by Jean Haus
“I’m hoping that you will take this last chance seriously. You will be held in custody until the time that you can be released to a facility. No more than thirty days. You will pay for your flight and the stint in rehab. Consider this as society’s debt paid back to you. A return here will not beget any more compassion.” He raises the gavel, drops it, and stalks off.
I sit stunned for several long seconds. April chants my name from behind and I finally stand and turn around. I go wrap my arms around her and she buries her face in my neck. “I’m still getting locked up.”
“You’ll be getting help,” she says against my skin.
“The band…”
“They’ll wait,” she says firmly.
“You…”
“Will miss you every day while I wait.”
Chapter 34
~April~
Over Three Months Later
I come around the bend on the pretty country road blooming with spring and the airport comes into view. Nervousness and excitement flow through me at the sight. I haven’t seen Gabe in over three months. I was able to visit him once while he was in jail, but he left for a clinic in Texas ten days after the sentencing. Though the visit hadn’t been very private in a room full of people, we managed a few kisses and a short talk about the future.
The band was more than willing to wait for Gabe since they each had a semester left of college to graduate. Romeo had already been contemplating pushing for a later release date. Gabe’s sentencing sealed the deal. The recording company they signed with wasn’t happy, but really, what is two months? Plus, the delayed release helped decrease Gabe’s anxiety about going to the clinic for three months.
I find a parking spot, hurry across the lot, and race up the escalator to the area where passengers come back through security. Of course, I’m early. I sit and wait as anticipation builds.
After half an hour, people begin coming out. I stand and shuffle closer to the exit. I inspect each person quickly, until finally I see him. His hair is a tad shorter as if he just had it cut, his skin tan from the Texas sun, and his eyes light up as he spots me.
We fly toward each other. He drops his backpack to catch me. My face buries into his hard chest. His buries in my hair. And we just revel in the comfort of being in each other’s arms. Nothing else. Euphoria.
He breaks the spell drawing back to look at me. “I’ve missed you so much,” he says hoarsely, then kisses me and the spell re-weaves around us. My hands curl into his hair. His fingers dig into my waist. It takes a few minutes for us to realize that we’re in the middle airport surrounded by passing people.
Gabe grins at me.
“Guess we could go to luggage,” I say in a sullen tone, unhappy about the break of our kiss.
Shaking his head, he picks up his backpack. “This is it,” he says as he grabs my hand.
We move toward the escalator.
“What about your kit?” The clinic had agreed to allow Gabe to practice daily because of the possibility that he could be touring days or weeks after his completion of their program. It will actually be a little more than a month before he starts touring, and I plan to be at several of those shows.
“Shipped that ground. Cheaper and less hassle than flying with it. It should be here by tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I say slowly, thinking I’d never be able to ship my guitar. I’d worry too much.
We exit out of the airport and I almost trip several times since all I can see is Gabe. I’ve been imagining this for months, three in fact. And my eyes eat him up. His eyes do the same to me. At my car, he kisses me long and hard before we get in.
“So,” I say, turning the ignition. “How was the program? Worth it, I hope?”
He draws in a breath and crosses his arms. “It went well. Mostly, I learned a lot about myself, how to distance myself from my past but also accept it, and different ways how to control my temper. Tons of ways to control myself.”
“That sounds good.” I back out of the parking spot. “Tell me more,” I ask, wanting to know, especially since we haven’t talked in three months. Gabe wasn’t allowed outside communication at the clinic.
While I drive, he tells me about his group, his psychologist there, his skill lessons, and even the food. It sounds like a great clinic.
After I’ve asked him every question possible and then some, he says, “You were right.”
I glance at him and raise my brows.
“It’s never going to be over. My past is always something I’ll have to deal with. I’m going to keep seeing Joan. We’ll just have to skype like we did on the last tour.”
I nod. “I’ve been going to group…well, when I can. I’ve been spending a lot of time in California.”
“How is everyone?”
“Pretty good. Jason has been going out and doing more. He and I email a lot. Misha’s actually dating someone and talking it slow, and Chad, well, he hasn’t grown up yet.”
I pull into the parking lot behind the tattoo shop.
His brows lower. “We’re not going to your place?”
I laugh. “I don’t have a place anymore.”
His head tilts in question.
I park and turn to him. “Like I said, I’ve been spending a lot of time in California, and you’d already paid Allie six months of rent, and …I liked sleeping in your bed. Was that okay?”
He grins at me. “Hell, yes. Wish I would have known. I could have imagined you in my bed all this time. But what have you been doing spending so much time in California?”
“I’ll tell you later, because in about three minutes, you won’t have to imagine anything.”
His grin grows. We both jump out of the car and race up the stairs. At the top, I put the key in the lock and he turns the handle.
“Welcome home, Gabe,” I softly say, pushing the door open.
“April, I was home the minute you entered my arms at the airport.”
His words have me rushing inside, tearing off my clothes and his. Gabe is in on the disrobing too, well, mostly my clothes. But as he tears off my jeans, he pauses at the sight of the tattoo on my hip. His fingers brush the lines of the real life looking monarch that Allie created before he crouches to inspect it.
“Why a butterfly?” he asks, probably thinking if I’d do ink, it would be related to music.
“Rachel had a thing for them, even as a teenager.”
His gaze rises from the tattoo to mine.
“I’ve almost finished the list.” I draw in a deep breath. “Slept under the stars on my father’s balcony. Well, I didn’t sleep much. I laid there thinking of Rachel, something I’ve tried not to do for a long time. I cried a lot too. Mostly though, I remembered her and missed her and realized I don’t want to forget her, no matter how painful the end, no matter how much sadness and guilt her memory brings me. I’ll always love her.”
He stands and buries his hands in my hair. “That was brave.” He kisses me ear. “Very brave.”
A sad smile escapes me. “I’m trying.”
He kisses the skin behind my ear. “Of course, you are. It’s what I love best about you, always wanting to be a better person.” His hands slide down my back, sending shivers along my skin. “But there are other things I love about you.”
“Oh, yeah?” I lean toward him, my melancholy dissipating at the hot look in his eyes. “Why don’t you show me?”
His hands curve around my butt. “Oh, I plan to. All night.”
I lean closer, until our lips almost touch. “You’ve got about four hours.”
He rears back. “What?”
I slide my hands over his shoulders. “Dinner at Riley’s.”
“Fuck that.”
“Everyone wants to see you.”
“Don’t care.”
“They care about you. A lot.”
“Fine. Four and a half hours. We’re going to be late. I’ve got three months to make up for here.”
I laugh. “Late is good with me.”
&
nbsp; Epilogue
~April~
Two Months Later
I’m going to puke. Vomit. Blow chunks.
I once thought I’d never be nervous going on stage as long as it was with an instrument.
I was wrong.
Within hours, I’m supposed to play with Luminescent Juliet. Two songs. “Ink My Heart” with some added guitar acrobatics, then one of the songs from my upcoming album. Justin is going to sing it with me. This seemed like a great idea to introduce me to their fans, but now the prospect of getting on stage is terrifying me. Since the concert is at Pine Knob, an outdoor venue outside of Detroit, Allie and Riley commandeered the tour bus while the guys were doing pre-interviews before the show.
Riley scrunches my curled hair, messy it up. “Ugh. I wish Chloe could have come. I suck at this.”
Setting down an eyeliner pencil, Allie tilts her head, looking at me in the tall mirror set on the table booth. “I think she looks good. You don’t like it, April?”
I don’t really care what I look like at this point, keeping my lunch inside my stomach is my main goal, but I force myself to inspect their work. “Um, my hair is a little big.” More like a lot, as in huge. “And the makeup is a bit dark.” I don’t even wear this much eyeliner in an entire year.
Riley scrunches my hair more. “In front of thousands of people you have to be a little bigger than life.”
She just had to say thousands, didn’t she? “Okay, yeah, then I guess it looks good.” I wanted to keep my look toned down in order to showcase the music, but nerves are throwing that plan out the window. And ironically, with my jeans, combat boots, black tank, wild hair, and dark makeup, I’m a bit of a throwback to the nineties grunge look, and that grunge music has always been my inspiration for song writing.
The front door of the bus creaks open and Peyton walks in. “They’re on in about twenty minutes.” She glances at me and frowns. “You’re looking a little pale, April.”
“Yeah, I feel pale.” I take a deep breath. “I think I…need a few minutes,” I say before rushing toward the little bathroom beyond the bunks.
“You okay?” Riley yells.
“Yeah, just need a minute,” I repeat.
Inside the tiny bathroom, I lean over and try to get my nerves under control, but fear continues to eat at my gut. I can do this. I don’t want to do this. I have to do this.
For all the Rachels of the world.
My album releases in two weeks. Seventy percent of the proceeds—I wanted to go ninety but my dad talked me into seventy so I could have some capital for future marketing—are going to three different suicide prevention organizations. This album isn’t about me, even the songs, a mix of sad and hopeful and resilient, are about all those lonely people caught in the dark. Going on stage with Luminescent Juliet could be a huge springboard for the album and more awareness for the cause.
I stand up and draw in air.
I’m doing this even if I end up puking all the way up the stairs to the stage.
Though I force myself out of the bathroom, I pause in the long aisle of the bus.
Peyton, Allie, and Riley’s conversation floats to me from the front. They’re discussing the next three days when we’ll all be staying in a swanky hotel in downtown Detroit. They sound carefree and excited, and though I’m going to the hotel with Gabe too, anxiety rocks my gut.
I begin to speculate if my acute anxiety is just about going on stage. Or if it’s about the huge step I’m about to take compared to the three women up front who all have their futures perfectly figured out.
I watch as Peyton lifts her camera to take a picture of Allie laughing.
Just last month, Peyton took a job for an up and coming magazine in Detroit that promotes the city. She’ll be reporting on the music scene, but other topics too, like new businesses. Though she always imagined working for a musical journal, she is beyond excited to be part of the movement to rebuild Detroit. And Sam is ecstatic about her job too. They’re looking for a townhouse to rent together. Other than touring, he wants to stay in Michigan. From what I gather, he’s pretty close to his twin brother, and because of his brother’s issues, he makes time every month to go home and visit him in the thumb of Michigan.
Allie puts her hand out as if to stop Peyton from taking the picture and the overhead light catches the shine of the diamond on her ring finger.
Yup. Allie has her life figured out too. This coming November her and Justin are tying the knot. He proposed when the four of us went to St. Louis to catch Luminescent’s fourth concert of the tour. Though they’re having a destination wedding in Miami, they just bought a house not even five miles from the university. More than having her tattoo shop and working on opening an art studio, Allie doesn’t want to move away because of her son. And Justin seems more than fine with that.
Riley steps in and wraps her arm around Allie’s shoulders, smiling and gesturing for Peyton to take a picture.
This August, Riley is heading to L.A. Romeo will be flying out to meet her during a four day break. They’ll be looking for an apartment near Chapman University, which specializes in performance degrees—including music. Riley always imagined going to school out of state and since Romeo wants to continue working on the business end of things for the band in L.A., this is her perfect opportunity.
The camera flashes.
But I’m not sure what’s happening with me. Other than the album release, I have a few small gigs lined up through my dad, and that might be it. Or if things go well, I could be touring as an opening act. But everything is up in the air. And though Gabe and I spent as much time as possible together before the tour, we’ve never discussed the future in depth together. We’ve been too busy, him with practice and then touring, me with writing and then recording. Now I’m about to take a big step into the unknown, while just months ago, when I planned to be a counselor, I had everything perfectly mapped out.
“April,” Riley yells down the hall before noticing me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” I say, tugging my guitar case off a bunk and forcing a smile. “Let’s get going.”
We head out of the bus and toward the back of the stage, passing other busses and rows of equipment semis. After Peyton shows her pass, we go through a line of security to find the guys standing on the side of the stage. A few feet from a crowd of backstage pass holders, Gabe leads the rest of the band in a vocal warm up, probably since he doesn’t do much backup vocals. Gabe finally drops his hands and the rest of the guys breathe freely again.
We wait behind the backstage fans, but Sam notices us, giving us a quick wave. He then adjusts the strap of his bass and turns toward the stage. They must be going on any second.
However, noticing us too, Gabe comes around the crowd. His eyes roam over me. “You look like a ghost,” he says, his mouth tight.
I swallow down a trillion nerves. “I’ll be okay.”
His arms come around me. “You know you don’t have to do this,” he says against my massive hair. “You can just skip it and start with a smaller venue.”
One hand on his back and the other holding my case, I draw in a deep gulp of air, while also drawing in the strength his arms provide. Almost immediately, the sensation of calm and safe flow through me, and nearly all of my anxiety fades away. Home, just like Gabe felt, I feel it in his arms too. I slowly realize no matter what happens, no matter where this path I’m on goes, I’ll always have this.
I step back, shaking my head. “I’m fine. I’m going to do this. Plus, it’s the last item on the list.”
He stares at me, worry lining his mouth.
Their loud intro music sounds.
“Gabe!” Romeo yells from the stage stairs.
“Really,” I say, smiling and giving him a light push toward the stage. “Go. I’ll see you in seven songs.”
He leans down and gives me a quick kiss. “For luck.”
And then he’s gone and the crowd is cheering.
Camera around
her neck, Peyton goes around the front of the stage to take pictures. After handing off my case to a stagehand, Riley, Allie, and I join the backstage crowd on the side.
During thunderous applause, Luminescent Juliet start the new song I heard at the Whiskey a Go Go, and then their set is in full swing. I dance. I clap. I watch the band—mostly the drummer. I let the music flow over me song after song like I haven’t allowed in years.
Too soon, Justin is announcing that they have a special treat for the night. Riley pushes me toward the stage. My nerves bubble up, but when the stagehand delivers my guitar, I pull the strap around me and grasp the neck tight. And then I’m taking my first step up toward the stage. At the top of the stairs, I meet Gabe’s gaze over a cymbal. His smile is wide and reassuring. My smile back is just as wide.
Then I step out onto the stage and into the spotlight.
Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Please consider writing a review.
Visit Jean online at http://www.jeanhaus.com
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Other Novels by Jean Haus
New Adult Contemporary from Skyscape
In the Band
Ink My Heart
With the Band
Adult Romance
The Reality of You
Young Adult Paranormal/Fantasy
Under a Blood Moon
After Midnight
Snow, Blood, and Envy
