“Of course, later, they decided my problem was mental illness.”
“You say that like you don’t believe it anymore.”
“I feel so much better with you. Is that temporary, do you think?”
“I can’t say.”
“Lacey called today.”
“Why?”
“She was worried because she hadn’t heard from my mother. I think my mother didn’t want her to know what’s been going on with us. She’s afraid Lacey will come and ruin it. My mom nearly pushes me out the door to come over here every night.”
“I knew a woman who made love in a graveyard had to be an incredible romantic.”
He aimed a piercing stare at her.
“Love isn’t a crime, Gabe.”
“She said vows to Arthur Nash. She should have let him out instead of turning him into a cuckold—with his best friend, no less.”
“What about that? His best friend. Have you ever considered that Arthur was okay with it?”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Polygamy is common in the animal world and more common among humans than we realize.”
“So are things like infanticide and rape. Do you want to glorify those, too?”
Jo looked down at the book of poems in her hands. Hope’s Ghost. Hope Lovett, dead at age eighteen on a cold winter night in 1899. Had she ever been in love? Made love? In those days, if she was unmarried, probably not. Unlike many male poets of the past, Jo found nothing romantic in the death of a virginal young woman. Or man.
She put the book aside and picked up the two candles. “Come on,” she said.
“Where are we going?”
She led him into the house. They passed Ursa and entered Jo’s bedroom. Jo set one candle on the floor, the other on the bed stand. She locked the door behind Gabe.
He stayed near the door. “What are we doing? I don’t know if I’m—”
“Relax,” she said. “We’re only going to lie down.” She slid off her shorts and sat cross-legged in pink panties and a white camisole, looking up at him. He’d never seen her in her underpants before. But he just stood there.
She stretched out on her side. “Come on, I don’t bite. Unless you want me to.”
He smiled, taking in the length of her body. She patted her hand on the mattress where she wanted him.
He slid off his shoes.
“Pants too,” she said.
“I’m pretty sure I’m being seduced,” he said.
“You know how tired I am after a day in the field. I may fall asleep.”
“Oh no you don’t.” The jeans came off in a hurry. As he reclined on his back, she wrapped around him. “Still mad at me?”
“I never was.”
She leaned over him. “Prove it.”
He tenderly kissed her lips, then her neck. Jo loved his way of loving. His inexperience made him curious, attendant to little details. A pattern of freckles on her shoulder intrigued him. He looked at them closely in the candlelight, connecting the marks with his finger. “These look like the stars of the Big Dipper.”
She had never wanted a man more. The surgeries hadn’t changed anything. Except in one way. She was deeply mindful of the passion she felt for him, a miracle of body and mind she used to take for granted.
She slid off his T-shirt and briefs and lay over the length of his warm body.
He wrapped his arms around her. “I know what you’re doing.”
She kissed his cheek. “What am I doing?”
“You think showing me how great sex is will make me forgive my mother and George.”
She sat up, straddled across his belly, and looked down at him. “Any chance we can continue without your mother and George in the room?” Before he could answer, she stood up, removed her panties, and sat down again. “What do you think?”
“They’re gone . . . totally gone.” He sat up and nestled her in his lap. “Any chance you’ll take off that shirt?”
“I’m sure you’d rather I leave it on.”
He held her face in his hands. “I want you exactly the way you are. Do you understand?”
She let him raise the camisole over her head.
“There’s nothing wanting,” he said. “You’re the most whole person I’ve ever known.” He tenderly placed his hands, warm and rough, on the scars on her chest. “Is it too sensitive here? Should I not touch them?”
“I don’t mind, if you don’t.”
He lifted his hands and traced his index finger over the scar near her heart. She saw no signs of pity or grief in his eyes. He drew the line as he had connected the stars on her shoulder, with loving wonder. As if he wanted to know and explore every secret of her body.
He moved his hand to the right scar, skimming his warm fingers over it.
“In a way, those scars brought us together,” she said.
He looked in her eyes. “Mine did, too. And what could be more beautiful than that?”
“Nothing.” She gently pressed him down to the mattress. “Except maybe this . . .”
25
As the first week of July passed, Jo fully entered the fantasy. She gave in to Ursa’s vortex, the timeless whirl of stars Gabe had named the Infinite Nest. Nothing could touch the three of them in that boundless spin of love. Not their pasts. Not their futures. Jo stopped checking the missing children’s websites, and she suspected Gabe did as well.
But even galaxies don’t last forever. The first wobble in their universe started with a phone call from Tabby. A friend of hers was dating a British man, and he’d come over to the States to be with her. The couple wanted to crash at Jo and Tabby’s apartment, and they were willing to pay the last month of rent. That was great news, but Jo’s belongings were still in the apartment. Tabby had started living in the rental house a few weeks earlier. Jo had planned to move after her field season was over, but now she’d have to take a day off.
She quit work early to catch Gabe at his Monday evening egg sale. He smiled from beneath his blue canopy when she pulled in behind his pickup. “You’re done early,” he said. “Sudden urge for an omelet?”
“Sudden urge for you,” she said, leaning over the egg cartons to kiss him.
“Guess what?” Ursa said. “We’re going to Champaign-Urbana tomorrow, and you’re coming with us!”
“Slow down,” Jo said. “I said we would ask him.”
The spark in his eyes dimmed. “Why are you going up there?”
“I have to get my stuff out of the old apartment. We found renters for it.”
“They’re moving in right away?”
“They’re already in, and I’m not keen on them messing with my belongings.”
“How can you miss fieldwork?”
“One day can’t hurt. I don’t have as many active nests as I did a few weeks ago.”
“But going all the way up there to move a few things? Can’t Tabby do it for you?”
“I can’t ask her to do that. It’s more than a few things. Any chance you’d like to help?”
He rubbed his cheek as if the beard were still there.
“I’d love to show you around up there.”
“You can meet Tabby and see the pretty house,” Ursa said, bouncing on her toes.
Jo couldn’t interpret what she saw in his eyes, but it wasn’t good.
“Can we talk about this later?” he said.
“Sure. When will you come over?”
“Maybe around eight.”
Jo wasn’t surprised when he didn’t arrive at eight. He didn’t show up until nine. While Ursa fell asleep, they sat on the porch couch to talk as usual. “Have you thought about coming with us tomorrow?” Jo said.
“I have,” he said.
“Is that a yes ?”
“I can’t leave my mother all day.”
“That was why I tried to talk about it earlier in the day—so you’d have time to call Lacey.”
“I thought we agreed Lacey shouldn’t come here?”
; “We won’t let her see Ursa.”
“It’s too late to call her.”
“You never even considered it, did you?”
He looked out the screen at the dark forest.
“We have to figure out how to make you part of my life up there.”
“I knew it,” he said. “This isn’t about moving a few boxes.”
“What is it about?”
“You want me to move up there.”
“I know you can’t do that. I’m not asking you to leave your mother and your farm. I’m just asking you to imagine a way we can be together.”
He turned his body toward her. “Do you really want that?”
“What we have doesn’t happen every day. I’m afraid it will never happen again in my life.”
“I know. I’m afraid of that, too.”
“Then do something to keep it.” She clasped his hands. “Please try.”
“If you think it will help, I’ll go.”
“It will help. I can’t always come to you at the farm. You have to be willing to face the world.”
He nodded, but tensely.
“Who will take care of your mother tomorrow?” she asked.
“I’ll go call Lacey right now.”
“It’s nine thirty.”
“That doesn’t matter—she comes when my mother says she has to.”
“Is that what you’ll do, have your mother call?”
“I don’t know.” He rose off the couch. “Let me go home and talk to my mother. But I already know she’ll want me to go up there with you.”
Jo stood next to him. “Because she loves you.”
“Yeah.” He kissed her cheek and walked out the screen door.
“How will I know if you’re going?” Jo called to him.
“I’m going. Lacey will come.”
26
Gabe watched the town of Mount Vernon slip by. He’d said little since they left, and Jo thought it best to let him have his quiet. He’d probably had a less than pleasant interaction with Lacey. She’d driven over from Saint Louis at six in the morning.
Jo looked in the rearview mirror. Ursa was still coloring a picture for Tabby, a drawing of the tabby kitten she’d named Caesar. It would take a long time to draw all the stripes, Ursa had said. Jo didn’t doubt she’d do it well.
Gabe wiped his palms on his jeans.
“You okay?” Jo said.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Interstate 57 must bring back memories.”
“Sure does.”
“Mostly good?”
“I guess so.”
She left him alone.
They passed Salem, Farina, and Watson, and the farther they drove in silence, the guiltier Jo felt about prying him out of his comfort zone. But she had to know how bad it was with him. She was deeply invested. And if the trip proved he couldn’t handle the outside world, she’d have to start the painful process of cutting ties.
When they arrived at the edge of Effingham, where Jo often stopped for cheap gas and Necco candy, Gabe perked up. “We used to eat at a good pizza place here.”
“Is it near the highway?”
“No, not that close.”
“How did you find it?”
“My dad hated chain restaurants. He was a connoisseur of local eateries, especially in small towns. He actually did research to find places with a homegrown atmosphere. I’ve eaten at quirky pie shops and old-time diners all over this state.”
“Your dad was an interesting guy.”
“You’d have liked him.”
She waited for more, but he lapsed into silence again. She looked in the rearview mirror at Ursa. She’d fallen asleep, rare for her busy brain. “This boring scenery even puts Ursa to sleep,” she said. “If you can call corn and soybean fields scenery .”
“It is if you haven’t seen it for a while,” he said. “Now that I live in the forest, I’m not used to seeing so much sky. It was kind of shocking at first.”
He’d once said he had a touch of agoraphobia. Maybe that was why he’d been so quiet. She tried a few more times to open conversation but got little response and gave up.
They arrived in Urbana on schedule, around noon. The plan was to meet Tabby at the old apartment and load Jo’s belongings into her VW and the Honda. Jo hoped they would need only one trip, because going up and down the stairs to the third-floor apartment would make the move slow enough.
When Jo saw the building she and Tabby had lived in since senior year, she was relieved they were moving. Other than being a convenient distance to campus, the ugly building and congested location were far from the kind of relaxing home Jo had craved since her surgeries.
“Look, there’s Tabby’s car,” Ursa said.
“She’ll be upstairs,” Jo said. She wrapped her arm around Gabe’s waist and kissed his cheek as they walked toward the stairs. “Are you hungry?”
“Not yet,” he said.
“I am,” Ursa said.
“We’re having sandwiches at the house with Tabby.”
Ursa skipped the rest of the way to the stairs. They climbed to the third floor and walked the outer balcony to apartment 307. Jo knocked rather than use her key in case the new renters were inside. Tabby opened the door wearing a midriff-baring blue lace tank, rolled-up green army pants, and ripped red Converse shoes. “Jojo! You’re gorgeous!” she said, throwing her arms around Jo.
“Thanks. So are you. I like the new color,” she said of Tabby’s pale denim-colored hair.
Tabby could hardly drag her eyes away from Gabe to greet Ursa. Jo hadn’t told her she was bringing Gabe and Ursa, or even that she was in a relationship. Everything had been too complicated to explain, especially the situation with Ursa. No one in the outer world, not even Jo’s closest friend, could possibly understand. And explaining her life in the forest cottage—being forced to defend it—would certainly ruin its fragile beauty.
“Ursa, my favorite alien,” Tabby said, leaning down to hug her. “How’s it going, girlfriend?”
“Good,” Ursa said. “I have a picture for you in the car.”
“Awesome! And you wore our color.” She gave Ursa a high five for her purple T-shirt.
“Tabby, this is Gabe Nash,” Jo said. “Gabe, this is Tabby Roberti.”
Gabe smiled tensely and shook Tabby’s hand.
“Wait . . . Gabe ?” Tabby said. “The guy in Ursa’s picture?”
“Yes, minus the beard,” Jo said.
“We shaved it!” Ursa said.
“Who did?” Tabby said.
“Jo and me. But I only helped. I wasn’t allowed to use the razor.”
Tabby couldn’t hide her shock. Or her injury. If Jo was intimate enough with a guy to shave him, Tabby expected to know. And it had to sound very weird that Ursa had helped with the beard removal.
“Let’s get going,” Jo said. “It’s already crazy hot out here.”
“I guess I could let you into the air-conditioning,” Tabby said. She stepped back and ushered them inside. “Anyone want water? I can’t offer anything else because the stuff in the fridge belongs to the new renters.”
“Are they here?” Jo asked.
“They cleared out to give us some space.”
“Are you sure they won’t trash the place? We’ll be responsible if they do.”
“I trust her. I don’t know him, but he seems quite the well-mannered Brit.” She said the last in a stuffy British accent that made Ursa laugh.
“Have they paid?” Jo said.
“Cash in hand,” Tabby said. “Need the bathroom?” she asked Gabe. “I want to talk about you behind your back to Jo.”
He smiled, his first all day. “Where is it?”
“First door on the left in that hallway.”
As soon as the bathroom door clicked closed, Tabby said, “Bitch! You always get these really hot guys. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wasn’t sure where it was going.”
She arched her eyebrows, nud
ging for more. “Where has it gone so far?”
“They’re in love,” Ursa said. “I made it happen.”
“With her alien powers,” Jo said, winking.
“I did!” Ursa said.
“I don’t care who made it happen. Is it true?” Tabby whispered.
Jo looked in the direction of the bathroom. “You know I can’t talk about this right now.”
“Yeah,” Tabby said. She clutched Jo’s shirt under her neck. “But I’m gonna beat it out of you later. You hear?”
“I hear.”
Tabby released Jo’s shirt and folded her into her arms. “I’m happy for you, Jo.”
The bathroom door opened.
“Does he play the banjo?” Tabby whispered in her ear.
“Shut up.” Jo walked past her and brought Gabe into her bedroom. She loaded his arms with clothes from the closet and sent him down to the car. Jo grabbed an armload and followed him before Tabby could corner her and ask more questions.
With all four of them working, Jo’s belongings were packed into the two cars in less than an hour. They drove to the new house, and Jo gave Gabe a tour while Tabby and Ursa made sandwiches and lemonade. She showed him the backyard last.
He cupped his hand on a red lily flower. “This place suits you.”
“Someday I’d rather live in the woods like you do. But if I have to live in town, it’s not bad.”
“You’d rather live in the woods?” he said.
“Of course. Or the mountains or on a lake. I want nature out my front door.”
“That’s how humans should live.” Looking at a nearby house, he said, “We’re not meant to live on top of each other.”
She pressed against him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I thought you liked it when we were on top of each other.”
He glanced nervously at the back door.
“Tabby knows,” she said. “Anyway, what’s to hide?”
“I don’t know. I’m trying to get used to all of this.”
She kept her hands on the nape of his neck. “You’re trying to get used to trusting us.”
“Maybe.”
She kissed him. “I have to trust everything. I want no regrets if . . .” She couldn’t say it aloud. She never had.
“If what?”
“If the cancer comes back.”
Where the Forest Meets the Stars Page 19
