by Lori Wilde
“It wasn’t what you said, it was your tone.”
“What tone?”
“That macho man I’m-in-charge-listen-to-me tone.”
What? Okay, she was just lashing out. She was upset and obviously, anything he said or did or didn’t say or do was going to piss her off. He was behind the eight ball and there wasn’t anything he could do about it except wait for the thundercloud feelings to pass. Hormones. It was her hormones.
“How did this happen?” she moaned.
“Um . . . the condom broke, and you weren’t on an alternative form of birth control.”
“I was speaking rhetorically. I was so careful. My whole life I’ve been careful. I took the safe jobs. Dated the safe guys. Keep things neat and clean and tidy. Until LA. Until you. And now, boom! The biggest mess of all. You.”
Shit. Ryder didn’t know what to do. It tore him up to see her like this. In so much distress. And he was the cause of it. He might not be good at talking about his feelings or confronting emotions, but there was one thing he was good at.
Taking action.
Ignoring her stop-sign hands, he wrapped an arm around her waist, tugged her to her feet, pulled her up tight against him.
She gasped, stared up in his face looking affronted, but behind the irritation he saw relief. As stubbornly independent as she was, Katie wanted him to take charge. To tell her everything was going to be okay. That he was in the driver’s seat and he’d make sure nothing or no one ever hurt her. That she was forever safe in his arms.
That look went straight to his head, and before he could think of a more romantic way to do it, he blurted, “We’re getting married.”
“No,” Katie said.
He reeled backward, blinked as if she’d slapped him hard across the face. “What?”
“I’m not going to marry you just because I’m pregnant. This is the twenty-first century. All those old-fashioned ideas fell away a long time ago. You don’t have to marry me just because you knocked me up.”
“I know I don’t have to marry you. I want to marry you.”
“Now you do. After you found out about the baby.”
“Of course. I’m not going to let my kid grow up without a name, or his father.”
“You can give him your name, and you can be around him. We’ll share joint custody, but we’re not getting married.”
“Give me one good reason why not?”
“Because I want you to love me for me, not just because I’m having your baby.”
“Katie, I want you.”
“But do you love me, Ryder? Because that’s what I need. Someone to love me.”
“I do.”
“Do what?”
“You know.” He shifted uncomfortably.
“Love me?”
“Yeah.”
“Then say it.”
“Katie—”
“You can’t say it, can you? What’s wrong with you that you can’t say the word?”
She was right. He loved her more than he loved breathing, but he couldn’t actually speak the words. They got hung up in his mouth like dry crackers. He’d not ever told any woman—other than his mother—that he loved her.
Things had gotten twisted up in his mind when he was a kid. He loved his mother and he told her he loved her every day. In fact, had told her that the very day he’d gone off to school and left the Tonka dump truck on the porch, and she’d fallen off and broke her neck. I loved her and she died.
It wasn’t rational. He knew that. But somehow part of him believed that if he actually said the words “I love you,” the universe or fate or God or whatever would know he was happy and take it all away.
Just like it had taken his mother.
“I love you, Ryder Southerland, with all my heart and soul, but until you can stand in front of me and say those words to my face, we cannot be together. Because that’s what I deserve. A man who loves me for all he’s worth, and can tell me so. I refuse to settle for anything less.”
Chapter 24
She was being irrational, Katie knew it. But the minute she’d seen that plus sign, a fierce protectiveness came over her and she was determined to do whatever was right for this baby, and that meant putting all her own wants and needs aside. This baby deserved a mother and father who loved each other. And if they didn’t love each other, then they shouldn’t get married. They could still be great parents without being married. They could love the baby, even if they didn’t love each other.
But could Ryder love the baby? Could he love anyone at all?
She felt wretched because she loved Ryder so very much. Had loved him since she was fifteen, but she didn’t know if he loved her. Yes, he liked her. Yes, they had chemistry. Yes, the sex was off the charts. Yes, he respected her. Yes, he treated her kindly.
So why couldn’t he say that he loved her? All she could deduce was that he did not.
She turned and fled from the barn, anxious to get to her car and get away before he could see that she was crying.
“Katie!” he hollered, and ran after her.
She didn’t go to him, but kept walking as fast as she dared. She didn’t want to risk tripping and falling and hurting the baby.
“Katie.” Ryder caught up to her, grabbed her elbow, spun her around to face him. “Miss Priss,” he said in a desperate tone, as if using the name to get through to her.
Her lips were trembling, her eyes damp.
“Katie Cheek, I want you, dammit.”
“Not enough.”
“I can’t say it.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re Joe’s sister. Because I can’t betray your mom and dad like that. They took me in. How could I fall for their daughter? So I stuffed my feelings down inside. Until that day you kissed me and I knew I couldn’t stuff them down anymore, so I joined the army, because I couldn’t stay in Twilight and be around you but not be with you.”
“Let me get this straight, you could have sex with me, that was fine, but you can’t love me because of my brother and my parents.”
“I’m making a mess of this.”
“Yes. Yes you are.”
“I’ve always liked you. I liked you when you were fifteen and kissed me,” he said.
“I was an ugly duckling and you were the most handsome boy in school. Why did you like me?”
“I could see how beautiful you were going to be without the glasses and the braces and the frizzy hair, and the guys that couldn’t see that were flaming idiots. But more than that, Katie, I admired your heart. You’re so kind and generous and giving. And I respected your sense of order and the way you keep things neat and tidy. It made me believe in a better world.”
“Oh Ryder,” she whispered. It sounded so good. How she wanted to believe it. But how could she believe him when he’d never even hinted at any of this until now? Until he discovered she was pregnant, and he wanted to convince her to marry him?
And while he’d danced all around it, he still had not actually said the words she so badly needed to hear.
How easy it would be to close her eyes, let him take the reins, and believe that he loved her the way she loved him, and that he didn’t need to say it. He could just show it. It would be that easy to get swept away. She’d done it before. With Matt. And she hadn’t loved him half as much as she loved Ryder.
“Marry me, Katie. Let’s get married.”
She placed a hand on his chest, peered deeply into his eyes. “No.”
“Shit.” He tore at his hair with his hands.
“Calm down. Let’s take a deep breath and back up a minute.”
“Okay.” He eyed her suspiciously.
“We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Sometimes home pregnancy tests give false positives. Let’s cool our jets. The wedding is next week. Christmas is next week. I’ll make an appointment with the doctor for the week after that. When the doctor confirms I’m pregnant, we’ll revisit your proposal, but for now, let’s focus on first things first. Getti
ng Gabi and Joe married off.”
He cocked his head, studied her for a long moment. She saw an emotional tug of war going on behind his eyes, but had no idea what it was about. “All right.”
Wrong answer! She wanted him to say he wanted to marry her no matter if there was a baby or not.
He chucked her lightly under the chin, pulled her into his arms. Held her head against his shoulder and rocked her gently back and forth. As she listened to his rhythmic breathing, felt his body heat radiating through her, she couldn’t help feeling her heartfelt dreams, which had seemed within fingertip’s reach just yesterday, were rapidly drifting away.
Thankfully, there was so much holiday/wedding activity, Katie didn’t have much time to dwell on her situation. During the day, she could turn it off, shift her thoughts, stay busy. But the nights were a different story.
At night she dreamed of babies. Chubby ones. Skinny ones. Boy babies. Girl babies. Happy babies. Sad babies. She couldn’t control her dreams. And several times that week, she woke in the middle of the night, thinking she heard the sound of a baby crying, or with her hand on her womb and a smile on her face.
She didn’t see Ryder much. He’d learned the ranch was about to go into foreclosure and he’d been working with the banks and financial adviser to come up with a solution. She understood that the ranch and Jax took top priority right now, and actually, she was a little relieved. If Ryder was around a lot, they’d end up talking about the baby, even though they’d both promised to hold off until after the wedding when Katie had a chance to see her doctor.
But he would send her texts. If boy, what do u think of Luke?
As in Luke, I’m your father? she texted back.
Scratch that. Followed by: Harley?
No!
Spike?
We’re not doing this.
Right. 2 B continued next week.
She laughed and turned off her phone. He was a persistent man. She would give him that.
They saw each other at the wedding shower. The guys had congregated at one end of the house to watch a boxing match, while most of the women hung out in the kitchen drinking wine, eating Christmas cookies, and watching Gabi open presents.
At one point, he pulled her aside to say, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“No nausea?”
“It’s way too soon for that.”
“You know, you shouldn’t be emptying Harry’s kitty litter. Cat poop is dangerous to pregnant mothers. I’m coming over to empty the litter box for you.”
“I can get Jana to do it.”
“Does your health insurance have a good maternity plan?”
“Ryder,” she muttered. “Cool it. Did you know almost thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage?”
He looked shocked. “That high?”
“That high.”
“Oh.” He bobbed his head. “Next week. After the wedding.”
“After the wedding,” she echoed, and they went back to their respective areas of the house.
Ryder didn’t know what to do.
He wanted to be with Katie, to touch her, hold her, talk about the baby. But she was throwing up “yield” and “cautious” body language and he wanted to respect that. He knew she was working through something, so he held back when everything inside him urged him to go over to her house and tell her he was moving in whether she liked it or not.
But he respected her too much to ignore her desires.
Besides, he had his hands full at the ranch. Things between him and Jax had gotten marginally better. At least the old man was saying, “Good morning” now, which was something. They argued about everything, but nothing new there.
Ryder had staved off the foreclosure from the second mortgage his father had taken out on the place. From what he could gather, Jax had done that a few years back to pay off the credit cards Twyla had run up then, but she’d just run them back up again.
But his efforts were just a stop-gap measure. He’d used his own funds to pay the overdue payments, but Jax didn’t have the income to keep paying on the property. The only solution Ryder saw was to sell the place. Jax, however, wouldn’t hear of it.
He’d bought his father some time. For now, the wedding and Christmas took center stage.
Friday, December 23, following the church rehearsal, the dinner was being held back at Chez Genevieve on the Brazos River, where they’d had dinner during the bachelor/bachelorette party.
He’d bought a special gift for the baby, and brought it along. Maybe he’d have a chance to slip it to Katie when no one else was around. Yes, he’d told her he would wait until next week, but he’d seen it in Jessie Calloway’s motorcycle shop in town and he’d just had to buy it.
When he walked into the restaurant with the present tucked inside a holiday gift bag, he spotted Katie standing in the waiting area. She looked so beautiful with her hair tucked in an upsweep with a silver ornament, his mother’s heart pendant at her throat, and wearing a shimmery red dress that it took his breath away. A year ago on this very day, she’d been wearing another red dress. His pulse beat an insane rhythm and his heart literally lurched in his chest.
“Hey there.” He smiled. “Are we the first ones here?”
“No,” she said. “The parents are in the banquet room with the bride and groom. Still waiting on the other members of the wedding. But I needed to get you alone before we go in.” She looked solemn and her expression struck a chord of fear in him.
“Okay,” he said, glancing around. “Where can we go?”
“Out on the patio.” She gestured to the outside deck along the river where no one was.
“It’s cold.”
She reached for her coat on the coatrack, draped it around herself. “We won’t be out there long.”
He hurried ahead of her to open the door leading to the deck. A cold draft of air blew in around him. Her legs must be freezing. He took her hand, positioned her against the outside wall and moved to stand in front of her to block the wind coming in off the river.
“I got something for you. I wanted to give it to you in private, but since we’re not getting much alone time these days . . .” He inhaled deeply. “I miss you, Katie.”
Her smile was halfhearted, but her words were warm, and she said it like she meant it. “I miss you too, Ryder.”
“Go ahead and open it.” He pushed the sack toward her.
She opened the sack, looked inside at the little leather Harley jacket, pressed her lips together in a firm line.
“Like father, like son.” He waited for her to smile. He expected a smile. “I know, I know, I’m jumping the gun, it might be a girl, but I couldn’t resist.”
Katie’s face froze into an unreadable mask, her skin blanched pale as snow. She thrust the jacket at him. “Take this.”
“Ah, come on, sweetheart. I know you’re irritated that I didn’t wait after I promised I’d wait, but I was so excited—”
“I got my period,” she said crisply.
Ryder stood holding the tiny baby motorcycle jacket in his big hands. Took the first hit of emotions like mortar fire. On his feet and scared shitless. No baby. No need for the jacket.
I can sell it on eBay, he thought. For sale: Baby jacket, never used.
Salt flooded his mouth, and he realized it was tears that hadn’t reached his eyes.
“I was bleeding a lot, so I called my doctor and she got me in this morning,” Katie went on matter-of-factly, her voice steady and clear as if she was reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Her calmness amazed him. He felt as if he’d taken a cannonball to the gut and she looked as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
“My doctor confirmed that I had been pregnant but lost it early. It’s called a chemical pregnancy. That just means it’s a very early miscarriage. She said most women who have a chemical pregnancy don’t ever even know they were pregnant. I probably wouldn’t have known except the condom broke.”
&nbs
p; “How are you?” he croaked, rooting his feet into the floorboards in order to hold him upright, keep his knees from buckling. He wanted to go hold her, but he was afraid he would fall over if he moved. So he just kept standing there squeezing the little scrap of leather in his fist.
“I’m fine.” She pressed a hand to her womb. “The bleeding is a little heavier than normal, but—”
“I meant emotionally. How are you feeling?”
“Numb.” She nodded. “But I’m okay. I mean it was only a few weeks. It wasn’t like . . .” She gulped. “. . . months. My doctor said not to be surprised if it all hits me later. Right now it doesn’t even feel real.”
“It was real to me,” he said.
“I didn’t mean the baby wasn’t real. It was such a mental adjustment, I’d barely settled into the idea of a baby, when whoosh, she’s gone.”
“It was a girl?”
“Ryder,” she said kindly. “It was way too soon to tell. I just thought of her as a girl.”
“I would like to have called her Lucy after my mother.”
“Ryder . . . please. Don’t. Just don’t.”
He swallowed, felt as if a wrecking ball had smashed in his chest. He was dazed. Confused. “Well . . . well . . .”
“It’s going to be all right.” She reached out to rub a palm over his upper arm. “Look at it this way. You don’t have to marry me now.”
She looked so calm about it. Relieved even? Was she glad she didn’t have to marry him?
“Yeah.” He nodded, his hand clenched so tightly around the baby jacket he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to unclench it. “Sure.”
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“I’m sick to my stomach, but I haven’t eaten today. I should have eaten.”
“I don’t mean physically,” she said. “I mean emotionally.”
“No,” he said. “I’m not all right. I had this image in my head, you know? Of the baby. Of being a dad. Of taking the kid to the park and teaching him how to tie his shoes and ride a bike and throw a baseball. And I liked the idea. I liked it a lot.”
“I did too,” she said softly.
They looked at each other. She was a strong woman. A lot stronger than he’d thought, and damn if he didn’t resent her for it. He needed her to need him. He needed to comfort her, but she was holding on without him.
