by Pepper Pace
She enrolled to the winter semester and once the decision had been made she had to work fast in order to minimize the number of missed classes. Mama gladly gave her the college fund and she used it to move into a place near her campus. Within two weeks of returning home, she was settled into a new home enrolled in school…and that had been the easy part.
College made partying and drinking much too easy. And there was no shortage of gorgeous men that found her equally as interesting. Robin thought that you could wipe out old dick with new dick. But she soon found that this was not true. In fact, she discovered that being groped by random guys was a big turn off. Despite her best efforts to fuck away her pain, she discovered that every time she got naked and felt a man’s hands and lips on her body it disgusted her. A mouth became something that was filled with spit, bad breath and questionable teeth. Dicks were blood engorged, mucus dripping instruments of destruction. She couldn’t stand to have a man’s sweaty balls near her or feel their clutching hands grasping at her body parts. Sometimes it made her physically ill and she had to jump up and be sick. Shawn’s was the last dick that Robin had experienced.
Anymore, sex was frequent masturbation to computer porn. Sometimes when an unwanted memory of freckled skin and a huge cock came to mind the resulting orgasm would be quick and powerful. But only during masturbation would she allow herself to entertain scant memories such as those. She never thought about ‘him’, not even his name. Robin was successful in burying her past and shielding her soft underbelly with a hardened shell that didn’t allow for close personal relationships—even from a random sex partner, especially from a random sex partner.
Robin no longer thought of her life in terms of happiness or sadness. But she found ways to get through. Drinking would only eat a hole through her stomach…but marijuana wouldn’t and neither would her favorite drug; music. But her chest still felt like there was a black hole in it. And one day, feeling nostalgic, Robin opened up Miss Lucille’s jewelry box. There were some memories that didn’t hurt and Miss Lucille was one of them. It seemed that everything was so mixed up now that she had no even footing on her life. She missed her Mama. She and Mr. Benali had really hit it off and upon returning to Cincinnati their relationship had continued long distance. But before too long Mr. Benali invited her to Atlanta and she had accepted his invitation, closed her business and relocated.
Robin ran her fingers over the jewelry, having a strange sense that the pretty baubles had been sitting there for a long time—waiting for the perfect time to be worn. What a shame that people took for granted what was right before their eyes. She slowly picked up the card that she had tucked away within the treasures. It was Bently Babb’s business card. She had been thinking about something for a long time and as she stared at Bentley’s number Robin allowed the thought to take root; and that idea was that she would die if she continued living as she was; she would either die because of her ulcer or at the hands of some random man that she’d rejected. She dialed the number before she could think of an excuse not to.
“Dr…Um, Bently. This is Robin.”
“Robin, so good to hear from you. How are you?”
For some reason, his kind words brought tears to her eyes. “Um…Can you help me?” And then she had broken down and cried.
“Robin, what’s wrong?!”
“I was wondering if you could refer me to a psychiatrist or something? I think I need help…”
Bently had talked to her for nearly an hour, and then he had indeed referred her to a colleague that was top in the psychiatric field. He wasn’t seeing new patients but had willingly seen her due to his association with Bentley. It was very expensive but Robin saw the psychiatrist at least once every other week and sometimes once every week and took the hit to her pocketbook as a necessary expense. Bentley helped by paying for her first 12 visits. He offered to pay for more but she wouldn’t allow it. He had already given her much more then she thought she deserved.
It wasn’t immediate, and sometimes it even seemed frivolous, but she was eventually able to talk about her mother and her father and even the things that caused her to panic. But one thing that she never ever talked about was Jason. It helped; the talking. She certainly did not think that she was healed. And she still didn’t think in terms of happy or sad, but at least she knew that she had to drink in moderation and she had to live in the moment and not in the past. And in that way, Robin assumed that she had healed herself.
She wore Miss Lucille’s pretty jewels, she lit the candles that most people just put out for show. She danced by herself to Daft Punk, she saw a sign that said ‘Singer Wanted’ and she snatched it up and joined a band and at night she plunged her fingers into her body while her heart raced and fantasized about the light brushing of red hair along her thighs.
***
When Robin returned home after the performance, she stripped out of her clothes and turned on the radio. She then powered on her laptop. It was midnight but she had finals which would mark the end of her first semester of school, and then she could go down to Atlanta and finally visit her mother and Mr. Benali. Unconsciously she hummed and tapped her feet to the music. Studying wasn’t easy for her, she struggled but having music playing helped her to concentrate. Paramore’s; The only Exception began to stream through the speakers and Robin’s heart almost seemed to freeze in her chest. She nearly knocked the laptop to the floor leaping up to quickly snap off the radio.
She rubbed her face in annoyance. Why could a song still have so much power to bring back a memory? It shook her, that particular song and the memories that it brought. With determination Robin stormed to her bookcase. She knew how to counteract these unwanted emotions!
Not with marijuana or liquor. But with DAFT PUNK! Robin found her ipod and scanned to the tune that had become her anthem. She put in earbuds and it didn’t matter that it was after midnight when she cranked up the volume. She allowed the music to fill her body until she was overcome with the need to move. And then bouncing around her apartment in nothing but panties and a t-shirt, singing the lyrics repeatedly like a mantra, lyrics that she wanted to live by, Robin felt good again.
Chapter 7
Jason stared at the big screen television, his long body stretched out in the reclining chair in a position that seemed leisurely but wasn’t since he was not in a state of relaxation. He was tense and focused. Music from Wheels of Steel streamed from the surround sound speakers. And then the camera focused on the form of one dancer; lost in the music, Robin dressed as the sexy Queen of Hearts.
Jason’s eyes stayed glued to her, the way her eyes closed and she seemed oblivious to her surroundings. He had counted the number of men that had watched her, the number of times that she had wet her lips, how many times her eyes had blinked. Over the months he had learned every nuance of every motion she made in the video. He pressed pause and studied her form.
There was a loud knock on the door and Jason blinked as if awakening from a dream.
“What?!”
Normally no one bothered him when he locked himself away like this. Everyone knew the familiar sounds of the Omicron Halloween party DVD that Amberly had created and had then given to him and Peter for Christmas. Sometimes Jason would sit for hours watching the video or listening to the DVD that he had recorded of Robin’s singing, just playing it over and over.
“Jason, can I come in. I need to talk to you!” Amberly voice drifted through the closed door. He didn’t immediately move but finally pressed stop on the DVD player and got up and walked to the door unlocking it. He ignored the cane that sat propped against the chair, and it had been a long time since he’d needed crutches or his wheelchair. Jason wordlessly returned to his seat after unlocking the door without bothering to open it, plopping down listlessly. Amberly opened the door, her eyes flitted to the television screen uneasily but then she smiled again.
“Jason, I saw Robin tonight!”
Jason’s head instantly swiveled towards her. “What?”
<
br /> “At a club!”
He suddenly sat up straight. “What club? Why didn’t you call me?!”
She bounced on her toes happily. “Because she performs there every Thursday!” He frowned at her in confusion. “Robin’s in a band!” She explained.
“A band…” His eyes narrowed. “What’s the name of it?” He had already leaped to his feet and was limping quickly to his computer.
“Orange Crush.”
Jason began pecking away quickly on the computer. “Eh!” He scowled as Amberly moved behind him to see what he was doing. “Nothing! What’s the name of the club?”
“Nuthouse.”
Jason’s pecking continued and then he paused, a slight smile tilting the corners of his mouth. He pulled up a site for The Nuthouse and saw that it was a Club in Madisonville. They had an open mic night, Karaoke as well as nightly live band and dj’s. Orange Crush was on the schedule each Thursday; no picture of the band, though.
He rubbed back his hair turning to Amberly. “How…how was she?”
“Good. It’s just three girls; Robin singing and the other two on guitar.” Amberly shrugged. “She’s a good singer-”
“No…I mean, how did she seem? Did she seem okay?”
Amberly looked uncomfortable. She scooped her hair back behind her ears and frowned. “She seems…different. I would have never thought that she’d be singing or even dancing in some club.” She shrugged.
Jason considered her words. “Orange Crush…”
***
The girls had jammed all week, sometimes they blew off studying to meet at Becca and Tracey’s apartment to kick back with the guitar, singing whatever came to mind. Which didn’t mean that they had practiced for Thursday’s set. But since they rarely did, it was all cool. Even when they messed up a little the band was still quirky and fun and no one ever complained or booed them.
Earlier they had messed around with learning A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall, and now they were lying around smoking weed. Robin was on the chaise with her head hanging off the edge and nearly touching the floor. She was stoned but it was cool because at least she wasn’t drunk as well.
Tracy was strumming lightly on the guitar. She was petite, with non-existent breasts or ass. Her dyed pink and blonde hair was cut short into a boy cut. Her eyes were light grey and her skin was pale beneath a spattering of freckles. She was bisexual and could easily pass for a prepubescent boy…and often had.
Becca moved across the room to hand Robin the joint that she had just rolled. She could have been a supermodel except that she wasn’t even as tall as Robin. She had long raven hair and sky blue eyes set within a tanned face. She was a girlie girl that had to get her nails done, get her hair professionally styled and shop until she dropped. She and Becca were best friend’s but friend’s only. Becca was straight and had two boyfriends to prove it.
Robin accepted the joint and after taking two puffs returned it to Becca who then walked it over to Tracy, placing it between her lips as the girl continued to play.
“What are we going to play tonight?” Becca asked.
“Fuck if I know.” Robin responded. They only had an hour long set but they didn’t like playing the same things week after week. They had a small following…which basically amounted to some people from school, and whoever Becca was having sex with.
They spent too much time discussing random things instead of working up a set so before they knew it, it was time to get to the club. Tracy drove them in her mini cooper and they headed to the lower level ‘backstage area’ while open mic finished up. They usually got there early enough so that they could have a good laugh at the performers. It was a very good thing that the backstage area was in the lower level because the girl’s marijuana induced laughter was loud and often times obnoxious.
They had fun together and laughed easily but when it was time to perform they got into Orange Crush mode and became very serious. The spotlight was on them and Robin headed for the stool that had the mic in front of it.
“What are we going to do, girls?” Tracey asked as they got into position.
“A Hard Rain?” Becca Suggested.
Robin shook her head. “Nah. I still don’t have all of the lyrics down.”
“Gives You Hell?”
Tracy scowled. “As a starter? No way.”
“Well come on bitches!” Becca exclaimed and several members of the audience chuckled.
Robin looked over at them shrugging. “Summertime?”
“Yeah,” Becca responded while beginning to strum out the opening notes of the Janis Joplin song. Robin turned to the audience but didn’t see them, just heard the melody and felt the words begin to leave her mouth. She could sound like Janis Joplin if she wanted to, but she opted to turn it into more of a soulful rendition then a bluesy one. The best thing about Orange Crush is that no one got uptight when she did things like that. When the song ended the crowd went nuts! It was always good when the crowd went nuts on the first song! Amateur night had evidently gotten them primed for some good singing.
Becca gave her the raised eyebrow, meaning that this version of the song was going into their play set. After that they did tunes by Lady Gaga, Keri Hillson and Robin was in the middle of Katy Perry’s Firework; her mind so into the song that she didn’t realize that she was moving across the stage with her head thrown back, wailing out the lyrics at the top of her lungs, the crowd stomping and singing along with her.
And that is when her eyes glimpsed something that caused her to squint past the spotlight that was shining on her and out to the crowd. Her body suddenly went ice cold. No one probably had any idea that she was in a total state of shock in that second that she saw Jason Hamilton. The words continued to flow from her mouth, the crowd continued to sing along with her, but her brain was in suspended animation.
Jason was watching her performance from across the room where he, Belinda and Peter sat at one of the small tables. Robin couldn’t take her eyes from them, especially from Jason. His hair was different. At some point he had cut it and it had grown back, not quite reaching his shoulders but still long and unruly. He had let his sideburns grow out until they met with the slight bit of facial hair that seemed more like he’d neglected shaving one day instead of one week. He was wearing a sweater but his muscles filled it out even more than she remembered…
The words stopped coming from her mouth and she realized that it was because the song had ended. Everyone began applauding and she looked around as if she didn’t know how she’d gotten there. Belinda and Peter were whistling and clapping like mad. Jason just stared at her.
Tracy started playing another Katy Perry song and Robin moved to perch herself onto the stool. Her legs were too weak for her to continue standing. She averted her eyes from the little group at the table. So that had been Amberly last week. And where was she now?
Robin sang about Teenage Dreams wishing that she was anywhere but here. And when the song ended she gestured for Tracy to cut it. Her friend covered her mic and leaned forward.
“We got two more songs we need to do.”
“I can’t…”
“What’s wrong?” Becca asked them.
“Just play Tick Tock!” Robin snapped.
The Kesha song was usually sang by Becca and Tracy and they used it when Robin’s voice began to fade. Robin walked off stage, and headed down the stairs to the back stage, ignoring the applause that followed her. Then the girls began singing the Kesha song and the audience went wild for them.
Robin paced back and forth, her face twisted into an angry scowl. Why did they have to show up and spoil everything?! She hadn’t invited them back into her life and she didn’t want them here; not any of them and that included Peter and Belinda! Their friendship had been a double edged sword. They pretended to be her friends but constantly stabbed her in the back. It was always about Jason; catering to him. But when she needed them…
