by Jen Gilroy
“Me too.” Charlie returned her hug, replete with the smell of oatmeal cookies, milk, and Lexie. Good, honest smells. “Nick has to love you. How could he not?”
“I never said I love him.” Even though Mia did, she wasn’t sure he loved her or wanted her in the way she wanted him to.
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face whenever you’re with him. When you talk about him, even.”
“It isn’t.” Mia’s face got warm.
“You can fight it all you want, but love catches you when you least expect. I never expected I’d be Sean’s wife, let alone a mom, but I found the courage to change and take a chance, and look what happened.” Charlie’s smile was smug.
“You found a happy-ever-after.”
“No.” Charlie transferred Lexie to her car seat as the baby’s blue eyes closed and Lexie drifted into sleep. “You read too many romances. I found a happy day-by-day. Sean and I are both strong-willed and stubborn, but if we work on our relationship one day at a time, we’ll make a happy-ever-after, too.”
“There’s nothing wrong with romances. Those books got me through some of the worst times with Jay.” And they’d helped give her self-belief and the courage to start over.
“No arguments here.” Charlie’s laugh was rueful. “The books you lent me kept me distracted during that awful time Lexie was in New Hampshire. All I meant is a fictional hero’s got nothing on a guy like Nick.”
Mia stood and went to the window to look out at the tree-lined street. A small girl rode a bike along the sidewalk and wobbled from side to side on two wheels. She careened toward one of Mia’s flower beds before her mom grabbed the bike’s handlebars to head her off.
Until Nick, Mia had always played it safe. But she was a big girl, and big girls went after what they wanted. Even if they wobbled or took a detour along the way.
Chapter Nineteen
Nick sat on a flat rock by the lake behind Harbor House and stuck his hands in the pockets of his hooded jacket. Despite the sunlight that glittered on the white-capped waves, the wind was cool, and the lake was empty of boats. Another Labor Day was over, and by the end of the week he’d be back in New York. Back to the life he’d put on hold while his mom was sick.
He’d asked Mia to meet him here. To give her the final payment for the work she’d done for his mom and to say good-bye. This time in Firefly Lake had changed who he was, what he valued, and maybe even what he wanted. But it hadn’t changed what he had to do today.
“Sorry I’m late.” Mia’s hair was windblown, and her cheeks were rosy. “I don’t have long either. I have a lot of work to do for school.” She sat on the rock next to his. “I was going to call you anyway. Naomi offered to stay with Emma tomorrow night. If you’re free, we could have dinner at the Irish pub in Kincaid. The one with the live music.”
Nick shoved his fists deeper into his pockets. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” The wind blew strands of Mia’s hair against his sleeve, and he tensed. “Well, like I said, I have a lot to do for school. I still can’t believe I have a music classroom of my very own. Even though the job’s temporary, it’s a dream come true.”
Nick took the check he’d made out to her from his jacket pocket. “This is for the last of your work on Mom’s house. You did a terrific job, far more than I paid you to do. I don’t know what she’d have done without you.”
“It was my pleasure.” Mia smiled as she took the check, and her fingertips brushed his before she tucked the paper into the back pocket of her jeans. “I love your mom. To see her so happy with Ward and comfortable in her home, things couldn’t have worked out better. Even Pixie adores him.”
“Pixie adores anyone who feeds her.”
“True.” Mia gave that little chuckle that made Nick’s heart beat faster.
“Ward’s still going back to Asia.”
“For a month because of his job.” Mia’s expression was earnest. “Ward and your mom want to be together, and somehow they’ll work things out.”
Nick took a deep breath. “Mia, look, I don’t know how to say this but—”
“Wait.” She touched a finger to his lips. “I want to say something to you first. I wanted to tell you the other day when Emma was at that party, but you distracted me.”
Nick smothered a groan as guilt burned like acid in his stomach. He hadn’t planned to make love to her one last time. He’d told himself he wouldn’t, but one look in her eyes and he was lost. “We had a good time—”
“A good time? Is that all it meant to you? It was more than a good time, at least for me. That’s what I want to talk to you about.”
Nick took her cold hands in his. “I care about you and, like I said before, we can keep seeing each other when I’m back here. If you want, you can come to New York, too. Casual.”
“Casual?” Her voice shook, and the look in her eyes was like a blade severing one of his arteries. “Casual as in we can see other people?”
His stomach lurched. “Neither of us wanted a relationship.”
She gave a bitter laugh and yanked her hands away. “True. Except, it turns out I don’t do casual. I made the mistake of falling in love with you.”
“I’m flattered, honored, but I’m heading back to New York in two days.”
“And you didn’t think to mention that fact to me before?”
“You knew all along I was leaving after Labor Day. I don’t want to upset you, but there’s a big case the senior partner asked me to take the lead on. I said yes an hour ago.” His heart got even heavier as he said the words aloud.
“Upset me?” Mia’s eyes flashed. “Who will do your job at McGuire and Pelletier?”
“I’ll still be involved, but I’ll hire a guy who needs a clerkship to help out. It takes time to find a good attorney.” He heard the panic in his voice and tried to will it away.
“I see.” Mia’s mouth was set in a flat line. “Who is this guy who needs a job? Law students aren’t exactly thick on the ground around here.”
“Travis is the brother of a friend from college. He wants to get licensed to practice law in Vermont, and he needs a break.” Which was true, dammit, so why was Mia looking at him like he’d just drowned a litter of newborn kittens?
“How convenient.”
Nick didn’t miss the sarcasm in her voice.
“Travis is a good guy. You’ll like him.” And why did that thought make him feel worse instead of better?
“I’m sure I will, but this isn’t about Travis. It’s about us.”
Her words hit him in the solar plexus. Nick hadn’t been part of an “us” for a lot of years. He had to go back to New York before he got sucked in any deeper. Sucked in so far he couldn’t get out, and then he’d be left alone like before.
“Mia, I like you. I love you for what you’ve done for my mom. You’re great and you deserve a great guy.” His thoughts whirled and he fought for breath. “Someone like Josh.”
“Josh Tremblay?” Her voice wobbled. “He offered me a deal on a new furnace. I said no because I couldn’t be indebted to him. Maybe he only wanted to help me out like he helps everyone around here, but I couldn’t let him think I might ever like him in any way except as a friend.”
Nick’s throat was tight and raw. He’d told Josh that Mia wasn’t his woman. There was no reason for him to want to punch the guy out. “Okay, maybe not Josh, but someone like him could give you a good life, a baby even.”
“A baby?” Mia stumbled to her feet. “What makes you think I want another child?”
“I’ve seen you with Lexie.” Seen how she cradled the baby in her arms with such love and tenderness. He’d also seen how she was with her girls. Mia was a born mother.
“Lexie’s my niece and my goddaughter. I love her, but you’ve got the wrong idea. I don’t want another baby.” Her voice rose.
“You might.” And he couldn’t take that chance. If Nick thought he hurt now, he’d hurt even worse if he and Mia got tog
ether and she changed her mind about babies like Isobel had.
“This isn’t about a baby, so what’s really going on here?” Mia tugged on her sweatshirt, a white one she’d borrowed from him a few weeks back, which swamped her slender figure.
“I don’t want a relationship. I never did.” He got up from the rock, and pain shot through the knee he’d twisted playing baseball. Pain he welcomed because it displaced the pain in his heart.
“These last few weeks, I thought we were good together. Naomi and Emma like you, and I’m not going back to Jay, no matter how much he threatens me or criticizes my friends, the kind of mother I am, or anything else about me.” On any other woman, her look would’ve been bitchy, but Mia never did bitchy.
They were good together, so good Nick couldn’t let it go on because when it ended, he’d hurt a lot more than he already was. “This isn’t about you, or the girls or Jay. It’s about me. I don’t deserve you.”
“What?” Her eyebrows puckered in a frown.
“I can’t have kids. That’s why Isobel left me.” He curled his fingers into his palms to try to stop his hands from shaking. “When we met, Isobel didn’t want kids. She was focused on her career. But that was before I knew…before we found out I couldn’t. Then she sure wanted children, and she found somebody else to give them to her. A boy first, and there’s another baby on the way.”
“Whether you can have kids or not doesn’t matter to me.” Mia stared at him in disbelief.
“It matters to me.” He pressed a hand to his chest as if he could physically keep the hurt in. “Besides, even if I could have kids, I’d be a lousy father. Look at the example I had. I couldn’t be there for Naomi and Emma like you’d need a stepfather to be, whereas Josh is a great dad and—”
“Stop going on about Josh.” Her voice was icy. “You would be a good stepfather. I’ve seen you with Kylie and my girls. And what about Amy? You love her, don’t you?”
“She’s my niece. That’s different.”
“Different how?” Her voice hitched. “Cat’s a single mom.”
“Cat doesn’t need a father figure for Amy. Even if she did, she wouldn’t expect it to be me.” He shrugged to hide how much he cared that his sister had the child he never could.
Mia yanked his sweatshirt over her head and dropped it on the sand. “You’ve convinced yourself of things that aren’t true to spend the rest of your life alone. I think you’re making excuses. You’re tired of me, like Jay was. Well, you know what?”
“What?” Nick bent to pick up his sweatshirt. Maybe it was better she was mad because then she’d move on and forget him. His heart twisted tighter.
“I love you, but you’re a fool, and maybe I am, too.” She shivered in her thin red T-shirt. “You’re right, I do deserve more than you. At least if I spend the rest of my life alone, it’s by choice. Not because I was too scared of loss to open myself to love. I’m not Isobel. I’m not like your dad or your friends who got killed in the accident. We can’t control the future. Your mom sure learned that lesson. I want to be part of your life forever, and if you can’t believe me, that’s your problem.”
“Angel.” The endearment slipped out before Nick could stop it.
“Don’t you angel me.” There were two red spots on Mia’s cheeks, and her breath came in short pants. “In fact, don’t ever call me or speak to me again unless it’s something to do with your mom.”
“I’m sorry,” Nick murmured.
“You should be.” Her eyes shimmered. “I’m sorry for you, too. That guy I remember? The one who rode around on the motorcycle? He may have been trouble, but he knew what he wanted, and he was fearless. What happened to him, Nick?”
A wave washed over his tennis shoes and cold water seeped through the thin canvas to chill his feet. “He almost drowned at the bottom of this lake inside the cab of a truck with his friends already dead in front of him. They died on impact. Even though he tried, he couldn’t help them.”
“You didn’t die. You lived.” The words came out of her like bullets.
“Only because I somehow managed to smash my way out and the cops were right there.” His breathing was uneven. Every detail of that night would always be etched in Nick’s mind.
How he and two of his friends had been drinking on the beach behind the lifeguard station and then started a fight on the town green for the hell of it. How when the state troopers had arrived, the guys had panicked and piled into the truck to head out of town. How he’d argued with them and tried to take away the keys but instead had found himself in the backseat of the cab careening along Lake Road with the cops in pursuit.
“Because you lived, you had a chance to turn your life around, but somewhere along the way, you lost what made the guy I used to know so special.” The pain in Mia’s voice shredded what was left of Nick’s heart. “Sure, he made mistakes, big ones, but he wasn’t afraid to take a risk. He wasn’t afraid to let himself care about people.”
Nick bit his lower lip and tasted blood mixed with spray from the lake. He cared about Mia, more than he could say.
“I’ll look out for your mom, and if she needs anything, I’ll contact you, but otherwise, I won’t.” She stood at the water’s edge for endless seconds, tall, beautiful, and strong, before she climbed the stone steps away from the beach and disappeared into the trees.
Mia stopped in Gabrielle’s vegetable garden. Her chest heaved, and her vision blurred. Rain spattered the paving stones and big drops soaked through her T-shirt. She grabbed the umbrella Gabrielle kept in the toolshed and made her way to the patio. She could cut through the side gate and avoid Gabrielle, Ward, and the bubble of happiness that enveloped the two of them.
She eased the gate open and struggled with the umbrella as pine branches scratched her bare arms.
“Mia, honey?” Gabrielle came up the path in an orange slicker. At her side, Ward carried Pixie sheltered in a fold of his jacket. “What’s wrong?”
“I got caught in the rain down by the lake. The storm sure blew in fast.” She smiled until her mouth hurt with the effort.
“You…Nick…” Gabrielle looked at Mia, then at Ward, who shook his head. “You’re half frozen. Come in for a cup of tea before we drive you home.”
“I can walk.” A gust of wind turned the umbrella inside out, and Mia made a frantic grab for the handle.
“You’re soaked.” Ward took the ruined umbrella.
He was right, but she couldn’t handle their kindness. Besides, no matter how much she loved Gabrielle, she was still Nick’s mom. “I’ll borrow a rain jacket.”
Gabrielle and Ward exchanged another glance.
“My blue coat with the hood is on the peg inside the kitchen door,” she said.
“I’ll get it.” Ward patted Mia’s shoulder. “Back in a minute.”
“Thanks.” Mia moved under the branch of a maple tree.
Beneath the hood of her slicker, Gabrielle’s expression was worried. “What did my son do to you?”
“Nothing.” Except throw her love back in her face and stomp her heart into little pieces.
“Or say?”
“He was honest.” And Mia had learned her lesson.
“Stupid is more like it.” Raindrops sparkled like silver teardrops on the edges of Gabrielle’s hair.
“I never said—”
“You didn’t have to. I’m Nick’s mother, but I’m not blind to his faults.” She rubbed Mia’s cold hands between her warm ones. “Sometimes, the more you love somebody the more you hurt them.”
“I don’t…” What was the use of denying it? Gabrielle was savvy about people. “I’m sorry.”
“Never be sorry for loving.” Gabrielle smoothed Mia’s wet hair away from her face, her touch motherly. “But I was talking about Nick.”
“He doesn’t love me.” And she loved him too much.
“I’m not so sure of that.”
“Nick thinks he can’t be with me because he can’t have children.” Mia gulped in
air. “Even if he could, he says he’d be a bad father.”
Gabrielle’s eyes widened. “What?”
Mia pulled a hand away and pressed it to her mouth. “You didn’t know? Please don’t tell him I told you.”
“Of course not.” Her expression was sad. “It explains such a lot, though. My poor boy. That must have been the root of the trouble with Isobel. And all this time he’s had me and half the women in town pestering him about getting on with having kids.”
“I forced him to spend time with Kylie.” And Nick cared about the girl, Mia was certain of it.
“He won’t let himself love her, either. He’s hurt, Kylie’s hurt, and you’re hurt. Do you want another baby?” Gabrielle’s blue gaze was tender.
“No.” Mia hugged herself. “I almost died when I gave birth to Emma, and I was sick for the whole pregnancy. I never want to go through that again. When I told Nick it didn’t matter to me if he could father a child, he wouldn’t listen. Then he said he couldn’t be there for Naomi and Emma like a stepfather would need to be.”
“I think he’s convinced himself he can’t love or won’t let himself love, which pretty much amounts to the same thing.” Gabrielle’s face got a faraway expression. “Nick’s had a lot of losses in his life, and he’s wary. He doesn’t want to get hurt again.”
“I can’t change him.” She’d already tried with Jay and her dad and gotten nowhere.
“Maybe I—”
“No. If Nick ever changes, it has to come from inside him.” Another lesson Mia had learned.
“Here you go.” Ward slung Gabrielle’s blue coat around Mia’s shoulders. “Are you sure you won’t let me drive you home?”
“I’ll be fine.” Mia shrugged into the garment.
“Sure you will.” Gabrielle tugged on the zipper and pulled it up to Mia’s chin.
“It’s still raining hard,” Ward said.
“I didn’t mean the weather.” Gabrielle patted Mia’s cheek. “I’ll call you later.”
“You promise you won’t say anything?” The last thing she needed was for Gabrielle, however well intentioned, to talk to Nick. Whatever she’d imagined they shared was over, and Mia had to pick herself up and move on.
