In the old days she knew that there had always been a Clansman stationed there to watch for the approach of Vikings or scanning the moors for the first sight of hostile Clansmen, who were usually the McDonavans.
Mrs. Sutherland had been right.
The view was indeed fantastic and Pepita felt that she needed beauty to take away the feeling of depression that contact with the Duchess always gave her.
She therefore pulled open the door that led to the Tower and started to climb the twisting stone steps, seeing her way by the moonlight coming through the ancient arrow slits.
When she opened the door at the top, the moon seemed almost dazzling in its brightness as she stepped out onto the roof.
If the view had been beautiful in the sunshine with its strange lights on the moors and a shimmering haze over the sea, the moonlight made it even more spectacular.
The moon was almost full and the stars in the sky seemed more brilliant than any Pepita had ever seen before.
The gardens were touched with silver as was the sea beyond them and she felt as if she had walked into a Fairyland and that everything commonplace and ugly was left behind.
Because beauty always moved her she felt as if her whole being leapt towards the wonder and magic of it and it became part of herself.
Then suddenly, and somehow it did not seem an intrusion, but almost as if she had expected it to happen, she heard a deep voice behind her say,
“I thought this was where I would find you!”
“I could not believe anything could be so lovely,” she exclaimed.
“That is what I thought when I first saw you.”
For a moment it did not seem to matter that he should be paying her a compliment, nor did she remember that she had been trying for the last few days to avoid being alone with him.
Then he said very quietly,
“You know, Pepita, that I love you!”
The depth of his voice and the sincere way he spoke seemed for a moment to hypnotise her.
Then with a little cry she came back to reality.
“No – no – you must not say – such a – thing!”
“Why not?” he asked. “It is true that I love you and there is nothing in life I want more than that you should marry me.”
It was then that she turned to look up at him, her eyes very wide and frightened in her face.
“Are you – crazy?”
“Yes,” he replied, “so crazy that I can no longer go on as we are.”
He put his arms round her as he spoke and before she could resist him, before she could put up her hands to defend herself, his lips were on hers.
For a second she was too surprised to move and when she tried to it was too late.
His lips were hard and compelling and, even as it flashed through her mind that she must escape from him, she knew that she had no wish to do so.
Something warm and wonderful moved through her breast and up her throat to touch her lips.
Then, as his kiss became more demanding and more possessive, she felt as if the moonlight seeped through her body and the beauty of it gave her a sensation that she had never felt before.
It was so wonderful and so glorious that it seemed not real but part of the magic that had been in her dreams and yet suddenly it was hers.
Torquil held her closer and still closer until, when she felt as if he had given her not only the light of the moon but the stars shimmering in her breast, he raised his head.
“I love you, I adore you!” he breathed. “Nothing shall stop me from making you my wife!”
He spoke with fierce determination and, when she tried to tell him that it was impossible, his lips were on hers again.
He kissed her fiercely, demandingly and compellingly in a way that told her that he was afraid of losing her.
Caught up once again with the magic that made it impossible to think, she could only feel the moonlight rippling through her until it became a rapture beyond words and at the same time almost a pain.
She could only surrender herself to the wonder of it.
Then at last, as if the ecstasy of their feelings made it imperative to breathe, Pepita gave a little murmur and hid her face against Torquil’s neck.
“I love you!” he said and his voice was deep and unsteady. “God, how I love you!”
She did not answer. She could find no words to do so.
Very gently he put his fingers under her chin and turned her face up to his.
“Tell me what you feel about me.”
“I – love you – too,” she whispered, “but – I did not know that love was – like this.”
“Like what, my precious?”
“So wonderful that I feel I am no longer on earth but floating amongst the – stars.”
“That is how I feel too,” he said. “My darling, you have made it very difficult for me these last few days. I realised that you were trying to avoid me, when all I wanted was that we should acknowledge the love we have for each other.”
“It is – something we – must not do.”
“Why not?”
She gave a sigh that seemed to come from the very depths of her being.
“You – know why.”
“The only thing I know,” he replied hastily, “is that I want you and because I know you love me, my beautiful one, nothing else is of any importance.”
With an almost superhuman effort Pepita managed to move a little away from him even though his arms were still round her.
“Listen to me,” she said, “please – you must listen to me.”
“I am listening,” he answered, “but you know that all I want to do is kiss you.”
She pressed both her hands hard against his chest to prevent him from doing so and then she said,
“The children – I have to – think of the – children.”
Torquil did not answer and after a moment she went on,
“You know that, if the Duke realises what we feel for each other, he will send me away – and I cannot leave the children here without anybody to – protect them.”
“Protect them?” Torquil asked. “You are not really afraid of the Duchess!”
“She hates them,” Pepita replied. “She is trying to turn the Duke – against them even though she has – failed up to – now.”
“But he is fond of them and he would see that they came to no harm.”
“You know I cannot – leave them.”
“You cannot stay here for the rest of your life,” Torquil said harshly, “being treated as an outcast and enduring incredible rudeness from that damned woman!”
He spoke violently and because it was unexpected it made Pepita smile.
“You are – supposed,” she said a little unsteadily, “to have – made up your feud with the – McDonavans.”
“If they were all like the Duchess,” Torquil replied, “I would exterminate the whole Clan, if it was within my power to do so!”
He pulled her back into his arms again and said,
“Neither the McDonavans nor anyone else can prevent us from being together.”
He would have kissed her, but Pepita turned her face away from him so that his lips rested on her cheek as she said,
“I am not only – thinking of the – children, but also of –you.”
“Of me?” he questioned. “In what way?”
“You are a McNairn and I know the Duke loves you and treats you as if you were his son. He exiled his real son because he married my sister – what do you think he would do to you if he knew that you loved me?”
“He is not my father.”
“No, but he is your Chieftain,” Pepita replied, “and you know as well as I do that although you are independent of him, your lands march with his and you are a McNairn and part of the Clan.”
“I am not afraid of him,” Torquil insisted, “and the only thing that matters to me is you. You fill my whole life and I cannot think of anything but you and your beauty.”
Pepita gave a deep sigh.
“Please – please be – sensible,” she begged, “for your own sake as well as for mine.”
“And what do you call ‘sensible’?”
“I think it would be best if you went away, at least for a while,” she replied, “until we can forget what has happened tonight.”
His arms tightened round her.
“Will you forget?”
“That is – different.”
“Why is it different?”
She would have hidden her face against him, but once again he turned it up to his.
“Answer me truthfully,” he said. “Will you forget my love and that I have kissed you?”
Her eyes fell before his and she could not answer.
Then once again his lips were on hers and he kissed her violently, fiercely and so possessively that she felt as if she became a part of him and no longer had any identity of her own.
Then, as if the softness and sweetness of her lips made him aware of how vulnerable she was, his kisses became more tender and gentle and she felt as if he wooed her in a manner that was impossible to resist and impossible to deny.
She knew as he kissed her that she had loved him from the first moment when she had felt that he was the only friend she had in The Castle.
It had grown every day as she saw him looking so incredibly handsome in his kilt.
She had fallen more and more in love with him until she could not think of anybody else when he was there and she dreamt of him every night.
Now at this moment, as she surrendered herself to the ecstasy he evoked in her, she knew that this was love as she had always wanted to find it.
It was the love that her sister had had for Alistair and he for her.
It was the love that had always been in her dreams and which she had hoped she might one day find if she was very very lucky.
Now she had found it, but because it was love for a man to whom she must never mean anything, she had to be strong and refuse it.
Almost as if he could read her thoughts and knew what she was feeling, Torquil raised his head and said,
“What can we do, my precious love?”
Then before she could reply he went on,
“I intend to marry you, but I understand what you feel about the children.”
“How can I – trust the – Duke?” Pepita asked.
Her voice was very low and it was difficult to speak because Torquil was kissing her cheek and her heart was beating frantically against his.
“I know that the way he behaved towards Alistair was abominable and unnatural,” Torquil replied, “but perhaps now he has learnt his lesson.”
“How can you be sure of that?” Pepita asked. “And there is the – Duchess.”
“I don’t believe that she could now persuade him to send you and the children away.”
“But – if she has a son,” Pepita said, “she will hate Rory more than she does already and she might even – harm him.”
“That is ridiculous,” Torquil protested. “I agree that she would want her own son to be in his place, but even so you cannot protect him forever and soon he will have to go to school.”
“The Duke may – send them both away.”
“I am sure he will not do that.”
“I am not – sure of – anything,” Pepita said desperately.
“Except of me! You must be sure, my darling, that I love you and sure too that sooner or later, although we may have to wait, you will be my wife.”
“What sort of life would it be for you – exiled by the Duke from your kith and kin – with the members of the Clan – hating me as I am sure they hated my sister.”
Torquil was silent and she knew that he could not in all sincerity contradict what she had said.
Very gently she moved from his arms.
“You must go back,” she said. “The Duke may – miss you and – suspect that you are with – me.”
“They will be playing bridge and I shall not be missed,” Torquil replied.
“How can you be sure of that – or of anything else?” Pepita asked. “Oh, Torquil, I am – afraid!”
“My precious, my darling, I have no wish to make things more difficult for you than they are already, but I love you so desperately and I cannot lose you.”
Pepita walked a few steps to the edge of the Tower and looked out over the sea.
Her whole being was throbbing with the wonder that Torquil had evoked in her.
For the moment it was difficult to think that it was wrong of him to have kissed her and that his love was something she should refuse.
She needed him and, while every nerve in her body vibrated towards him, she knew that he felt the same.
He moved to stand beside her.
Then he said,
“We will always remember this moment because it means so much to both of us and I swear to you by everything I believe in that you will be mine and we will be together, whatever the odds against us.”
The way he spoke was very moving and Pepita turned her head to look at him.
Then, as their eyes met, it was impossible to look away.
“Tell me,” Torquil said, “as you stand here and we have left the world behind, what you feel about me.”
“I – love you!” Pepita said very softly.
“And I love you!”
She knew that it was a vow they were making, which was something so sacred to them both that neither of them could ever break it.
Then he said,
“As I love, adore and worship you, my darling, so will I move Heaven and earth if necessary to make you mine. In the meantime I will be very careful not to do anything that would hurt you.”
He took her hand in his and raised it to his lips.
Then, as she felt his kiss on the softness of her skin, a little quiver ran through her and he said,
“Take care of yourself, my lovely wife-to-be. Dream of me and pray that, as God has brought us together, He will give us to each other, because otherwise neither of us will ever find happiness.”
He kissed her hand again and then turning he walked away and disappeared through the darkness of the Tower door and she heard his footsteps going slowly down the twisting stone stairs.
Only when she could hear him no longer did she put her hands over her eyes and feel as if her whole body was throbbing with the glory of a love that was beyond anything she had ever dreamt or imagined.
This was not only beauty, the beauty of music and flowers, the stars and the moon, it was also a very human need for a man.
Torquil, she thought, was everything a man should be, idealistic, kind and generous and at the same time determined and authoritative in the things that mattered.
At this moment it was not hard to believe that only by some miracle would she be able to become his wife.
“I love him, I love him!” Pepita whispered to herself.
Then, as if she was suddenly aware of the enormity of the difficulties that lay ahead of them, she lifted up her arms to the stars overhead and, with an intensity that came from her very soul, she prayed,
“Help me – please, God – help me! Do not let me – lose anything so wonderful – help us to find – a way that we can be together– ”
She prayed aloud, but her voice seemed lost in the stillness of the night.
Then, as if the shimmering moonlight on the sea had lost some of its power to entrance her, Pepita turned and very slowly left the Tower.
Shutting out the wonder of the night, she crept quietly down the stairs towards her bedroom.
*
The next day the guests who had been staying at The Castle went off early after breakfast to shoot on the moors and Rory went with them.
Torquil was not at breakfast and Pepita knew that it was because after what they had said and felt last night he could not face her when there were so many other people present.
Rory was excited about going out with his grandfather and all through br
eakfast he kept asking him,
“When can I shoot, Grandpapa? You promised me I could and I want to shoot just as well as you do.”
“That is a compliment, Duke,” one of the older guests laughed. “In a year or two, like all young people today, he will be saying that he shoots better than you do.”
“I have a few years left,” the Duke answered in a good-humoured voice.
As if she thought that Rory was receiving too much attention, Jeanie got down from her chair and walked to her grandfather’s side.
“I want to come with you. Grandpapa,” she said. “I would like to shoot too.”
The Duke took her up onto his knee.
“Ladies do not shoot,” he said firmly.
“Then I am the exception, Kelvin,” the Duchess said from the end of the table. “I may inform you that I am an extremely good shot with both a rifle and a gun.”
She spoke in a hard rather aggressive voice that made some of the guests look at her in surprise.
When the Duke did not answer, she went on,
“My husband is old-fashioned enough to think that women should confine themselves to sewing and knitting, but I have always been able to fish as well as my brothers, and shoot as well as they can, if not better, and certainly beat them when it comes to riding!”
The way she was boasting told Pepita that she wished to draw attention to herself and was once again annoyed at the Duke’s attitude towards his grandchildren.
“I am sorry to tell you, Duchess, that I too do not like to see women shooting,” one of the other guests remarked. “Like Kelvin, I am old-fashioned.”
“When you come to stay with us next year,” the Duchess replied, “expect to find me on the moors beside you and I shall be able to prove my point that a woman can often be the equal of a man, even in what you consider is essentially a man’s sport.”
The Duke rose abruptly from the other end of the table.
“We will be leaving in five minutes,” he said sharply. “Hurry up and get ready, Rory, or I shall go without you.”
Rory gave a cry of horror at the idea and ran from the room and Pepita hastily followed him.
Jeanie held on to her grandfather’s hand.
“When you come back, Grandpapa,” she said, “will you bring me a piece of white heather to bring me luck? You must pick it yourself, because Fergus says that a piece of white heather from the Chieftain of the McNairns is the luckiest charm anybody could own.”
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