'We're past that now. We've survived it together. I've had my advance from my publisher and she's got her new job.'
'That doesn't bother you.'
'Tell me why on earth it should.'
'I don't know if I'd like Warren to be so laid back. I guess some men don't dare to be too masculine these days.'
My skull is buzzing with impulses, one of which threatens to bare my teeth in a mirthless grin. It feels as if the expression is trying to fasten on my face as I say 'I can't imagine why you think I ought to be upset if an old friend has helped her find a better job. I'm happy for her and I'm grateful to him.'
Bebe takes a breath like a sigh in reverse. 'If I have to be crude for once to make my point, that's how it works. Do you really think that's all he's given her?'
'You're right, that's pretty damned crude. I didn't realise you imagined things like that about your own daughter.'
Bebe sinks onto the couch as if she's burdened by the pity in her eyes. 'I don't have to, Simon.'
'You aren't asking me to believe she's told you.'
'No, but Nicholas has.'
My rage doesn't quite rob me of speech. 'And what does she say about it?'
'She doesn't know he told us.'
'I think I should have a word with him. Maybe a lot more than a word.'
'It's a bit late to be male. You'd just be making a fool of yourself if nothing worse.'
'Forgive me or don't bother, but I'm not getting the impression you confronted him.'
'It took honesty and guts to own up. We admired him. If you ever met him you'd see the truth at once.'
I'm about to declare that I've met him and to treat her to my view of the truth about him when she says 'Okay, it could be that's expecting too much. I guess there are some things a mother sees clearest. Even Warren didn't straight away. But if you ever saw Mark and Nicholas together you'd know.'
At last I'm silenced. As I strive not to believe it, all I can see is how much more rectangular Mark's face is than Natalie's. Why isn't the computer producing its waves? They might help soothe my thoughts. Eventually an idea that I want to voice occurs to me. 'Look, I don't mean to be rude, but why should he have told you?'
'Because we asked him. We ran into him while we were shopping for Mark's new computer. Right away I saw the resemblance.'
'You're saying you asked him where? In the street? In a shop?'
'We aren't all anxious for fame, Simon. Some of us like to keep a few of our thoughts private.' Before I can retort that I'm doing so she says 'We invited him home and put him on his honour. There are still people who don't think that's a joke.'
'Let me tell you, you've no reason – '
'Your face says I have. Maybe you could let me finish. He hadn't heard how Natalie's career was progressing. He'd always supported Mark, we knew that from her, but now he wanted to do more for them.'
'So you lured her over.'
'Good gracious, what a way to describe inviting one's own child to come visit.'
'Did I figure in the discussion?'
'We told Nicholas she was seeing somebody she used to work with. She didn't mention you herself.'
If any more questions need to be asked, I don't think I want to voice them, certainly not to Bebe. My face may be expressing this, since she has found a cue to stand up. 'Well, I expect I've given you a lot to ponder,' she says, 'and you have your work as well. I guess it's time I left you by yourself.'
I won't be. I'll have the entire Internet with me, only for research, of course, though in fact for distraction. I'm reaching for the mouse, to look busy yet unflustered for at least as long as Bebe is in the room, when she rests a hand on my desk. 'You'll excuse me for saying this,' she says, 'but you've made the place look cheap.' She takes her footsteps that no longer sound at all like Natalie's out of the apartment, and as the door shuts, the computer rediscovers the sound of waves. The chatter of ripples is far too reminiscent of giggling. It might almost be a soundtrack for the blurred reflection of my humourlessly grinning face.
SIXTEEN - OMENS
As I see daylight beyond the escalator, eight stairfuls of children trapped between two women sail past me. Either somebody up above is painting faces or the children are involved in some other kind of play. Perhaps it's for Christmas, though I'm uncertain from their appearance what roles they would be taking: possibly the comedy relief. Have they been told not to risk cracking their makeup, or is it so stiff that it's holding them silent? The parade of unnaturally still white faces seems capable of exploding into bedlam, but Mark distracts me. 'At school,' he says, 'they were asking if you were my dad.'
'They won't have met him, then.'
'I haven't either.' His eyes grow eager as he says 'I don't think I have, anyway. I wouldn't mind if he was you.'
The temptation I experience is worse than irrational, but it costs me an effort to say only 'I wouldn't. I wish I were. Careful, Mark.'
The steps ahead of him are flattening before they crawl down the underside of the escalator. As he twists around to grab the rubber banister, I'm not sure if he murmurs 'You can be.' I'm even less sure how to respond, since I've yet to tell his mother about Bebe's revelation. 'I'll try,' I say not quite under my breath.
Outside the station every lamppost on Euston Road is bandaged with a poster. TWO DOZEN STALLS OF COMEDY COLLECTIBLES AND MUSIC-HALL MEMORABILIA. The posters insist that the venue is called the St Pancreas Theatre, but the real thing is visible on the corner of Gray's Inn Road, across the herds of traffic. Decades of exhaust fumes have turned the wide Victorian façade the colour of a storm. The iron sign above the cracked stained-glass awning has shed its vowels, as if they've joined the one it never had. As we wait on an island that's a plantation of traffic signals I see that the box office in the middle of the marble lobby is boarded up. Next to it a man is seated on a folding chair behind a trestle table. Besides a heap of leaflets and an ink-pad with a stamp the table holds a cash-box, but I assume I just need to say 'Simon Lester.'
The man pinches the collar of his black overcoat shut before he raises his increasingly less moonlike face out of its nest of chins. 'Nobody called that here.'
'I know that,' I say and remember to laugh. 'That's to say yes, there is. He's here.'
'This isn't an audition,' he informs me, apparently on Mark's behalf. 'It's a fair.'
'We know that. Lester's my name. I was told you'd let me in.'
'They must've been having fun with you. Everybody pays. Two quid and one for his nob.'
He drops the coins in the box with three separate clanks. I'm ushering Mark towards the auditorium when the man says 'What's your hurry, Mr Lister?'
'It's Lester,' Mark virtually shouts.
'Come here and I'll give you a grin. You too,' he tells me and inks the stamp. 'Now you can roam all you want.'
While the images he prints on our wrists are perfectly circular, they each have a clown's face. Mark admires his as he hurries to the double doors and holds the left one open for me. The theatre stalls have been removed. At least two dozen tables fill the space that's overlooked by concave boxes and shadowed by the circle. I'm advancing to the first stall when Mark springs into the air and claps his hands. As boards reverberate under him he shouts 'Here's Simon Lester, everybody. Simon Lester.'
'That isn't necessary, Mark.'
I suppose he feels provoked by the doorman, but I have the odd notion that he's playing the jester. 'Don't let us bother you,' I tell the stallholders. 'I'm only another punter.'
Mark is gazing at the stage. 'There's comics up there. Can I see?'
'Just stay in the theatre,' I warn him.
The first stallholder is jewelled and shawled enough for a fortuneteller, and anxious to learn if I'm looking for anything special. 'Thackeray Lane,' I say.
'I'm not from round here.' She raises her voice to enquire 'Does anyone know where Thackeray Lane is for this gentleman?'
'He's here.'
'And over here.'
&nbs
p; 'He may be here as well.'
'Don't worry, nobody's making fun of you,' I assure her and head for the nearest of the people who responded, a large man so heavyeyed he looks as if he's smiling in his sleep. His table is piled with old newspapers, not much less yellow than papyrus inside their cellophane envelopes. 'Can you show me?' I ask him.
He lifts his mottled hairy hands from his thighs to perform a magician's pass above the newspapers. 'Half the fun's in looking,' he says before reverting to his contented torpor.
Each envelope bears a handwritten label that lists the significant contents. Among the names inscribed in dwarfish tipsy capitals on the seventh label in the first pile is T. LANE. I unpick the tape that seals the envelope and slip out the York newspaper. I have to turn most of the brittle musty pages before learning that a reviewer thought Thackeray Lane's act at the Players Theatre was 'a good 'un'. That doesn't seem worth thirty pounds, nor does the information that he left a Nottingham columnist feeling giddy, or even a Chester writer's view that Lane was 'too odd for his own good or anyone else's'. By now I'm halfway through the contents of the table, and the stallholder is peering at me as if I've wakened him for nothing. 'Are you buying or just reading?' he's roused to wonder.
'I was rather hoping for a bit more substance.'
'Better keep looking, then.'
I can't judge whether this is an invitation or a dismissal. I take it for the first, though my eyes have begun to ache from squinting at the cramped unbalanced letters. D. LENO, C. CHAPLIN, S. LAUREL, L. TICH ... As I try to speed up the process, because I feel oppressively watched, I turn up an item labelled simply T. LANE. It's an old Preston Chronicle. 'That's where I came from,' I remark.
'Long way to come to buy a paper.'
I release a polite titter as I unseal the envelope. A desiccated smell that seems old even for the yellowed pages fills my head while I leaf through them in search of the review. There isn't one, and I'm about to say so when the stallholder comments 'He's in there all right. You missed him.'
As I turn the pages in reverse somebody walks backwards at the edge of my vision. I could imagine I'm rewinding the action, an idea so distracting that I almost overlook the item again. It's a news report that occupies an entire column.
MUSIC-HALL PERFORMER BOUND OVER TO KEEP PEACE. PERFORMANCE MUST BE KEPT WITHIN PROPER BOUNDS.
At Preston Crown Court today, the music-hall comedian Thackeray Lane was judged Not Guilty of incitement to riot outside 'The Harlequin Theatre' on the first of January...
According to the report, at the end of his matinee on New Year's Day in 1913 the comedian either led or followed the audience into the street and continued his routine. When a Mrs Talbot began to imitate him and refused to stop 'contorting her face and herself in a variety of comical manners', her husband called the police. Several other witnesses testified that they felt compelled to mimic the comedian and blamed some form of hysteria. The judge ordered Lane to duplicate the act for him to watch, but once the witnesses confirmed that he was doing so the public gallery had to be cleared because of excessive laughter. The charge of incitement to riot became the subject of a legal argument that concluded Lane was technically innocent because he had uttered no verbal or written communication. The judge was reduced to warning that 'the licence of a theatre does not extend beyond its doors' and to binding Lane over to keep the peace for two years. Long before they ended, the comedian was in Hollywood under his new name.
The scenes in court sound like a film of his. I'm wondering if they may have inspired him when I notice there's editorial comment on the opposite page.
DO OUR COURTS NEED A SENSE OF HUMOUR?
Elsewhere in this issue we report the unsuccessful prosecution of the comedian Thackeray Lane for affray. The incident has already been reported and commented upon in several numbers of this publication, and our readers may have recognised Mr. Lane as the comic of whose comedy one member of an audience was said to have died laughing. Although this was a tragedy, we question why the recent case was brought to trial. Anarchy may well be abroad within our shores, but should it be confused with the kind of show which affords so much pleasure to so many of our workers? Perhaps they would be more inclined to rebellion if it were denied them. Our reporter at the trial informs us that even the policemen in the courtroom had to struggle to contain their merriment, so that it was left to the judge to represent solemnity. We admit to hoping that he may have been hiding a secret smile. By all means ensure that comedy respects the boundaries of decency and taste, but do not rob the Lancastrian of his healthy laughter.
There's nothing else about Lane on the stall. I buy the paper and move on to the next of the tables where I heard a response. The table is heaped with vintage posters in transparent sheaths. Several of the posters advertise Thackeray Lane, in each case with a different slogan. NO NEED FOR NOISE. QUIET AS A CHURCH. QUIET AS A CHURCH MOUSE. Did the second one omit a word, or was that added to the last of them to avoid offending the devout? Here's a notice that says he's AS SHUSHED AS A PICTURE, which seems prophetic – and then I notice something more important. Lane has autographed the poster.
The faded signature slants across the bottom left-hand corner. It's so faint that at first the cellophane rendered it invisible. The first name is painstakingly stitched together out of scraps that remind me of wisps of cobweb, but then he seems to have lost patience, scrawling a defiantly elongated L. The letter reminds me of a clown's footwear, and I imagine the signature as a collaboration between an academic and a clown. As I look for the price on the back of the wrapper the stallholder crouches forward, offering me a better view of the tortoiseshell markings of his bald scalp. 'Twenty,' he says in case I can't read the aged peeling tag.
Does that suggest how undervalued Tubby has become? I add another Visa voucher to the sheaf in my wallet and make my way to a video stall, on which the merchandise looks decidedly home-made. Few of the labels on the black plastic cases are straight, and the handwritten information is scanty, but I haven't reached the bottom of the first pile of DVDs when I find one that's labelled LANE 1912. As I pick it up, the man behind the stall nods at me so vigorously that it seems to leave his bushy greying eyebrows too high on his long angular face. 'Behind you,' he says.
I wonder what kind of a production he thinks I'm in until I hear Mark calling my name. He's where the footlights used to be, and waving his hands as if he's batting away his words. 'Just a minute, Mark,' I say and show the label to the stallholder. 'Can you tell me what this is?'
'It's a dithery video disc. They're all the rage.'
I hope his description is a joke, not an indication of the quality. 'Is it Thackeray Lane?'
'Simon, he's up here. Simon.'
'Let me finish this first, Mark.' Since the long-faced man has responded with a nod I ask 'What sort of material?'
'Him on stage off an old film.'
'You've transferred it from a film, you mean? How much?'
'Twenty smackeroonies to you, Mr Lester.'
That isn't the information I was after, but I'm so thrown by his use of my name that my open mouth stays mute. Of course, he heard Mark announce me at the door, and he's gazing at Mark now. The boy is actually dancing with impatience. 'I want to show you,' he complains. 'She won't let me.'
'I'll be there very shortly,' I promise, feeling compelled to direct the kind of smile with which adults sum up children at the stallholder as I hand him my Visa. I add the DVD to my handful of poster and newspaper and turn back to Mark. 'Now, what's the problem?'
He runs to the top of the steps that I climb to the stage. 'There's a comic with him in.'
'Thackeray Lane? Are you certain?'
'Why do you keep calling him that? His name's Tubby.' To my dismay, Mark has started to look tearful. 'It says Tubby in the comic,' he protests.
'It's both, Mark. He started life as Lane. Maybe he got tubbier.' I'm not sure how much of this he hears as he runs to the table spread with old comics. 'Show me, then,' I apparent
ly have to prompt him.
'I'm trying,' he protests and turns his brimming gaze on the woman at the stall. 'Where's it gone? I put it on top.'
'Dear me, we are getting out of control.'
Her tight bundle of colourless hair appears to have tugged her small face thin on its bones and stretched her lips pale. 'Perhaps it isn't here any more,' she says. 'Perhaps I sold it while you were causing such a fuss.'
I see comics featuring Dan Leno and Ben Turpin and Charlie Lynn, but no sign of Tubby. 'All right, Mark,' I say as he contorts his body with frustration. 'Could I see it, please?'
'Is that all you mean to say?'
Presumably she's suggesting I should rebuke Mark, but I won't embarrass him in front of her. 'I think it's all I need to.'
'Dear me again,' she says and produces a comic from beneath the table. 'I was keeping it back for you,' she adds reprovingly enough to cover me as well as Mark.
It's the first issue of a British comic called Keystone Kapers, price one halfpenny. Beneath the title it's described as A FEAST OF FUN FOR FUNNY FILM FANATICS. The issue is dated 27 December 1914. The large front page contains two comic strips with six panels in each. The uppermost strip stars Fatty Arbuckle, the lower is a showcase for his colleague – 'Tubby Thackeray Tells a Tale to Tickle Your Titter-Bone'. As well as several lines of caption under each panel Fatty has speech balloons, but Tubby makes do with captions alone. 'Dear Film Fanatic Friends – Well, bless my soul and butter my parsnips! Can't a chubby chap choose what he chews after Christmas? Time we gave the ol' cake-'ole a rest, m'dears, but your chubby chum's been blessed with a brace of them to cram...' This seems an excessively elaborate introduction to the story, in which Tubby is saddled with a pair of gluttonous nephews until the New Year. They stuff all the Christmas leftovers into their increasingly wide and toothy grinning mouths, followed by the contents of a cake shop and a seven-course meal at a restaurant. A sweet each from a sweetshop proves too much for them, and they burst with spectacular pops just beyond either side of the final panel, leaving Tubby to present his widest grin yet to the reader. 'That went with a bang, didn't it?' says his caption. 'Your chum deserves to be went on his hols now, methinks. Who's having him for the New Year? Simply simper to select. Give a grin and get a genius.'
The Grin of the Dark Page 11
