It was all just a pretext, her argument. She was just like Kanako. She was just making pretty little excuses for herself. I knew she had a guilty conscience gnawing at her.
“Sophie loved Shigeki, and Shigeki loved her. Were you aware of that fact?” I took a sip of my ginger ale, hoping to temper my fury. But my anger didn’t upset her in the least.
“Sophie?” she said, letting a cold smile break across her lips as she suppressed a laugh. “Are you kidding? The two of them in love with each other? She knew what she was doing when she went to the yacht, what it meant for her to be there.”
Had I been wrong in believing that Kanako and Reika had set a devious trap for Sophie?
“Sophie didn’t have any spare time in her life to chitchat with a man about love. She knew from her escort friends that there was a decent amount of bonus money to be made by working a party on the boat. Escorts will do anything to repay their vast personal debts. Money always comes first, well ahead of any fair-weather romance with a man,” Reika said with authority.
“For these girls men are merely patrons, nothing more than sources of income. As I remember it, Shigeki kicked Sophie out. He may have been deeply hurt and was probably even suspicious that something happened between her and Taichi, but the bottom line is that he told Sophie to go back to where she came from. He didn’t care what she returned to, or what conditions she would find there.”
The air in the bar chilled me to the bone, and my teeth rattled along with the sound of the air conditioner. I couldn’t see any signs of remorse in Reika about Sophie’s death. My words meant nothing to her, but I still wanted to hurt her. I couldn’t stand the casual way she went on about Sophie’s death.
I said, “Have you ever considered why, of all the women he knew, Shigeki chose her to bear his child?”
It was now Reika’s turn to keep quiet.
“He told me he wanted Sophie to be the mother.”
Finally, Reika registered a jolt of surprise. Something I said had made an impact. But it wasn’t enough for me. I stood up and leaned into her ear, my eyes wide open to see every detail of her miserable face as I whispered, “Can you hear him cry?”
SOPHIE: THREE
Reika glared at me, but I didn’t wait for her retort. I was no longer jealous of her.
If Shigeki really needed Reika, he would have been crying into her ear. If she really loved Shigeki, she would have heard the cry and known that he was in pain.
I knew this the moment I saw her baffled look. My strained nerves relaxed, convinced that she didn’t hear, couldn’t hear. I felt victorious in my heart. My blood began to flow freely through my veins. The freezing-cold air in the bar was history, having been blasted away instantly by the warmth of my joy.
But I wasn’t done yet.
“He always hugs me so tightly that he almost squeezes the air out of me,” I whispered, reveling in how much I knew this hurt her. “He cries into my ear, ‘Help. Help. Somebody help. Help me kill the hatred and restlessness in me. Help me from going insane—this pain is driving me mad. I’m afraid I’ll kill someone one day, just like I used to kill all those puppies, one after another.’ ”
The Shigeki I knew was a complete stranger to Reika, a Shigeki beyond her imagination. Now she looked scared. Her face showed how afraid she was of becoming irrelevant in Shigeki’s eyes.
“Can’t you hear Shigeki crying for help? For someone to save him from losing his mind?”
Her look said it all. I could see that she was in a state of shock, incapable of digesting what she was hearing while recognizing that I had touched upon the truth. It was a truth wedged deep inside Shigeki’s soul, and I had shined a light on it by revealing the words he had pulled out from the dark depths of his misery—for my ears only.
“He was reared by Taichi, a tyrant who abused him and scarred him for life,” I continued. “His mother was helpless and could not save him. Yet he found Sophie and found peace of mind in her company, a serenity he couldn’t attain on his own. He was in love with her, and that’s why he had a child with her. Can’t you see that, Reika? She knew how grateful he was toward her—wouldn’t you say, Reika? Shigeki then chose me to be his wife. Not you, me.”
I moved away from Reika. Her highlighted eyes seemed like two black holes, unable to see anything. I thought she had stopped breathing. But she slowly got off her stool, calmly looked at me, and placed her hand on a button on her thin chiffon blouse. Then, one by one, from the bottom, she began to unbutton the entire blouse. I took a few more steps away from Reika, as her purple lace bra became visible.
Faint blue bruises marked her entire torso, bruises just like the ones I had become familiar with in the back room of Jean’s church, just like the ones I had inflicted on Anna.
“So do you mind telling me what you think I was to him?” Reika muttered, proudly exposing the bruises Shigeki had no doubt inflicted on her.
She probably wanted to hear me say, “Yes, Reika, he needs you, you’re indispensable to him.” But I didn’t answer.
“I taught him the business, showed him the ropes.”
She sounded just like Kanako then.
A phantom flashed in my mind. The dog Shigeki kicked up in the air, the puppy whimpering as it died.
It was Kanako.
Shigeki could never forgive his mother for failing to protect him from Taichi’s abuses. He also hated her for the spartan way she’d tried to educate him, for trying to control him, for hitting him with a slipper countless times. He was denied the one thing he needed the most: a mother’s unconditional love.
Reika stood before me, a sad and wounded ghost. I couldn’t stand looking at her now. She certainly had a place in Shigeki’s soul, but it was a dark, depraved, and devastated place. The truth depressed me, so I left. As I shut the door behind me, I heard the sound of breaking glass.
Help. Help. Somebody help.
The echo was ceaseless, bringing me to the verge of a nervous breakdown. The shards of glass were the broken pieces of Reika’s heart. My heart was as heavy as lead and as gloomy as the descending humid, exhaust-filled twilight.
SOPHIE: FOUR
There was not a single photograph of Sophie in the mansion in Kamakura or in our apartment. I had never seen Sophie’s face. She was with child and had lost her patron; whether she continued to live in Japan or whether she returned to her country, it must have been hell either way. She couldn’t have possibly entertained the notion of raising Raiki in a garbage dump. Did she end her life as a way to force Shigeki into accepting their child?
Taichi’s boat was all about outward appearances. Having ingested a large quantity of sleeping pills and whiskey, Sophie appeared as though she had fallen asleep. Sad as it was, Raiki was entrusted to the Tachibana family, so Sophie’s death was not in vain.
I now had an incredible urge to get to the boat. I wanted to know why Shigeki still went there so often. What did he do there? I decided to take a trip, taking Raiki along with me.
Jean was always frank and open about the truth. He always talked straight, no matter how brutal and cruel the facts were. He also treated children the same as adults, reasoning, “The truth builds trust.” So I decided to tell Raiki everything about his mother. I thought doing so would be the best way to earn his trust.
I already knew where the boat was docked, having found the harbor’s address at the Kamakura house. I couldn’t tell Kanako about my plan, but I did tell Ms. Sato, making her promise to keep quiet about it. But she wanted to know why I was going there, so I told her it was just for fun.
“I just have this incredible urge to see it.”
“But why are you taking Raiki?”
I wasn’t about to admit that I was going there to explain to Raiki how sad and tormented his mother had been before she left this world. So I said, “I think it’ll be a good experience for Raiki. I want him to learn more about his grandfather.”
The following Saturday, I picked up Raiki and we took a cab to a waterfront ju
st beyond Shonan, where the boat was moored. When we arrived, the taxi driver said that he’d heard about an approaching typhoon and asked if we planned on going out on the water.
“No, we’ve come to look at a boat, right Raiki?” I said cheerfully.
“I see,” the cabbie said, handing me his card. “How nice. Call me for a ride back if you like.”
During the ride the weather had been fine, but the moment we stepped out of the cab, it turned dark and windy. I put the card in my wallet, and we headed to the harbormaster’s office.
The man in charge seemed to be in his thirties. He was tan and confident, with a fearless-man-of-the-sea attitude. When I introduced myself, he stood up and bowed deeply. He entered my name into the register of authorized parties but then took a look at me and went, “Um?” This was his way of asking me to explain my relationship to the family.
“I’m Shigeki Tachibana’s wife.”
“Oh yes, I see. Mr. Tachibana comes by sometimes to inspect the boat, but he never takes it out.”
Hearing this, I felt relieved. Shigeki had been coming here alone. The harbormaster led us to the boat. Having seen a photograph of it, I recognized the large brown-and-white vessel from a distance. But up close it was easy to see that paint had peeled off here and there, giving the sad impression that the owner had been neglecting it. In Roman letters, “Kana” was inscribed on the hull.
It was obviously short for Kanako, and it made me see Taichi in a new light. Instead of seeing him as arrogant, domineering, and heartless, I saw him as Kanako’s sweetheart, as someone who had been near and dear to her. Taichi had also loved Kanako, at least in the early years when he had just acquired the boat and was using it for fishing trips. But when I thought about what had transpired on board since then, I couldn’t forget the depravity of Taichi’s soul. A lukewarm wind gusted down from the heavy sky and swirled around Raiki and me before blowing past us.
“Is this grandfather’s ship?” Raiki asked. “So cool!”
“Please drop by the office again before you leave,” the harbormaster said. “I’ll be getting back now.”
Raiki and I boarded the Kana. The cabin was impressively large, with a splendid brown leather settee wrapped around a table, a television set, and a full wet bar. There was also a beautiful oil painting of the Kana hanging on the wall.
Raiki ran off through a door and shouted, “There’s an amazing bed, and a refrigerator, too!”
Raiki explored the ship as I rummaged through shelves that were messily stacked with books and magazines, hoping to find a picture of Sophie. But it was no use.
I went downstairs and entered a small stateroom in which there were bunk beds to accommodate six people. Raiki was all hyper and romping around the place, leaping from bed to bed and jumping off the ladders. I found a cup in the kitchen, poured some water, and placed the bouquet of flowers I had brought into the cup.
It was a bit bold for the occasion, but instead of chrysanthemums, I had the florist prepare an arrangement of lovely pink miniature roses. It was a bridal bouquet for Sophie, something she never had a chance to hold in her hands.
I momentarily returned to the living room upstairs with the cup of flowers, a few bottles of beer, and a can of soda I found in the refrigerator.
“Come on over, Raiki! I’ve got some sandwiches and rice balls. Let’s eat.”
“Let’s!”
“First, let’s give this beer to your grandfather, okay?”
I led Raiki by the hand, and we went out on the deck. The wind had picked up, and the waves were lapping against Kana’s hull. I faced the ocean and poured the beer as we watched the golden liquid disappear, fusing into the crest of a swaying whitecap. Raiki was captivated by the water’s frothy wanderings.
“Where will Grandfather’s beer go?”
“The waves are going to take the beer to wherever your grandfather is right now.”
When I folded my hands in prayer, Raiki also put his small hands together, imitating me.
“Did Grandfather die?”
“He fell into the ocean, so he won’t be coming back.”
We returned to the living room, opened our bento boxes, and toasted with soda and beer.
“Did you bring these flowers?”
“Yes, they’re for your real mommy, the one who gave birth to you.”
“My real mommy died soon after she gave birth to me, right?”
Raiki was being so open, so frank—as if he was talking about someone else’s life. I began to feel a bit more at ease, hopeful that I could pull off my mission of telling him the truth. So I began to speak to him about Sophie, where she came from and how she met Shigeki. I remained as positive as possible, omitting everything about Taichi and Kanako opposing their union.
“Why did she die?” Raiki’s straightforward question brought to mind my memories of Jean. Perhaps I was reminded of the fact that Jean was someone who had never lost his childlike candidness—and at that moment, I missed him so very much.
“If your mother hadn’t married, she would have been forced to return to her country. But she thought you’d be much happier if you were brought up under the loving care of your father here in Japan. She came here one day feeling very lonely. Without anyone else knowing, she just went to sleep—and when morning came, she was no more.”
My mind wandered and I became lost in thought, finding myself in Sophie’s shoes. Simone’s loneliness came to mind. It was Sophie’s loneliness too. A loneliness I had also felt when Shigeki slapped me. Crazed tears began to blur my vision. I blew my nose with a tissue and wiped away the tears so that Raiki wouldn’t notice.
He was worlds away, though, enjoying his lunch, rice grains stuck all around his mouth. I wondered if for Raiki talk of Sophie was irrelevant because he had no memory of her and up until now no one had talked much about her.
He was eating ravenously. It was quite heartwarming to watch, and it made his next comment all the more stunning.
“I guess my real mother was lonely. Didn’t she have anyone to make paper cranes for her?”
The child already knew the dark feeling of loneliness, the state of alienation that could drive a person insane enough to commit suicide. He was only five years old. My tears flowed again, but this time quite helplessly. I didn’t want Raiki to see me cry, so I had no choice but to pull him into my chest, tight enough so that he could hear my heartbeat.
(Sophie, you didn’t really want to die, did you? Cornered into making a choice between love and money, did you choose money over fair-weather romance with a man, as Reika had put it? If poverty drove you to make your choice, I can’t blame you.)
I had no choice, Simone’s voice rang in the basement of my memory. A bitch like you would never understand!
Jean always said, “God forgives all sins,” but I could never forgive Simone. Her pain paled in comparison to Sophie’s. In contrast to Simone’s travesty of an existence, Sophie’s death was all the more tragic.
Several videotapes were stacked next to the entertainment system in the main room. They were all fishing-related except for one, which was a Tom and Jerry tape. Without thinking too deeply about why the video was there, I set it up for Raiki to watch.
While Raiki was absorbed in the cartoon, I continued my search for any item related to Sophie—for Raiki’s sake.
On the bookshelves, all I found were books about history and wine, and fashion magazines. There were no photo albums, so I went to the wheelhouse. A nautical chart inscribed with symbols I didn’t understand covered an entire wall, and a cabinet held neatly arranged fishing tackle. Nothing really caught my eye.
I went downstairs to the main bedroom where I found clean linens and towels. Someone had been keeping things tidy around here. Kanako had mentioned that Shigeki sometimes visited the boat, but not to keep up with the housekeeping. What did he come here for?
Just then I heard a man’s voice coming from the living room.
Raiki excitedly called for me. I sprinted ups
tairs, frantic.
TAICHI: ONE
There on the TV screen was Taichi, wearing a dark blue polo shirt, sitting in a chair as if he were in the room.
“Hello there, Raiki, my grandson. Hope you enjoyed the cartoon. You must be what, four or five years old by now? At any rate, it’s time for bed now, young man. Go ahead, have a good rest, but before you do, think you can check if your father is around? If he’s there, please tell him to come over here, okay?”
Raiki was watching his grandfather with great interest. It was his first encounter with the man, after all.
“Raiki,” I said, “it’s nap time. I’ll be right over after Grandpa’s story, all right?”
“Okay, all right. But I want to see the captain’s cabin first. I’ll have my nap after that, I promise.”
“You’re absolutely forbidden to walk out on the deck by yourself. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes!”
After Raiki left, I pressed play and Taichi began speaking again. “When you watch this video, Raiki will probably be around four or five years old. In other words, that much time would have passed since I would be declared officially missing. After two or three years more, it would become seven years since then, and happily, my status would go from legally missing to legally dead.”
I Hear Them Cry Page 12
