by JA Huss
“Did you have a home like that, Sasha?”
I nod, once again before I realize I’m doing it. “My grandparents’ ranch. My father’s family raised cattle in northern Wyoming. They had a huge place. Thousands of acres. They ranched that land for over a hundred years.”
“And the Company blew it up.”
I look Jax in the eye and make a decision. I need this man to understand what it is I’m doing here with him. I need him to know who and what I am before he tries something he will regret. Something that will make me react on instinct.
And because he told me something real, I decide to reciprocate. “I had just turned thirteen. Lost my father less than a month before on Christmas Eve. I went from little girl to child assassin in the span of a few weeks. I killed four men the night they came. I was waiting for them.” I let out a long sigh. “Looking back, I was always waiting for them.”
“It must’ve been devastating.”
“It wasn’t, though. I mean…” I look down at my hands in my lap. The way I said it sounds so cold. “I mean, it was. Losing my father was the worst. I cried for weeks. But Ford came—” I have to stop and collect myself for a minute. I will not cry in front of this stranger. I refuse to let him break down the walls I’ve been building brick by brick for a decade. “I had met Ford the day before and he came to see me on Christmas Day. And he helped me.” I look Jax in the eyes, in control again. “So when they came to kill me a second time, they got my grandparents. I didn’t have enough training to save them. Just myself. I got out of the house by jumping out the second-story window into a snow drift and hid in the hills with a rifle. I got three of them from a distance. And the last one thought he’d get away, but I was in the back of his pickup as he drove off and I shot him in the head through the cab window.”
He doesn’t flinch. Even James flinched when I told him this story. “It must’ve rocked your world to kill at such a young age.”
I shake my head. “No. It made me hard and calculating. The window shattered and bits of glass, and blood, and bone got stuck in my hair. And I refused to wash it for days as I waited for Merc to come find me. I wanted all that debris to remind me of the stakes. Of the harsh reality I was living in. It felt good, Jax. It made me feel powerful. And you can think I’m sick all you want for naming that psycho they call Merc as a true friend. But he is. And if that makes me sick, then I’m sick, I guess. My love for him took root when he picked me up on the hills outside my family ranch and took me in. Promised to make it right for me. And then I met James. And we went and found Harper. And the rest is history, isn’t it? We crippled a global organization. Set them back years. They haven’t yet fully recovered from that blow. But they will, Jax. They will recover. They are too big to take out all at once. So those assassins you look at with contempt are the people who would die for me when that happens. I’m sure you have a story to tell about your childhood, Jax. Everyone has one. But no one on this planet can understand my past except those three people. I won’t help you get them, if that’s what you’re after. I won’t help you get Nick, either.”
“Because he was your promise?”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “If you think you know what that term means, then you are a Company kid. And if you’re a Company kid, you had better tell me now, or you will wake up with my knife slashing your throat.”
He doesn’t shoot me one of those disarming smiles or chuckle under his breath, like I’m so cute. He nods like a professional doing business. “I’m not a Company kid, Sasha. But I know a few. And that’s why I’m taking you to see your aunt before I let the FBI know I have you.”
“I’m going to make this very clear, Special Agent Jax Barlow. You have no idea what it means to be a Company kid. None. I don’t care how many people you talk to, you can never, ever understand what it means unless you go through it. I barely know the horror of that title, and I grew up in that world. I’ve seen things, experienced things—things you can’t even begin to imagine. So if you ever say it so casually again, I will end this association. And just so we’re both on the same page, a Company assassin does that one way.”
“You’ll kill me?” he asks, as serious as I am. “For uttering words?”
“They aren’t words. They’re threats. You think you know me?” I stare hard at him as he tries to ease back by taking another sip of his drink. “You want Sasha Cherlin? You want that child killer back as a means to your end? Well, you’ve got her full attention. You have no idea how ruthless I can be, and if you cross me, I will not hesitate and I will not miss.”
He sets his glass down with a clink of ice and leans back in his seat, trying to feign relaxation. “Well, Miss Aston, thank you for your honesty. Point taken. And now that we both agree who you were, maybe we can try to figure out who you actually are.”
Chapter Fifteen - Jax
I take a deep breath as Sasha smiles thinly at Essie as her plate of lobster tail is set down before her. “Thanks, Essie,” I say. “It looks fabulous, as usual.”
She bows her head and retreats, pulling the burl wood pocket doors closed as she exits the main cabin.
Sasha is already poking her food with her fork. Trying to calm down, I suspect.
That was a moment I didn’t expect. I mean, I was trying my hardest to get her to bare her soul to me, but I hadn’t counted on the venom that came out with her threat.
She’s wrong though. I do know what it means to be a Company kid. Maybe not as intimately as she does, but I know more than most. I’ve seen the way they deliver their misplaced justice. I’ve been on the receiving end of an attack. I’ve lived with the horror they leave in their wake.
I know a little.
Maybe not enough, though, my inner voice counters.
And I have to agree with that voice. I need to stay alert with Sasha until we are both working towards the same goal. Because I do not need another Company assassin as my enemy right now.
“Are you excited to see your aunt, Sasha?”
“No,” she says, just before taking a bite of her lobster. She chews slowly for a few seconds, and then swallows and takes a sip of her martini. “If I have another living relative, then I’m angry.” She looks me in the eyes and holds my gaze. “Pissed off, actually. Where the fuck has she been?”
“Well,” I say, taking my own bite of food and chewing slowly. I wipe my mouth with my napkin and then take a sip of my drink. “I guess the formalities are gone now? You want to say fuck and threaten to kill me?”
“You have a problem with my language? Ha,” she laughs. “That’s funny. I’m sure you FBI guys are all about manners?”
“I’m just saying I enjoy treating you like a woman. I’d like to continue to treat you that way. But if you want to act like an assassin, I’ll have to change my tactics.”
I get nothing but silence.
“I get it,” I say, trying to delete the edge from my voice. But she’s dangerous. I knew this going in. I just forgot. She was so in control during most of our interactions. She lost a little of that control tonight, and even though that’s my main goal for taking her out, I don’t want to shoot myself in the back, so to speak, by drawing out the instincts the Company honed in her as a child. She is lethal. They are all lethal. “I have a tendency to overstep. I didn’t understand some things. The title, I guess. I’m sorry I upset you. I really do want you to like me and I really did plan all this to try to make that happen.”
“By reminding me my family used me?”
“Is that what you think your aunt has been doing?”
“She left. Just like all the rest. She left me there to figure it out on my own. So when you insult my choice of friends and tell me you know what it means to be me, well, I get offended.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, Sasha. Truly. I thought your aunt would make you happy. I thought you could use a friend like me.”
“What kind of friend are you, Agent Jax? The kind who comes to my house with an ultimatum and calls it a date?”
“OK,” I say, putting my hands up like I surrender. “I admit, I was forward in that respect. But I’m on a deadline. You can understand that after watching you for several months and not getting the least bit of an answer to any of my questions that I might be a little bit desperate to move things forward.”
“Tricking me isn’t the way to do that. Twisting my arm to comply isn’t the way either.”
“So how can I make it better?”
“You can’t.”
She goes back to her meal and ignores my reaction. Which shouldn’t be a surprise—I know how tough these Company people are—but it is. She’s been so soft and careful these past few months. Almost timid. I’ve forgotten who she is.
“You said you wanted to figure out who I am now, like there is a distinction between this girl and the one from my past. But you’re wrong, Jax. This is me. I am her. You will be very disappointed with Sasha Aston if you think she’s different from Sasha Cherlin.”
“OK,” I say, giving in. If this is what she believes, I need to respect that. “But keep an open mind tonight when you meet your aunt. And if you want me to take you home tomorrow and let it all go, I will. Just keep an open mind. I have more to tell you, but I don’t want to go there yet. When I asked for something real, what I should’ve said was something personal.”
“Personal?” she asks, taking another bite of food. At least she’s enjoying the meal. “Like what?”
“Sasha, please.” I smile and she shakes her head at me, telling me not to try to charm her. But I can’t help it. I want to charm her. I want her at ease and smiling. I want her to be happy with me. “Let’s tether the assassin part of you, and unleash the woman.”
“Oh my God, please. If you start using player moves on me again, I might throw up.”
“It’s a not a player move if it’s genuine.”
“It’s not genuine,” she retorts. “You’re using me.”
“I am,” I admit. Because it’s true. “But I’m interested in you as well.” And that’s true too. “Let’s try for a normal first date, how about that?”
“Define normal.”
“You know, favorite things. Vacations you’ve taken. How about your trip to Peru? You were hunting dinosaurs?”
She turns to look at me, but instead of the smile I expected, I get sadness.
“What?” I ask. “What did I do now?”
She goes back to her food. “It’s just surprising that you used that term. Hunting. That’s what my real dad used to call it back when I was a kid. Dinosaur hunters, that’s who we were. We looked for bones all over the West.”
“Sounds fun.”
“It was. Until I realized it was just another way to fly under the radar. I bounced, as you put it. From place to place. Not home to home, because we took our home with us. I grew up in an RV.”
“Oh, well, that’s pretty interesting. Regardless of his motive. He did, after all, manage to keep you safe, train you to fight—”
“Kill, you mean.”
“—and foster a love for ancient bones.” I smile at her, but she doesn’t return it. “I had some good moments in my early life as well. I mean, they pretty much all evaporated at the age of fifteen”—she looks up with interest at that, but I’m not going there yet—”but the younger years had some good times.”
“In foster care?”
“Ah, well. No. I was a bad kid before I got picked up by Barlow. But I had some friends who would do anything for me as well. In a ten-year-old kind of way, at least. We did kid things. Nothing serious. But it was fun to run with them and be tight. Like a gang.”
“When I moved in with Ford, that’s what he gave me. A tight circle of friends. So even though you—”
“I get it Sasha. I misjudged your relationships. I insulted you. I’m sorry. Those people are important to you, so I take it back. I didn’t know it was real.”
She takes a deep breath and lets it out. “OK. Since you’re offering me an olive branch, I’ll accept it.”
“Good. So… you had a bad day at school today?”
“I’m sure your spy told you already.”
I throw up my arms in defeat.
“Sorry,” she says. “Yes, I had a bad day. I was basically kicked out of grad school. I went to take my orals, the last step before being an official PhD candidate, and my advisor told me I wasn’t serious enough about my chosen field of study and needed to take a break to think about things.”
“Are you serious enough about your chosen field of study?”
Another sigh. “I guess not. Maybe you’re right and I’m just passing time? I don’t need money. Sometimes having more money than you need makes people try less. When you’re desperate, you act differently. You work faster, have more original ideas, take things more seriously. So she’s right. I don’t want it bad enough to give it a hundred and ten percent.”
“But you’re still upset about it? Even though you know she was right?”
Sasha nods, but takes a few moments to answer. “I really thought if I did this, life would be better.”
“Better than what?”
“Filled with satisfaction, maybe?” Her tired eyes look up at mine and I know this is the girl I’ve been waiting for. The one who feels. “I am unsatisfied. Like something is missing from my core. And maybe that’s Nick. Maybe that’s what I’m grasping at as I sit here with you turning into the bitch those people created. The child killer. The one who says fuck and threatens to kill people just because she can. It makes me feel ungrateful when I become that girl from my childhood. After all that struggle, I should feel like we won. I got a new family. I had a normal young adult life. I am very, very lucky. And I’m still left wanting more. I have everything I need. You know? I have everything required for happiness, yet it eludes me.”
“Then you don’t have it yet, Sasha. It’s not wrong to be sad for the things they took from you. And I’m sorry that I sprang this aunt thing on you like this. I didn’t know. You seemed so put together.”
“I’m not, though. Am I? And my reaction a few minutes ago just proves it. I’m as lost as I ever was.” She puts her fork down and places her napkin on the table. “Is there a restroom? I need a moment alone, if that’s OK.”
“Sure,” I say, standing up as she does. “In the back of the plane.”
She walks off and I have to force myself not to watch her as she does it. If she needs privacy, I can give her that. God knows, I’ve needed privacy before and no one gave me that courtesy. I’ve been an open book for so long I barely know what it’s like to be alone. The FBI has been watching me since I was fifteen, every move I made scrutinized. They didn’t want me. No one ever wanted me. But Max Barlow blew into my life and changed everything. His family has been with the FBI since its inception in 1908. And when Max Barlow says he wants his son to follow in his footsteps, people take note. Even if that son was adopted out of nowhere.
I suddenly had prospects. I had a future. And this is it. My future. So why do her words filled with want and longing stir me up as much as they did her?
“Essie?” I call.
“Yes, sir?” she answers, sliding the pocket doors open.
“Clear the table and bring us dessert and Tokay.”
“Right away, sir.”
Essie claps her hands and two more attendants appear from the front of the plane. Thirty seconds later the table is clear, there’s a plate of fresh strawberries, a candle flickering under a small fondue pot, a cannoli drizzled with chocolate, a classic banana split, and a plate of cookies.
“Jesus Christ, are you trying to get me fat?”
I stand up as Sasha walks back to her seat on the long side of the leather bench. I wish she was sitting at a real table so I could pull out her chair.
“I leave the room for two minutes and you’ve decorated the table with calories.”
“I don’t know what you like, so I got you a sample. And the Tokay wine is the best in the world, so please, try everything,
Sasha.”
She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Where do you get your money?” She looks up at me with wide eyes, almost as if she’s afraid to hear the answer.
“Where do you get yours?” I take a sip of my Tokay and then set my glass down.
“Did we get it the same way?”
I smile at her. For such a formidable woman, she possesses an innocence that I can’t help but find a little irresistible. “My father, Max, has money. I use it when I need it.”
“This is his plane?”
“No, Sasha.”
She nods. She’s a Company girl. She will figure me out very quickly. So I have two choices. Lie or tell the truth.
Only one of those is an option.
“No, it belongs to his company.”
“The FBI owns a luxury jet?”
“Let’s talk about kissing.”
“What?” She laughs. “Kissing?”
I smile with her, both at her willingness to drop the topic of money and her pleasure at the new one. “Specifically, the kisses we’ve shared.”
“We haven’t shared any kisses, Agent Jax.” But she says it with a sly grin as she lifts the glass of Tokay and takes a sip. I watch her throat as she swallows and then wish I could lick the sheen of sugar left over on her lips before her tongue darts out to swipe it away.
I scoot closer to her on the curve of the bench and while she remains seated in her spot, her upper body instinctively pulls back from my approach. “You liked it though.”
“I didn’t, actually,” she says. Her pupils are dilating before my eyes, and her breathing picks up a notch.
“You did, Sasha.” I reach out and pick up her hair, feeling the softness of her golden locks between my fingers. “But I took you by surprise, so you didn’t have a chance to realize that. Most dates end with a kiss. And since we’re almost to our destination, maybe we could try again?”
“And end the date before we eat dessert?” She cocks an eyebrow at me.
It doesn’t matter what she says at this point. The invitation is hanging in the air between us. She can tell me no, if she wants. But she knows I’m going to try, so she stays quiet.
