‘Here you are, safe home,’ she said emptily, then averted her eyes.
Tenille didn’t move to get out and Sidonie didn’t reach for her door. She sat still and tense, looking down, hands resting on the wheel apparently relaxed, but inside, wound up tighter than a spring.
Tenille risked a glance at the lowered head and saw her face, intense and forlorn. The sight of such distress, which cut through her agonizingly, overwhelmed her. She felt so much for this girl, it was almost more than she could bear to witness, this degree of torment. Before she knew it she had reached out her left hand and, with the backs of her curved fingers, stroked the smooth softness of her cheek. She wanted so much to give comfort, to ease the pain, but she didn’t know how. She felt her stiffen and stopped, appalled. Had she done the wrong thing … again?
Sidonie had felt the merest brush, a feather-light touch across her cheek. She held her breath. Yes. She had been touched. Her heart began to pound, the drumming in her head creating a red mist around her. She would expire from this agony of longing. She saw Tenille’s eyes, like dark pools in moonlight, regarding her with tenderness. The message she read in them was not clear, but she could tell she was concerned. She reached up and held Tenille’s hand where it lay. Looking at her, she smiled. Tenille saw the most illumined expression on the handsome face. Such anguish had filled her eyes, now their depths reflected a deep indigo and the light from the street lamp put a twinkling star into each. She felt so close at this moment and smiled back, gently. There was no need for words to cement this meeting of their souls.
Tenille felt trembly and soft inside and somehow full of ‘giving’. She simply leaned sideways and rested her head on Sidonie’s shoulder and brought her other hand to rest on the thigh, just above the knee. She felt a quiver thrill through the girl’s body. In response her heart constricted; such a tightness in her chest she could hardly draw breath. So close to this marvellous creature. Her nearness overwhelmed her senses as she took in the smell of her flesh. Her nostrils flared and she involuntarily licked her lips. Acutely aware of the hardness of the muscles where her hand rested, everything else was erased from her mind, so totally focused on this physical presence.
She stayed like this until control over her emotions was regained, then she lifted her head and Sidonie moved in closer, putting her arm around her shoulders and urging her against her body. Resting her head once more she could feel heat through the thin fabric of the shirt.
Sidonie felt such joy within her as she clasped this woman close, reflecting that only an hour ago she had decided to settle for adoring from afar. Now here they were. The mutual understanding, which had passed between them when they had smiled, was the only encouragement she needed. Suddenly her whole world was bright with promise. She reached over with her left hand and rested it against Tenille’s curved neck, to cradle her head against her body.
Neither said a word. The physical contact, too long desired, now allowed an easing of tension. Their breathing steadied. They had just passed through the first gate on a long journey. What lay ahead was unknown, but for the moment, the solace their nearness provided was enough. Somehow their destinies were entwined, of this they were sure. There had been so much trepidation. Too scared of rejection on one side, to make the first move; of giving offence on the other, to reveal deep feelings. Coming together like this provided a foundation of trust that would allow them to build for the future. It felt so right, so natural; they could only wonder what took them so long.
‘Are you comfortable?’ Sidonie’s solicitous enquiry.
‘Mm..m very, thank you. Except my left hip is beginning to feel a bit numb, so I guess I’ll have to move, but I don’t want to. I’d like to stay here for ever.’ Her voice had a lubricious drowsiness to it.
‘How fanciful you are, Tenille,’ she chuckled, ‘but I love it. I could stay like this for ever too, but truth to tell, just like you, my right shoulder is getting stiff.’
They both laughed as they separated, feeling unbelievably happy. There was excitement in the air; a promise of better things ahead, a shimmering vision of the future beckoning. Not yet, but when the time was right. For now their world was readjusting to its proper axis. The past few weeks, filled with such desolate longing, born of unfulfilled yearning, were behind them. They felt good; had found each other and were together on this miraculous planet … and they had to say goodbye. Their laughter died as Sidonie checked her watch.
‘A six o’clock start awaits. I should make tracks.’ Still holding Tenille’s hand she gave it a little squeeze. ‘Can I see you tomorrow.’ They needed to be somewhere alone.
‘I’m doing Caravan for the next two days,’ she explained, regretfully. ‘How about Wednesday?’
‘Oh no’ she groaned ‘It’s Softball practise. No can skip.’ She looked crestfallen then rallied. ‘It’s okay, I’m just being impatient. You would probably describe it as immature, but I will hate a day to go by without seeing you.’
Tenille blushed at the pleasure of these words. That she should want to be with her so much was wonderful … and overwhelming. Devon had never been so forthright.
‘There’s always Thursday night,’ Sidonie continued, easily. Now it was Tenille’s turn to be dismayed.
‘I’m doing Caravan again Thursday,’ beginning to feel disheartened about ever getting together. How to go from being so happy one moment to being in the depths the next.
‘Well, I guess I’ll see you when I see you,’ Sidonie felt so deflated. Of course there was the gym Friday, but that was too public. Not the same at all. She had heard the disappointment in Tenille’s voice, but wasn’t yet ready to give up.
‘Tenille.’ looking at her eagerly. ‘Do you have to go to the gym tomorrow?’ Tenille’s brows shot up. ‘Could you go another night and come to Riverdale Park with me? You said you wanted to see the women play.’ She couldn’t bring herself to say, me play.
‘But you said before not to come,’ Tenille objected.
‘Yes. I did, but I hadn’t realized we would encounter all these problems.’
‘Then that would be perfect.’ She didn’t mind skipping a night.
“Well, not quite perfect,” Sidonie mused. “Too many damn dykes about.” But really, she couldn’t wait to show Tenille off and now they did seem to have an understanding.
‘Give me the details and I’ll be there.’
‘No, I’ll pick you up. I’ll call you tomorrow and we can arrange things. I really must go now. Sorry, but that’s life,’ she observed regretfully.
Opening her door, she swung her feet to the ground. On the sidewalk, they didn’t touch, only looked at each other for a moment, then Sidonie turned away saying: ‘I’ll call.’
“Like before,” Tenille thought, she was left standing by the roadside, but no desolation this time. Oh no, she had tomorrow to look forward to.
‘See you, darling,’ she whispered softly under her breath.
* * *
Driving back to the residence, Sidonie had some time to think. She needed to work through this new development; had not expected Tenille to watch her play and certainly not this soon. She needed to figure out if she was lesbian. If so – had she been out long, or only a short time? Also, was she in the gay world or had she been isolated; in other words, was she ready for Lesbians en masse, so to speak? She could hear the jokes and picture the sly looks that would pass around. As she turned into Woodbine she hit on a plan. She didn’t trust those butches as far as she could throw them. Although they played together, with a pretty face on the scene, it was every woman for herself, unless she was part of an item. Nevertheless, any hint of rockiness – there was always someone waiting to provide consolation – and anything else that might be needed.
As soon as work was done for the day, she went straight to lunch then back to the Residence, showered and changed. The sweet warmth of the morning air had promised a very hot day and now the dense clouds had fragmented, drifting away, no longer obscuring the sun. She
walked round to the phone booth, grabbing an Oasis from the machine as she went. She had Reine’s work number. She had to wait a short time for her to come to the desk. With the beguiling warmth of a nascent summer’s day, she and her colleagues had taken their lunch outside. She worked at Queen’s Park.
‘Surprise, surprise,’ came the hearty voice down the line. ‘To what do I owe this honor? You’re not going to tell me you can’t make it, are you.’
Sidonie laughed: ‘Never. Listen Reine, could you and Thea be real pals tomorrow and take care of Tenille for me? Especially Thea, when I’m on?’ There was an unmistakable imperiousness to her words.
‘Tenille, eh? Okay good buddy, what’s the scoop? Tell all or no can do,’ Reine quipped.
‘This is serious Reine.’ She wanted to be sure Reine understood how momentous this was.
‘OK, what’s it about?’
‘Not much to tell really, but let’s say there’s potential.’
‘Mm..m?’
She gave in a little. ‘Look, it’s like this. We’re new friends, so I don’t know much about her.’
‘Except you think she’s pretty hot stuff, but you need more time,’ interjected Reine. ‘I know your type. I’m forever telling Thea to stay away from dykes like you.’ She gave a deep belly laugh. Reine was always the one who enjoyed her own jokes the most.
‘Reine, quit that. This is pivotal,’ she growled. ‘She’s a really nice woman. Not like those chicks you tell Thea you’re never eyeing up,’ she got back. ‘It’s just I don’t know her background. I suspect she’s not out and hasn’t mixed much with Lesbians, if at all. I don’t want her scared off by someone like Phyl or Dee giving her the hard word.’
‘Mm …m. Get your drift.’
‘I just thought Thea could keep the mood light and sort of act like an early warning system. Apart from which, she’ll really like Tenille. She’s got a lovely nature and is really fun to be with,’ she finished.
‘And of course, that is your unbiased opinion – OK, OK, don’t answer that.’ Reine took the mirth out of her voice and said: ‘Yes, sure. We’ll be happy to help out. I owe you anyway for that little ah … em, scrape I got into. I really appreciate you taking that one on for me. Thea could have gotten very upset over her and I know she wasn’t worth a super woman like Thea. So what time are you getting there?’
‘Just about on time. I’m going to pick her up. She doesn’t drive and I don’t want her turning up to the park before me in case this is a new scene. I didn’t really want this to happen, but she pretty well forced my hand.’
‘You, forced?’ Reine snorted. ‘Now I’ve heard everything. This Babe must be someth’n special. I’m looking forward to meeting her. Okay Buddy, time to split. My sandwiches will be curly instead of cheesy.’
Sidonie hung up feeling more confident. Returning to her quarters her step was jaunty and she whistled softly between her teeth. She realized she felt better than she had in a long time.
* * *
Tenille watched the movement of the hands on the clock with impatience. She wanted five o’clock in the worst way. She pictured Sidonie sitting in the car, that white shirt with the buttons undone, her strong neck rising from the collar, her light, tawny hair gleaming like minted gold. She longed to feel it. What would it be like to put her hand at the nape of her neck and draw her face towards hers? Closer, she could see her lips …
‘Tenille. Have you finished stacking those boxes?’
The afternoon had been quite cooperative in speeding by and now it was time to pack up. If she was lucky with her connections she could be home and showering in an hour. She seemed to need more time to get ready when she was going to see Sidonie.
Calling out to Mrs. Sandrelli as she let herself in, she hoped there’d been a message. That good lady responded by poking her head round the living room door. ‘No, there’s been no phone call today.’
The rest of Serafina followed. ‘Are you expecting some nice young man to ring you? I wouldn’t be at all surprised. You look that pretty these days. I was a bit worried about you a while back, but now you look bellissima.’ Tenille’s color rose quickly, but she carried it off with a laugh.
‘Mrs. Sandrelli, what things you say. No I’m not expecting a man to call, I just want to know if I’m going to a softball game tonight.’
‘Oh, you like baseball do you? Furio used to love going to the Skydome to see the Blue Jays. I don’t follow myself. I had to live through the World Series when Toronto was playing the Atlanta Braves. It was a relief when the Blue Jays won and we could get on with our lives.’
Tenille had picked up a Mr. Submarine when she’d changed trains at Bloor and now settled down to eat, alert for the phone, wanting to beat Mrs. Sandrelli if possible. Spooning up yoghurt, she thought she heard the buzzing and leaped to her feet, wrenching open the door.
‘Hello’?’ she said breathlessly.
‘Hi Tenille.’
‘I thought it would be you,’ she responded, words tumbling over themselves. ‘So – we’re still on for tonight?’
‘Sure thing. I’ll be at your place about six-thirty. Okay?’
‘Yes. Yes, I’ll be ready.’
She didn’t want Tenille to go yet so she asked about her day. There wasn’t much to tell except she’d met Devon for lunch. She had phoned her at work that morning. Sidonie fumed inside. “She did, did she? What’s her angle, I wonder?” Her voice had a chilliness to it as she said: ‘Oh yes?’
‘Yes, we’d not had time for a chat recently so she thought this would be a good opportunity to catch up. No dance classes, you see.’ Quickly she added: ‘But that’s not important. Anything I should know about tonight?’
‘The practise goes ’til about eight-thirty. After that some of us drift off for drinks or whatever, for a chat.’
‘Not a problem.’ She updated her on the news Devon had passed on to her. ‘Raoul has got bookings for the middle of July, over a three-week period, so I put in for my vacation today. I don’t think there will be a problem. Phyllis is going to get back to me tomorrow.’
‘This will be a great opportunity for you.’ Sidonie tried to rally her sinking spirits. ‘I can see why you consider this so important. Tenille, I have to go now, someone wants the phone. Catch you later.’
As Sidonie hung up she knew she must face the fact that Tenille had a life of her own. She had no right to consider ruling it, or dictating to her. Her alter ego whispered that she was taking things too much to heart. “She’s an independent woman. She likes you, yes, but you have no place in her life. She wants to be a dancer. Stop wanting to make unreasonable demands.” Sidonie knew this to be sound advice.
“But I find her stunningly attractive; want to be with her all the time and want desperately to take her to bed.”
“That’s no reason for you to behave like some lovesick schmuck. It will only serve to turn her off. And you are worried about the other dykes queering your pitch? It looks like you could do a good job of it all by yourself. Get a grip Sid and grow up.”
While Sidonie got herself ready she selected a Moody Blues CD and played, I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. She couldn’t resist but follow this with Chris Isaak’s, THERE SHE GOES and then his re-make of Roy Orbison’s, ONLY THE LONELY. By now she’d be lucky if she could catch a football, let alone a softball.
* * *
Before entering the shower, Tenille looked through her closet, trying to decide what would be appropriate to wear for a ball practise. She had no idea what to expect and was fearful of standing out like the proverbial thumb. There were a number of possibilities, but she couldn’t make up her mind. Best get in the shower, she thought and then decide.
The day had been hot; the cool shower was relaxing. Thinking over her telephone conversation with Sidonie she wondered if she would always be so … what was the word she wanted … so ‘on edge’ with her. Why couldn’t she be like the friends she’d had in the past at the hospital, or the new ones she’d made throu
gh dancing? There always seemed to be tension between them and she couldn’t figure out where it came from. She reached for the shampoo. It was true, sometimes she could be a tad uneasy. She had to acknowledge that, but surely that wasn’t enough to make Sidonie go so prickly. Yes, that was it. She was ‘prickly’.
Now that she really thought about it, the change had come since they’d had that spell of separation. Prior to that, she remembered Sidonie had been happy and out-going. Even joking with her and teasing her sometimes. That had been the time when she had really enjoyed being in her company. She had made her feel so good about herself. Sometimes she’d caught a look in her eye that had shown a lot of admiration. Not admiration of her accomplishments, but of herself. Something she’d not felt with anyone else.
She reached for her towel. No, that wasn’t quite true. Jerred had had that ability in the beginning, making her feel like that. Yes, in a way, Sidonie’s company, her attention, made her feel very aware of herself; as a woman. She liked it. But sometimes it was hard to handle. That was when she’d begun to feel ill at ease. It was this awareness of herself as a woman, a woman whom someone found attractive, that made her tense.
It was funny. She wanted to be with Sidonie all the time, but she didn’t necessarily make her feel happy or even content, the goal so many people strove for through drugs or alcohol, or whatever. She made her feel period. There was an intensity to her living she couldn’t experience any other way. When she knew she’d pleased her, it felt so good inside.
Looking at Sidonie’s face gave her pleasure, too. Those intense, glowing eyes, pierced right through to her core; the lightly tanned skin that crinkled even now, at the corners of her eyes, when she threw her head back in an unselfconscious laugh. Her muscled arms and legs were the color of a ripe apricot, but with a rose’s bloom. She had noted the fine blonde hairs on her forearms and legs, details which made her even more desirable.
Outing of the Heart Page 36
