Katie was more saddened than embarrassed by her husband’s behaviour. She absently rubbed her bump, idly wondering when she would first feel the baby kick. Her husband drew back in his chair, accidentally elbowing her in the ribs as he did so.
“Sorry,” he said, and then he turned back to his conversation.
Oh Matthew, thought Katie, why does everything have to be a fight with you? Why can’t you just sit back and accept these people’s company, just for the evening? It’s never just a night out for you, is it? It’s a challenge: everything is about you proving a point.
Alex returned to the room, supposedly from the toilet. He nodded to his partner, Helen - Katie and Matthew’s host - slipped into his chair and resumed his conversation with Anya to his right, thanked Freddy for the refill to his glass, looked everywhere but at Katie who was fingering her cheap necklace and rubbing her tiny bump and feeling the slipperiness between her legs where Alex had just been.
Ten minutes in an upstairs bedroom. How much of it was attraction, and oh yes, Alex was so attractive it hurt, and how much of it was the illicit thrill? Of knowing she was having sex whilst somewhere downstairs, Matthew was still arguing away, oblivious to the embarrassed and patronising expressions he would provoking.
Well Matthew, she thought, I’ve done it. Alex tried and tried and in the end he just broke down my resistance, as he knew he would. But you know Matthew; I don’t feel guilty. You drove me to it.
If she said it often enough she might begin to believe it.
“Twins?” said Matthew, “Are you sure?”
“No,” said Katie, her voice heavy with sarcasm, “I wasn’t really listening to what the radiographer was saying. I suppose it might have been ‘fins’ she saw inside me. Maybe she was trying to tell me I was going to give birth to a fish.”
Matthew sucked at his bottom lip. He had turned pale.
“Sorry Katie,” he said. “It’s the surprise. Why didn’t they see that you were having twins sooner?”
His wife said nothing.
“Well, I’m not sure how we’re going to afford it, but I guess we’ll find a way.”
He shook his head slowly. A gentle smile dawned on his face.
“Still. Twins. Two babies. That’ll be something.”
He smiled at his wife. She was fighting back tears.
“I suppose that puts an end to our hopes of moving into Monagan Hall.”
Matthew was trying to smile, but you could see the confusion on his face.
“Monagan Hall? But Katie, come on. We never really had enough money to move into Monagan Hall. Besides, it’s no place to raise children.”
He gently took her hand.
“Come on prettykitty, we wouldn’t be happy there. It’s all very well for Alex and Helen with their trekking in India lifestyle and their matched pair of Mercedes, but they’re not like us. Come on, you don’t really want to live there, do you?”
Katie snatched her hand away.
“Don’t tell me what I want,” she snapped.
Do you expect the best?
Monagan Hall.
An exclusive development of one, two and three bedroom flats located in this elegantly restored Manor house. A haven for professional people. Relax in the beautiful grounds, play tennis in the private courts, swim in the indoor pool or have a workout in the gym followed by a relaxing sauna.
Each spacious flat has an interior that whispers- rather than shouts- individuality…
Katie lay back in bed reading the brochure. Her back was aching, her feet were aching, her womb was aching. The twins had been kicking all night: it felt as if they were having a fight in there.
One of them had kicked Alex earlier that day. Kicked him in the stomach during the middle of their furtive lovemaking in one of Monagan Hall’s exclusive flats. One of the ones with a view over the beautiful grounds. Alex had had laughed, withdrawn from her, turned her over, and entered her from behind. Even as she had knelt there on all fours she had thought it unusual.
I’m carrying another man’s children in me, she had thought. My husband’s children. Doesn’t it bother you at all, Alex? Don’t moments like this just awaken a little twinge in you? Aren’t men who have affairs with their best friend’s wives supposed to turn around the pictures on the mantelpiece? Don’t you have that last little sense of wrongness? Isn’t there a line that you wouldn’t cross because it’s going just too far? Don’t you have that Alex?
He didn’t. He wouldn’t. And that’s what she found so fucking attractive about him: the way that the world just arranged itself for his benefit. Alex believed that was the way things should be, and so things happened that way. At work, at play, everything just bent itself to his will.
Helen, Alex’s partner, was just the same. It was the same with all the residents of Monagan Hall.
They had stepped into the world and bent it to a shape that suited themselves. They lived in the expensively furnished flats and invited each other around for wine and dinner; they discussed business in the saunas and shaped the future of the country in elegantly tiled bars after keenly fought games of tennis.
And other people, lesser people like Katie, had to be content with serving in their bars or making their beds. Or fucking them.
Matthew came to bed wearing nothing but a hopeful expression.
Katie rolled over, put her back to him.
Her husband gave a sigh and climbed into bed, pulling on an old T-shirt as he did so.
“What are you reading?” he asked.
“Nothing,” said Katie, allowing the brochure to slip to the floor.
Matthew’s silence was a loud accusation.
Katie could feel him, sitting up in bed behind her.
After a few minutes he got up to turn off the light. Katie lay awake for ages, her hand on her bump, feeling the twins in there. They really did seem to fighting, she thought. Was that usual? She didn’t know. The past few weeks had been such a moral fog she didn’t really know what was usual any more. If she was honest, she didn’t even believe she was having twins. She had been so sure there was only one child in there, originally. But where could the second one have come from?
The kicking was getting worse.
Katie was making her way across the kitchen for another glass of orange juice, and then suddenly she was doubled over in pain. The kicking inside her grew increasingly frantic. More than ever she felt as if the little bastards were having a fight in there.
She pushed the fridge door shut and fumbled the cordless phone from the kitchen counter. Pressed autodial and waited for the answer.
“Hello?”
Katie felt so relieved to hear the voice.
“Ma? It’s me. Ma, it’s worse than ever. It feels like they’re fighting to the death in there. Was it this bad with you?”
Her mother paused before answering. Katie guessed she was sipping tea. When she answered, her tone was less than comforting.
“Not that bad Kate, but I never had twins. I don’t know what that’s like. I told you, you should see the doctor. Why haven’t you seen the doctor yet, Katie? That’s what I keep telling you.”
The fighting had stopped. It was almost as if they were listening to what she had to say. Katie straightened up, one hand on her stomach. Such a relief.
“Oh Ma,” said Katie. “I don’t know. I feel such a fool. I’m twice the age of the other mothers at the clinic. There’s a girl there who’s only fourteen. I see her grunt when the baby kicks. She doesn’t complain, and she’s just a kid.”
“That’s the point, Kate. You’re not a kid any more. It’s harder when you get older. Tell the doctor. It could be serious.”
“Okay,” said Katie,
“You will tell the doctor, won’t you? You’re not just saying that because it’s what I want to hear?”
“I said, I’ll tell him,”
“That’s my girl. How’s Matthew?”
“Well, you know.”
There was an edge to her mother’s vo
ice.
“Don’t you neglect him, Kate. You could have done far worse for a husband. You were a spoilt lass, you know. Comes of being the youngest by eight years. You take him far too much for granted.”
“Don’t nag.”
“Okay Katie. Now you won’t forget the doctor, will you dear?”
“I won’t, Ma.”
They said goodbye and Katie ended the call and replaced the handset on the counter. She placed both her hands on her stomach and wondered about calling the doctor. But the babies felt so still at the moment. She must be overreacting. What had the nurse said? Listen to your body. Baby knows best. What was baby saying now?
She stood in the quiet of the kitchen, the knocking of a bluebottle on the widow the only noise. Listening to what the baby was saying. Oddly enough, she could imagine what it was saying. It was saying
Leave it, it will be alright. Leave it.
It sounded just like Alex, The baby was speaking in Alex’s voice. But then again, like they said, Baby knows best.
Okay. She would leave it.
Later on, taking a bath to ease the pain in her aching back she remembered: there were two babies. Didn’t the other baby have anything to say? Or did the first baby have its hand over the second baby’s mouth, twisting its arm behind its back, hissing in its ear to keep quiet.
Her waters broke in the supermarket.
The manager was very good. Calm and efficient, there was no hurry. She was a young woman, younger than Katie, she got her shopping into the office and called Matthew. Arranged for him to meet Katie at the hospital and then called for a taxi to take her there.
If Katie felt anything it was embarrassment. Embarrassment at the fuss that was being made, embarrassment at the way the manager spread an old towel on the back seat of the taxi and then winked. She shouldn’t have felt so embarrassed The manager was a middle aged woman who gave the impression of having seen everything.
“My first one surprised me when I was at the cinema,” she said, her hand on the taxi door. “You should have seen my Rod’s face as he tried to help me out of the seats. I kept standing on people’s feet, banging my bump on the people in front. He didn’t know where to put himself. I didn’t care.”
She swung the door shut with a final Good Luck!
Katie was blushing as the car pulled away.
Matthew wasn’t at the hospital to meet her. That surprised her.
The doctor examined her and announced everything was okay. She was experiencing minor contractions. It could be up to another forty-eight hours yet before the baby was born.
They lay her in a bed and left her there. The pains came back again. The pain of the babies fighting each other, but worse now than ever. So bad that the nurses came back and gave her a little something to make her feel easier.
“You don’t want that!” said the girl in the bed opposite. A young woman, eighteen or nineteen, already on her third pregnancy. She spoke with the voice of experience. “Not now. You won’t appreciate the drugs later when the pain really starts!”
Katie didn’t care: the pain was already too bad. The drug took hold and she lay there feeling dopey and distracted. Two babies were fighting inside her. They were fighting each other for life. No, that was silly…
Matthew eventually turned up; he came and sat by her bedside. He seemed strangely distracted. Nonetheless, he’d brought a big bottle of Lucozade and a bag full of glossy magazines. Cheshire Life, House and Home and Interiors; all the sorts of things that she liked.
Katie was gazing unseeing at one of the magazines. A kitchen, bleached wood and pale green tiles. Stainless steel fittings. It had seemed so important a few weeks ago but now it seemed strangely empty. She felt something moving inside her and she felt frightened. Something was missing from her life. She thought that she knew what it was…
“Hah, look at this,” said Matthew, and there was that edge to his voice again. Matthew had been so distant these past few days. She had barely noticed it in her excitement and fear.
“Matthew, I’m frightened…”
He ignored her and carried on speaking.
“They’ve done a feature on Monagan Hall. I tell you what; Alex is going to be insufferable when he finds out about this. He’ll go out of his way not to mention it. He’ll be so affectedly dismissive and embarrassed by the whole thing.”
He flapped the heavy magazine across to Katie. Not knowing what else to do, she picked it up and looked at the double page spread, the glossy smell rising around her as she looked at the picture of the grey stone building. A couple in tennis whites strode across the yellow gravel of the drive.
“Matthew, I’ve got something to tell you…”
Matthew gave a little laugh.
“Hah. You know, it used to be one man and his family who lived there. Four or five people in that great building with hundreds of staff to serve their every need. Now the world is a lot bigger and instead of five parasites living there, there are fifty. The building seems to attract them like bees to a hive. They look at the world and take what they want and stamp over everything else and remake it their own image. Everything they touch they sully and turn into cheap copies of themselves.”
He was staring at her now, staring at her significantly. He was trying to tell her something, but why wasn’t he listening to her, doped up and doing her best to concentrate?
Her voice was a whisper.
“Matthew. It’s the babies. One of them is trying to kill the other one…”
Did she speak that or imagine it? Matthew didn’t seem to have heard her. He lowered his voice and spoke slowly and deliberately.
“You’ve been sleeping with Alex, haven’t you?” He sounded so sad. “It’s all round the office. You were seen leaving Monagan Hall. I confronted him. You know, he didn’t even bother denying it. He just stood there grinning at me…”
His voice was cold, yet his eyes blinked rapidly. Katie felt a rush of shame.
Yes Matthew, Oh I’m sorry but I couldn’t help it, he just looks at you and it’s like that’s the way is the world is going to be. You’re right. He just alters the world to suit himself. He’s put his child inside me. Don’t ask me how, but he did it. I was already pregnant with your child when I first slept with him, but he did it anyway, because that’s what he wanted and he always gets what he wants. He’s reproduced, put his offspring into the world without it affecting his and Helen’s lifestyle. Their trekking in India and their twin Mercedes. They’ll just go on doing that while I have their baby for them, and you know, Matthew, its just pushing yours aside…
But he couldn’t hear her. Was she speaking or hallucinating? Matthew just went on speaking in that cold voice…
“… Like he didn’t give a damn about being find out. Like he’d had his fun and it just didn’t matter. Oh Katie! How could you?”
His face was a mixture of anger and despair. A tear formed at the corner of one eye.
Oh Matthew, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but you must listen, his child its… I read a magazine article once, baby sharks, they eat each other in the womb, wipe out their competitors…
He absently brushed the tear from the corner of his eye.
“I’ll stay here for the birth of my child Katie. I’ll do that.” He suddenly crumpled, and his face was a picture of pure misery.
“No. Fuck that, I’ll stay here for you Katie. I can’t do anything else…”
He looked away, his eyes filled with tears. He didn’t see Katie reach out to take his hand. She needed to hold him, needed his support.
What was it? She was doped up on the moment, too far gone to concentrate any more…
Her hand rubbed her stomach. Matthew’s child was in there fighting for its life. She knew it was fighting in vain.
She felt the lazy throb of a contraction. They were increasing in intensity.
Not long now until the baby was born.
BUKOWSKI ON MARS, WITH BEER
by
ERIC BROWN
&n
bsp; "Wake up, Buk!"
I opened my eyes. A guy in a silver suit and goggles was standing by the bed.
I said, "Hey, man, it ain't Buk as in fuck. It's Buke as in puke, okay?"
The man smiled and it reminded me of my father's smile.
I sat up. "Where am I?"
That last I remembered I was in a bar someplace in downtown LA. I remembered being thrown into the street and passing out. I felt fine now, not even a hangover.
"Where's Jane?"
"Buk," he said, getting it right this time. "Lie down. Listen to me. You're a long way from home."
"I am, huh? Get me a beer, okay?"
He reached out behind me and came back with a bottle of beer. I didn't recognize the brand but I wasn't complaining. I chugged it down. It was good and cold and I felt better for it.
I looked around. I was in a circular room with a good view over red sand. "Listen, buddy, why not tell me what the fuck's going on?"
The man removed his goggles and his eyes were silver. "You're on Mars, Buk," he said.
"You're taking it well, Buk."
I took it well when my father strapped me every day for years, I took it well when big fuckers tried to beat me up in bars in LA and New Orleans and Atlanta and Pittsburgh and New York. The trick was not to show what you're feeling inside. The trick was to freeze.
The guy in the funny suit said I was on Mars. I froze.
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