My frustrations were out of control. Aurelio stood and dismissed everyone. After the last man left the room, he shut the door and looked at me.
“Get your head in the game, Javi,” he ordered and I scoffed.
“Fuck off.”
I stood facing him. My missing eye felt like it was twitching as the anger and aggravation was simply too much to process. I wanted Maricio dead, the sooner the better.
“Shit’s hard. Our world is hard.” His face turned serious. “But we’ve got to be men who find the good in the very worst of situations. The greatest sacrifice you can make as a parent is giving your children a chance to thrive on their own. A chance to live a real life. Even if that means staying away from them. You lost Yesnia. Maybe it was a necessary evil. Maybe not being in our world kept her alive. It allowed her a chance to be free from everything that ties us down.”
His words may have rang true, but they infuriated me. “You do not get to stand here spouting off about kids to me. You’re not a parent.”
His eyes clouded in some emotion I couldn’t read.
“I’m not. What I am is a man who knows our world. The good, the bad, and the ugly. What happened to Yesnia was ugly. I’m not trying to take away your pain. I’m simply trying to tell you the sacrifice we must make as men, as parents, well, sometimes it’s the greatest of pains but for the best of outcomes.”
I growled as my anger continued to climb, filling me with an insatiable rage. “Do not try to understand my pain or my sacrifice.”
“Jefe, you need to remain focused on your business.” He gave a slight shrug. “A growing youngster would have been a distraction. I’m not saying I understand your loss or your sacrifice. I’m simply stating that a man in your power is better off with no attachments.”
“You think I don’t already know this?” I paced the space. My anger grew but only because what he said was right. The blessing in this was that Yesnia was not in my world.
“Have no guilt in her loss, Jefe. It’s on Dominguez,” Aurelio explained.
And that was the truth. It wasn’t on my conscious what happened to Yesnia. It was on Maricio and I would make him pay.
“Leave. I have to pack,” I ordered and he complied.
Aurelio would keep business on track as I went to Tennessee. Blowing out a breath, I stretched to loosen my tense shoulders.
Not having Yesnia in my life as she grew pained me. But it was a necessary sacrifice because I couldn’t say she wouldn’t have been unscarred by my life. Look at my cousin, Antonio. He deserved to die by the Devil’s Due MC. It still didn’t lessen the loss. She would have made me weak. And in my business any weaknesses I had would be exploited.
I made my way to my room where I packed a bag. Carla had already packed for Mari. I just needed to tell her we would be leaving.
She sat up on the bed. Her eyes met mine and it was obvious she had been crying. I moved to her. Reaching out, I pulled her up and into my arms. I didn’t mean to give her comfort, but I couldn’t help myself in the moment. Over the last couple of weeks as the days have passed, we have shared these moments. Tiny blips in time that connected us again. As much as I wanted her to hurt, I couldn’t bring her any pain deeper than what she was already feeling. With every day that went on, I found myself softening to her.
“Oh Mari,” I whispered into her hair.
“I miss her,” she sobbed into my shoulder. “She was my entire reason for being.”
My shirt was quickly saturated with her tears. Her pain kicked me in the balls. I struggled to breathe. I knew what I felt at the loss of my daughter. I knew the bitterness of losing so much time, but I couldn’t imagine what it was to have held her close and now be forced to let her go. It only increased my hatred for Maricio.
“I carried her inside me, Javi. When I had the darkest of my days, she was the reason I kept going. From the moment I realized I was pregnant, my life became hers. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
She was being so open, so raw. It opened something inside of me that had been closed off since she left so long ago. After all these years, I felt my heart beating again in a way it hadn’t since she left.
“Maricio will pay,” I said more to myself than for her benefit. “For every tear you’ve shed, he will pay.”
She pulled away from me and looked me in the eye. “Good.” She seemed to steel her spine and collect herself. “He needs to pay. He took enough from me before she was born. He didn’t get to take her from me and he did.”
“I have an update. We leave in the morning.”
She raised her eyebrows in shock. “We?”
“On my word, I will do everything I can to give you closure with your brother. While he wronged us both, you grew Yesnia in your body. You gave your life giving her happiness. You are in pain and for that pain he will pay. I won’t keep you from being able to feel at peace. I won’t prevent you from finding your closure with Maricio.”
Before I could register what was happening, Mari rolled up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine. We both found ourselves breathing heavy when she finally pulled away. Biting her bottom lip, I could tell she had something on her mind.
“What was that for?” I asked, wanting nothing more than to climb up in her head and sort out her thoughts.
“We’ve lost years. We’ve both made mistakes and they’ve cost us everything. For a moment, I wanted to forget. I don’t want to lose more time, waste moments. I just want to forget everything.”
Not wasting another second, I pulled her to me, crashing my lips down on hers. I needed to forget as much as she did. She sucked on my bottom lip as I ran my hands down to cup her ass.
In moments we were both yanking off each other’s clothes as moans escaped her mouth between kisses. Soon I was naked, with her in my arms, my dick hardened. I ran my hands up, going to her ample tits. With her full, plump breasts now free, I dropped my head to suck one of her nipples into my mouth. Flicking my tongue around, her hands grabbed at my head, holding me to her as she whimpered without shame.
I guided her back until we hit the bed as I continued licking and sucking her tit while my hands grabbed, squeezing her ass hard. When I pushed her gently back, she lay on the bed before me in all her naked glory. She was as beautiful today as she was so many years ago.
Her small frame full of curves turned me on even more as I drank her in. I ran my hands over every inch of her as I learned her body once again. Her hips had widened since we were young, thighs thickened, and breasts… oh, her breasts had filled out.
With my hands laying lightly on her, I watched as she inhaled deeply.
“Javi,” she whispered and squirmed under me.
Leaning over her, I kissed her softly, slowly letting her tongue dance with mine. She moved her legs, wrapping them around my hips, pulling me to her. I broke away to kiss down to her neck where I exhaled against the spot just behind her ear.
“Tell me you want this,” I whispered.
She arched into me. “I need more, Javi.”
“Tell me,” I repeated.
“I want this.”
I ran my nose along her collarbone. “Then I’ll give it to you.” I trailed feather-light kisses down her abdomen, still in awe of her curves.
Kissing each of her hips, I ran my tongue to the crease of her legs. Finding her pussy, pink and plump, I pulled her lips apart with my thumbs, stroking up and down along the sensitive nerve endings. Tasting her, I ran my tongue through her folds. I flicked my tongue against her clit as she tightened under me. I moved to insert one finger in her, relishing the feeling. Slowly, I teased her with my finger, in and out, as I used my tongue to keep pressure on her nub, sending her over the edge in a soft orgasm.
She panted frantically as I backed away to rub her folds with my fingers delicately, giving her body time to go through the aftershocks.
Making my way back up, I licked circles around her right nipple while rolling her left between my thumb and forefinger. She squ
irmed under me, wanting more.
Back at her mouth, I sucked on her bottom lip, releasing it with a smacking sound.
“Turn over, baby,” I said as I moved her onto all fours. I wanted to be deep. I needed to be so far inside her I couldn’t remember where she ended and I began.
Reaching above us, I grabbed a pillow and put it under her to support the angle I wanted her in. I massaged her back, relaxing her as I guided her head down so she was ass up in the air in front of me. Rubbing her ass, I used my hands to spread her cheeks as I allowed my thumbs to tease circles around her puckered entry. Leaning over, I ran my tongue over her pussy again. She was so wet and so greedy, she began trying to clench around my tongue.
When she started rocking back towards my face, I pulled away and lined up to enter her. Rubbing my dick through her wet folds, I continued to tease her. Inching just the tip into her opening, I paused. Before I could move, she pushed back, her pussy engulfing my entire length as she moaned her pleasure. She fit me like a glove as I slowly began to slide all the way out, only to quickly push back in. She felt so good under me. It felt so right to be inside her again. I almost busted a nut too soon.
As I reached down, I took one of her tits in my hand, and tugged on her nipple. She stilled beneath me as her climax began building once again. Increasing my pace, I placed my hands on her hips to control her movements. As I thrust faster, she trembled as she cried out my name while her orgasm washed over her again.
Knowing I was getting close, I pulled out. Quickly, I flipped her over to face me. Slowly, I entered her again as her pussy gripped my dick with her aftershocks. I leaned down and kissed her as she wrapped her legs and arms around me. Meeting her gaze, I steadily increased my pace, no longer able to hold back as my own orgasm came on fast and hard.
Dropping my forehead to hers, I fought to regulate my breathing. Still inside her, eye to eye, I whispered, “Mari, you’re my greatest weakness.”
Without another word, or another moment passing, I pulled out of her and walked away.
She gave and I took.
She took and I gave.
Mari Belle Dominguez was Heaven and Hell in one human being. She was truly my greatest strength and motivation, as well as my biggest weakness and my downfall.
We crossed a line tonight. One I knew we couldn’t come back from. In pain there were carnal cravings. We gave into the pain. We gave into the craving.
It would cost us both.
Chapter Nine
Mari Belle
He left me laying in a bed with his cum dripping out of me. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. My body ached for more and my mind reeled over giving into him. Everything with Javi seemed to be this twisted mess.
What the hell had we done?
I got so lost in the hurt, I made a mistake. I reached out to the enemy seeking comfort, seeking an escape. I wasn’t strong enough to be stuck in such close quarters with Javier Almanza. When I was broken down and distracted, he was there. It was too convenient.
The problem was I couldn’t clearly define him as my enemy anymore. While sometimes he was still harsh, we had had these moments over the last few weeks where the connection we once shared seemed to be pulling us back together. Like a magnet, I was unable to resist the pull.
I couldn’t hold onto my hatred and anger for him when I knew it was Maricio who put the bullet in my daughter.
Hate and love were both powerful emotions. Both carried a heavy weight. Both were capable of destroying people. Hate and love were strong emotions that only grew the more they were allowed to. Could I freely give into loving Javi again? I knew I could easily hate him for the rest of my days, but by some miracle, could I let myself love him once more? I didn’t feel that I could let it all go. Yet, I thought for the briefest of moments, I may not ever love him the same, but I might be able to care for him. I couldn’t deny the pull. It was the only thing I knew with absolute certainty.
He would forever be my weakness, which was obvious. Was he my flaw or did it come down to the pain of losing my daughter? I tried to tell myself it was the latter and I was using him for a moment of reprieve from the anguish. Deep inside, I knew it was him, but I wasn’t ready to admit anything.
For a moment I had it.
In a lust filled fog, I gave in.
I gave him my body.
I gave him my pain.
Truth be told, I gave Javier Almanza another piece of me.
It was a critical error.
I shouldn’t have done it. I should have resisted. I should have carried my own burdens without him. I never should have opened the door for him to invade my soul again. Because that’s what Javi and I had. A soul seeking connection that was dangerous. We both were the Achilles’ heel for the other. I knew I impacted him as much as he did me.
Again we shared this special time that would forever be something I could never have again.
I got up and moved to the bathroom to take a shower. I had to do something to turn off the tingles I felt radiating through my body from his touch.
He was all over me. There wasn’t a single centimeter of my body untouched by him. Inside my womb it felt like a hot layer coating me as the aftershocks subsided. I needed him washed away.
Even as part of me wished he was still here with me, I knew I needed to get some emotional distance from him. That was the crazy part. There was this piece of me that desired his hold, his comfort. While the logical part of me knew it would never work.
Javier Almanza and I had no future. The past we shared was tainted and cursed. In these fleeting moments, though, I couldn’t help but wish for more.
It was ridiculous that I could be so mixed up with him. How could I want him and hate him in the very same breath? Certainly, I was losing my mind.
I showered and then sat on the bed. An hour or so had passed since Javi and I had sex and I was still a mess in my head.
In the nightstand I had found a thin brown covered journal the day of Yesnia’s mass. I hadn’t touched it but knew it was there. It reminded me of the composition books Javi used to buy me when I was a teen. Luciana had always written her thoughts and feelings in her journal. I remember after she left casually telling Javi that I often wondered what Luciana had shared in her pages. Not long after, the composition books started showing up under my pillow.
I hadn’t expressed myself since her death. Honestly, I hadn’t written to myself since I left with Maricio so many years ago.
Pulling out the notebook and pen, I sat for a moment. Then the feelings flooded me.
My dearest Yesnia,
All feels lost without you. It’s only been a few weeks but in my heart it’s been an eternity since I have heard your beautiful voice.
My hija, I don’t know how to do this life without you.
I think of you and all the dreams for the future. I think of how things were supposed to be and not how they ended up.
If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done so many things differently.
In Heaven, you now know all the truths instead of the many lies Maricio and I told you about our childhood.
If there was some way to go back, I wouldn’t have left with Maricio that day. I would have yelled, screamed, ran. I would have done something to wake Estella.
To see Estella at your Mass. Oh hija, she broke into a million pieces. It was my fault, too. It was on me that she never once held your hand or saw your smile.
I did so much wrong, Yesnia.
All the times I didn’t have patience with you. They play over and over again. I should have taken the moment to step back and remember this would pass all too soon.
If I could go back, I would have held your hand a little tighter, hugged you more often, and told you I loved you one more time. If I could go back, I would have taken more risks.
I should have found a way for you. I should have found a way for us to be free. I never should have gotten comfortable with Maricio. I never should have trusted him.<
br />
He was not family.
Your dad, oh Yesnia, I have taken so much from both of you. He would have been so loving, so patient. He would have been so amazing with you. His eyes, they are full of pain now. A pain I know better than anyone because I feel it too.
Are you what connects us now?
I don’t know.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know who I am without you. From the moment you began your life inside my womb, I was your mom. My entire identity was wrapped up in you and now you’re gone.
Javi said we’re leaving. He knows where to find Maricio. I hope that we find justice for you soon, hija. It’s all I have left to exist for.
Apologetically yours,
Mom
I sat back on the bed while the ink dried to the paper. My heart hurt. My soul yearned for something I could never have again.
Javier entered the room with a suitcase. I closed the brown notebook and looked up to him.
“Good to see Carla left you the journal.”
I nodded. “Thank you. I didn’t realize I needed an outlet.”
“You used to scribble away on those dollar books before. I thought it would be a way to process things for you.” He moved to me. “I don’t know what comes next.”
“Neither do I,” I responded honestly.
“One day at a time. We leave tonight and make our way to the last update I have on Maricio.”
I nodded as I slid off the bed to stand in front of him.
“I’m no good with you and I’m fucked up without you.” Javi spoke directly to me, his one eye locking to mine.
“If I could go back in time, I would have fought harder against him. I was so young and so lost. He told me you were ordered to marry me, that everything we shared was a set up.”
Javier growled his frustration. “Mari, have I ever been a man to be forced into anything? Yes, I was given a choice. I could be the one to step up and give you my name and my cloak of protection or Paco would. There wasn’t even a second thought because I already knew what I wanted. So, I won’t lie to you and say Miguel Silvia had you on his radar for his cartel long ago, but I also won’t say that I was forced into it. I asked for them to give me time so we could build something real. That’s what I wanted with you.”
Cartel Queen Page 7
