by JA Huss
“Yes,” she says, still no emotion.
“That yes is permission.”
I wait to see if she will object, and in truth, a part of me wants her to. I want her to knee me in the balls. Scratch my eyes out. Spit in my face. I want her to fight.
Because if she did all those things, I might stop. It might be enough to stop me.
But again, she’s compliant when I want resistance.
And then she takes it one step further. She covers the distance between us with a kiss.
My hand leaves her hair and I find her throat again. Because we’re on. “Let me explain what the hard fuck is, Sydney. OK?” I growl it into her mouth, because she’s still kissing me. “It means I will push you beyond all your limits. I will make you cry tears and writhe in pain and pleasure at the same time. I’m gonna make that fuck so hard you’ll weep. But you will beg me to keep going. I will make your body sore, your muscles shudder, and your mind exhausted. I’m gonna take you, Sydney Channing. I’m gonna take you and once I do, I’m never gonna give you back.”
“Take me,” she whispers back. Her warm breath intertwines with mine, making us intimate for a moment.
But only for a moment. Because I push her to her knees, fist her hair, and drag her face towards my cock.
Chapter Seventeen - Merc
“They walk that line between angel and demon, and they use it against me too.” – Case
She looks up at me, her warm breath already heating up the denim of my jeans. Her eyes are watery, like she wants to cry.
I want her to cry. I want to make her sob. I want to stuff my dick down her throat and watch the tears run down her face.
I kneel down, pushing her off balance and making her tip back a little. She reaches out, grasping the fabric of my jeans to steady herself. I grab her face and grip it firmly, squeezing her cheeks. “There’s something wrong with you.”
“It’s your fault.”
“What?” I look from one eye to the other, trying to see what’s right in front of me, but failing utterly. “How do you figure that?”
“You left me there. My father hired you to—”
I push hard and she careens backwards onto the floor. She lets off a grunt and then turns over on her side, pulling her knees up to her chest. “Just do whatever you’re going to do. I don’t care anymore.”
“Do you have any idea what’s going on?” I walk across the room and then pace back, stopping with the tip of my boot so close to her lips, it might be touching. “Any idea who you are? What you are?”
She says nothing. Her eyes are open, but she’s checked out.
“What happens when he says that word—”
“Just fuck me.”
“You’re a virgin,” I sneer. “Remember?”
She pushes herself up with one hand, straining her neck to look me in the eye. “I am. But you don’t deserve to know the story, Case. You don’t deserve to know what that word does. You don’t deserve to know anything. But if you want to be the first to fuck my pussy, then whatever. Take it. Take whatever you want. You’re gonna anyway.”
My mind whirls with the only important detail in that statement. “You really expect me to believe that he only ever fucked you in the ass?”
“You said you were watching me. You should know.” She’s on her feet in an instant, her fist coming at me. She connects with my cheek. Hard.
But not hard enough. I grab her arm and drag her back over to the wall. And this time, I don’t ask her to hold on. I tie the bitch up. I clamp the cuffs on her wrists and tighten the chain until her arms are above her head. Her feet are still kicking and she’s calling me every name in the book. I take a few blows and a knee to my chest as I grab an ankle and attach the shackle. She’s still got one foot free when she stops the fight.
She seethes with hate and anger. Her breath is rushing out. Her hair is covering her face, blowing out a little with each exhale. “Do it,” she growls. “Take whatever you want, you stupid coward. My father hired you to save me! And you left me there!”
“I thought that was the best thing that ever happened to you?” I clamp the second shackle on her ankle and look up at her. Caught. “I thought he was your dream guy. I thought—”
She spits on me. It lands on my forehead.
“You’re gonna regret that.”
“I don’t think so,” she says, her words low and her tone gruff, like she’s exhausted. “I’m not gonna do it, Case. I’m not gonna do any of it anymore. I’m gonna piss you off so much you’ll have no choice but to kill me.”
“I can torture you, ya stupid bitch.”
And then she laughs. “No, you can’t.” She laughs again, louder this time. Wilder. Like she’s losing touch with reality. “You can’t torture me, Case. I’ve been through anything you can think up and more.” She sneers at me. “And I have a secret. I have lots of secrets, actually. But this one takes away all your power.”
I know what she’s gonna say before she does and I stand up quickly, trying to cover her mouth with my hand. But it slips by me.
“Hush,” she says. “All I gotta do is tell myself to hush and no one can hurt me.” She looks up, through the strands of hair that are still wet from the bath and probably soaking up the sweat that is running down her face, even though this room can’t be anywhere near warm, let alone hot.
“You’re a sick bitch.”
“Says one psycho to the next.”
I grab her throat. “Let’s pick up where we left off and see if we can’t tip the scales in my favor.”
“It’s your party, Case. I’m just along for the ride.” Her eyes blaze with expectations. “Fuck me. See how far it gets you. The hard fuck, you say? That’s what you think will teach me a lesson? You think the hard fuck is something new for me? Ha!” She laughs again. The crazy laugh. The laugh that says, We’re done here.
I step back. The soles of my bare feet are cold on the concrete floor as I walk away. When I get to the fire I turn my back to it, letting what little is left warm me up. “I think you’ve misunderstand what the hard fuck is.”
“I’m gonna make you weep, Sydney,” she says in a fake voice. “I’m gonna make that fuck so hard you’ll weep. Well, I’m not sure why this is a newsflash, since you said you’ve been watching, but newsflash, asshole—I always weep.” She spits in my direction, but I’m too far away to hit this time. “Your game is old. Your methods are tired. Your knowledge is lacking.”
She’s like a little demon chained to a wall. That’s how she looks right now.
“You want me to tell you what I know?” She pauses, but I don’t say anything. This is not going at all how I planned it. “I know what you’re looking for. I know where Garrett is. But it’s locked up in that place I keep all my secrets. The dark place. Take me there, Merc. Meet me there in the dark and I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”
Her use of my trade name brings me back to my senses. She’s a small girl chained to a wall. I’m a six-foot-something assassin. One of the best in the world. She’s proud to be able to take the violence. I’m proud about how I dish it out. But what she’s saying is the rambling of someone who has lost touch. I’m not sure anything I get will be reliable. “How?”
“Drugs,” she says, her voice suddenly soft.
I walk forward until I get right up next to her naked body. “Been there, done that, cowgirl. We’re gonna try something different this time.” I lean in and kiss her. Her teeth are there as she tries to bite me. But I calmly hold her head with both hands and force her nose to bump against mine. “I’ll meet you in the dark. But we’re gonna get there my way this time.”
“Those other ways?” she questions back, her voice still soft. Even her breathing is soft. “Those were my ways?” That makes her turn so she has space to laugh. “I’m pretty sure you’ve been driving this car, Merc. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the one pushing drugs in me for the past few days.”
“Weeks,” I correct her. And it works, because t
hat revelation throws her.
“You’re lying. It’s only been a few days.”
“Versed, sweetie.” I lean down and kiss her. This time she holds still for it, but she doesn’t respond. “It’s a drug. Versed makes it all go away. I’ve had you for two weeks. Your man, Brett, he never even looked for you. You’ve got no one who cares, Sydney. So be a good girl and tell me what you know. Then I’ll drug you again. Walk out of here. And never look back. And when you wake up you’ll find all the gear you need to start over. How’s that for a deal?”
“You lie.”
“Or we can do the hard fuck first.” I smile at that. And then I dip my fingers between her legs and push one against her entrance. She’s slightly wet. “You want me to relieve you of that pesky v-card? I’m pretty sure Garrett fucked your pussy. I never saw it, just the assplay. But he’s not the kind of guy who saves shit for later.”
“Until he is,” she quips back. “He has patience you’d never understand.”
“Sticking up for him again?” I smile. Because her leverage over me is gone now. “Hmmm? He’s still your guy? The man in your dreams? Taking you fishing? Giving your code words to trigger your brainwashing? I bet he fucked you plenty of times while you were under. Right?”
She stares up at me, squinting. “Kill me. Just do it. Kill me and let me go.”
I push my leg forward until my thigh rests against her pussy and press my chest against her breasts. “I plan on it, Syd. Just not the way you want me to. Because the hard fuck, wildcat, isn’t hard because I pound the shit out of women and choke them unconscious. That’s someone else’s version. My version is hard because you have to beg for it.”
She spits again, this time hitting me on the mouth.
I kiss her and give it back. She catches my lip this time, biting down hard, drawing blood. But I just push her off me and smile. “I like the taste of blood, Syd. Haven’t you figured that out yet? You don’t call yourself a killer and not like the taste of blood. It turns me on, bitch. Now beg for it.”
“Fuck you.”
“Oh, I’m certainly gonna fuck you. But you’re gonna beg for it. And you’re gonna tell me what I want to know. Because I’m gonna retrain you, Sydney. I’m gonna retrain that fucked-up mind of yours.” I tap her on the head a few times to illustrate my point. “I’m gonna reprogram you. Take you down into that dark place you love so much and turn the fucking lights on.”
Chapter Eighteen - Sydney
“Sometimes it’s the thing you’ve been running from that can help the most.” – Sydney
I close my eyes so he can’t see me, but his mouth is back on mine, his tongue searching for the things I’m hiding. He knows where to find them, too. I know he does. Of all the secrets I’m keeping, that’s the only one I need to keep. I need to do whatever it takes to keep that secret.
“I can find Garrett,” I say. “I can find him. Just tell me to hush. Tell me to hush and start asking questions.”
“No,” Case says sternly, but in a low voice. “It’s a lie, Sydney. He’s pumped you up with so much misinformation you have no idea what’s real. But every trigger has a release. And that’s the first thing I need from you. Once I get the release, we can try this all again. You know the release, Sydney. You’ve heard it many times. All I need is for you to remember. And if you tell me what that word is, I’ll back off. I’ll let you keep that dark place. Feel free to go there for an extended visit. Hell, never come back for all I care. How’s that for a deal?”
My mind is whirling. I might even black out, because the next thing I know Case has me wrapped up in his arms. Holding me tight. His fingers are between my legs, gently stroking up and down. They push inside me, then draw back. He kisses me. So, so softly. His lips cover my mouth, then retreat, and enter again. My tongue reaches for him. We tangle together like that for a few moments until he pulls away, his hands cupping my face. I suck in a breath, trying to make sense of things.
“What’s the word, Sydney? What’s the word Garrett uses to bring you out of it?”
I open my eyes and stare up at Case’s face. His fingers are back inside me, easing in and out, his thumb strumming my clit like it’s an instrument. It feels so fucking good. His other hand goes to his belt. A few jingles later I’m released, his pants are open, and he’s got my palm over his hard cock.
I squeeze it…
I’m in my bedroom sitting on the edge of the bed. Garrett is looking at my stuffed animals. “You’re too young to be a cat lady, Syd.”
I laugh a little and stretch my legs out.
“You must have two dozen of them.”
“So I like cats,” I quip back. “Sue me.”
He stands in front of me and takes my face in his hands. I look up at him with complete trust. “I like dogs.” I just blink at him. “They’re loyal. They’re obedient. And they don’t judge me.”
“I don’t judge you, Garrett.”
“I know, Syd. You’re a dog, baby. You’re a dog if there ever was one.” He pets my hair. “You’re good, and loyal, and soft.”
My knees hit the hard concrete floor, my hands on Case’s hips. The tip of his cock slips between my lips and I swallow.
He moans, his hand fisting my hair.
My tongue begins, my palms working their magic as I suck him off, twisting their way up and down his thick shaft.
“Way too many cats in here,” Garrett says, pointing to the shirt I’m wearing.
“It’s a football jersey,” I explain, eager for his touch and focus to remain totally on me. But he’s staring at the cartoon picture of a wildcat on my jersey.
“Wildcats?” He says it like a question.
Case pulls his dick out and pumps it hard a few times. I open my mouth and stick out my tongue, my eyes only on him. He shoots his come on my face, squirting me in the eye, making me blink. It’s warm and maybe a little comforting as it settles on my cheek.
“No,” I tell Garrett. “That’s not it. Try again.”
He smiles at me from above, both hands cupping my face again. “What is it, Syd?”
I smile back, a warm feeling taking over my body. And then I tell him.
“Bobcat?” Case asks, still breathing hard from his release. I look at the floor. Case puts himself back together. “That’s it? Bobcat?”
I hang my head and feel the tears slip out. I am ashamed for the things I’ve done. I am ashamed for the things I do. I am nothing but shame.
Case walks out of the room, leaving me there on the floor. I look up at the table where he said he killed my father, and then over to the fire. Everything about me is cold. So I crawl over to the fire and lie down on the stone hearth.
I watch those flames and they remind me of my life. Rising, falling, some sparks here and there. Warm.
Not this life, though. That life. The one where this girl named Syd lives in that pretty teenage bedroom. And all the cats are dogs now.
I don’t know how long I stay this way, living half in my dream and half in my nightmare. But the door remains open. Case never bothered to lock it when he left. There’s lights on out there too. Some of it leaks into my cell.
I don’t move. Not even a little bit. He might not even be here. He might’ve left already. Got whatever it was he needed and left.
I fall asleep wondering which is more real. Which one holds more promise. Which place holds my escape.
“Sydney?”
He calls me Sydney. This is how I know it’s the nightmare and not the dream.
“Sydney? Are you hungry?”
I have never felt less hungry than right at this very moment. I reach up to scratch an itch on my face and realize it’s his dried come.
I close my eyes again after that. I prefer the dream Garrett to the real-life Case.
Sometime later he comes back. Again with my name. Only this time when I don’t answer, he lifts me up in his arms and takes me to the bathroom and places me on the counter.
I’m not asleep. I have doubts that an
y of that was sleep. So I just watch him as he wets a towel and starts cleaning my face. I don’t say anything, but he talks here and there as he works.
“It’s a good start,” he says once. Then, “We won’t need any more drugs. So you’ll feel better soon.”
What did he have me on? I think I remember Versed. But I’ve been given drugs my whole life. Whatever this is, it wipes my world. Versed doesn’t wipe a world away.
“I’d like to keep taking the drugs, if you don’t mind.”
I think my voice startles him. He stops his washing, but he doesn’t answer.
It doesn’t matter. The answer is no. Whatever I want, they give me the opposite. Sydney wants a mother? They give her a father. Sydney wants a boyfriend? They give her a monster. Sydney wants to go to college? They give her a bar.
The only good thing they ever gave me was that bar. And even though I didn’t want it at the time, it was a nice prize.
I like to work long hours. I hate going home. And once Garrett disappeared, there was always a fear that one night I’d go home and he’d be back.
And then Brett came. And we fit together like we were made for each other. Like two pieces to the same puzzle. His light to my dark. His easy smile to my tight scowl. His muscular upper body to my soft breasts. He was perfection.
Why did I leave the lodge that night? I could be married now. I could be living back in Cheyenne in the house he has. No more sleeping above the bar in the office because I was afraid to go home. I could be sleeping next to him right now.
I want to cry.
I want to cry so bad.
“We can try the truth instead.”
I don’t know how Case can read my mind like that.
“After he disappeared, how many times did Garrett meet you in the apartment you shared?”
