by Kat Bostick
Charlie and Clem silently led Mari back to the house. She was scarcely aware of her surroundings as her brain whirred madly. Finding the pack was not the respite she expected. There were big decisions to be made with far too much responsibility on her shoulders. Mari didn’t feel equipped to handle any of this. She wanted someone to talk to—someone normal and unbiased—but she couldn’t exactly call her best friend and ask for advice.
Well, at least Mari finally had a story that topped the time Aubrey accidentally went on a blind date with their old math teacher.
Chapter 32
Mari
Jasper was pacing frantically in his bedroom when Mari returned from her walk with the alpha. “If Charlie sends you away, I’m leaving too.”
She sat stiffly on the edge of the bed. “Don’t be rash.”
“Mari,” He knelt on the floor at her feet and put a hand on her thigh. It was far too intimate a touch. Her heart started to race and before she could stop herself she was scrambling up onto the bed. Sorrow darkened his face. “Sweet Mari,”
She put her back to the wall and hugged her knees to calm herself. “Charlie didn’t order me to leave.” A relieved breath from Jasper made her feel guilty enough that she rushed through the rest. “But he made some good points about my options. I’m a witch, not a werewolf. I belong in a coven. I can’t fit into a pack. There’s no place for me here. And I need to learn to use my magic properly. A coven can teach me to practice. Now that you found your pack and your curse is broken, you don’t need me anyway.”
Jasper put one arm on the bed, then another. With cautious but deliberate movement he crawled across the mattress until he was close enough for the heat of his breath to warm the skin on her legs. He was careful not to touch her, keeping his head low. His eyes, however, were burning into her. Mari tried to look away but she was helplessly drawn into the depths of those green pools. She saw the desperation there. And the hurt. It hurt so much to hurt him. Suddenly she wanted to take her words back.
“You will always have a place here. My home is as much yours as my heart.” He put a hand over his chest. “And I will always need you.” Jasper was wrong. He didn’t need her. He didn’t even need her magic. He was strong on his own. She told him that. In response he howled a mournful noise. “I need you. Not your magic.”
“As a member of the pack, I can’t join a coven. My loyalty would lie solely with the wolves.” She covered her face so she didn’t have to see his eyes. “I can never learn from other witches and practice with them, something I’ve dreamed of doing my whole life, Jasper.”
Mari decided not to mention that she was almost certain there were no covens full of witches with magic like hers. No doubt there were other witches who performed earth magic out there but she had no idea where to find them. And when she did, they had no reason to accept her. She was an untrained witch with poor control over her power. More than anything she was a risk. And she was also at risk.
Jasper’s run in with a witch gave Mari irrefutable proof that there were witches who practiced black magic. If she was even capable of finding a coven it might be just her luck that it turned out to be one with dark intentions. It could even be Lyses’ coven. Mari didn’t know what she would do if she encountered that. She didn’t want to practice black magic herself and she suspected that admitting as much to a coven like Lyses’ wouldn’t end well for her.
How the hell did a witch even go about finding a coven anyway? Mari didn’t have the faintest clue. Should she put an ad in the phone book? Maybe search for a private Facebook group?
And there was the biggest concern of all, the one that she was avoiding just as she avoided looking at Jasper; if she didn’t stay, she couldn’t come back. Charlie hadn’t threatened to kill her for returning if she decided to leave but she understood she wasn’t welcome to come and go. Werewolves were private creatures—for good reason—and didn’t want outsiders in their business. If she stayed and agreed to be Jasper’s mate the tension would eventually ease. But the longer she was here in limbo between decisions, the more it would become a problem.
“Mari, please.”
“I trusted you.” She started in a whisper but as she let the core of her feelings—the pain of his betrayal—finally come to the surface, her voice rose to a shrill cry. “I trusted you more than anyone!”
Jasper looked confused. “You can always trust me.”
“No, I can’t! You tricked me. You made me your mate without giving me a real choice. I didn’t know what any of it meant.”
“A real choice?” The dismay in his eyes was genuine. “You saw me. You accepted my gift. You spoke the words.”
“What words, Jasper?” She snapped. “I saw you while I was jacked up on moon magic and you thought what? That gave you the right to claim my soul?”
“I have not claimed your soul any more than you have claimed mine, Mari.” His words were quiet and flat. “I thought you understood. I thought it was what you wanted.”
“Was it what you wanted?” Father Above, she was trying to be mad at him for destroying her trust and there she went voicing her insecurities. Why did it matter if it wasn’t what Jasper wanted? He did it anyway, knowing he would be stuck with her.
“More than anything.” He extended a hand to touch her face but thought better of it and stopped halfway there. “You are the most precious gift the divine has ever given me.”
“That’s the problem, Jas! I’m not a gift that someone gave you. I’m not some magical weapon for the pack to wield. I’m me. I’m Mari. That’s who I want to be. That’s all I want to be.”
That’s a big fat lie, Mari.
Everything in her life that was normal and easy was completely destroyed but that was the crux of it; Mari didn’t want normal. She hated that she’d chosen to accept her fate and settle into a mundane existence. Mari from six months ago would be thrilled to be here. She had power. She had allies. She had someone that cared about her.
But she had no choice. Even her damn ancestors didn’t give her a choice about her rites. Would it have killed them to explain before sending her into a moon mad frenzy and encouraging her to mate with a werewolf?
Your foremothers prepare you for what’s coming. Ah, the voice of intuition had an opinion on this matter too. A tree does not mourn over shed leaves. She only buries her roots deeper into the soil, trusting when the process is done, new growth will come.
“Shut up!” Mari snarled at herself. “What the hell does that even mean? Freaking ghost witches and their Yoda bullshit.”
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I want. Why doesn’t what I want matter to you?”
“It does.” He dipped his head and Mari realized there were tears shimmering in his eyes. “You’re free.”
“Free?”
“To leave. I would never keep you against your will. I do care about what you want so, you’re free.”
“No!” Panic tightened her chest so quickly that she was gasping for air. Tears came next, big fat ones that spilled from her eyes like an overfilled sink. “Gran’s dead and my house burned down and there is a creepy witch after us and I’m surrounded by werewolves. I don’t know a damn thing about werewolves!” How stupid could she get? She was trying to convince him that it was best if she leave yet when he told her that she could it turned her into a blubbering mess.
“I know.” Jasper put a palm on the wall beside her head and arched his back so he was leaning over her, his face right in front of hers, but still not touching her.
“I have no idea what I’m doing. I wasn’t prepared for any of this.” She clenched her jaw, letting the frustration from the powerlessness she felt take over. “And you didn’t ask me about this mating stuff! Don’t I get to choose anything? For the last four goddamned months I’ve had every decision made for me one way or another. I’ve been forced by ancestors and by—“
Anger was drowned as another wave of panic flattened her lungs. The suddenness of
the anxiety attack hit her so fast that her vision blurred and for a moment Mari was outside of her body. Why now? She’d been holding herself together so well. Numbness took the surface of her skin and she desperately wished she could disappear into nothing.
Weak. Broken. Undeserving. That was all she was. Even as she was handed the power that she prayed for her entire life, Mari was resentful of it.
The layer of ice forming on her skin melted under the warmth of Jasper’s nose. He nuzzled the side of her neck up to her ear. Then he whispered so softly she barely understood the words. “Strong. Whole. Loved.”
Had she said all of that out loud? Of course she had. One more flaw to add to her list: Can’t shut up.
Humiliation joined the swirling of emotions that was dragging her down into the dark hole she’d been struggling to claw her way out of for months. Mari didn’t want anyone to know how she viewed herself, especially not Jasper. It would only make her that much lesser to him if he knew that she made herself sick. As a wolf he was unjudging because he didn’t observe such things. As a man he could see what she was. And what she wasn’t.
Mari didn’t deserve this power. Even if she’d chosen Jasper and this life, she didn’t deserve the opportunity. She certainly didn’t deserve him. Beautiful Jasper with his warrior heart and his gentle touch. Whatever his mistakes, Mari knew he was innocent.
Deep inside of her, she could feel his presence. Sorrow, regret, and worst of all, the ache of rejection flowed from Jasper to her, filling the chambers of her heart. There was a bond between them. It was faint but it was real.
Did that matter if she couldn’t trust him? How could she if he made decisions for her without consent? How could she trust anyone ever again when all they did was take away her freedom? Even Gran and Dad were guilty of that. They took away her freedom to become the witch she truly was. She could never trust them to give her the truth.
Mari thought Jasper would always be the exception. The wolf was nothing if not honest. Then again, just because he didn’t have voice to lie to her didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of deceit. A choked cry pushed its way out of her lungs and she just wanted it all to stop. She wished the world around her, the grief and shame and resentment—everything—would just stop.
Then Jasper gathered her in his arms and, miraculously, it did. For a flicker of a second there was shock and then nothing. It wasn’t the numb nothing that overtook her a moment ago. It was peace. Strange yet familiar tranquility. Like coming home after a really God-awful day.
Jasper kept his arms where they were but was otherwise motionless as Mari buried her face in his chest. How was it possible that today was the first day she was cradled in these arms? Because it felt like she had sought refuge in Jasper for a lifetime. Until him, Mari hadn’t realized that a person could feel like home.
This seemed to be an answer. As soon as he told her that he wouldn’t make her stay, she realized that she wanted to. Wherever Jasper was, Mari wanted to be there too.
But she also wanted to be a witch. She wanted a coven and whatever came with it. She wanted to know others of her kind. And staying meant making a commitment that she didn’t know if she was ready for.
“I’m not right for you. I’ll never be one of your pack, not really.” Mari knew that wasn’t entirely true but that didn’t mean she didn’t feel unexceptional compared to him.
Jasper closed his eyes. A quiet growl gathered in his throat instead of words.
“You don’t have to say anything.”
He sighed before opening his eyes again. “I will never force you. Not to stay, not to be mated. You have the power of choice.” He took her jaw in his palms. “But I want you to be mine. I want you to stay. Honeysuckle grows around my heart and I will dream of your nectar for the rest of my life.”
Mari wasn’t entirely sure she knew what that meant but it sounded romantic. Damn, why did he have to be so smooth? “We barely know each other.”
“I know you.”
And I know you. Her heart automatically responded. Silly organ didn’t have a clue. If it was a person it would be a naïve little cherub, blinking it’s big eyes in wonder at Jasper. Not a helpful reaction to this situation.
Jasper rested his chin on her temple. “You choose. If you wish to leave, you may. If you wish for a space of your own, I will give it to. You can have your own bed and your own room. I won’t confine you. I won’t force you.”
“What if six months down the road you decide this isn’t working? Do you have to kill me if you break up with me?”
“If you wish to leave, you may.” He repeated but the look on his face told her he wasn’t happy about saying it.
“And if you wish for me to leave?”
“I would never see a world without you.”
Why? How can you possibly feel that strongly about me? Mari wanted to ask. Do I feel that way about him? She didn’t know what she felt when it came to Jasper. Too much. Too many complicated things.
“I don’t think I’m fit for this life.” She admitted weakly, angry with the tears that returned to her eyes. “I might have the magic of a Wolfseggner but I have no skill or training. I have nothing to offer you or the pack.”
“You are mistaken, Mari.” He said, wiping the moisture from her eyes. “You were created for this. You are built like a queen.”
Mari snorted. “You’ve got the wrong gal.”
He growled this time. “You carry the strength of the pack in your heart. Mother Moon granted you songs to call us to you. The power to rule is in your veins. I bow at your feet.”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
“If you stay, Charlie will ensure you learn the ways of your kind. He will find answers for you and you will see what you are.”
“How can you be so sure of what I am?”
“You speak and I listen, witch.”
Her response came hesitant. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll stay. Stay with me, Mari. Stay and I am yours in any way you would have me. I will defend you and provide for you, as you have for me.” There was no desperation in his words now, only determination.
“I don’t know, Jasper. This was supposed to be temporary. I didn’t think I would be staying with your pack forever.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “So much has changed. I don’t know what to think, who to trust.”
“You can trust me.”
No, I can’t. Not wholly, not anymore.
“I need time.” Mari said quietly. All of her life she’d made rash decisions and they led her here. Whether or not that was bad thing was yet to be determined. For once, she wanted to consider her options before diving in like a mad woman.
“You can have time.” Jasper pressed his lips over hers and immediately her doubts felt small and petty. She was ice and he was the sun and if Mari wasn’t careful, all of her would melt.
Her panic resurfaced when their lips parted and a very loud, insistent part of her made itself known with the demand that she drop her reservations and forgive Jasper. She could trust him, it claimed. She would be happy with him. Mari should forget every other desire she had in her life if it meant Jasper would kiss her like that. This was what mattered. He was what mattered.
That lovesick voice was almost worse than the vague whispers of the witch.
“I need to take a shower.” She scurried out of his grasp and off the bed, quickly snatching clothing from her storage tote and marching into the bathroom before he could say anything or stop her.
A floorboard creaked outside the bathroom and Jasper’s shadow pooled under the door. Mari hastily turned on both shower heads so she had the excuse of not hearing him if he said anything through the wood.
Her dress was clammy and she had to peel it away from her skin before stepping into the twin streams of cool water. The icy rivulets left goosebumps on her flesh but offered none of the clarity they usually did. By the time she finished rinsing the anxiety and confusion from her skin, her teeth were chattering.
<
br /> Once dry, Mari wriggled into shorts and twisted her long locks in a practical braid that swung behind her back. When she was done changing she eyed the bathroom door. She couldn’t say how long she’d been in the shower but Jasper was probably still waiting for her.
A flash of sunlight caught her attention and she turned to meet the very large bathroom window. The weathered brown of the barn took up much of the view, the forest visible beyond. Those trees looked awfully enticing right about then. Hell, even the barn would serve as a good hiding place for a half hour while she chewed on her thoughts.
The window made very little sound as she slid it open. Below was a brick wall hugged by the ambitious arms of reaching vines. Fifteen feet down, the green grass beamed up at her invitingly. Was she stupid enough to try this?
Mari knew that vines wouldn’t hold her weight and she certainly couldn’t jump out the window. If she hadn’t already sprained her ankle two days ago, leaping from the second story would be a great way to do it. And yet, two seconds later she was climbing feet first over the sill. Her toes scrambled to find purchase on the brick and for a terrifying moment she dangled there with only her arms and torso inside.
She pondered calling Jasper for help but then he would have to break the bathroom door down and she would have to explain to him why she was dangling out his bathroom window. Mari suffered enough embarrassment for one lifetime in the last two days and stubbornly decided she would rather have two sprained ankles—or broken if she was particularly unlucky—than humiliate herself. Besides, she needed space. That was why she was escaping out the window like a frenzied cat fleeing a bath.
Jasper’s affection was preventing her from thinking clearly. It wasn’t his fault that he was coming on strong but that didn’t make it any less smothering. Her life had changed more in the last four months than it had…well, ever.
How could she grieve Gran and the loss of her house—most of her life with it—all while being inserted into a household full of new people? If they were merely people it might be easier. At least people wouldn’t threaten to kill newcomers and rule breakers.
