“The same as always. I’m trying to talk these hotheads down from war with Spain. It seems the people in this country are never happy unless we’re at war with France, Spain, or both at the same time.”
“I’d be careful whom you call a hothead, Thomas. It’d be wise for you to move up in the world before you speak so boldly in public.” Thomas Wentworth would either end up leading the country or with his head on a pike. If he didn’t learn to control his tongue, it would be the latter.
“I find it best if opposition is voiced before we’re all up to our ears in debt and blood.”
Yes, most definitely the latter. “How much support do you have? Hardly any. Everyone’s for war with Spain.”
“Only because Buckingham is.”
“I know it’s fashionable to blame every ill on Buckingham, but that’s hardly fair. Besides, he supports the king.”
“You’re right. I admire the king for seeking peace through marriage, but I wonder how much of this hostility toward Spain is a reaction to the possibility that our Prince may marry their Catholic infanta.”
“It doesn’t matter. You don’t want to be the only one railing against it when our ships set sail. If you really want to avoid war, build support. What about this new Baron Barwick? He doesn’t seem much like his brother. Do you think he’d be on your side?”
“What does it matter if a new baron is on my side?”
“The man controls Dover. I hope he’s as blind to his own power as you are. He doesn’t seem to have much interest in wielding it. What do you know about him?”
“Only what Richard told me. Michael’s spent hardly any time in the country. He owns a fleet of ships. As soon as he has enough money to buy another one, he does. Never lets his money stack up. I guess when you spend your entire life at sea, there’s nothing much to spend it on.”
“You’re a fool then if you don’t befriend him. Who has a greater interest in whether we go to war or not than the man whose ships will be conscripted for the fight?”
A smile crept across Thomas’s face. “You always were a shrewd man, Lawrence. I’ll make sure to speak to him tonight.” Thomas nodded and walked away.
The new Baron Barwick could be a problem for Lawrence. It would be best to know as much as possible about him, and Sir Thomas was always a great source of information. Lawrence couldn’t risk anyone taking Jocelyn away from him. He was so close to claiming the daughter he’d always wanted. No one would stand in his way.
* * *
Chapter 8
Michael wondered if he had made a mistake in how he’d handled things with Jocelyn. He’d never courted a woman before. His experience consisted of the standard dock whores every sailor knew. They were a quick and easy release. Nothing in his morals prevented him from paying for sex, but it wasn’t just sex he wanted from Jocelyn. Many a night he had spent on deck, gazing at the countless stars, wondering if a woman existed who could lure him away from his ocean mistress. For years, he had craved a woman to love, to give his heart to, but he never thought he’d actually find one. To him, a woman he could love and cherish was as mythical as a mermaid. How could he have known he’d find a siren at the court of King James?
Jocelyn was a siren: there was no doubt about that. He had given her power to dash his heart upon the rocks. Perhaps he should have taken a different tack. Money would bring Jocelyn to his room. If he could only spend more time with her, he felt sure he could show her what he truly wanted.
No. This wasn’t about him. It was about her. She needed to come of her own will, free of financial motive. Only then could he be sure they were moving forward together. Only then would she be able to tell him what she needed from him. She’d been upset at him for approaching her while she worked. That was no way to win her heart. Everything he’d said was true, but his courage failed him as he waited in his room. A candle burned low in the window.
He strained his ears for the sound of footsteps in the hall. Nothing. He shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d asked a lot of Jocelyn. In a matter of two days, Michael had entered her life and wanted to pull her away from it. He had to see the situation from her viewpoint. It was the only way to comfort himself.
Jocelyn wasn’t the only one facing change. The recent changes in Michael’s life were dizzying. This very night, Sir Thomas Wentworth had spoken to him at great length, asking his opinions on war. What did Michael know of war? What did he know of knights and courts and kings? He longed for the familiarity of his life at sea. His thoughts stayed away from the mother and sister and children waiting for him in his ancestral home. The responsibility weighed heavily on him, and he knew that he was sorely lacking. Like most boys, he had worshipped his older brother. Richard was supposed to live forever. Richard was the one who would have known what to say to Wentworth. He would have known where his time was best spent, how to use the court to benefit their family while avoiding the traps and pitfalls.
Then there was Jocelyn. How had he gone so quickly from a confirmed bachelor—too busy and in love with the sea to be lured away—to a man consumed by a single woman? Jealousy had curled hot and tight in his gut at the sight of her with another man. It was to be expected, but the power of his feelings surprised Michael. The speed with which Jocelyn had found a place in his heart stunned him.
Yes, changes were afoot, but Jocelyn was the only change in Michael’s life he welcomed.
Michael looked up from the desk where a manifest from one of his ships lay untouched next to a letter from home. He’d have to return sooner than he’d thought. Naturally, as soon as he wanted to stay at court, Dover called him away. The candle in the window burned dangerously low. She obviously wasn’t coming, but Michael didn’t feel the least bit drowsy. The need for sleep seemed to vanish when thoughts of her entered his mind.
He had learned much at the masquerade. Jocelyn was far too modest. Why hadn’t she taken a position as an official mistress? Michael didn’t believe she hadn’t been offered one. Her willingness to forego the security, status, and wealth that would come from being an official mistress stood as a testament to her desire for autonomy. He had never come across a woman like her before. Of course, his dealings with the fairer sex were limited at sea, but he didn’t need a lifetime on land to know she was unique. Other women played games of intrigue, to be sure, but they all played the game with their eye on the prize of a husband or benefactor. Jocelyn eyed a completely different prize: a life of her own. She beat the other women at court because she played a different game.
Michael hadn’t expected he’d ever find a woman after his own heart, especially at court. Money only meant freedom to both of them. It wasn’t lost on him that he sought to tie her to him. She would see it as him taking away the very thing they both yearned for. He would need skill to convince her that he wished only to give her the freedom she craved and to explore it with her.
Knowing how many powerful men desired her did not intimidate him. If she was going to settle for someone else, if another man was going to win her, he already would have. He had no doubt he would win in the end because he could offer her something no other man at court could: genuine love. It wasn’t possible for anyone else to love her as he did when she kept herself guarded. Their dynamic was fundamentally different because he had never assumed the position of a client, taking with no regard for giving back anything other than her fee. That was the key to his success and the reason he had to stand firm in the declaration he made. Selective selfishness. He wanted her badly enough that he was willing to deny himself in pursuit of his goal. She might not recognize it as proof of his love, but he knew if he gave in, it would sabotage any hope he had of victory.
Nothing would come easily with Jocelyn. He couldn’t simply carry her off, no matter how much he wanted to. He wouldn’t treat her like a bit of merchandise. Michael wanted her for much longer than a night, much longer than she could be purchased for. He didn’t want to possess her body; he wanted her. There wasn’t enough coin in the country to purcha
se what he desired. All he could do was give her his heart and see if it was enough to earn hers in return.
* * *
Chapter 9
Jocelyn felt empty. Sex with Lord Bradley left her unsatisfied and discomfited. There was no reason for her to feel she betrayed Michael. It was ludicrous. As soon as she sensed the baron’s even breathing, she slipped out of bed, got dressed, and left as quickly as she could.
Somehow, she ended up shivering outside Michael’s door as if she’d brought the cold inside with her. It couldn’t be nerves. Jocelyn had never been nervous around men. Underneath the door, she saw the glow of the candle she’d seen in his window. He had stayed true to his word. Did she have the courage to knock? She had never felt so torn in her life. Her heart wanted her on the other side of that door, but it didn’t make any logical sense. She couldn’t simply turn her back on everything she knew. Her autonomy had been hard won. She’d spent her entire life fighting for it. If she relinquished it, she might never reclaim it.
Jocelyn backed up until her shoulder blades rested against the wall across from Michael’s room. If she chose to be with Michael and it didn’t work out, she could never come back. Lawrence would shun her. There would be no way for her to find work. No one would take her as a mistress when she was the discarded lover of a baron. She’d be viewed as weak, relinquishing her profession for love. That wasn’t attractive. It was one thing for a paid mistress to seek out a new benefactor, but it was an entirely different matter for a woman to give herself of her own free will to a baron and then be found lacking. No man wanted another’s castoffs, especially the castoff of a man so lowly ranked.
How had she let herself lose so much control? She should have never gone looking for a client that night. She should have just taken the night off as Lawrence had asked. Michael’s interest in her wouldn’t last.
The tears she hadn’t even realized were lurking beneath the surface fell. She slid down the wall until she sat crumpled on the floor, crying silently. She wanted to be loved. The realization hit her with breathtaking force. Despite the years spent scorning those in her profession who followed the siren’s call of love, she held the same fundamental desire. She wanted him to love her, but how could he? She had done nothing in her life that warranted his affection. He liked her now, but what about after the reality of what she had done her whole life hit him? There was no way someone like him could love someone like her. She had trapped herself with the same actions she had taken to liberate herself.
Tears gave way to sobs.
In trying to gain autonomy, she had done things that would ensure no man would ever want to marry her. It had been fine when she’d been sure she would never meet a man she wanted, but that time had come, and she had ruined it before it even began.
The door in front of her opened, and Michael rushed to her side. He wrapped his arms around her and coaxed her head to his shoulder. “Shh. It’s all right. Did he hurt you? Did that bastard do something to you?”
Jocelyn shook her head. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’ve just ruined everything.”
“You haven’t ruined anything. Let’s get you inside.” Michael helped her to her feet and led her into his room. He situated her on the sofa and sat next to her. “I’m so happy you came. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
Jocelyn tried to stop sniffling. There was no use attempting eloquence. She was sure she looked a complete mess. “I was fine before I met you. I was happy. Now I fear I’ll never be happy again.” A fresh wave of sobs overcame her. Michael’s arms encircled her. The warmth felt comforting, but it wouldn’t change anything.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you’ve ruined me. All I can do is think about you and how much I want to be with you.”
Michael chuckled. “Is that really so bad? You know I’d spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.”
Jocelyn pulled away from his embrace. “I know, but you’d fail. And if you didn’t, I know I certainly would. I’ll get fat, and then you’ll run off with a mistress, and I’ll be stuck caring for our impish children with no way out. I’ll take up drinking all day to pretend I don’t know you’re having a tryst. Then I’ll try to have a tryst of my own because I was once one of the most sought after courtesans in England, so I should be able to seduce a man. Only no one will take me because now I’m a fat drunk, not to mention rejected, spoiled goods. You’ll turn me out so you can live happily ever after with your new girl who you found in a tavern on one of your business trips, and I’ll be forced to fend for myself. Except, I won’t be able to get work because Lawrence won’t take me back, and whoring is all I know. I have absolutely no skills that anyone would find desirable or useful, and I’ll wither away in the streets all alone because right now you think you love me, and I’m foolish enough to believe it.”
It came out so quickly that Jocelyn wondered if it had all been in the same breath.
“Well then, we won’t have children, I’ll keep all the liquor locked up, I’ll take to sleeping in barns when I’m away on business to avoid the evil clutches of tavern harlots, and I’ll make love to you so much you won’t have time to get fat.”
Jocelyn tried to hold back her laughter, but the result was a mixture of sniffles, hiccups, and giggles. “You’re mocking me.”
Michael laughed freely. “Yes, I am, and I make no apologies for it. You are the most ridiculous woman I’ve ever met.”
“See, already you’re beginning to lose interest.”
“Nonsense, there’s no room in my life for sensible things. I have too many as it is. I’d be bored if you were anything other than you are.”
“Exactly. Right now, you love me the way I am. What about when I’m no longer the unattainable courtesan? You love the idea of taming me to you, but I fear you will no longer love me once the game is played out.”
“Tame you? God help the man who thinks he can tame you. I love you because I’ve looked into your soul. I know you, and what I see takes my breath away. Your mind fascinates me more than your beauty ever could, although it is quite a stroke of good fortune that you are the most exquisitely beautiful creature in all of England.”
“Still, I like my life the way it is. I like having control. I can’t relinquish that. I have to know that I’ll be all right after you tire of me.”
“Jocelyn, I’m not going to tire of you. I don’t know how to prove that to you.”
“Time and patience are the only ways. I came here tonight to tell you that you may keep seeing me in private, but I will continue to work as a courtesan, and you may not interfere. I need that part of my life, the security and familiarity. It’s the only life I know.”
Michael shifted his weight and set his jaw, looking away. A long moment passed before he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. He turned to face her fully and took her hands in his. “How am I supposed to be with you, love you completely, knowing you’ll be running off to another man’s bed? I understand your need for autonomy. I don’t want to take that from you. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to stomach the thought of other men touching you.”
“Don’t think about it. Can’t this be enough for now? I’m not going to refuse the work Lawrence gives me. I won’t turn away from the one man who has been there for me my entire life. After you’ve gone, he’s going to be the one to pick up the pieces of my heart. He has given me everything. If I stop working, it would be betraying him. He would withdraw his protection. I can’t even let him know that I’m seeing you.”
“That’s not love, Jocelyn. I would never turn you away. I’ll take care of you.”
“You say that now, but when you grow bored of me—and you will, all men do—I’ll need Lawrence’s protection. These are my conditions. Take them or leave them.” Jocelyn didn’t enjoy the pained look in Michael’s eyes. The usually tranquil gray clouded over with hurt.
“Fine. Have it your way, Jocelyn. I’ve come to you and offered you my heart. How can I start out by
denying you your only request thus far? I’ll not interfere with your work, but you must agree never to discuss it with me. I won’t be held responsible for anything I might do to your patrons should you divulge details to me.”
“Of course. I’m not a callous, heartless wench. I know what I’m asking of you is incredibly unfair. This is completely new territory for me. I’ve got to hold on to the only support I’ve ever known. Besides, if tonight is any indication, I won’t be getting much work anyway now that thoughts of you distract me from doing my job properly.”
“We’ll take things slowly, and see where it leads us. There’s no need to rush. We have the rest of our lives together. The prize is worth the slow start.”
“A prize already won is often forgotten. You’ll be hard pressed to win me for no other reason than that.”
Michael chuckled. “A prize won is a prize enjoyed. I’m willing to start slowly, but only because it serves my purpose of having you all to myself. All of you. You’ll soon find I’m a terribly selfish man. Now, shall I escort you home?”
Jocelyn’s eyes widened. She had expected they would spend the night together.
“Don’t worry. It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s more that I want all of you. I’m not one of your patrons, and I’ll not be treated as such. You don’t realize yet that you’re in love with me. When you do, you’ll give yourself to me, and that night is not tonight. I’ll only take you to bed when you’re mine and no one else’s. I told you, I’m selfish. I don’t share.” He reached forward and traced a line down the side of her face. The small touch was exhilarating.
“I’m not going to give up my clients for you, and I’d rather it was me warming your bed instead of someone else. I’m selfish too.”
“No one else will be in my bed. I promise you that. I can tolerate a little celibacy if it means having you.”
Fates Entwined Page 4
