“Upset? No. I’m just wondering why it is you felt you couldn’t share this with me sooner. Why do you think it is you didn’t tell me right away?”
This was not the reaction she’d expected. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. I needed to think of a way to tell you.”
“It seems to me that if this was really the happy news it should be, you wouldn’t have been able to wait to tell me. Since when have I begrudged you happiness?”
Lawrence had a point. He had only ever wanted the best for her. “I was worried.”
“Perhaps you were worried because, in your heart, you know this isn’t the right decision for you. If it was, you would have told me. How can something be right if you needed to hide it from me, the person who has raised and cared for you?”
Was Lawrence correct? “I love him.”
“I don’t doubt that you do, my dear. You are a very loving person. It’s why I’ve taught you to be vigilant. A part of you cares for every man you bed.”
“It’s not like that, Lawrence. It’s not a simple diversion. We haven’t even bedded each other yet. He refused to until I ceased working as a courtesan.”
Lawrence appeared taken aback. “Is he not secure in your love? Why would he need to place such conditions?”
“He didn’t want to sully our relationship. He wanted to show that he cherishes me.” It had been one of the ways he’d separated himself from the other men who had made similar claims of love.
“That’s one way of looking at it. It could also be construed as manipulating you into something you don’t want. If he was really in love with you and you with him, then what would be the harm in taking you to bed? If he could win you without coercion, then why use it?”
“I’ve never once sensed that he was trying to manipulate me.”
“That’s because you’ve been blinded by love. You’ve seen it yourself in others. This is why I always want you to confide in me, so I can help you see what you may be overlooking. You’re only one woman, Jocelyn. You can’t be expected to always be perfect in your observations. It hurts me that you wouldn’t talk to me about any of this and let me share in your excitement and guide you.”
Guilt weighed heavily on her heart. She had been foolish and cruel to ascribe motives to Lawrence that weren’t there. She had been misdirecting her own feelings and insecurities onto him. “I’m sorry, Lawrence. It was never my intention to hurt you.”
“I know it wasn’t, my dear. Why don’t we try to mend it? Let me advise you as I would have if you had you come to me earlier. Have you thought of everything you’d be giving up if you marry him?”
“I’d be giving up my work, but Michael has promised me that he does not want me giving up my autonomy.”
“How would that work? An earl’s wife cannot have autonomy. Every woman is governed by her husband, even more so when that husband is noble and looking for advancement.”
“Michael isn’t trying to become influential. His only interests in court lie in securing his family’s future. He knows I am most comfortable here and will allow me to continue coming to court and exerting my influence.”
“And what if your desires run contrary to your husband’s? What if he is petitioning the king for one thing when you would like another?”
Jocelyn shook her head. “That won’t happen. We will discuss everything. We would never put forth anything other than a united front.”
“All right. What about children? You said it yourself. His interests lie in securing his family. You will be expected to produce an heir.”
“He’s more interested in securing advantageous marriages for his sister-in-law and her children.”
Lawrence nodded. “Well, it seems like you’ve discussed it all with him. You’re wise to do so before you’re married. However, how do you know you can trust his word? How do you know he won’t change his mind after you’re married? Once you bind yourself to him, you will have no recourse should he decide to betray your trust.”
“He wouldn’t do that, Lawrence. You don’t know him like I do.”
“And whose fault is that?”
Lawrence’s tone was gentle, but his words stabbed her. “I will remedy that. As soon as he returns, I will make it a priority for you two to get to know one another.”
“I would like that. Just keep in mind that you are quite the prize, Jocelyn. There isn’t a man at court who doesn’t desire you. To be able to lay claim to being the man who tamed you would be heady for anyone. However, this is marriage. He was recently engaged to the Lady Jane and broke that off. How do you know he won’t dissolve this engagement in favor of a high-born woman?”
“I’m the one who dissolved that arrangement. He doesn’t want a marriage to a noblewoman. He wants me.”
“So he asked you to save him from having to keep a commitment he made? How can such a man be trusted to keep other commitments?”
Jocelyn shook her head. Too many thoughts swarmed around her mind. Lawrence’s words made sense, but she knew Michael, knew what she felt around him. Had she really been blinded by emotion? “What you’re suggesting won’t happen.”
“I hope not, Jocelyn. I only want to protect you. That’s been my charge since you first came to me as a girl. Now you’re a woman who probably thinks she has outgrown the need for my protection, but I will never withdraw it.”
Tears welled in her eyes. Every fear she had harbored had been incorrect. How could she have doubted Lawrence’s devotion to her? “That’s what I feared the most.”
“See? You were incorrect about that, so it’s possible you’re not right about everything. All I ask is that you take this time to really think about whether this is what you want. There’s no shame in admitting you were wrong. Better to find out now than when it’s too late. There’s no need to rush anything. If he is really as wonderful as you say, he won’t begrudge you the time to ensure that this is the proper course for you. When he returns to London, you can introduce us properly, and we can go about this the way we should have from the beginning.”
Jocelyn nodded. She had been blessed with a multitude of people who cared about her. Everything Lawrence had said made sense. It would be wise to heed his counsel. “Thank you, Lawrence. I’ll bear that in mind.”
“I’ll clear your schedule so you can take the time you need to think undisturbed. There’s no need for you to keep feigning illness or making other excuses to extricate yourself from engagements.”
Yet another deceit she had pushed onto Lawrence. He always gave her what she needed if she asked for it. Maybe he was right. Maybe she had rushed into her relationship with Michael because she didn’t know how to ask for the time she needed. If it was true with Lawrence, there was no reason to believe it wasn’t true with Michael. “I appreciate that. You’re too kind to me, Lawrence.”
“You’ve always been my weakness.” Lawrence kissed her cheek and left.
Jocelyn’s mind whirled. That hadn’t gone at all as she’d expected. A part of her couldn’t wait for Michael to return so she could talk through all this with him, but she knew she needed to spend some time on her own, without his influence. Lawrence would never lead her down a path that would cause her harm. In her heart, she knew Michael wouldn’t either, but she couldn’t afford to make this decision lightly. How could the two men who loved her most have such different ideas about what was best for her? It was time for her to decide which path she thought correct, independent of the men in her life.
* * *
Chapter 32
Mary’s blood slid down Lawrence’s throat, warm and thick. He pulled away. If he took much more, she wouldn’t have enough energy to bring him to completion. As soon as his lips released her, she moved into a better position and moved her hips in earnest. His pleasure built, increasing until—
“Son, I must speak with you.”
Damn. He couldn’t afford to ignore Zenas, not after how he had handled the baobhan sith issue and with Jocelyn’s situation so precarious.
Lawrence pulled Mary to him and sucked enough blood from her neck that she fainted. It was the quickest way to be rid of her without the awkwardness of ending things before he finished.
“Yes, Sire?”
“Your time in London is coming to a close. Jonathan and Lucinda have been in Scotland too long. I want you to take their place. I promised you I’d turn the girl, so it needs to happen soon. I’m coming to you. It’ll be quicker than you bringing her to me.”
No. He needed to stall without rousing suspicion. He’d already have to beg forgiveness for changing her himself when the time came. He couldn’t afford for Zenas to have any idea he’d planned to disobey him from the beginning. “Thank you, Sire. Before you turn her, is there any particular outcome you’d like in regards to possible war with Spain?” Perhaps he could convince him to let her live long enough to exert influence.
“I don’t particularly care what that superstitious fool does. If you can’t get him to stop burning witches, nobody can. The whole affair bores me.”
“There’s still much uncertainty here. If Charles does not marry the infanta, war may result. Mightn’t it be better to wait and see how it evolves before ridding yourself of the influence Jocelyn and I exert? Buckingham and Charles are talking about going to Spain themselves to urge matters along.”
A moment of silence dragged on until Lawrence feared he had said too much.
“Is there some other reason you wish to delay?”
He needed to wrap his deceit in truth. Otherwise, when the truth was revealed, Zenas might recognize his plan. The words he spoke now would cushion the blow of his betrayal when it came. “I admit I do not wish to see Jocelyn turned at this precise moment. The timing isn’t good.”
“I know you want to see her improve more, but you’ll have the rest of time to hone her skills. Meanwhile, I want you in Scotland. I need Jonathan and Lucinda elsewhere. Scotland is unimportant and will provide a nice place for Jocelyn to make her transition. She cannot stay in London once she is transformed.”
“Of course, Sire. Therein lies my concern. I didn’t want to bother you with such trivial matters, but she fancies herself in love. It will pass. I’m sure of it. I think it would be better if we waited until then. I don’t want her to resent me later.” Now when he told the story of her transformation, Zenas wouldn’t be taken by surprise with the introduction of Michael.
“Ah, why didn’t you say so? I would not deny you your mate. You’ve already endured too many heartaches. I trust your judgment, but I’m warning you, Lawrence, my patience is not infinite. I want you in Scotland within a month, so do what you must to push matters along.”
“Of course, Sire. No one is more excited to see her transformed than I.”
“I look forward to meeting her within the month.”
Lawrence contained his anger. It wouldn’t serve him. He needed a clear head to think of how to set his plan into motion. Michael hadn’t yet returned to London, and Lawrence had no idea when he might arrive. It was crucial that he be present when Jocelyn transformed. He couldn’t risk her ties to Michael ruining everything he’d been waiting for.
The heightened schedule didn’t have to change anything. Chances were Michael would be in London soon. Lawrence had sensed his love for Jocelyn when he’d seen him at court. Common sense said he wouldn’t spend any more time away from her than necessary. If the man was smart, he would act quickly before Jocelyn could change her mind.
Within a month, he’d be in Scotland with his first daughter, or he’d be dead by his sire’s hand. All Zenas had done was remind him that he could not risk failure.
* * *
Chapter 33
Michael could hardly contain his excitement. It felt as if it had been ages since he’d seen Jocelyn. He had sent a messenger ahead to let her know he was coming. His hope was that she would be home so he could see her privately right away. She would want to know how his trip had gone, and he wanted simply to see her.
Anne showed him into the parlor, and he waited for Jocelyn to join him. He paced, stopped to look at the amber and gold music box on the mantle, and then proceeded to pace some more. After all his waiting, he couldn’t be expected to stand still.
“You’ll wear a hole in my carpet if you’re not careful.”
Michael twirled and strode to Jocelyn, lifting her off her feet in an embrace. The lilac scent of her hair was enough to make his heart flip. God, he had missed her. He couldn’t wait to marry her. Even then, he knew they couldn’t spend all their time together. He desperately wanted to spend some time alone with her. Maybe after the wedding, he would cart her off for some time away from court and his family.
He set Jocelyn back on her feet and cupped her face. “I missed you so much.” Her hazel eyes were so comforting, her skin so soft, her lips so inviting.
“I couldn’t tell.” Jocelyn’s smirk was too tempting to ignore. Michael covered her mouth with his. Those lips were exactly as soft as they looked. They tasted even better. Michael’s tongue slid over her lips before sucking the bottom one into his mouth. All it did was make him desire her more. His tongue entered her mouth, wanting to devour her. Michael knew his lust wouldn’t be sated.
“Let’s get married now.”
Jocelyn laughed. “Did your visit with your family go well?”
“Yes.” Michael led her to the sofa and sat next to her. “They’ll be coming as soon as we can arrange lodgings for them.”
“I thought about that while you were away. We have several options.”
“Yes, and we can discuss all of them later. Right now, I want to hear about you. Did you tell Lawrence?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
Nervousness crept into her eyes. “He thinks I may be rushing into this.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“He brought up several compelling reasons why I shouldn’t marry you. He called your motives into question.”
Heat rushed to Michael’s skin. “What right does he have to question me? He doesn’t even know me.”
“That’s part of the problem. Anyway, he gave me a lot to think about, and I did.”
Michael’s stomach cramped with anxiety. “And what conclusions did you come to?”
Jocelyn tightened her grip on his hand. “I know that I’m meant to marry you, Michael. I’ve never wanted anything more. The very thought of it is liberating, as if I’m choosing something I’ve yearned for my whole life without ever knowing it even existed. That’s not the issue.”
Michael released the breath he’d held while she spoke. “Then what is?”
“While Lawrence may have been overly cautious in his concern for me, he was right about one thing. I should have included him in this from the beginning. I wasn’t fair to him. I expected the worst when there was nothing in my history with him to justify the worry. It isn’t fair to expect him to approve when he hasn’t been given the opportunity to know you. All he knows is that I’ve always detested the idea of marriage. Now I’m betrothed. That’s quite a change. What is he supposed to think? It’s not reasonable to expect him to understand when he hasn’t had the chance to see us together and how much we love each other.”
Michael saw in her eyes that she believed every word. “I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think he’s going to change his mind about me after he meets me. Every time I’ve seen him at court, he’s given me a look of contempt.”
“That’s only because he’s not a fool, and we were playing him for one. I have no doubt that he knew about us long before I told him. I’ve never been able to keep secrets from him. That’s why this has been all the more painful for him. He’s watched me lie to him. It’s only to be expected that he would feel hurt.”
“I love that you see the best in him.” God knew Michael didn’t see any of it. He loved her tender heart, but he feared it didn’t serve her well.
“It would also do you some good to get to know him. He’s practically my father. It’ll be him who
gives me away to you at our wedding. I can’t have the two most important men in my life not getting along.”
Michael wasn’t convinced, but he would do anything for Jocelyn. “Fine. I understand what you’re saying, and I’ll do my best. Any time you want the three of us to meet, I’m game.”
Jocelyn smiled and threw her arms around him. Any number of awkward meetings with Lawrence were worth making her look so utterly happy. Nothing was as wonderful as feeling her wrapped around him, holding him, trusting and loving him. “Thank you, Michael. I knew you’d understand.”
When they separated, he spoke. “So, when do you suppose our first meeting will be? I should be prepared.”
“Stop. You’ll do wonderfully. He won’t know how to not like you once you’re introduced properly. He’s always told me I have excellent taste.”
Michael smiled and pretended to puff himself up. “Yes, I suppose you do.”
Jocelyn giggled, and his smile widened. He loved that sound. It was different than the airy giggles she performed at court. He settled back in his seat to listen to what she had to say.
“I’m guessing you haven’t been to King’s Head yet?”
“You guess correctly.”
“Then how about you go freshen up, and I’ll speak with Lawrence to see when he would like to meet you?”
“Very well. Are we seeing each other later today?”
“Of course. I’ll send a message for you when I’m done with Lawrence.”
“Marvelous. I’ll leave you to your task.” Instead of pulling her into a kiss, he lifted her hand to his lips. “Until later, my lady.”
Walking to King’s Head, Michael could hardly contain his grin. He knew he must look like a fool. Lawrence had tried his best to take Jocelyn from him, and he had failed. She was a strong woman and would not be manipulated or so easily swayed. Michael detested the thought of having to spend any time with Lawrence, but he respected Jocelyn’s wishes. It was a small price to pay to be with her forever. Besides, it wasn’t as if Lawrence could do anything to threaten his happiness.
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