by JA Huss
And I do not deserve it.
“I saved you that night because I killed that little girl.” I nod at her, but she says nothing. “And I thought I could wipe that sin away, ya know? But all I did was make it worse for someone else. Sydney was caught in my guilt and she suffered. I can’t even comprehend what she’s thinking right now. The level of betrayal she must feel.”
Sasha walks over and places a hand on my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze of support. “You know what?”
I take a deep breath and ask, “What?”
“I think you made a mistake when you chose me.”
“Fuck that.”
“Because I’ve never needed saving, Merc. Never. I was always gonna get away that night. I knew they were coming for me and I was ready. Maybe I was only twelve, but my father spent every minute of our time together training me to take care of myself. I never needed you that night and she did. And she still needs you, Merc. So I think you just need to admit you should’ve done it different and forgive yourself for it.”
I don’t know what to say back to her. How can I admit that choosing her was wrong? “That decision seemed so easy at the time, Sash. How did I manage to fuck it all up? Would letting Garrett take that first little girl have made Sydney’s life better or worse? There’s just no way to know. And I guess that’s what the hard choices really are. Leaps of faith that you’re doing the right thing. Leaps of faith that you’re doing enough.”
When I look up at her she’s frowning. “You did your best, Merc. No one is judging you for that choice but you.”
“And Sydney.”
“No,” Sasha says. “She’s mad, she feels betrayed. But she’s not judging you. How can she say her life is worth more than mine? I’m certainly not saying my life is worth more than hers. But she can’t judge you, Merc. Because she knows that given a choice like that, she couldn’t be trusted to make the right one either. She can’t even make the right choices for herself, let alone three other people.”
It stings that Sasha includes that first little girl in this equation. Maybe killing her wasn’t the answer after all. Maybe my whole life is a lie I’ve been telling myself.
“No one knows. You just do what you can and hope you did enough,” she continues.
“I didn’t do enough. I know that now. I could’ve gone back for her. I had opportunities. And I didn’t. I let my lust for revenge take over my life. And so here I am. The noble choice I thought I made is just another sin in my long, long list of unforgivable acts.
Sasha sighs. “Sometimes, Merc, things are just unwinnable. You have to accept it like the rest of us little people.”
I shoot her a look.
“Or,” she smiles. “You suck in your pride and take it back.” She squeezes my shoulder one more time. “And then make up for it.”
I look up at her and wonder how to admit I made the wrong choice? Because all her stackable moments add up to this smart, strong, beautiful woman. And if I had left her to fend for herself that night, where would she be now? “It’s unwinnable, I guess.”
“Hey, Merc?”
I stare at her. “What?”
“If you don’t think you did your best you still have time, you know. You’re a genius. Go do something genuine.” And then she walks away and leaves me there.
Chapter Forty-Two - Sydney
“When you’ve done all you can, you’ve done your best. No one has a right to ask for more.” Sydney
Brett is sleeping when I let myself into his house and make my way to his room. It’s a nice house, for Cheyenne, anyway. He’s got about fifty acres, which sits idle. Just blah grassland surrounding his home. Not many trees, but there’s a big pond on the property, and that gives it some much-needed character.
It’s too big for one guy, too. Four bedrooms, full walk-out basement, plus a finished attic. But if you have a large family, it’s perfect.
I wish I could say that’s why I was here. To get back to my old life and have that wedding I missed. But I can’t.
I press the FN Five-SeveN into his temple and whisper, “Move, asshole. Give me a reason to blow it off.” I really want him to give me a reason. I really want to picture Case’s face as I do it.
Brett opens his eyes, startled enough to try to sit up before he realizes what’s happening. “Sydney?” He really does look confused.
But I know better now. It was a long drive home. I can’t even count how many times I had to stop on the side of some desolate dirt road just to scream the demons out of my fucked-up mind. Took me two days to get here because of it.
“Why all girls, Brett?”
“What?” He laughs a little so I press the gun against his temple a little harder. “Sydney, what are you doing?”
“Those nieces of yours. Why all girls?”
“I don’t know—”
I slam the butt of the gun down on his face so hard his teeth crack. He sits up, reaching for my weapon, but I shoot him in the shoulder. The suppressor on the end of my barrel lets off a soft supersonic crack that sounds more like a harmless firecracker than a gun.
But it does the job and blood splatter is everywhere. Brett rolls with the force of the high-velocity cartridge and he ends up face down on the bed.
I wish I had time for a lengthy conversation—I’d like to get some answers. Maybe an apology. Or even a pathetic justification. We’re saving the world, Sydney. I wish I had time for that, because maybe I’d feel better about the evil people do in the name of the Company.
But I don’t have time for that. I feel sick and I just want to leave. Plus the back of his head is too much of an invitation to let it pass.
Assassination-style is how Brett enters the darkness.
My heart doesn’t even beat fast over this kill. Not one bit. Because he deserves it.
The many stops on the side of the road came with memories. More proof that my life is just one long lie.
The sisters up at the lodge? Not sisters. Wives.
Those adorable tow-headed baby girls? Future collateral damage.
My wedding to Brett? An promise made years ago by my father.
Garrett knew, which was why he bowed out of the ‘relationship’ we had and disappeared. Oh, the brainwashing continued. I was too volatile to leave to my own devices. But over time, I stopped resisting with the help of drugs. Brett made sure I kept those up while we were officially together.
When all this hit me on the way home, I thought there was no way I could change any of it. I was still reeling from the lies and betrayal. Still filled with self-loathing and shame. And maybe this doesn’t change anything? Maybe those wives of his really are on board with what they’re doing? I have no way of knowing.
But taking this man’s life has to change things in some way. Even if it’s a small way. Maybe it makes those little girls’ lives better. Maybe not. But knowing Brett met his end gives me peace. At least I tried. I can’t kill their mothers and live with myself. I’m not Case. So I settle with erasing Brett’s influence over them.
It’ll have to do, because it’s all I’ve got.
I did my best.
Chapter Forty-Three - Sydney
“Revenge is never sweet if it’s justified.” – Sydney
The drive home fills me with more dread than I expected. Everything about it is lies. I just… I just can’t face it.
But I’ve been missing for weeks. On the road for days. And I need to stop running right now. I need to face facts. I need to pick myself up and figure out a plan. I need to figure out how the person I thought I was and the person I really am can come to terms.
My escape fantasy life is gone. I didn’t even mean for it to happen. I guess reality has consequences. But it’s hard. I feel so alone.
I drive down the quiet Cheyenne street in Old Town. When I get to my building, I park in the alley behind the bar, planning on sleeping in the truck before I try to figure out what to do. But if I’m going to leave and find my own way in this world, I’d like to t
ake one more look at the only thing that ever gave me pleasure.
I get out and remember that I have no keys. The building is a hundred and twenty years old though. Not all the windows lock properly. I don’t need keys.
I climb the fire escape up to the second floor and shimmy through the office window. The sun is just coming up, so a little light seeps in when I push the curtains aside.
Looks the same as ever. My desk is a mess of bills and delivery receipts. The walls are decorated with pictures of various ribbon-winning 4-H livestock that I’ve purchased at the state fair auction over the years. Boxes of unopened liquor bottles are stacked in one corner. My coats are hanging on wall hooks near the door. There’s a nice layer of dust covering everything too. I think I love that the most. It makes me feel better that Brett didn’t come in here after I was gone. It makes me feel like he never cared about this place like I did, like it really did belong to me and only me.
That’s something, I guess. Not much, but something.
I make my way downstairs and head over to the cash register. I know it’s empty, but a girl can hope. I don’t dare take any money out of my bank account. I did, after all, just kill Brett Setton. Some precautions are in order. It makes me feel like I’m making an effort to live through this and not give up.
There’s not many windows in the bar. And the ones it does have are all high up and small. Like basement windows. But there’s enough light to see. The bar is clean and the chairs are stacked on top of the tables. Like it would look any morning. Like all that shit never happened and this is just another day.
But it’s not. It’s my last day as Sydney Channing. I don’t want to be her anymore.
I press the buttons on the cash register to make the drawer pop open and then stare down at it for a few seconds before I can come to terms with what I’m seeing.
Stacks upon stacks of twenty-dollar bills. All neatly tied together with one of those paper ribbons the bank puts on them.
“I figured you could use it.”
I turn to a dark corner where the quiet voice came from. Merc is sitting in the shadows, his face hidden until he leans forward and a beam of dim sunshine decides to give him up. He hasn’t shaved. There’s a weathered cowboy hat on the table, his arms are stretched around it, and his hands are folded out in front. He looks as tired and sad as I feel.
“I don’t need you,” I say.
“I know that.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I need you.”
I back away from him, even though he hasn’t moved and he’s all the way across the room, until I bump up against the liquor cabinet. “Get out.”
“I will,” he says, standing up but not taking a step forward. “But I deserve a chance to tell the story my way. If you want me to leave, leave knowing why I really did all those things. Not because you’ve conjured up some story in your head.”
“Oh my God.” I laugh a little. “I might not know everything, but there are a few indisputable facts that can’t be ignored about you, Merc.”
He squints his amber eyes at the name. “Don’t call me that.”
“Why not? That’s who you are, remember? The man you made yourself into. Own it, Merc. You’re a killer. You’re a liar. And you use girls to do your dirty work. Just like Garrett did. So stop with your holier-than-thou attitude and just own it.”
He shrugs, but looks away for a moment. Doubts, that’s what that look says. “I deserve that. But if you’ve got me on a timer, I’d like to have my say before you verbally punch me in the face and tell me to get out.”
His hands are folded in front of him now. He’s standing still and tall as he waits for my answer.
I throw my hands up. “Talk then.”
He clears his throat and lifts his chin up. Steadying himself for something.
It makes more nervous than I’d like to admit. What will this monster tell me next? What bad news does he have to deliver now?
“I take it back, Sydney. Leaving you behind like that. I made a mistake—”
“Fuck. You.” I feel the tears well up in my eyes. “After all that shit you talked to me? You think I’m going to let you walk into my fucking bar and fill me up with more of your lies? Fuck you.”
He stands silent.
“You fucked up.”
“I know.”
“You never chose me, Merc. You never put me first. You only helped me to help yourself. When I said I hated you, I meant it. My verbal fist just punched your time clock. Get the fuck out.”
He lets off a huff of air and nods. “OK.” And then he grabs his hat and walks around the table towards me. I have a moment of panic that he will both come towards me and leave for good. But he doesn’t do either. He stops about fifteen feet from me, in the middle of the room, pretty much.
“That word, though, Syd? Hush? I gave you that word the summer after I left you. I’d already started watching you. I saw some things that Garrett was doing. I didn’t know about the brainwashing. I swear I didn’t know. Not until I got you out to the cabin. That’s when I figured it out, and the whole hush thing, it was just…” He hesitates. “Fate, I think. I mean, I felt a lot of guilt about leaving you, believe it or not. But my decision to save Sasha had nothing to do with you being unworthy. I need you to know that.” He shakes his head. “You were never unworthy, I was. I never should’ve left you there. I fucked it up, Sydney. I fucked your whole life up. And I take it back. I’d do it different if I could.”
I am speechless. But I’m not sure why.
“I gave you that hush word when I saw you crying once. You weren’t even seventeen yet. Garrett left you in an apartment you shared out on Bowling Street—”
I picture that place in my head. He was there?
“—and so I felt like it might make things better for you. You know, if you could talk yourself out of being afraid—”
“It was you in my head.”
He shrugs with his hands, his knuckles white from clutching his hat. “I don’t think so, Sydney. I mean, maybe it started that way because I was messing with your mind with the hush. But I think that in your head was all you. It wasn’t me getting you through the hard times or teaching you how to survive. You knew what to do, and you came up with a coping mechanism to get you through. I didn’t try and make you love me using that word. I only wanted to ease your pain. The pain I caused by leaving you behind.”
I mull this over. But I’m still too confused. I’m so far away from figuring that shit out.
He clears his throat again. “And I don’t know what you think I was doing that last time I drugged you, but I wasn’t trying to kill you. I knew you were about to give up the answer I needed and I just didn’t want you involved when I faced Garrett. I didn’t plan on you coming out there…”
“Obviously,” she snorts. “You counted on me being helpless.”
“… I just wanted you to be far away from that final moment. And I failed at that too. I didn’t save you when you were sixteen and I didn’t save you the other day. I made you save yourself both times. I’m sorry for not being there. I’m sorry I fucked it all up. So I’ll leave, but I left more than just cash in that drawer. If you ever want to see me again, you have a way.”
And then he puts his hat on and walks towards the back room. He stops just before he passes through into the dark hallway, but he doesn’t turn. “Can I ask you one thing? And you can tell me the truth, no matter what.”
I swallow down so many things I want to say right now. I want to stop him from leaving. I want to scream at him for leaving me when I was counting on him to save me. I want to run away and run into his arms at the same time.
“Are you looking for the hard truth or the soft truth?”
I mean it as a joke, but he looks over his shoulder at me and I can tell I just cut him deep. But he recovers and turns his body a little to answer me. “Both. If you have time.”
“Shoot.”
“Would you still have wanted
me if I did save you?”
“What?”
“You know. If you hadn’t made me out to be some hero and lived for the day that I came back to kill you. If I never gave you the hush. If none of this ever happened and we didn’t spend those weeks together the way we did. Would you still have wanted me?”
I think about this for a moment, and I have the hard truth on the tip of my tongue. But he came here and put himself out there. Took it back. And I made him a promise of sorts, back at his house in the mountains. I told him all he had to do was say it and I’d believe him. He could’ve said it then and he didn’t. But people can change.
I give him the soft truth instead. Because I can change too. It’s my only hope and I’m gonna hold on to it. So I walk over to him and take his hand. And then I lean up on my tiptoes and plant a kiss on his cheek. “No,” I whisper softly.
He drops my hand and walks out.
Chapter Forty-Four - Sydney
“Judge a man by how he treats his children.” – Sydney
For some reason my little act of revenge doesn’t feel as sweet as I thought it would, and the emptiness he leaves behind—both in the bar and in my heart—is overwhelming. Maybe I really did love him? Maybe he does have feelings for me? But how in the hell am I supposed to sort that out now?
It’s unwinnable. I cannot win. If I trust his word right now and I’m wrong? Then what? How many pieces will I break into then?
But if I let him walk away and he really is sorry. If he is the man I truly love and I don’t at least try to find my way through these feelings of betrayal… how many years of regret and sadness will come from making the wrong decision because I’m scared?
I sit in the chair at the table where he waited for me to come back. I have no idea how long he waited here. It could’ve been days for all I know. It took me long enough to get home.
And after I wallow in sadness I brought on myself for what seems like hours, I remember that he said he left me something besides money in the cash register. So I get my ass up and walk back behind the bar. I take out all the stacks of twenties and count it up in my head as I go. Twenty-five thousand dollars.
