by JA Huss
He points to the bedside clock. “Four-thirty. I don’t know when I can come back, Sasha. It’ll probably take me all day just to sort out what happened. So if you want to go home, it’s only a two-hour drive. There’s a car in the garage. The keys are in the kitchen drawer next to the fridge.”
“Is someone coming to pick you up?”
“Yeah,” he says, grabbing a white dress shirt from the closet and sliding his arms into the sleeves. “The jet. There’s an airfield about a half a mile away. By the time I get over there, the jet should be landing.”
He buttons his shirt and grabs a tie. I watch him as he dresses and feel… like I should not ask for too much more right now, either. If he’s right, and we should be satisfied with the little things that makes us happy, then I’m way overdue for some bad luck. Because I really want more with this man.
“Next time,” he says, leaning down to kiss me as he ties his tie, “I’ll make you breakfast. I promise.” Another kiss, this time with a little tongue, and then he’s gone. Dashing down the hallway. A few seconds later the front door opens and closes.
And I’m alone.
I’m used to being alone. But now that I’ve had a taste of Jax, I don’t like it.
I weigh my options. I could stay here. But I’m not sure I can stand looking at all those pictures of Nick all day. And what if Jax can’t come back at all? What if his job just swoops him off to DC or something?
I could go home. But what’s at home for me? An empty house? A non-existent career in academia?
Or… I could go to my real home. My mom and dad are gone. I know that. But Five said today is Sparrow’s birthday and she was having a party. How hard could it be to find the party?
I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I get up and go searching for my coat. My phone is in there. I have a moment of panic that I left it in whatever vehicle brought us here, but when I open the coat closet, there it is. My phone is even in the pocket, right where I left it.
Can Jax be any more perfect? It’s like he thinks of everything. He’s the guy who just takes care of shit. Like, I bet if he came into my house and saw the leaky faucet in the first-floor bathroom, he’d just fix it. Or if the car needed an oil change, he’d take it to get it done on his lunch break.
Jax is reliable.
I like reliable.
Plus he’s hot.
I like hot too.
But right now I need to be grounded. I need to go home. So I search my contacts and find Harrison’s name. I’ve called him dozens of times for the favor I’m going to ask for. But not since the abduction. I haven’t gone anywhere since the abduction.
I press send and it rings. Just twice.
“Yeah,” Harrison says, clearly asleep.
“I need a ride.”
“Sasha,” he growls at me. “It’s three-thirty in the morning.”
I say nothing. I know what time it is. And he’s on Mountain time, so it’s an hour earlier than here.
“Is it an emergency?” he asks.
“No. But I need to go home. Sparrow’s having a birthday and I need to be there.”
“She’s not having a party at three-thirty.”
“I know, but you hate last-minute trips. So I’m calling ahead.”
He laughs. “Your idea of calling ahead kills me, kid.”
“You love me though.”
“I do. But not enough to come get you now. I’ll be in Lawrence at—”
“No, I’m not in Lawrence. I’m in… hold on. Let me find my map app.” I page through my phone until I get to the maps, and then open it up and zoom in. “I’m in a place called Falls City, Nebraska. And there’s an airfield there. You know it?”
“I know it. Be there at noon your time, and not a minute earlier.”
“I love you, Harrison.”
“I know, kid.”
And then I get the three beeps that say he’s ended the call.
Harrison was the pilot we used to pull that last Company takedown. He’s really a friend of James, but he always liked me better than James because James is a crazy asshole.
A lovable crazy asshole, though. I’d love to see him and Harper again. But they almost never leave the yacht they live on. But seeing Rook and Veronica is just as good. Better, probably. I can talk men with them.
Jax is just as good a catch as their husbands. I bet they’d approve of him.
I set the alarm on my phone for ten AM, and then climb back in bed to daydream about Jax. I’d like to get to know him better. I don’t know if I want to take that job he’s offering, but he said he likes me either way. Maybe I don’t need to work or go to school at all? Maybe I can sit around and be lazy and live off my money?
I don’t have to decide now, though. So I drop it and drift off to sleep thinking I haven’t felt this happy in years.
Chapter Twenty-Six - Sasha
“What are you doing?” Harrison asks as we settle into the short flight to Fort Collins.
“What do you mean?”
He shoots me a dubious look. “I’m not stupid. You call me when you need to get somewhere fast. So what’s going on today?”
“Just Sparrow’s birthday, that’s all.”
“You sure about that?”
“Jesus, Harrison. I’m not a kid anymore. I do grown-up stuff and I don’t have to explain myself.”
He sighs. “I know that. But I don’t want you taking any risks.”
I squint my eyes at him. “I swear to God, I’m just dropping by for a visit.”
“So you want me to wait around and take you home?”
“Uh…”
“Or back to that town that is not your home?”
“No. OK, look. I’ll tell you something, but don’t tell anyone else. It’s my thing and I’ll deal with it, OK?”
He gives me a conspiratorial nod. “OK.”
I take a deep breath and let it out with my words. “I got kicked out of grad school.”
“What?”
“My mentor said I wasn’t serious about anthropology as a career and I needed to take a sabbatical to think through my options.”
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean that’s it?” I know what he means. This man has been with me through some pretty fucked-up Company plans. But I’m not about to tell him Nick is back or the FBI is asking me to join up with them. “That’s a big deal, you know. I’ve been working my ass off for years for this and it all gets taken away in one afternoon.”
“When did this happen?”
“Yesterday.”
“Who lives in Falls City?”
“My boyfriend,” I huff. “Any more questions?”
“Where is he now?” Harrison’s squinting his eyes even more. He knows I’m hiding something, but what I’m saying makes sense, so what’s he gonna do about it but ask more questions?
“He left for Denver last night. For business.”
“So you’re lonely.”
“I guess. But more importantly, it’s Sparrow’s birthday.”
“Hmph.”
I win.
So I smile. But I look out the window as I do it so he’ll stop with the interrogation. We talk about other stuff the rest of the ride and then when I’m on the ground and I figure I’m gonna get away with no more discussion, he gives it one more try.
“I’m serious about the ride home. If you need one, just call.”
But I’m ready for it. “I’m gonna stay at home and think about my options. There’s no reason to go so far away when all my family is here. But if I do, I will call, believe me. Driving home to Kansas is not my idea of fun.”
“I’m gonna drive down to Boulder to visit my brother then, OK? I’ll be here for the weekend if you need me.”
He thinks I’m in trouble. And I might be, but I’m not sure yet. So I accept his offer of help with a kiss to the cheek and then exit the plane and make my way to the terminal.
The local airport is small, but they know me. I called a
head and asked them to find me a rental car, so it’s ready for me when I get there.
Ten minutes later I’m on my way into town.
I check Spencer and Veronica’s bike shop, Shrike Bikes, first. It’s right in the small downtown, and I need to drive by it to get to Rook’s or Veronica’s house.
I hit the jackpot there, because there’s balloons flying in bunches near the side door. I park the car next to Spencer’s red truck with his shop logo on it, and as soon as I get out I hear the squealing of little girls coming from inside. Ronnie used to be a tattoo artist at her family shop a block down the street. But she retired after she got pregnant. Now she body-paints in the back of the bike shop.
I open the back door and there are kids running everywhere. It looks like tattooed princesses threw up in here. Five wasn’t kidding when he said Sparrow was having a biker party. Every little girl is wearing those fake tattoo sleeves, jeans with tutus on them, and tiaras.
God. I have never seen anything so adorable in my whole life.
“Sasha!” Princess Rory squeals. “Look, Mommy! It’s Sasha!”
Veronica stops painting a little girl’s face and beams up at me. “Hey! I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
“Hey, Sasha,” Rook says, her younger little girl, Starling, on her hip. She likes to name her girls after birds. “Wanna help me out for a second?” She holds Starling out to me.
“Sure,” I say, taking the baby. “What’s up, little cutie?” I ask as I nuzzle her nose. Her gummy smile brightens my whole life. I miss having babies around. Both Five and Kate were very small when I moved in with Ford and Ashleigh. Five was a newborn and Ashleigh was glad to have help since Kate had just turned one.
Rook goes off to help Sparrow open her presents, and I take my attention back to Ronnie. “When Five said Sparrow was having a biker theme, I thought he was kidding.”
“Don’t ask. But these girls are crazy for tattoos and bikes right now. I blame Spencer. He made mini-Shrike Trikes for them, and they think they’re in a motorcycle club now.”
“Oh my God. I might die.”
“They want patches and leather jackets. And Rory asked me for Frye boots like mine.”
I’m smiling so big as I picture this pack of princesses dressed up like Spencer. “Does their club have a name?”
Ronnie rolls her eyes. “Spencer calls them the Shrike Sisters.”
“Damn, I miss all the good stuff living so far away. I should move home.”
“Home?” Ronnie stops her face-painting and looks up at me. “What about school?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for school.”
“No? Well, you should talk to Rook. Remember when she dropped out?”
“Yeah, and it all worked out for her. She won that indie film festival prize three times now.”
“Yeah, so you know, if you want to dig dinosaur bones—”
“What if I don’t want to dig dinosaur bones?”
“What?” Ronnie is really confused now. “But that’s always been your dream.”
“I know, but don’t you think it’s a little childish? I mean, what kind of job is that?”
“It’s not a job, Sasha,” she says, going back to her face-painting. “It’s your passion.”
“I guess.”
She looks up at me again, her brush in mid-stroke, painting flames up the side of the little girl’s cheek. “Unless you’re just over it? Like me. I always wanted to be an artist. I used to think I was above tattoos and lament about how all I wanted was to be taken seriously as an artist. But you know what my passion is?”
“What?”
“Being a mom.” She smiles down at the girl as she finishes her design. “OK, Jenny, you’re done. Go watch Sparrow open presents.” Little Jenny, who must be a new friend because I’ve never seen her before, jumps up and runs off squealing for the other girls to look at her face. “And don’t touch it,” Ronnie calls, “or you’ll smear it all over!” She stands up and walks over to the sink to wash her hands. “Yeah, I wanted to be an artist, but this shit is just fun, Sasha. I mean it. This party is not even for my kid and I couldn’t do enough to help Rook plan for it. I always wanted to be Spencer’s wife, but I had no idea how much joy having his children would be.”
“Wow.”
“You’re not like me though, I know that. So if you’re thinking you’d like a different career, then go for it. You can change your mind any time you want, Sash. You’re so young.”
“I’m the same age you were when you got pregnant with Rory, though.”
“So? You can’t live your life on someone else’s timeline. Find your passion, like I did. And then give it all you’ve got.”
I nod, but then Rory and her three other girls are yelling for her to come watch as Sparrow opens her presents. Rook and Ronnie have been friends forever, it seems. They are raising their kids together as a team. Ashleigh too. But Ash and Ford are their own best friends. They mostly hang out together.
I want all of that. I want a guy like Ford and friends like Ash, and Rook, and Ronnie. And when I get out my checklist for happiness, I have none of those boxes ticked off.
I watch the presents being opened, then the singing, and the cake. But it’s too much for me today. It’s too much to sit here and take in all the things I don’t have. It’s heartbreaking to realize that I’m twenty-four years old and I have nothing to show for it but a long list of could’ve-beens and failures.
So I kiss all the Shrike Sisters, and hug their mommies, and get back in my crappy rental car so I can go spend the night alone at my parents’ house.
I drive slow down Mountain Avenue and pull the car into the driveway. I cut the engine and sit there in silence for a few seconds, pondering what I should do next.
I have no school to go back to. I’m sleeping with an FBI agent who wants me to rewrite my life plan and join him in hunting the lingering Company assholes. And the man who broke his promise to me is back in the picture.
Crossroads.
I feel like a kid back out on the prairie waiting for James to come kill me or save me.
It was a toss-up. My future was up in the air and it could’ve gone either way. But it went this way.
So here I am. Alone, lonely, and wishing so bad I could do it all over again, it hurts my heart.
Because I fucked up. Somewhere along the way, I fucked up.
And even though Jax is fun and makes me forget all the mistakes I made, I want to remember. I want to remember every single one of them so I can set them right.
And there is only one person alive who can help me do that.
Nick.
Chapter Twenty-Seven - Jax
“Come on in, Jake. Just sit down and relax.”
My brother is… gone. This guy, I have no idea who he is. He makes his way across the safe house Max keeps in the Denver suburbs and collapses into a chair. He’s been chain-smoking since I picked him up at the Federal Center.
I wish I could make it better but I don’t have any words. So I just take a seat in the chair opposite him and lean back to wait him out.
He takes a long drag on his cigarette and blows the smoke into the room. It took me all day to secure his release and convince the entire fucking FBI satellite office that he is absolutely not under arrest. I don’t care how many dead bodies they found in his apartment.
“I hate my life,” he finally says after we’ve been sitting in the depressing room for ten minutes. “I hate my fucking life.”
“I’m sorry, man. I am. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t answer when you called. I’m in the middle of recruiting this girl, Jake. She’s Company, man. She’s the Zero everyone was talking about years ago. I have her at the safe house in Nebraska.”
“Fuck that girl.” And then he drags his tired eyes up to mine and snarls, “Fuck you too.”
“Look,” I say, “I get it. You lost someone—”
His look alone is enough to cut me off. But he doesn’t stop there. “Lost
someone? That’s what you’re calling this? Did we just lose Michael when Nick Tate came into our house and shot him in the head?”
I have nothing for that. But I have to try. If I don’t, he’s gonna walk out of here and never talk to me again. And I can’t let Nick Tate take away this brother too. He took Michael, he can’t have Jake. “No,” I say. “No. But listen to me, Jake. Everything we’ve been working for is in reach right now. I’ve got this girl ready to give up everything she knows.”
“Bullshit,” he says, looking up through the hair hanging across his face. “Bull-fucking-shit. If she’s Company, she’s the one playing you.”
“You don’t know her.”
“I know her well enough to know she can lie. She can kill. How much more do I need to know?”
“She’s not like that, man. I swear to God, we’re so fucking close to the win. She was Nick Tate’s promise.”
These words finally get his full attention. “Bullshit.”
I sigh and shrug my shoulders. “She was. And she was there that night it all went down in Santa Barbara. The night Nick got away, he used her too, Jake. He used her to do his dirty work and then he left her behind. She’s only twenty-four. She was only thirteen when that shit went down. And she’s assimilated really well into post-Company life.”
“There is no such thing and you know it.” He takes another long drag on his cigarette and blows some rings out of habit. “You never walk away from the Company. Just look at Nick. That motherfucker has been running shit since the day he walked out. All they do is reorganize, Jax. That’s all they do. We lost, man. We lost Michael and…”
He can’t say the other names. There are too many dead friends from the first time we tried to infiltrate the Company back in Miami several years ago. That ended the same way. Him in custody and Max and me saving his ass. And I really don’t want to play this card, especially after he lost two people last night. But I have no choice. “You made a deal with me, Jake. You made a deal and that’s why you’re not rotting in federal prison right now. So let’s make a new deal.”
“Fuck you,” he yells, standing up. His fists and jaw are clenching in unison. “I gave up four fucking years of my life for what? Those people they arrested last night weren’t Company. The whole thing was a bust. And I lost again.” He stresses the word. Hard.
