotte would come out here to see you right along with Amelia and me…you’d like her.
Anyway, at the funeral, Beth and Alicia both shared some stories about you, and they both let it slip about how you laid on your grave one time. You should have known they would rat you out eventually. They never mean to, but some way, somehow, they always manage to do it.
I couldn’t help but laugh, though. I was glad that they got to share moments like that with you, to make you smile… I miss that smile.
You were smiling until the very end…that’s one thing the cancer didn’t take from you. You may have had your moments of sadness and your moments of doubt, but the cancer never took away your faith and happiness. I can only hope to be as brave as you when it’s my time…
I really hope that there is more out there and that you’re somehow still around. Because if there’s not then I’m standing here talking to myself… I’ve never been a real spiritual guy, you know that. But there are times when I truly feel like you are with me like you are standing right beside me or guiding me. It’s a weird feeling; it’s kind of serene, yet there’s an urgency in it.
And I did it. She’s such a strong, wonderful woman who reminds me a lot of you. You were right about her changing the world, you know. I didn’t want to say it then, but I thought you were crazy. But wouldn’t you know it, she’s determined to be a doctor that, as she puts it, helps with people who are sick like her mommy was. We don’t tell her the details, she’s too young for that. She speaks with such certainty when she says she’s going to be a doctor, it’s like she can see her future or something.
I tell you what, I believe her.
You did good, Cara…you did good.
I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you all of this. All of the times I came to visit, I could never get out the words. Charlotte has tried to get me to tell you this for years, but I couldn’t get past telling her. I want to ask her to marry me, Cara. It just didn’t feel right unless I came here to talk to you first. It’s hard, but it’s also what I want. Charlotte would be a great stepmom. She keeps your memory alive for Amelia and me. She’s awesome like that. She also kept all of those butterflies you got for Amelia’s room, that way Amelia could have them whenever she gets married and has a baby—which won’t be for a long, long time. Anyway, here I am.
Oh, and Beth kept her word on making me some of your cookies from the dough you made. Still, it never quite tastes the same; it was nowhere near as good as when you made it. They were always over or undercooked, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her. I hope you don’t mind, but we ended up passing the recipe over to Charlotte, and we changed the name of the cookies. We stopped calling them Love Cookies and started calling them Cara’s Cookies. Charlotte tries to make some at least once a month. Even she calls them Cara’s Cookies…
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, you know. I hate having to talk to this stone. It’s so dark and cold, and you were warm and bright. Nothing will ever be the same.
You will always have my heart… Until we’re together again.
I will always love you.
EPILOGUE
They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die, and that’s not far from the truth. It’s probably different for everyone, in what they see. But I saw my life, and the life I could have had. I was fully aware of what was happening to me as they tried to bring me back because I wasn’t completely gone yet. My mind was too busy showing me everything…
It’s crazy how much your mind is capable of seeing in such a short amount of time.
It’s like God shows you all of the pivotal moments in your life that made you the person you are…or were, I guess.
Of all things, it started off with the moments that I first met Joel. There were flashes of his face, his smile, the look in his eyes when he looked at me—how deep in love they were…
I saw everything from the day we met to the day we got engaged when he got on his knee on the beach and asked me to marry him in front of a crowd of people.
Then there were the flashes of our wedding and our life throughout the pregnancy. All of those moments which meant so much to me. The moment I found out I was pregnant, the first kick, all the way to the birth, even.
Then there were the moments that would never happen.
I saw myself sitting in the rocking chair in Amelia’s room, holding her and rocking her while singing her to sleep. I saw her sleeping peacefully in her crib.
Then I saw all of the pivotal moments in her life.
I saw her roll over for the first time…her first time crawling. Her first step. I saw her wave goodbye to me as she got on the school bus for the first time and she smiled…she had my smile…
I saw her first date and her first heartbreak. The Christmases and birthdays. Her high school graduation. And when she went off to college she waved to me just like she did on the first day of kindergarten, only she got in a car instead of on a bus. I got to see her throw that cap into the air after graduating medical school.
Every moment I saw Joel with her, it filled me with pride knowing I picked the best husband in the world. I never thought I could love him more than I already did, but he proved me wrong. In every image I saw him right there with our little girl, never leaving her side, and I fell in love with him all over again every time.
Her engagement, her wedding, and God did she look beautiful. I saw her with her first baby, and then I saw her as a baby in my arms again.
It was beautiful in its own way, really. It was like I saw the life she would live, though I wouldn’t be able to be with her along the way—like God told me I did what he had wanted me to all along and as a reward, I got to see it all, even if it was all within a few seconds.
I think back on the last few months of my life, and it’s bittersweet. I was dying so slowly for such a long time only to leave it so fast. I guess that’s life’s way of letting me know that even if you think you know when you’re going to die, you don’t. Tomorrow really isn’t guaranteed…
Now, as for what happens after all of that, I’m not allowed to share that with you. But it’s okay now, and I’m not sad. I wouldn’t change my decision, not for one second. I’m at peace, and I hope you can find peace too.
THE END
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
There is one person in particular that helped me make this book what it is today. Without her, my ideas and words wouldn’t have breathed life into these pages.
Korinne Ladd, thank you for not being afraid to tell me what worked and what didn’t (even if it was an entire subplot). Thank you for believing in my story as much as I do, and loving Cara and Joel like they are real people. Even if you did have a hard time editing some scenes because your eyes were blurry from tears, without you, I don’t think this book would have turned out so tragically beautiful.
