I wiped my tears away and hugged her. It was then a thought occurred to me; I had something Conner didn’t have. Support. My mother had been there for me from the beginning. His had not. He made his mistakes, and she left him. Unlike my mother, she’d chosen her own feelings over his. She selfishly decided to take her disappointment and turn it into resentment, instead of lifting her son up so high that his foundation would take a hurricane to bust. No wonder he’d been swept away.
And here I was, acting like his mother had. I’d jumped to conclusions based on how I felt, never once taking into consideration that I was dealing with someone who, like me, had been bent, broken, and flawed; and that maybe, just listening to what he had to say would have benefited both of us.
I drove to his house, determined for him to hear me out. Even if he didn’t forgive me, I knew I owed him an apology. Whether or not he was flirting with an ex-girlfriend, or if he’d been wasted beyond measure, I had assumed the worst about a situation I knew nothing about. I hadn’t trusted him, and that was the bottom line.
I wasn’t sure what that said about me. I’d thought the whole time we were connecting, talking, and spending time together, that I was slowly learning to believe him—to believe in him. But maybe, as much as I wanted to be there mentally, I wasn’t. Maybe my experiences would never allow me to feel enough security to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I felt defeated pulling into his driveway. His truck was parked outside the garage, so I parked behind him. Sitting in my car for a few minutes, I attempted to pull myself together. I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him when I knocked on the door. But I moved without thinking any further, and within seconds, he opened the door and stood back, silently inviting me inside.
We didn’t exchange pleasantries. In fact, an awkward silence fell around us as I took a seat on his couch. He followed suit, sitting at the opposite end, facing me. His disposition worried me. He was tense, cold. My showing up had set him on edge. He wasn’t calm or confident. He was distant; a million miles away, even though I could have reached out and touched him. My certainty faltered.
I wasn’t sure what I had expected. In my mind, I guess I’d figured that once I explained what I’d felt when I saw the picture, he would understand why I would have made the assumption he was drunk. But as he sat there, staring at me like he’d never met me before, I wasn’t sure I needed to elaborate anymore. I wasn’t sure there was anything left to fight for.
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry.”
His silence stretched on. I watched his head barely nod, but other than that, he didn’t respond. Out of guilt, I continued.
“I shouldn’t have assumed anything. I know that now. I’ve thought about how I would have felt, if you would have done that to me, and…I’m sorry, Conner. I don’t know why I said it. I don’t know why I thought it.”
“You said it because you believed it.”
“Maybe I did.” I shrugged. “But now I understand that even if I did believe it, I should have trusted you. I should have trusted you to confide in me—to do the right thing.”
His gaze dropped. He seemed extremely focused on a piece of loose thread in the leather of the sofa. Our conversation stalled. I watched him turn the thread over his index finger again and again, while I waited on him to respond.
“Why did you believe it? What have I done to give you the impression the first thing I’d do when I got out of town was cheat on you, then get wasted?”
I shook my head hating that we were here. Only weeks ago, I thought my life couldn’t get any better. I thought all my insecurities were in the past, and that I finally had peace with myself. That I was able to have a real relationship with someone who could love me the way I wanted. The way I needed.
“I don’t know. It was almost impulse. I swear, I’ve gone back to the moment my phone rang a million times, and every single time, all I can remember is that it hurt so bad. I felt betrayed, and the only thing that made sense was that you had to have been intoxicated. That there was no way you would have allowed another girl to be that close to you if you were of sound mind.”
He blew out a frustrated breath and rose from the couch. I watched him pace back and forth, considering his next words. It worried me that he had to think so hard on what to say.
“I didn’t know she was there. After the fight, we all went to a club to celebrate. She showed up with some other girls. She was wasted and fell on me. It took everything I had not to knock her ass to the floor. She was in my lap for a total of five seconds, but I guess that’s all it took for a picture to commemorate the moment.” He growled, obviously still frustrated by the incident.
And I believed him. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I felt like he would take offense to it. I didn’t think he would be grateful that I believed him now, so I stayed quiet and allowed him to continue.
“You hurt me too, you know. All I wanted was to hear your voice. To have you anchor me when I felt out of sorts, because I was in an environment I didn’t want to be in. I only went to the after party for Steele. I wanted to support him, but just like every other time I go to places like that, I felt like crawling out of my skin once I got there.”
“I’m so sorry.” I stood.
“I’ve never given someone so much power over me. No one has ever had the ability to hurt me the way you do, because I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”
“I feel the same way about you. I swear, if I could make you understand that my questioning you had more to do with me than it did you, I would. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess old habits are hard to break, even when you think you’ve fought through the toughest part of them. I thought I had left those insecurities behind, but at the first sign of trouble, I went right back to them. And I know I can’t take it back.”
I grabbed his hand and brought it to my mouth. I kissed his palm and held it over my lips while breathing him in. “I promise, I will never doubt you again. Please, accept my apology and know that I will do everything in my power to replace your disappointment with assurance in me—in our relationship. I love you, and I want to be with you.”
His lips caught mine in surprise. Moving with fervor, his hands shot up my shirt, hot and needy. I helped him remove my jeans and panties while he walked me back to his bedroom. Need overtook every inch of my body and soul. Need for us to reconnect. Need for him to forgive me. I wanted him to understand that I’d learned something in the process as well. I’d only ever known the superficial parts to love. Lust. Being able to co-exist; trusting them to hold down a job.
I’d never loved someone the way I loved him, where we’d made it to the nucleus—to the deepest part of the relationship. The part where we both understood that we were our own person without the other, but choosing to live as one. I got that now. I got the intricate parts of how love could last, and I wanted it with him. I wanted it forever.
I put every ounce of passion and emotion I had in my body toward every kiss we shared. Neither of us came up for air; we breathed for each other. Hands, sighs, grunts, and nips furiously overtook, and neither of us fought it. We gave in, gladly.
Conner didn’t speak or even respond to my apology. He never spilled his guts, telling me how much he loved me or needed me. He did show me though.
Three times.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Conner
I fought two more fights before Richard contacted me for a meeting. I thought he’d come calling after meeting him in Vegas, but this was much quicker than I’d expected. I still wasn’t sure about the whole thing, but figured meeting with him wouldn’t hurt. Money talked to most people, and I was no exception.
“Are you nervous?” Willow asked, while stirring the contents on her stove.
“Nah. I mean, regardless, I still have a job, right?” I stole a French fry off her plate and dodged her swat at my ass.
“True. But it could be an awesome opportunity. Even Steele says so.”
“Yeah, but S
teele is used to it. When those people line up outside the gym, he approaches them with no problem. He answers their questions, and takes selfies without complaint. I don’t want to talk to people. And I sure as shit don’t want to take pictures with them.”
She giggled at my gruffness. “Oh, it won’t be so bad. And you know, I could do a story on you, then people wouldn’t be so interested. They’re curious, that’s all. When you don’t give them anything, that’s when they want to know more.” She brought our dinner to the table where I had already taken a seat.
“Fuck no. The last thing I want to do is make people feel like they have a right to know me.”
“Suit yourself. But don’t complain when I’m spending extra time with Gage and Tommy.” She winked. “Dana told me today that depending on how well my interviews go, there may be a spot with The Mat on the line. Can you imagine? One of my articles in The Mat?”
Her excitement thrilled me. I’d never had my emotions play off another woman before. When she was happy, I was happy. When she was upset, I was upset. When she was playful, I was playful. No matter what she was feeling, I wanted to feel it too. I wanted to be so deeply connected to her, that she never had to tell me how she was feeling. Knowing before she did had become my new obsession.
“You can do your interviews at my place,” I suggested.
“Or I could just do them here.” She smiled back at me over her shoulder.
I couldn’t remember a time she had looked more beautiful. My stomach rolled with the knowledge I’d fucked up. There was a piece of me that wanted to just put it out there; admitting that I had given in to drinking. But we’d finally just gotten back to normal after the Vegas fiasco, and bringing up my lie by omission at this point seemed daft. It was over. It had happened. I felt like shit for it, and it seemed useless risking losing her over it. I had my head on straight now. Ruining what we had wasn’t a gamble I was willing to take.
***
“Guess who I’ve got a date with in an hour?” Gage winked, knowing he was pissing me off.
“Date? I doubt it.” I stepped into the cage, ready for my spar with Steele.
“I’ll let you know how it goes.” He chuckled, grabbing his bag and walking out the door.
“That asshole better watch it.” Steele laughed, pushing me in the back.
We’d barely gotten started when a newbie walked in. I hadn’t noticed at first, but Steele stood straight up, stopping us in our tracks. The look on his face made me curious. I followed his lead, and looked toward the door. The tall blonde took in the gym, excitement plain on her face. She was attractive, and given that heads were rolling her way, she had no problems gaining attention.
Steele exited the cage, pulling off his head gear and wiping his face with a towel as he approached her. I waited curiously, wondering what she wanted. There had been a total of two women who’d ever even been inside the facility, as far as I knew, and those were Willow and Lena. Lena of course, never worked out, and Willow had only been there for defense classes.
She followed Steele to his office. Her crop-top fell loosely off her shoulder and her tight pants fit perfectly, sitting low on her hips. Her shoulders were back, and her head lifted high. Her body was lean, and her disposition screamed fearless. She was beautiful, and I knew my buddy wasn’t going to be able to resist her, considering he’d basically ended our session for the day just to talk to her.
The last thing he needed was a distraction, considering he only had a couple of fights left before entering retirement. I wanted him to go out on top. If anyone deserved it, it was him. He had a meeting in a couple of weeks with his manager and Richard, where they’d hammer out the details and the announcement.
I put my gear away, knowing my workout for the day was over. Leaving the gym, I roamed around town, not ready to go home. The problem was, I’d waged war with myself, time and time again. My dishonesty with Willow had been eating away at me, and I knew she could tell. It didn’t help that my dip in the deep end of my disease kept whispering in my ear. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, but I was struggling. I found myself consumed with the need to drink every time I wasn’t with her. I hated myself for it. I hated that I didn’t feel strong enough when she wasn’t around. I couldn’t put that weight on her.
While aimlessly wandering around, I once again found my way to the liquor store. Only this time, I parked in the parking lot across the street. I turned my truck off and sat there. I watched at least twenty people pull up, go inside, and return to their vehicles with their brown bags in tow. Their stories played in my mind. Who were they? Did they just want a beer with dinner? Were they fighting the battle of their lives like I was?
I swallowed, feeling lower than ever. Why was I doing this to myself? My life was going well. I had a decent job, and I had a woman I loved. She was everything I never knew I could have, yet supported me and lifted me up when there was no one else.
I smiled, thinking that was all I needed. I didn’t need the drink. I didn’t need the numbness I felt when I gave into it. I didn’t need to numb anything. In fact, I wanted to feel what my life was becoming. All I had to do was change my thought pattern, and that would change my attitude.
With a renewed sense of self, I pulled out of the parking lot. I just needed to concentrate on where I was going, not where I’d been.
Instead of driving home, I decided to go to Willow’s. Plus, I wanted to check on that dickhead, Gage, and make sure he wasn’t flirting with my girl. I knew he was, and I knew Willow wouldn’t take him seriously, but me being there would force him to tone it down. Maybe.
I walked in and heard them in the kitchen before I saw them. They were laughing, probably at something stupid Gage had said, when they noticed me at the same time.
“Hey, baby.” Willow greeted me with a kiss.
“You about done?”
“Just gettin’ started.” Gage crossed his arms and grinned.
“We’re almost finished,” Willow scolded him.
“Good. I’m taking you out tonight.”
“Really? Where?”
“It’s a surprise.” I had only just decided. I realized I’d been so caught up in my own shit, I had never celebrated her new job, or how well she was doing at it. I grimaced, disappointed. I had to do better by her. And I would start tonight.
“Sorry, Gage. My man is taking me somewhere, and I have to get ready. I’ll come down to the gym later this week and we’ll finish.”
“Great. It’s another date then.” Gage punched me in the shoulder, then quickly ran to the door because he knew I’d punch him back.
Willow laughed. “Why do you hate him? Poor guy. He’s harmless.” She wrapped her arms around my neck.
“Because he flirts with my girl. He’s lucky I don’t kick his ass.”
***
“Conner! I’ve been dying to see this. I can’t believe you got us tickets. I was going to come with Lena before the end of the run,” she said as we took our seats in the auditorium.
I’d purchased tickets to a play at the downtown theater. It hadn’t been my first choice, but I figured it was something different, and she would appreciate my effort. I didn’t own a suit, so I was hoping she wouldn’t be embarrassed by my khakis and polo.
I smiled at her excitement. Luckily, my discomfort had paid off. “I’m glad. I’m proud of you, babe. You’re killing it.”
“Thanks.” She grinned.
“Even though you’re interviewing dumbasses, I’m glad you’re doing an article on Steele’s gym. He does good things.”
“He does. You know, if you ever changed your mind . . .” The excitement in her eyes was hard for me to turn down. When she looked so happy, I fought internally to tell her no.
“I don’t want to be in it.”
“I get it. Dana wanted me to ask again. She has some sort of fascination with you, I think.” She winked.
“Why?” My guard went from zero to fifty in the blink of an eye. I didn’t want or need some f
reelance editor interested in me.
“I’m not sure. Once she found out we were dating, she’s been acting a little strange.”
“Strange how?” On top of my shield rising at the interest of her boss, people were beginning to arrive, making me even more uncomfortable. I hated crowds.
“I don’t know.” She handed me a piece of gum she’d just taken out of her purse. “I thought it was a little odd at first, but then I thought about how she’s middle-aged and not married. Maybe she’s just enamored with young love.”
“We’re not that young.” It wasn’t like we were crazed teenagers.
“I don’t know. She just asks about you a lot.” I scowled at her words. “Not like that. She thinks the article would be better if you were in it, because you’re on the cusp of going pro, and your name would draw more readers.”
I was skeptical, but wouldn’t push the issue. This whole night was supposed to be about celebrating her job, not knocking it. I kept a mental note about her boss’s curiosity, however. I couldn’t imagine why a lady who wrote and edited stories on the top three items to keep in a woman’s purse would be so interested in a no-name fighter who may or may not go pro. I didn’t like it. And I especially didn’t like her pushing my girlfriend to dig up a story on me.
The play was boring as hell. I fell asleep twice. Willow kept elbowing me every time I dozed off, and from the chill in the cab of my truck on the way home, she wasn’t pleased. It wasn’t like I could help it though. I hated frilly shit like that, but to me, the point was I’d taken her. I had made the effort.
“Forgive me?” I dragged her into my lap, not giving her a chance to exit the vehicle when I pulled into her driveway.
“I don’t have much choice, do I?” she said breathlessly, as I kissed the side of her neck.
My hands roamed up her thighs as I pushed her dress up around her waist. My palms were big enough that they covered the tops of her legs. I brushed my thumbs on the inside of her panties, barely caressing the smooth skin I found there. Her breath hitched. As my fingertips found the inside of her folds, my lips found hers. I synchronized each time my tongue found hers with lazy strokes, until I felt her release.
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