“But what if I decide to clear out?”
“Exactly. That’s really the point of what I’m saying. I found out very early that the more you want to hold people the more they want to be free. So I decided to do things my way. It once brought me eight years of great happiness. That’s not a bad return on an investment. You now have money to lead whatever life you choose. I won’t give you any more. If you spend it all next week, it will simply mean that you’re not the person I think you are, and I will have made a rather expensive mistake. I don’t often make mistakes about people. I’ve only felt what I feel about you twice before in my life, and I was right both times. You completely enchant me. I do hope you’ll give me the pleasure of watching you live.”
“Wow.” Peter took a deep breath and swallowed to clear the lump in his throat. “You’ve got to admit it’s pretty overwhelming. I’ve got to have time to think. I want to talk to Tim about it.”
“That’s very sweet. You value friendship. You’re a very good person. I wouldn’t do what I’ve done if you weren’t.”
“You certainly have a way of leaving a guy speechless. I haven’t even thanked you.”
“I think we can let time take care of that.”
They agreed to spend the evening together, and Peter returned to what he was beginning to think of as his own apartment and selected a watch he thought would bring a good price and went out and sold it. He bought provisions and returned to the apartment and burrowed through his clothes and brought out the heavy cardboard folder in which he kept Charlie’s drawing. His throat ached as he held it. If escape was within his reach, this was the point of departure. He mustn’t go on treasuring these things as the promise of a return to the ecstatic happiness in which they had been created. Face it: the past was a dream ended. One of the drawings he could never part with; the other was simply a prized possession that he could offer for another’s enjoyment.
He sat with the folder in front of him for a long time trying to think his way through the situation. No matter how persuasive Walter might be, he had to be sure that he wasn’t selling himself in some way. Even such a simple act as giving him a drawing he would like might have unpleasant implications. The pose was provocative. Would he be using his body to tantalize him, to exploit his peculiar tastes? No, he had no interest in exploiting him. He hadn’t accepted the money yet. He wouldn’t feel it was his until he had talked to Tim. He didn’t even know what his feelings for Tim were, but he knew he felt something for the first time in months. It was there within him, glowing, stirring him to life, stretching his nerves with anticipation. If it was going to lead to something, it would have to start with everything clear between them. Just don’t build it up in your mind, his inner voice warned. He felt very young and inexperienced. Silly little faggot, he told himself. You’re in pretty deep. Make sure you don’t do anything that’ll louse up your life.
When it was time to join Walter, he withdrew the drawing of himself from the folder without looking at the other and went downstairs. Walter was waiting for him in the living room with drinks set out.
“I want to give you something,” he said without any preliminaries. “I think you’ll like it, but I don’t want you to get me wrong. You’ll see what I mean when you look at it.” He handed over the drawing.
Walter studied it for several minutes in silence. “Extraordinary,” he said finally. “It’s very lovely. Quite aside from subject, it’s beautiful. Beautiful work.”
“That’s what I hoped you’d think. I didn’t want you to get the idea that I went around handing out pictures of myself with a hard-on. I mean, well, it’s a picture, not a proposition.”
“Of course, laddie. I understand the point you’re trying to make. I’m very proud you’re willing to let me have it. It means a great deal. But tell me about it. Who did it?”
“Charlie.” He paused, waiting for the pain to cut into him. He thought of Tim and assured himself stubbornly that he would no longer be alone and found he could go on without wanting to burst into tears. He went on at length, telling the story of his life, which was simply the story of Charlie.
“You’re still very much in love with him, aren’t you, laddie?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I always will be, but I don’t see what good it’ll do me. Tim did something to me. We just looked at each other, and it happened. That’s why I’m so excited about it. Except that they’re both sort of blond, he’s not at all like Charlie, so it can’t be transference or whatever you call it. I’ve sometimes thought I’m a sex fiend, but Tim makes me realize I’m not really. I’m going out of my mind wanting to go to bed with him, but it’s more than that. I don’t know how many guys I’ve done it with in the last few months, but I’ve never really wanted any of them more than once. It’s not like that with Tim. I guess I must be in love with him, or at least beginning to be.”
“You’re full of love, laddie. Tim will be very lucky if you offer him some part of it. I’m sorry your friend isn’t going on with his art. He has a great talent. I’ll have it framed. It’s good enough to hang with the others, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind if Tim doesn’t. You’d better ask him. I honestly don’t know anything about anything for the moment. I won’t until tomorrow night.”
They had an excellent meal and a pleasant evening with the pictures. When Peter went back to his place, he hid the drawing of Charlie away. He still didn’t trust himself to look at it. Maybe he would with Tim some day.
The next day was simply feverish waiting. He drowsed in bed as late as he could. He spent a long time in the bathroom, grooming himself. He went out and bought food and wine and flowers. The flowers took up quite a lot of time. He fussed about in the kitchen, making sure that everything was in order for dinner. It was time at last to call. His voice trembled when he pronounced Tim’s name to the girl who answered the phone. Then Tim was on the line sounding astonishingly familiar.
“Is that you? Thank God. This is getting out of control. Where can I meet you?”
His voice trembled again as he replied, “I’m in Walter’s small apartment. You know the one.”
“You are? I’ll be damned. That’s fine. I’ll be there by six.”
“Is it all right?”
“Is what all right? It was all wrong being away.”
“I’ll say. I meant about the apartment.”
“It’s perfect. It’s been empty for I don’t know how long. Listen, if I go on talking, something’s going to give. I’m going to hang up now.” He did.
Peter sat staring at the phone thinking of all the things he wished he had said. He hoped he hadn’t sounded cold. Tim had managed to say so much in a few words. Getting out of control. All wrong being away. Something’s going to give. He lay back in the chair and laughed. Tim had it bad, too. Exciting and wonderful. He hadn’t made it all up in his mind. He sprang up and tore off his clothes and took another shower. He considered not dressing but decided it would look tartish if he was sitting around all ready to go to bed. Tim would be dressed. He should be, too. He gave dressing his careful attention, choosing things he thought he looked his best in. He got out ice and bottles. He adjusted the flowers. He tried to keep his mind a blank. After an eternity of silence, the bell rang. He rushed to the door and flung it open. For an instant, his eyes were bathed in blue, then Tim was inside. He put down a small suitcase and flung off his hat and coat all in one movement and took Peter in his arms. He moaned as their mouths met. They kissed for a long moment. Their heads parted, and they leaned a little away from each other, their arms crooked, holding each other by the elbows, their hips thrust forward and touching, swaying slightly as their erect sexes played with each other through layers of cloth.
“Clothes. Hell, I thought you’d be ready for me.”
“I thought of it. I decided I ought to be respectable. They’re things I’ve got to tell you. It’s really all right my being here?”
“Why’re you looking so worried? He gave it to you
because he’s stuck on you. So what? I knew he would be.”
“It’s more than that. He’s given me fifty thousand dollars.”
“Good God.” Tim stared, motionless with astonishment. A grin slowly spread across his face. “That’s fabulous. You’ve driven him mad. Not that that’s really big money to him. He can spare it.”
“I haven’t accepted it yet. I had to talk to you. What am I supposed to do?”
“Listen, we can talk about it later. I can’t think straight now. Let’s go to bed. Please. You don’t know what it’s been like. I’ve been going crazy thinking about you.”
“Me too. But I had to tell you first. I want everything to be the way you want it.”
“Well, then, come on. I want to see what I’m getting that’s worth fifty thousand bucks.”
“Tim.”
“Yeah?”
“This means something, doesn’t it? It’s not just going to be a quick lay?”
“Are you crazy? For two days I haven’t been making any sense at all. I don’t know why I wasn’t fired. I wouldn’t have cared. Hell, I would’ve been glad. I could’ve got back here that much sooner. This is the biggest thing that’s happened to me—I don’t know, maybe in my whole life. You knew that when I left.”
“I hoped so. That’s why Walter and this place bothered me. We can leave it till later so long as you know I want so much to be everything you want me to be.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to try very hard. But please, please. For the love of God have mercy on my aching cock. I want you in bed.”
“That, sure lord, is where I want to be.”
“Well, come on.”
“We’ll have to let go of each other if we expect to go anywhere.”
“I know. That’s the hard part.”
“When it happens like this, it certainly makes everything else seem pretty crappy.”
Tim gripped his arms hard. “Come on.”
There was no time for sophisticated lovemaking. Peter knew that he could never get through the preparations necessary to his particular desires. It was all done in minutes with hands and grappling bodies. They spilled themselves onto each other.
They lay together afterward, Tim propped on an elbow, a big hand toying with Peter’s hair. “You’re it. You’re really it, Skeezix. I’ve been waiting so damn long for you. I don’t mean two days. I mean years. I was beginning to think you’d never turn up. You’re mine now. The Growler. Who would ever have guessed it?”
“I would have, if anybody had told me about you. And how about dropping that name? The Growler’s dead. It was a pretty good joke while it lasted.” He was memorizing Tim’s face: the fair hair falling over the heavy brow, the wide-set eyes, the high, rather massive cheekbones, the strong jut of the nose, the curve of the big, firmly modeled mouth. There was nothing subtle or elusive about it. It was all honest and straight and easy to read. What he read now was love. He was moved and grateful. He snuggled in closer and ran his hand over the cloud of blond hair on his chest and put a finger in his ear. “You’re staying the night, aren’t you? I mean, that’s the way it’s going to be, isn’t it?”
“Are you kidding? Try to get me out.”
“And tomorrow night?”
“You’re damn right.”
“That’s enough to look forward to really. Are we more or less going to live together?”
“What do you mean, more or less? You’re mine now.”
“I’m glad. It’s nice to know. I want you to fuck me, you know.”
“How do you mean?”
“Really fuck me. You know. You inside me.”
Tim’s eyes were grave. “You do? That’s something I’ve never done.”
“It’s amazing how many guys haven’t. Just wait. Then I’ll really be yours.” Tim’s sex stiffened against his leg. Peter laughed. “I don’t mean necessarily right now, unless you really want to. Don’t you want me to cook you some dinner?”
“I guess so, if it won’t take too long.”
Peter pulled his head down and they kissed. The kiss deepened as their hands explored each other, finding new places. Peter was overwhelmed by his size: heavy shoulders, big arms, deep chest, great columns of legs, the thick sex like a club. He wanted him badly in the way he liked best. He wanted to be his. He felt protected again. He wanted to hide in his chest. Tim drew his head back and looked at him and began to laugh. “You really are something, aren’t you, Skeezix?” His laughter was filled with delight and amazement. “I knew you were beautiful, but I never guessed the half of it.”
Peter smiled and opened his mouth and snapped it shut with a click of teeth. He growled. “Shall we go on from here, or dinner?”
“You can do anything you want with me. You say.”
“Then let’s get the damn food over with so we can concentrate on things that matter.”
“I’m not so sure I’ll let you go. You can do anything you want except get out of this bed.”
Peter put the heels of his hand in the hollows of Tim’s cheeks and pressed gently. “I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“If you’re sure that’s true, then I guess it’s all right.” He disentangled himself. Peter slid over to the edge of the bed and stood. Tim scrambled after him and put his arm around his waist and turned him. He kissed his rigid sex with his open mouth and ran his tongue along it. “Where did you get all this? It’s amazing on such a skinny little guy.”
Peter ran his hand through the fair hair and pressed his head against his stomach. “It seems to be bigger than usual today. That’s what you do to it.”
Tim swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. Peter took his hand and held him, and they remained motionless as they studied each other’s bodies. Walter’s description had been accurate. Peter ached inside with wanting him. He shifted his hips so that their sexes met and crossed. He looked up and their eyes met and they laughed.
“Do you suppose we’re going to stay like this all through dinner?” Peter asked.
“I wouldn’t be at all surprised. The way you make me feel, I’ll probably be like this for the next month.”
They moved apart reluctantly, and Peter put on a dressing gown. Tim went to the entrance hall and opened his bag and pulled a robe out for himself. Peter fixed them drinks in the living room. They looked at each other’s lifted dressing gowns and rocked with laughter.
“Do you suppose this could mean we want to make love with each other?” Peter asked.
“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re both guys.”
“So it would appear. Maybe slaving over a hot stove will have some effect.” They laughed some more.
Tim followed him into the kitchen. He sat at the table while Peter turned his back on him and busied himself with a meal he’d kept simple on purpose.
“How’s yours,” Peter asked with a giggle after a few minutes.
“The same.”
“So’s mine. It’s going to get in the soup.” They shouted with laughter. Peter collapsed over the sink. “This is ridiculous. Suppose we have to go around like this for the rest of our lives.”
“It’ll ruin my career. No jury would take me seriously.” They howled.
“That’s better,” Peter said while he caught his breath. “At least, it’s not so much in the way.”
“Yeah. Sex is no laughing matter.” They continued to be shaken by little bursts of giggles.
“God, I love you, big boy,” Peter said. “You’re so damn silly.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s what everybody says.”
Peter set the table and put the food on it and poured out wine. “Now listen,” he said when they had started eating. “We’ve got to get this Walter business straight. You know what happened, don’t you?”
“Sure. Hell, I was there before you. I’m too old for him now. He likes ’em young.”
“You don’t mind?”
“I told you anything you did was OK. I wasn’t crazy about the idea of his seeing you before I did
, but we’d hardly met. I didn’t have the right to start laying down the law. Now that you’re mine, now that we have each other, what difference does it make?”
“Well, what do you want me to do about the money?”
“Take it, for God’s sakes. You’re worth every penny of it. There aren’t any strings attached, are there?”
“No. So he says. Except that I know he’s going to want me to strip sometimes.”
“I don’t see what harm that can do you.”
“You wouldn’t mind if I did?”
“Why should I? I wouldn’t mind if you took a shower in a gym. Plenty of guys would stare at you there. That’s really all it amounts to. As far as I’m concerned, we can ask the whole town in to look at you. You’re so damn beautiful. Look. Not touch. I’ll kill anybody who tries that. I’m not kidding. As for the other part of it, so long as you think of me, that doesn’t matter much either.”
“I’m not so sure. That’s the trouble. It wasn’t the same as doing it by myself. I was awfully drunk and thinking about you, but I don’t know. You seem to get involved somehow with the person who’s watching. That’s what bothers me. I’m no exhibitionist, but in a way I sort of liked it. Something really wonderful had just happened to me, you’d just been there and kissed me, and I was doing something I didn’t want you to know about. That’s the bad part. I agree with you, otherwise. It doesn’t mean a thing. I don’t mind taking my clothes off if I like somebody and they really want to look at me.”
“Are you saying you’re seriously considering turning him down?”
The Peter & Charlie Trilogy Page 24
