After he left, I found myself visiting the church more often. I thought that if I prayed, my loneliness and fear would subside. But the hole that Shigeki’s loss had left behind couldn’t be easily buried. Even when I was painting the church, its large wooden door would morph without my noticing and I would find it wide open like the yawning mouth of a tunnel. Tormented by loneliness and despair, I gradually became thinner.
Still, one thing gave me faith. When night fell, I would hear that person whispering into my ear,
Mayu, Mayu, Mayu.
The whispering sounded painful and somehow melancholy, as if someone were trying to reach out and grasp something, all the while coinciding and echoing with Anna’s voiceless cry. If my instincts were right, he would come for me, without fail.
ALAN: ONE
Five months later the court reached a verdict. To me, the wait had seemed far too long. Simone lost custody of Anna, was declared emotionally unstable, and was sent away to the hospital. Pierre was sent to rehab, where he was to remain until he turned twenty. By the time Simone was released, Anna would be almost eighteen, an adult.
Anna, that fierce young Joan of Arc who had won her security and stability fighting in the world of adults, was made a ward of a child-welfare institution. Before long she would be reunited with Pierre. I, on the other hand, ended up being saved by Anna’s dauntless bravery. Not a soul came to know about what I had done. I had been spared.
I went to the church, where I genuflected and questioned my recent behavior.
Firstly, about having dismissed the idea of reproaching Pierre for stabbing his mother.
Secondly, about having hit Anna.
Thirdly, about making Simone pay for her sins.
Will God ever forgive my insolence? I gave myself the third degree, endlessly turning over the questions in my mind. But it was useless. I couldn’t find any answers, and confessing to Jean was out of the question. I took it upon myself to deny the urge to relieve myself of this burden when Simone, Pierre, and Anna continued to suffer, each in a hell of their own. In doing so, I was trying to atone for my own sins.
“Ah, there she is, Mayu the pious,” Jean said, sneaking up on me. An hour had passed already. I had no idea I had been praying for that long. I remembered one of Jean’s favorite quips: “The church favors the sinner who repents.”
“Say, Mayu,” Jean said, looking suspicious, “Pierre told me that he’s indebted to you for life. What’s he talking about?”
“I’m not sure. I think he’s exaggerating. I mean, all I did was take care of Anna for one night.” I couldn’t help thinking that Pierre knew that I was behind the recent turn of events.
(God may have forgiven me after all!)
At the very least, for the first time in my life, I was experiencing the sense of gratification that comes from having truly helped someone. But still, the price for this elation was a loss too big for me to bear.
(Bring back Shigeki!)
As I knelt there in the church, I began to take God to task. I knew now that I wasn’t alone, that there were others like Anna in the world. An echo took up residence in the corner of my mind:
Help. Help. Somebody help.
With the trial over, my life gradually returned to normal, except for the fact that Shigeki wasn’t there. I had been freed from my worries, but I remained lost in a darkness of desolation and despair. My entire life had turned monochromic, and the paints I used became devoid of color.
Then one day Alan visited the café.
“Hey there, Mayu. Long time no see,” he called out.
“Oh my god! Nice of you to come by. So glad to see you.”
“You’ve slimmed down an awful lot, haven’t you?”
“You think? Actually I’m doing fine. It’s just that I’ve been busy.”
“You mean with Anna, right? Must have been no laughing matter to have gone through all that.” Alan’s gentle and comforting words touched me deeply.
“So how about that road trip?” Alan asked. “The one lined with the marronnier trees, remember? We’ll drive up there tomorrow. You wouldn’t mind, would you?”
Alan was being a bit pushy, but he was a wine dealer and I thought perhaps I might hear news about Shigeki. I accepted the invitation.
That night I fretted over what to wear the next day. I hadn’t dealt with such an issue in a long time and I was happy to lose some sleep over it. While I never forgot about Shigeki, the fact that I had been asked out to enjoy a drive certainly lifted my spirits. In the end, I decided on a pair of blue jeans and a turquoise T-shirt. I didn’t have that many choices after all. All that time, I had been putting on airs about being poor, only to be reminded that I was, in fact, poor. But I remained proud, as proud as Shigeki was of himself. I was proud of the fact that I was following in Jean’s footsteps, emulating his life of devotion to God. But then again I still yearned to wear that big diamond ring on my finger. Why did I fear admitting it, even to myself? In truth, I wanted to plunge headlong into Shigeki’s world and never look back.
The day turned out to be ideal for a drive. Under the clear sky we rode in Alan’s stylish red convertible. When we reached the countryside, Alan revved the engine, and soon we were whizzing along a road lined with the marronnier trees.
“It’s beautiful,” I remarked.
“If we keep going,” he said, “this road will take us all the way to Rome.”
(Then keep going, just keep going! Especially if it reaches all the way over to the other side of the world, where I could be by Shigeki’s side.)
I was screaming with joy inside as we sped along. But in the end, just when I thought I was being liberated from the grips of my despair and unease, the car came to a halt.
We had arrived at a winery’s harvest festival. Joyful music filled the air and a great number of wine buyers were there, mingling with other farmers and locals. Alan took me by the hand and led me farther into the grounds where the atmosphere got merrier. People were dancing or sinking their teeth into barbecue and corn on the cob; there were glasses of wine everywhere.
Alan started chatting with an acquaintance. I got some wine and a slice of pizza and felt myself getting in the mood. And then I froze.
I’d caught sight of a silhouetted shadow, a shape I knew all too well. I just kept staring until it suddenly turned my way. It was Shigeki, standing there, deadpan, with one hand gripping a wineglass and the other stuffed in his pocket.
He approached slowly. I distanced myself from Alan and the crowd. There was a barn adjacent to the vineyard. I leaned against a brick wall in a warm patch of sunlight.
My heart was pounding. He was drawing nearer now, his face still expressionless. It was chilling to watch. I wondered if our love had already died. I didn’t mind if he hated me. I just wanted him to have some emotion left. If I saw any anger in him, I planned to jump into his arms.
When Shigeki finally arrived, he just stood there, casting his shadow over me with his back bathed in sunlight. I couldn’t tell what was going on inside him even though he was staring straight at me.
“Mayu, you’ve become awfully thin,” he said. “I didn’t recognize you.”
“You haven’t changed,” I said.
Shigeki inched even closer. He pulled his left hand out of his pocket and pinned me against the wall, blocking my way.
“Was it Alan?” he said in a barely audible whisper.
In the darkness of his eyes, quivering with curbed rage I saw flickering flames of jealousy. Tears welled up in my eyes. They were tears of happiness, overflowing like the surging waters of a collapsed dam.
(Oh, God, thank you! I haven’t lost him!)
“No, not at all!” I answered. “It’s Anna—the incident, you know. But I don’t want to talk about it. It’s all over now.” I dropped the wineglass and pizza and wound my arms around Shigeki’s neck. Shigeki stared at me suspiciously, but when he brought his face closer, he sealed my lips with such passion it was like he was venting his anger. Th
en, beginning to understand my feelings, he stared at my face again and whispered, “Mayu. Mayu, my time without you was hell.”
“I lost weight with each tear I shed,” I said. “God, how I was dying to see you!”
“Is this true?” he said, fixing a devouring gaze before hugging me so tightly I couldn’t breathe.
My instincts had been right all along. Shigeki needed me. And there was nowhere else I’d rather be than by his side.
Mayu. Mayu. Mayu.
He whispered into my ear, once again stirring my blood to a boil. It had been heavy and dead until then, but now it was rushing and coursing through my entire body, surging through my veins like a roaring tide, forming whirlpools of such intense joy, such intense passion in my heart. As if to pluck off the strands of my hair, he coiled his fingers through them and then covered my head with his hands before looking into my eyes again. And then I saw in his eyes—the very same eyes that had once shown irritation, hurt, and, in the end, intense rage and hatred because I had said no one too many times—in those eyes I now saw signs of anguish and fear, signs that appeared like so many fault lines, so many cracks marring the veneer of his tightly focused jet-black screens.
And then he said in a gravelly voice, “Mayu, I want you by my side, always.”
What can I say? I was thrilled to pieces, and I really don’t know how to put into words the joy I felt then. It was such a rush. Fearing Shigeki would simply vanish if I closed my eyes for an instant, I couldn’t even blink. All I could do was nod as the tears came streaming down.
“There’s no way I’m going to leave your side. There’s nowhere else for me, Shigeki.”
The French sky, so crystal-clear blue, appeared warped through my tears. That’s when I saw Alan approach, smirking.
“Alan.” I was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say.
“Mayu, would you tell Tachibana to seal the supply deal with my company?” he said quite unexpectedly. “Look, I wanted him to see you, okay? It’s kind of my way of repaying him for his knuckle sandwich!”
“Oh my god! Alan!” I said, springing at him, filled with gratitude. “Thank you. You’re amazing.”
Shigeki looked confused, so I explained. “Don’t you get it? Alan brought me here because he knew that you’d be here.”
“Touché, Alan,” Shigeki said, gripping Alan’s hand. “You win this one.” And just like that, Alan had concluded a major deal with Tachibana Shoji.
Three days later we were in a church, pledging everlasting love, as if to regain lost time. We exchanged our vows in front of Jean before God could change His mind. I couldn’t have been happier, being blessed by the devotees of the tiny village church under a clear blue sky beneath the gently spreading foliage of an elm tree. Needless to say, I thanked God from the depths of my heart.
And then, I left France. Watching from the airplane window a sea of clouds that stretched on forever, I sat by Shigeki’s side washed in a feeling of happiness so intense it was scary. Good-bye, Jean. Be happy, Anna! My sad, lonesome days of quiet despair were over. The echoes will finally stop now, I thought.
PART TWO: IN JAPAN
REIKA: ONE
We were slowly walking around, greeting people at the gala. There were nearly one hundred people there, and most of them were there because of Shigeki, either family or people he knew from work. For me the room was filled with about one hundred strangers, making me uncomfortable. I smiled faintly while acknowledging their congratulatory babble. Somehow I was able to remain calm, thanks to Shigeki, who wrapped his arm around my waist and never let go.
All the faces blended together until I set my eyes on a woman who was leaning against a wall nearby in the back of the hall. A shadow fell over my heart. She was wearing earrings exactly like the ones Shigeki had given me.
I tried to tell myself it was a mistake. But there was no mistake. The diamonds were arranged in the shape of an artist’s palette. Shigeki had custom ordered the earrings for me, the painter. But then I noticed one difference. My pair had rubies—my birthstone—mounted at the center. This woman’s earrings had emeralds.
(So a mere coincidence after all.)
But her eyes, glaring at me over the rim of her wineglass, told me this was more than a coincidence. Her name tag read Reika Terashima.
REIKA: TWO
I felt distant and detached for the rest of the party. Reika Terashima’s presence had soured my mood, choking up my heart. I needed an explanation from Shigeki but was afraid to ask him. The banquet dragged on for an awfully long time, or so it seemed to me. When everything was over, though, we finally found ourselves alone in our hotel room.
“You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” Shigeki noticed tenderly. “Why don’t you take a shower?”
I reminded myself that this was my husband and as his wife I needed to keep calm and maintain my composure. And then—to quickly extract the small bone stuck in my throat—I asked as casually as possible, “Is Ms. Reika Terashima someone you know from work?”
For such a simple question, it took a lot out of me, requiring me to summon all my strength.
“She’s the daughter of the president of Terashima Industries, an important client of ours,” he answered nonchalantly. “Did you know that she designed your earrings? They’re her creation. She insisted on making them. It’s just a hobby of hers, but she’s actually quite good, just like a pro.”
“I noticed that her earrings were almost identical to mine—that’s why I asked about her.”
“She probably wanted to make it known to you, to say, ‘Hey, that’s my work of art you’re wearing.’ Designers! They like to show off.”
(Really?)
I’d dislodged the bone from my throat but still couldn’t breathe. I pretended to be satisfied with Shigeki’s explanation—which he had delivered in such a carefree tone—and put the lid on the topic of Reika Terashima.
There were some nights when Shigeki didn’t sleep at home, saying he needed to take a business trip. I passed the time pondering all the ways I could improve the interior of the new condo. I kept busy, and I was happy.
But after three months of newlywed bliss, I received a phone call from Shigeki’s company that put an abrupt end to my honeymoon.
“I can’t reach the boss on his cell phone. Is he home?”
Pangs of anxiety gripped through me—he was supposed to be at work.
“Look,” I said, gulping down my doubts, “I’ll check around and get back to you immediately, okay?”
It was strange that his company didn’t know his whereabouts. Besides, they wouldn’t be calling his home if it were simply a matter of faulty reception.
(Did he intentionally have his phone turned off?)
At that moment Reika Terashima’s haunting glare vividly came back to life. Those eyes I had tried so hard to forget because I wanted to believe Shigeki—they were shimmering with malice. Reflecting on his breezy explanation filled me with even more dread. If he had noticed the earrings at the same time I did, it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to think that his apparently spontaneous explanation was anything but that. Had it been a calculated lie?
I felt short of breath, like a fish out of water. I wanted somebody to relieve me of this worry as soon as possible. I needed a lifeline, so I reached out and at the end of my reach was Kanako, my mother-in-law.
I called her.
“Yes, this is Tachibana,” she said faintly and without inflection. She sounded unapproachable and cold, like someone indifferent to the world’s changes. The waves of emotion rippling inside me came to a standstill.
“Mother, this is Mayu.”
“Oh, how are you?”
“I don’t know where Shigeki is right now. The company called trying to find him. Do you have any idea where he might be?”
She hesitated to respond. She knew.
“Well, sometimes my son likes to be at sea. I think he’s on board the boat now. I’ll go ahead and contact him. Don’t you worry, dear.”
> I would have done that myself had she given me the number. But there was finality in the way Kanako spoke, forbidding further comment on the matter. I felt left out in the cold when it came to Shigeki’s family. But he’d once told me that the boat had been very important to the father and that is why his mother didn’t like inviting people on it.
My father-in-law, Taichi, had built Tachibana Shoji from the ground up. He started out working for Kanako’s family, who were descended from a long line of distillers. Taichi was an earnest and hard worker and had won the confidence of Kanako’s father before going on to become his son-in-law.
Apparently Taichi had a knack for making sense of the times, and therefore was able to stay one step ahead of cultural shifts and expand the family business to include importing wine. His venture paid off, and he was able to build the business into an enterprise with an annual turnover of six billion yen. It was this same Taichi who had allegedly fallen overboard during a casual outing and was reported missing. Shigeki rarely talked about the boat.
Since I’d met Shigeki, women had been shadowing him like ghosts. No big surprise there, really. He was a young entrepreneur who drove a classy car, wore designer suits, and had a good command of English. Noriko the flight attendant, Reika the daughter of the undersecretary of foreign affairs, and his amour who bore his child; wherever he went, you were sure to find a woman there.
I wondered if Reika Terashima was on the boat with him.
When we left France, I was punch-drunk, watching the blue sky that went on endlessly above a sea of fluffy clouds. Of course I’d wondered about the other women in Shigeki’s life, about what had become of them, but I hadn’t felt jealous.
I Hear Them Cry Page 5
